It was cute. The first thirty-seven and a half times, it was adorable. And by "adorable," I mean "slightly annoying, yet eventually predictable." You'd get us hooked on whatever new format you'd created, and then just when everything had settled down again and become the new norm, you'd shake things up and introduce something wildly different and force us to relearn a new way of using you.
Sure, it was fun playing with all the new applications. It was cool being able to instant message while simultaneously checking out that funny pic (that darn Lolrus and his bukkit gets me every time). It was awesome how you taught us all whole new ways to stalk our friends...and their friends. But now you have once again rocked our worlds by screwing with the system that enables us to
Not cool, Facebook. Not cool. Do you have any idea what kind of anarchy you have caused by not allowing people to easily separate their "top stories" from their "recent stories"? Do you have any idea how dumb it is to even call them "top stories" to begin with, as if all our lives are nothing but headlines on a neverending news show?
Neverending New-ews Show. Ah ah ah, ah ah ah, ah ah ah.... Sorry. I was having an 80's movie flashback. Let's move on.
Yeah, Facebook. You have pretty much caused a rift in the time-space continuum with your latest antics. Maybe that explains why last night, whilst checking my friends' statuses (stati?), I experienced a shift back to the older, happier days of Facebooking. For a few blissful, fleeting moments, I could separate my "top stories" from my "recent stories" without the use of a gazbillion lists that, quite frankly, I don't think I'll ever use. Then, after giving me (and every other Facebook user who was online at the time) a brief taste of classic Facebook joy, you mercilessly reverted back to the new, evil version of Facebook. You crushed our hopes, Facebook! Is that your newest application? Hope crushing!?
And I have to point out that another one of your glitches caused me muy embarrasmento (I can't actually speak Spanish) a few weeks ago. My power was out, so I proceeded to text my status to Facebook, saying that I was forced to take a candlelight shower. You proceeded to have a glitch. The glitch proceeded to cause the status about my taking a shower to repost at least seven times throughout the course of the next twenty-four hours. I didn't know about it because I didn't have electricity/internet access, but oh, my friends at church all mentioned that I probably shouldn't take so many candlelight showers and then post about it on Facebook. I don't usually. I mean, I do take showers, but I don't usually post about them on Facebook. The one time I did, you had a glitch that let everyone know how clean I am...in the candlelight. So thanks for that. Thanks for all the things you do that make my life more awkward.
Jerkface.
Jerkfacebook.
What's that you say? You say that you are free to use, and therefore I have no right to complain? You say that no one is forcing me to continue to use your service? Of course you would say that. But Facebook isn't free. I don't have to use a credit card in order to virtually "poke" someone, but you know that it costs much more than mere money to use you, don't you, Facebook? You have gotten me hooked on you like a vampire hooked on his own personal brand of heroin blood. I am your slave.
So I'm doomed, Facebook. I can't stop using you. You had me at "sign in." You had me at "sign in."
For the socially awkward people like me, Facebook is the only means to having a semblance of a social life. So the only thing for me to do is to just keep using you, despite the ridiculous changes you've made, despite the other ridiculous changes I hear you're about to make. Seriously, Facebook, I've heard that, pretty soon, you're going to know me better than I know myself. And then what? What changes lie in store for us in the Facebook future? One day, are you just going to start reading our minds and automatically uploading whatever random things that pop into our heads. The annoying scroll bar ticker up at the side that never goes away will say: "Facebook has automatically read Ruth Cambpell's mind and updated their (not her, but their, because you obviously think I'm two or more people) status: I like pie." Yeah. That's totally creepy, Facebook. Not only are you enabling us to stalk others with exponentially greater efficiency, but you're also starting to stalk US. And for the record, I do like pie. But you already knew that, didn't you?
And while I'm at it, Facebook, your name is stupid. A book of faces? You're not a book. You're a website. I guess "Facewebsite" is a little too awkward sounding, but then you're getting to be quite the expert on awkward. And, by the way, everytime I hear the name "Mark Zuckerberg" I start thinking about Zuckerman's Famous Pig from Charlotte's Web. And then I start thinking about the "Zuckerman's Famous Pig" song from the old Charlotte's Web cartoon. And then it gets stuck in my head, which is annoying. And then I remember that Charlotte died. And I cry.
See what you did, Facebook? You made me cry.
Why can't I quit you?
Sincerely,
A. R. Campbell
Awesomely HILARIOUS blog! A+! Probably my fave from the Socially Awkward Chronicles. You're in the zone, my friend. The Zone!
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