It has come to my attention that, while I don’t *need* a husband, having one would be beneficial to me in a variety of ways. Therefore, I thought it prudent to start accepting husband applications to qualified members of the human male population.
This is not an application.
What I have compiled here is a questionnaire that will help potential husband applicants determine whether or not they should even bother applying for the position of my husband. The higher the score, the more likely you are to be a good potential candidate for my husband. The lower the score, the more likely you should forget it and go cry into a tub of Ben & Jerry’s. Even if you are not interested in applying to be my husband, please read the following rating guide, just in case you know of any eligible men who might be suitable for the position.
Ruth’s Potential Husband Questionnaire:
1. Are you a straight human male between the ages of 28-40?
[If you answered yes, you don’t get any points, but if you answered no, then give yourself negative bazgillion points and go home, stopping by your nearest Ben & Jerry’s dealer along the way.]
2. Do you have what others have described as “mad guitar skillz”?
[No= 0 points, Yes= +200]
3. Do you have a full time job with health insurance benefits that you can pass on to your hypothetical spouse and children?
[No= 0 points, Yes= +500]
4. Do you have an Australian and/or Scottish accent?
[No= 0 points, Australian Accent= +150 points, Scottish Accent= +175 points, Australian AND Scottish Accent = +20 gazmillion and 3 points. Irish Accent= +25 points, British Accent= +50 points, Jamaican Accent= +15 points. French accent= -75 points]
5. Would you be willing to either hire a maid or clean up after your absent-minded, writer-brained wife?
[No= -15 points, Yes= +25 points]
6. Do you like The Princess Bride?
[No= -25 points, Yes= +25 points, “AS YOU WISH”= 472 points, “Is that a kissing book?” = -75]
7. Do you mind if your wife quotes the entire movie while you’re watching The Princess Bride?
[Yes= -10 points, No= +15 points, “Anybody Wanna Peanut?”= 132 points]
8. Do you like it when people randomly burst into song all the time?
[Yes= +75 points, No= 0 points, “Ugh! I can’t stand it!” = -5 trillion points, “Mind if I join you? I can sing and dance like Gene Kelly” = +800 points]
9. Do you like kitties?
[No= -45 points, Yes= +25]
10. Do you like kitties as much as the crazy old cat lady who lives down the street?
[No= 0 points, Yes= -300]
11. How do you feel about Dragons?
[“Meh”= 0 points. “Dragons are stupid”= -75. “I like Dragons”= +25. “I LOVE Dragons”= +100. “TROGDOOOOOOOOR!” = +4 million
12. Are you faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, able to leap tall buildings in a single bound, and also a mild-mannered reporter who works for the Daily Planet?
[No= 0 points, Yes= +500]
13. Do you have the ability to use Saran Wrap without getting it stuck to a) itself, b) you, c) everything besides what you want it to stick to?
[No= 0 points, Yes= +75]
14. What is your opinion of the Beatles?
[“Little black bugs? You spelled it wrong” = -200 points, “No sir, I don’t like them” = -150 points, “They’re okay.” = 0 points, “I love the Beatles!” = +100 points, “I died a little when I heard that George Harrison was dead” = +150 points, “They’re the best band ever, but I’m not a huge fan of John Lennon without the other three” = +250 points]
15. Do you like kids?
[No= -300,000 points, Yes= +100 points, “I want to adopt enough kids to close down an orphanage” = +500 points]
16. Do you like the beach?
[Yes= 0 points, “Um, yeah…everyone loves the beach! What kind of idiot doesn’t love the beach?” = -250 points, “No, I have a basic understanding that some wonderful, beautiful, talented, intelligent people are so horrifically pale that going to the beach even for a few minutes can cause third degree sunburns, I don’t like sand, and besides, I much prefer the mountains” = +400 points.
17. Do you like the mountains?
[No= -100 points, Yes= +100 points, “I want to see mountains again, Gandalf…MOUNTAINS!!” = +1000 points
18. Are you good at fixing cars?
[No= 0 points, “No, but I’m good at taking cars to the mechanic because I know you don’t like to do it” = +150, Yes = +300]
19. Cooking?
[“That’s woman’s work” = -200 points, “That thing with the slots is called a ‘toaster,’ right??” = -50 points, “I make a mean grilled cheese” = +10 points, “I accept that my wife is not a gourmet chef and also has a healthy obsession with calories and spaghetti squash, and I will either eat whatever she serves me or make my own stupid sandwich” = +100 points, “I am a nutritionist who can not only feed myself, but provide healthy, delicious meals and snacks for my wife and family” = +700 points]
20. Exercise?
[“I don’t mind if you exercise, as long as you don’t mind if I’m an unhealthy slob” = 0 points, “You ran a half-marathon? Why didn’t you run a full marathon, you lazy slacker?” = -100 points, “I insist that you run with me and that you keep up with my 7 minute mile pace” = -75, “I like to exercise, but not with other people. I hope you understand” = +75, “I’ll watch the kids while you go train for a race, dear” = +250 points, “I’ll run with the kids in the stroller and train for a race with you, dear” = 1732 points]
21. Bananas?
[“Huh?” = -12, “In Pajamas!” = - 42 billion, “Ring ring ring ring ring ring ring BANANA PHONE!” = +200 points]
22. Star Trek?
[“It’s for nerds.” = -15, “It’s for nerds. I’m a nerd.” = +1701, “I see what you did there.” = +an additional 100 uber nerd points on top of the points for already being nerdy]
23. What is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
[“I don’t know that! AAAARRRRRGGGGHHHH!” = 0, “Blue…no yellllooooowwwwwaaaaaarrrgh!” = 0, “What do you mean, African or European?” + 3 points…I mean 5.”
24. If you were going to buy your lady a present, you would buy her….
[“Something frivolous and sweet, like flowers, which will die in a few days because my lady has a brown thumb” = +3 points, “Something frivolous and sweet, like artificial flowers, with my full understanding that she will probably take them apart and try to make crafts out of them later” +15, “Something expensive like diamond jewelry, which could have been money better spent on doing something charitable for others = -15 points, “Something functional like a hair dryer, because my lady’s hair needs some serious help” = +10, “Something fun that she actually asked for like a dvd or book” +25, “Something meaningful and inexpensive, like cheap jewelry that I know she’d like.” +50, “I’d rather spend time with her instead of money, because she would rather have that.” = 100 points, “Something expensive that she needs and can’t afford right now, like a computer or house or a car that doesn’t make funny noises” = 200
25. Are you ticklish?
[No= 0, Yes= +30]
26. Do you know where you put your shoes?
[Yes= +25, No= 0, “Um, isn’t it your job to remember where I put them?” = -100 points]
27. Ketchup?
[“It’s a vegetable” = -30, “It’s okay” = 0, “I put it on EVERYTHING!” = -200, “UGH! Why would anyone DO that to a perfectly delicious tomato?” = +100]
28. When Frodo becomes too weak to carry the One Ring, what do you do?
[“I don’t know. I never saw the movie. …wasn’t there a book, too, or something?” = -4,000 points, “Beat down the nasty Hobitses, bite off his fingerses, grab the Precious, hold it over my head in triumphses, dance like a mad fool, and fall into the fires of Mount Doom.” = -12, “Take it for myself and use it for good. It works like that, right?” = -16, “Um…wait for Gandalf. He’ll know what to do.” = -2, “The Eagles should be coming along any minute…?” = +2, “I can’t carry it for him, but I CAN carry him!” = +57 million
29. Is your name actually Samwise?
[No= 0, Yes= +100]
30. Do you insist on opening car doors for your lady?
[No= 0, “Yes, absolutely, all the time.” = -100, “If my lady likes it, I will, but I understand that not all women are the same, and some don’t like that.” +500]
31. Toilet paper: over or under?
[Over = +25, Under = -25]
32. Would you rather be a large duck in a small pond, or a small duck in a large pond?
[“A large duck in a small pond” = 0, “A small duck in a large pond” = 0, “Why would I want to be a duck?” = 97]
33. Hugs?
[“No.” = -100, “Sure” = +50, “Not drugs!” = +100]
34. What would you do for a Klondike Bar?
[“I hate chocolate” = -10, “I don’t know” = 0, “Some ridiculous feat they asked me to do on a commercial” = -5, “Um, I’d go to the store and BUY one.” = +15]
35. How do you feel about Eeyore?
[“Who’s that? The horse from Winnie the Pooh?” = -87, “Aww, that guy is SUCH a downer! Cheer up, crankypants!” = -300, “He’s cute, but I wish he would smile more.” = -100, “Eeyore is awesome. So few seem to realize how joyful the guy really was. He was happy to receive nothing more than a broken balloon and empty hunny pot on his birthday. He was just so happy to know that his friends loved him enough to try. That’s what I call a positive attitude!” = +100]
36. Chick flicks?
[“I hate them all” = 0, “Chick flicks are so romantic! Let’s watch them and snuggle. Then I’ll paint your toenails and we can eat cookie dough. TEE HEE!” = -300, “I can tolerate the classics, and honestly, some of them aren’t too bad. But in general, not so much.” = +50, “Lucy Moderadtz, I’ll be your Jack Callaghan.” = +38 bazgillion
37. Do you know the muffin man?
[No= 0, “Yes, he works at the bakery” = 0, “Who lives on Drewry Lane?” = +63]
38. Can you understand math well enough to help a hypothetical child do their seventh grade math homework?
[No= -10, “No, but we can hire a tutor” = +50, “Yes, I’m good at everything math and science” = +100]
39. What do you think of when I say “Buttercup?”
[“Didn’t we already have questions about The Princess Bride?” = +50, “Mmm, Reese’s Peanut Buttercups!” = +50, “My little buttercup, has the sweetest smile!” = +50, “Flower?” = -12]
40. Fairy Tales?
[“Are for kids” = -200, “Are for kids, and I’m a kid!” = +100, “Are better when people try to modernize them.” = -100, “C. S. Lewis thought they were important. Works for me.” + 200]
41. Elmo?
[“That little furry monster is hilarious! I could tickle him all day long!” = -250, “I can’t stand him.” = 0, “I don’t like him personally, but the fact that he can keep a room full of two-year-olds occupied for twenty minutes is, quite frankly, amazing. And also, how does a big guy like Kevin Clash make himself sound like that?” = +150]
42. What is the meaning of life, the universe, and everything?
[“We will never know.” = -50, “God” = +10 points for trying, “42.” = +42 points.]
Now total up your crazy points:
-If you scored below zero, especially in the neighborhood of a negative bazgillion points, then please remember to pick me up a pint of Phish Phood when you’re getting your conciliatory Cherry Garcia.
-If you scored somewhere between +1 and +1000, then you are permitted to take me to dinner and a movie, but only because it would be nice to get free food and a show. It’s not like we’re meant to be or anything.
-If you scored over 1000 but less than bazgillion, then hey, I’ll give you a shot. You can buy me free food and take me to free shows all you want. Unless I actually find a Scottish/Australian hunk named Samwise who loves Dragons like a fat kid loves cake. If I find a guy like that, then you can join the Ben & Jerry’s club, ‘cause I’m going to drop you like you’re hot. But not like Samwise Gamgee hot. More like spaghetti squash hot.
-If you scored in the neighborhood of a bazgillion points, then dude. I don’t believe you exist. 1) Because awesome guys like you don’t exist outside of works of fiction, and 2) even if you did exist, I’m pretty sure someone else would have already snatched you up. But if you do exist and are still, in fact, single, then I’d like to snatch you up before someone else does. So…call me…
…maybe…
