SAA Ep. # 17: That's Not My Name, That's Not My Name

Today I was leaving the preschool where I work, when this mom I know...eh, fairly well...said hi to me. It took me about 0.43 seconds too long to respond to her greeting because she called me the wrong name. Now, it wasn't COMPLETELY wrong, but it might as well have been. She called me "Ruth Ann," which caused me to mentally stumble before I could reply. I said "Hi" back, and then for about 5 seconds, I debated whether or not I should correct her. I figured that knowing someone "...eh, fairly well" wasn't reason enough to inform her of her little mistake. And she isn't the only one who makes that error. This one professor from college called me "Ruth Ann" all the time, and I didn't have the heart to correct him.

Yeah, I can understand that my name is slightly confusing.

I go by Ruth.

My name is Anna Ruth Campbell. I don't mind posting my full name here because 1) I'm kinda sorta trying to make a name for myself as an author, so if all goes as planned, the whole world is gonna know the name A. R. Campbell anyway. 2) There are a heck of a lot of Anna Ruth Campbells in the world. I know because I've googled myself. Socially awkward people google themselves a lot. 3) It's not like I have a lot of readers who don't know me anyway--hopefully that will change when the whole world knows me as A. R. Campbell, published author.

Sidenote #1: Agents I've queried (and some other people in the writing world) can't seem to grasp that my name is Ruth, and not Anna. This has to do with the fact that my email address has my full name in it, but when I sign my emails "Ruth Campbell," you'd think people wouldn't reply to me with a "Dear Anna." Still, "Dear Anna" is a LOT better than "Dear Author." Well, okay, so I kind of like being called an author, even though it's impersonal/automatically sent. And...sidenote done.

Please note that my name is NOT "Ruth Ann." Never ever "Ruth Ann." I'm sorry if your name is "Ruth Ann" or if you have a beloved relative named "Ruth Ann" or if you just totally love the name "Ruth Ann," but the name just sets my teeth on edge. I'm from the Pseudo-Southern state of KY, and I live in the sometimes actually Southern state of NC, but the name "Ruth Ann" is just way to country for someone like me. I'm SO grateful my parents opted NOT to name me "Ruth Ann." They were very, very close to doing so. They named me for three friends they knew--one named Ruth, one named Ann, and another named Anne. They decided not to name me "Ruth Ann(e)" because they couldn't decide how to spell the Ann(e). (If they HAD named me "Ruth Ann(e)," I would have definitely preferred it with an E. Anne Shirley/Blythe had the right idea).

Sidenote #2: I'm the only kid in my family whose name wasn't chosen before my parents even got married. They had a boy's name and a girl's name picked out. I was the second born girl, so they had to come up with something for me. I can't complain too much. I like my name, despite how common it is. I love my parents, but they had no originality in name giving. At least they didn't name any of us "Placenta," "Sh*thead" or "Lemonjello." And...sidenote done.

So yeah. I'm one of those people who goes by her middle name. I like the name Anna very much, but it's not what I go by. I have never gone by Anna. I have always gone by Ruth and don't see any reason to change that now. I feel the need to emphasize this because I've had a lot of people argue with me about what I should go by.

Sidenote #3: Once I went on a mission trip with this professor who tried to call me by my first name. When I corrected her, not only did she argue that I should go by "Anna," but she suggested I pronounce it "AH-na" instead of "Ann-NA". It was so ridiculous because she wouldn't let the subject drop. And I spent two weeks with her in a foreign land. Fun stuff. And...sidenote done.

I think there are a lot of people in the world that just don't understand that there are many people who go by their middle names. It's not so uncommon that I should get arguments about what I should go by. Sometimes parents call their kids by their middle names because they're named after their parents and they want to avoid confusion. Sometimes parents call their kids by their middle names because of the way the name combination flows. Sometimes parents just WANT to call their kids by their middle names. It doesn't matter why, really--it's just not something "people with normal names" should argue about.

Sidenote #4: There was a guy in college who's last name was Routh, pronounced Ruth. People started calling him by his last name in college, and that got confusing. One day, he was bold enough to ask me why I just didn't start going by my first name so we wouldn't get so confused. I was like, "Well, for one thing, I've been answering to Ruth all my life, and people just started calling you Routh when you came to college, so maybe YOU should start going by YOUR first name again."

Sidenote to the sidenote: When I first met this individual, I totally had a stroke of brilliance and scared him half to death. When I learned his last name was Routh, I smiled sweetly at him. The first words I ever spoke to him were: "Hi, Mr. Routh. I will never marry you." I probably should have explained my comment (I didn't want to go through life as Ruth Routh) but it was more fun to see him squirm. And...sidenotes done.

Anyway, if you're one of those people who still just doesn't understand why people go by their middle names, I can't explain it to you. Just deal with it, because we're not going to change our whole identities to make you happy. Bottom line: I like my name. I like going by Ruth (even if the majority of people who share my name are over the age of 75). If you call me "Anna," I'm not going to answer--not because I'm rude, but because I don't realize you're talking to me. Anna is a great name, and it's part of my name, but it's not the name with which I identify myself. When I meet someone with the name Anna, I usually don't automatically realize that I share part of my name with them. If someone's name is Ruth, then I immediately get excited to have met someone who shares my name.

Sidenote #5: I once met this kid named "Ruthanna," and I was REALLY excited to meet her. Cool name. Cool, cool name. And...sidenote...nevermind. You get it.

One of the biggest pet peeves I have is when people try to call me "Ruthie." That is not my name. People have tried to argue that it's a nickname. People have tried to argue that it's the same thing as "Ruth." It's not. In my eyes (and ears), it is a completely different name. Ruthie is the cute curly haired kid on 7th Heaven (Incidentally, there was an episode of that where her teacher insisted on calling her Ruth, and she kept insisting that her name wasn't Ruth, it was Ruthie. I see her point. The names are not the same). Again, I'm sorry if your name is "Ruthie" or if you have a beloved relative named "Ruthie" or if you just totally love the name "Ruthie," but it just sounds like the name you give to a little kid. I am not a little kid. I'm a grown woman. And my name is not "Ruthie." When someone calls me "Ruthie," it sounds like an insult because someone is calling me something that's not my name. Ruth is my identity. Ruthie is someone else's identity. I don't have a problem with this if someone calls me "Ruthie" without knowing I don't like it, but I always make a point of correcting this (and I do wonder why people assume it's okay). Even with people whom I only know "...eh, fairly well." I guess that, for some reason, "Ruth Ann" doesn't set my teeth on edge nearly as much as "Ruthie."

If you know I don't like it and call me "Ruthie" as a I joke, I'm not going to laugh. I've had to get mean with people in the past who have persisted in calling me "Ruthie" because they know I don't like it. In my opinion, that kind of behavior is really immature and rude. It's a big deal to me because, as I said, when someone calls me by a name that's not mine, it comes across as an insult. I don't add unnecessary -ie's to the end of other people's names. I don't see why some other people feel the need to do so with mine. That's all I'm saying. Moving on now...

As common as the name "Anna Ruth Campbell" is (I googled it, remember?), I must say that I really like my name, and it really seems to fit me. One thing you might discover about me is that I'm kind of obsessed with name meanings. Anna means "gracious." Ruth means "beautiful friend." Campbell means "one who has a crooked mouth." So, roughly, my name means "Gracious, beautiful friend with a crooked mouth." I'm very proud of my name. I try to be gracious (even with people who call me "Ruthie"...but sometimes enough is enough). I'm a fiercely loyal friend who strives to be compassionate towards others. The crooked mouth thing is something I'm actually pretty proud of. I love being a Campbell. It's a good Scottish name...and I've got a lot of Scottish blood in me. To me, the "crooked mouth" part of my name just serves to remind me that I'm not perfect. I have a huge problem with tact. I have a complete inability to not blurt out the first thing that comes into my mind. So I'm often brutally honest with people. This leads to all sorts of fun socially awkward moments...and sometimes some anger...

But people usually thank me later.

One more cool thing about my name is that there are four letters in my first name, four letters in my middle name, and eight letters (two sets of four, if you're mathematically challenged) in my last name. Four is my favorite number. Just sayin'.

So if I ever get married, I really don't think I'm going to drop any of my names. I'll just add my hubby's last name to the end of mine--no hyphens or anything. Just the name. I'll have four names (I like that number). Of course, this depends on the guy's last name. My sister once dated this guy with the last name Butts. Yeah... Sometimes it's better to keep your maiden name.

And, attention single guys: If your last name starts with an S or an H, I might be more likely to marry you. That way my initials will spell ARCS or ARCH and will still be a word. I like that my initials spell a word.

...and I think I've completely exhausted this topic, as well as revealed that I have thought WAY too much about my name.

SAA Ep. #14: Losing More than Just Weight

Keep in mind that I'm short (5'3). It will help you put my weight in perspective. And please don't anyone take offense to this. I'm speaking as a girl who has been there (I know how hard it is)...and who still thinks she is there, obviously.

I've never been over 200 lbs., but I was 195 lbs. once. I was 21. I had just been in my sister's wedding, and I was a chubby little maid of honor. I decided then that I needed to lose weight. I lost 35 lbs. and felt great, but you know what? I was still 160 lbs. I was still chubby, just less chubby. And over the next several years, I regained a lot of the weight I lost.

And there's something interesting that happens to a woman when she stops being in her early twenties. She can weigh the same that she did when she was in her early twenties, but the weight can look quite different on an almost thirty year old body.

So at 175 lbs., I was just as heavy as I was when I was 195 lbs. I was wearing the same pant size--16 to 18. I mean, that's just like a couple sizes away from having to shop in the "big girl section." I've never had to shop there, but I've been very close. And I was in denial.

Well, last January, I started paying attention to pictures of myself. I was like, "Whoa! I look fat in all these pictures! Maybe it's NOT just the camera or the angle.... Holy crap! I'm fat!" I decided I wasn't going to be fat anymore. The sad thing is, the major reason for me wanting to lose weight had nothing to do with health issues or just wanting to look nicer. I thought to myself, "Self, if I am going to be an author, I do NOT want people who come to my book signings to think, 'Hey. Hey, look. Hey, look at that. Hey, look at that fat author.'" And because I didn't want people to think of me as a fat author, I decided to lose weight.

And it worked. I watched every single calorie I ate. I exercised. And after about six months, I lost 40 lbs. I got down to a size 8 and weighed 135 lbs (I haven't been that light since middle school...and I'm wearing a pant size less than what I wore in middle school). It took me 30 years, but I FINALLY lost my baby fat...seriously. I had been fat all my life...but not anymore.

Before (I'm the fat one in the sunglasses, obviously)

After!

So I'm not fat anymore (though I'm currently dieting again because I think I can do even better...aiming for 120lbs if my body lets me do it healthily), and that's awesome. But I have to say that being not fat anymore has some drawbacks.


For one thing, after losing weight, these wrinkles magically appeared on my forehead. I guess all that extra fat I had filled in the wrinkles or something. But yes, now I can't raise my eyebrows without getting little creases all over my forehead. It's a good trade off, I suppose. I look a little older (I still don't think I look thirty...or almost thirty-one...shh), but it's because I look a lot thinner. I'll take it...and a heavy dose of wrinkle cream...because I'm vain.


The second drawback is that I often have trouble thinking of myself as a thin person. Fat people make jokes about their fat. It's how we let other people know it's okay for them to acknowledge our fatness--and to beat rude people to the punch. Maybe it's a sign of bad self-esteem because of our fatness...idk. And notice I am still including myself in that "we" and "our," even though I'm no longer a fat person. I still think of myself as being bigger. I catch myself making a joke about my fatness, only to accidentally insult a currently fat person--because I'm no longer included in the fat club. And I forget.


And sometimes I make those fat comments around guys who start thinking I'm one of those girls who thinks she has to go on diets all the time even though she's a perfectly healthy weight. ...maybe I AM one of those girls now...?


I've even bought shirts at stores only to have to return them because I forgot that I no longer wear an extra large. I now wear a small (or sometimes a medium). And really, it's hard to think of myself as a size small. In my brain, I'm still a fat person. I have to remind myself over and over again that I do wear a size small.


When I walk by people, I tend to give them too much room to get past me because I forget that I don't take up as much space. One time I was trying to get by someone in a restaurant, and she scooted her chair in so I could get by. I said, "It's okay, I'll go around the other way. There's not enough room for me." But there was. There was plenty of room. I just pictured myself as a large person trying to get through a space that was actually big enough for an average sized person to fit through. So the person who was nice enough to scoot in her chair started thinking I was calling HER fat...ugh...and social awkwardness ensued.


So yeah. Losing weight involves more than just, well...losing weight. I've also lost some of my identity. It's not necessarily a bad thing. I just have to remind myself that I'm no longer a chubby little girl, but a slender young woman (emphasis on the YOUNG). I'm still gonna have this distorted picture of myself, and it will probably get worse if I DO reach that goal of losing another 15 pounds.


Meh. Even if I lose more weight, I'm afraid I won't lose the awkwardness. It's here to stay, folks.


If you're trying to lose weight, I definitely recommend it...if it's for the right reasons. Just be warned--it might take you a while to lose the "fat mentality." I'll let you know if I ever get used to not being fat.