SAA Ep. #63: A Space for Every Car, and Every Car in its Space

A friend came up to me at church the other night and said, “Hey! I noticed you actually parked in a different parking space tonight. Good job!”

Now, granted, this friend of mine is a pretty odd character, but even with his peculiarities, I thought it strange to be praised for something as mundane as having parked in a different parking spot than usual.

Yeah, only I didn’t park in a different spot than usual. I found myself explaining to my odd friend that I have a usual “Sunday morning parking spot” and a usual “Sunday night parking spot.” I went on to give him such superfluous information as, “My Sunday night parking spot is also the parking spot I use on days when I teach at the church’s preschool program,” and “I park in a different spot on Sunday mornings because more people come, and I like to park further away so that families and old people can get better parking spaces,” and “Last Sunday night I parked in my Sunday morning spot because we were having a church meeting, and I thought more people would come to that, so I wanted to free up more good spaces.”

My friend, odd as he is, blinked at me. I think it was because I was the odder one in that particular situation. Tee hee! Odder sounds like otter! I like otters.

Ahem.

So, after leaving church, I had to go to Walmart for a few things. I also planned on getting gasoline at the Walmart gas station. So when I pulled into the Walmart parking lot, I pulled into my “I’m going to get gasoline after I shop” parking spot, as opposed to my “quickest way to get out of the parking lot” space. And I had the sudden realization that I have usual parking places almost everywhere I go. In fact, in most cases, I have two (or more) usual parking spaces.

I also drove to Target after getting gas at Walmart, and I pulled into my “I’m coming from this direction” parking space instead of my “I’m coming from this other direction” parking space.

After doing all my shopping, I drove back to my apartment, where I pulled into my “it looks and feels as though it might frost a little overnight, so I’ll try to position my car in a way that my tall apartment building doesn’t block the first warm rays of the slowly rising sun” space as opposed to my “I’m lazy and just want the space closest to my apartment door” space, and as opposed to my “I’m feeling generous and charitable to the neighbors that live in the apartment building next to mine and want to give them a closer parking space, even though they snub me and their yippy dog poops next to my porch” space, and as opposed to my “HOLY CRAP are ALL MY NEIGHBORS having a party at the SAME TIME? Why is the only space left the stinky one next to the dumpster that is hard to back out of on account of the aforementioned dumpster?” space.

I thought about it a little, and I also have multiple parking spaces at work. I either park in the “this is my space” parking space or the “OH NOES! Kara took my space so I’ll park in this other space” space.

Okay, I admit it. It’s a little quirky. I mean, growing up, my parents always just tried to get the parking space that was closest to whatever building we were trying to enter. I think most people live by that kind of logic. Most people base their parking spot decision on what will allow them quickest access to the building. This doesn’t require any strategy or planning. And why should it? It’s just something simple—parking a car.

Yeah, but I’m me. I make everything a little more complicated, a little more awkward, and a little more fun! My parking thought processes are a little different. Usually, I’m thinking, “What parking space will allow me easiest exit from the parking lot?” My way of thinking actually requires quite a bit of planning and strategy, which, yes, makes me odd.

And things are about to get otter odder.

Here’s how I go about selecting a good parking spot:

1) Ain’t Too Proud to Walk

When I go to Walmart or church (on a Sunday morning), I park pretty far away from the door. Do you know how long it takes me to cross the entire parking lot of my church? About 20 seconds. Do you know how long it takes me to cross the entire parking lot of Walmart? Probably about 45 seconds. Now, I can understand that if you have three kids in tow, or if you have arthritis in both knees, you might want to park a little closer. It’s just that I see relatively young and healthy individuals fight over the closer parking spots, hoping to save a little bit of time and effort. They spend far more time and gas and energy trying to find a close parking spot than they would if they just parked a little further away and walked an extra few yards.

At Walmart, I park far away, but I make sure I’m also parking next to one of those grocery cart return thingies. It irks me when people don’t return their carts to those cart return thingies. The only way I can justify not returning a cart would be if zombies attacked Walmart. If zombies attack Walmart, by all means, roll your cart at them and run like the dickens.  (I'm not sure where the saying "the dickens" came from, but if a zombie Charles Dickens were chasing me, I doubt I'd be running like the dickens.  I'd be like, "HEY!  You're an undead Charles Dickens!  Can I have your autograaaaaaaaaaufhghg!?" And he would eat my brainz.  I'd be honored to have Charles Dickens eat my brainz, by the way.)

2) Only Back It Up Back It Up When Absolutely Necessary

The bane of my parking lot existence is those little concrete barriers they put between two parking spaces that are lined up in the same little row. I like it when I can pull my car into one space and just drive it on through to the space across from it so that the front of my car is facing the opening of the space. No backing up necessary! I use these convenient spaces whenever humanly possible…even if it means I have to park further away from the building (see #1).

3) Circumnavigate the Globe Lot

One of the easiest ways to slow down the entry into or exit from a parking lot is to go where pedestrians typically cross. Whenever possible, I go around the parking lot instead of through it. It might seem like a waste of time and gas to go a longer distance around a parking lot, but nine times out of ten, if I take the shorter distance to where more pedestrians are, I have to stop multiple times to avoid hitting someone, which wastes time and gasoline. On a related note, as a person who likes to walk across parking lots, I take great delight in making cars stop for me as I enter the “crossing zone.” Fools shoulda gone around the other way….

4) Permanent Parking

I’m not one of those people who gets upset if someone parks in my space (like that parking tyrant Kara). I’m not that possessive of public property, okay. It’s just not that big of a deal to me if I don’t park in the same place every time—I just prefer to have consistency in my parking spaces. I am a creature of habit that doesn’t like change, but there’s a greater reason why I typically like to park in the same general places.

It has happened to all of us. We leave a store and realize that we can’t remember where we parked. I really don’t know how I ever survived before I got a car with a remote. As embarrassing as it can be, sometimes it’s just necessary to click the don't panic button on the remote so that I can locate my beeping and flashing car in a crowded parking lot.

The other day I was walking towards a car that looked just like mine. Same color, same features—sunroof and spoiler and everything. It wasn’t until I tried to unlock the door that I realized it wasn’t mine. Mine was located a few feet behind it, and I didn’t realize it until the headlights came on—on the car behind the one I was trying to unlock. It kind of freaked me out a little. I think someone parked that car so close to mine just to mess with my head. …they’re out to get me, I tell you….

Yeah, so everyone misplaces their cars, but I’ve found that the chances of it happening are much less if one parks in the same space (or general area) every time they visit a particular parking lot. Knowing where your car is without having to think about it is always a good thing. It speeds up the exiting of the parking lot, and you don’t end up looking like an idiot because you don’t know where you put your car. Win-Win.



You can judge me for my quirky behavior if you want, but the way I see it, there’s nothing wrong with having a “Parking Lot Plan.” There’s nothing wrong with having a “Parking Lot Entrance and Exit Strategy.” There’s nothing wrong with having a usual parking space, along with a backup space or two. There’s nothing wrong with being extra prepared when it comes to those awkward parking situations.

I mean, haters gonna hate, but we’ll see who gets out of the parking lot first when the zombies attack Walmart. ...with otters....

You Say "Obsessed" Like It's a Bad Thing (Part Two: RPGs)

Before continuing with this obsession blog series (that is going to end with this part, because I realized after the fact that it's a really stupid idea), I'd like to apologize.  First, because the first part of this was long and boring.  Second, because I haven't written a socially awkward blog post in over a week!  I have excuses and explanations for this, but really, no one cares.  I think that might actually be my next SAA blog: No one cares.  I don't promise it will be the most hilarious thing ever, but it stands a good chance of being funnier than the food obsession blog, and it's guaranteed to be funnier than personally getting hit by a bus. 

Right.

So.

I'm not usually allowed to play computer games.

I'm 31 years old, so it's not like I have to have parental permission to play computer games.  My roommate owns the computer on which I am typing, and I'm sure she wouldn't appreciate me using it to play computer games, but she doesn't have any specific rules. 

The person who doesn't allow me to play computer games (usually) is ME. 

The reason I'm not allowed to play computer games is because I'm the sort of person who forgets to eat, forgets to sleep, forgets to live in the REAL world while she's playing computer games.  Now, we're not talking solitaire.  I can play a 2 minute game of cards without getting caught up in the wild, wild card flippin' action.  In fact, solitaire and repetitive games like that are sometimes good for me because they give my eyes and hands something easy to do while my brain is busy inventing stories and working out plot details--or else just working out details of my crazy crazy life. 

If the game has a plot.  If the game has a story line.  If the game has an objective that requires pretending I'm another person in a new set of circumstances, forgedduhboudit.  I'm a goner.  I can't play these games without getting absolutely addicted.

I know this because I spent probably a couple years of my life playing different role playing games (RPGs) on the computer.  I didn't get into the card games such as Dungeons and Dragons, but man oh man, I was into some of the similar type computer games.  I was all about fake questing it as a Ranger or an Enchanter, traveling with a "party" of fake people through mystical realms, fighting creatures and learning new mad skills.  Friends?  Social life?  Adequate sleep?  Who needed such things!?  I just gained 302 experience points by killing a giant spider!  Woo Hoo!  Dream big!

I even got way into those text based adventure games.  Remember those?  Zork?  The Colossal Cave?  No graphix?  No problem!  "--Hit troll."  "-What do you want to hit the troll with?"  "--Hit troll with sword."  "-You hit the troll with the Splendid Sword.  The Troll eats you.  You have died."  Oh, I love those things.  They're so 80's-riffic, but it turns out that people still write them.  They still have a following.  In fact, I want to write one, but since I'm not allowed to play them anymore, that dream will probably never come true.  But I'm getting ahead of myself...

Yeah.  Eventually I realized how pathetic I had become in my RPG addiction obsession problem fascination.  And I realized that I had to do something drastic or I'd end up living in my parents' house forever so I could not work and still support my gaming habit.  Okay, so I believe my parents actually love me more than that--if I hadn't kicked the habit myself, they would have kicked it for me--by kicking my butt out the front door and making me get a job.  Instead, I kicked myself out by going back to school.  Because I wanted an education that didn't involve beating up zombies.

Only, I have a small confession.  Sometimes I play this game called Plants VS. Zombies.  And sometimes I still beat up zombies.  It's not an RPG, so I can play a level and stop (ANYTIME I WANT, I TELL YOU!).  I can resume my real life, which is mostly zombie free.

It's just that sometimes, when life turns into a monotonous series of actions, I find myself reminiscing those RPG days.  I go to work and stop a kid from crying.  38 experience points.  I swat the elusive fly that's been buzzing around the kitchen for three days.  107 experience points.  I manage to find an hour to write in the middle of a day that's packed with 2-3 jobs.  203 experience points.  I go grocery shopping.  432 experience points.  I successfully pick up/drop off all three kids to whatever soccer practice or after school activity they have without going absolutely bonkers.  3,598 experience points.

I'm well on my way to gaining a new level and getting some more attribute points to spend!  Hmm...I think I could use a little more wisdom.

Public Service Announcement: When Zombies Attack

In light of recent events in the eastern USA, I feel the need to post a good solid list of emergency plans, you know, just in case an earthquake, hurricane, and zombie attack happen in the same week.  I hear you skeptics laughing, saying THAT could never happen, but two out of three DID happen.  And who's to say that the zombie attack isn't coming?  Maybe the zombies are already here.  Maybe you stop reading this blog and go lock your doors.  But, seriously, is a locked door going to really stand in the way of a brainz-cravin' zombie?  I don't think so.  Plus, I really don't want you to stop reading my blog.  Ever.

So here it is, my Five Step Zombie Attack Escape Plan.

Step 1: Learn How To Run

Back in February, I started running.  Sure, I claimed it was because I got free entry into a 5K to support my boss' tweenage daughter in her self-esteem promoting running group, but that wasn't the real reason.  I wanted to get better at running so I'd stand a good chance when the zombies inevitably attacked. 

Zombies are relentless.  Relentless, I tell you.  They want brainz and they're going to stop at nothing to get them.  You can't reason with them, and it's not a good idea to try to fight them.  There are those who will tell you that zombies can be defeated by fire or axes or a couple solid rounds from a machine gun...or that if you plant a garden of sunflowers, peashooters, and fighting mushrooms you can adequately protect your home (and, subsequently, your brainz) from zombies.  Maybe these people had some non-video game type experience that would lead them to believe this.  But I'm pretty sure that if the zombies attack, running is the very best option. The zombies may be relentless, but they're not very fast.  They kind of...lumber.  And moan.  While they're lumbering.

I'm not a fast runner and probably never will be, but that doesn't matter.  Even the slowest jogging is faster than the zombies' lumbering.  So the key to running from the zombies is endurance.  You don't have to run all that quickly.  You just have to keep it up for a while.

Step 2: Know How to Identify Other Fleeing Runners

In my running experience, I've discovered that there are many different types of runners/joggers/walkers.  First, you have the Marathoner.  These people know how to run.  Through a combination of intense training and mad skillz, they can run very quickly for a long time.  These are the people who finish FIRST in marathons, while people like me would just be happy to be able to just finish a HALF marathon at all.  These are NOT people you want to befriend in your preparation for the upcoming zombie attack.  In fact, you will want to stay away from them at all costs.

Another kind of runner/jogger/walker is the Large Family Group.  These are the people who feel the need to take their entire extended family and all their neighbors for a walk at the same time.  Imagine the Duggar family taking a leisurely stroll, blocking the entire sidewalk.  At first, the Large Family Group seems quite innocent.  After all, the Large Family Group is made up of such cute little children with big brown eyes.  Do not let them fool you.  While there might be safety in numbers, the Large Family Group can be a dangerous obstacle to your flee from the zombie attackers.  Use your brainz and plan ahead!  If a Large Family Group happens across your path, IMMEDIATELY plan a way around them, taking an alternate route, if possible.  Do not find yourself fighting through a Large Family Group, because, as I said, there is safety in numbers.  That seemingly sweet, adorable, and loving Large Family Group will feed you to the zombies in a heartbeat, just so they will have more time to escape. 

Another kind of runner/jogger/walker is the Chatty Cathy.  You know the type.  They pass you on the sidewalk and feel the need to say something friendly and witty to you.  Do they notice that you're running, out of breath, unable to utter an intelligible reply?  Probably.  They just want to lure you into a false sense of security as they start running alongside you.  While it might seem like a good idea to make allies in the zombie attack, this is not the type of ally you want.  If another runner has enough breath to attempt to carry on a conversation while running, then I suspect they are a Marathoner in disguise.  And Marathoners are to be avoided at all costs.

Then there are runners like me.  I'll call my type of runner the Wannabe Marathoner.  I suspect most people who call themselves runners fall into this category.  We aren't too fast and never will be.  We just know how to run quickly enough to beat the zombies, and we know how to keep it up for a while.  It might be a good idea to find another Wannabe Marathoner to be an ally in the event of a zombie attack, but there are better options.

The last two types of runners/joggers/walkers are the Sprinters and the Walkers.  The sprinters can run, but only in short bursts.  They usually aren't even all that fast.  Most of them are able to run for a very short distance (not even half a mile) before they run out of steam.  While this might save them from the zombies, for a time, their lack of endurance is bound to exhaust them, leaving them at the mercy of the zombies.

The Walkers are those who can't even run and don't want to try.  Speed walking is their only defense, but you never know if those zombies know how to speed lumber.  And moan.

Step 3: Form an Alliance With Someone Who Runs Slower than You

If you're a Large Family Group, then move along.  You don't need to form an alliance.  You ARE an alliance!  If you're a Marathoner or a Chatty Cathy, then you have a lot of options.  If you're a Wannabe Marathoner, then you'd better stick with a Sprinter (preferably a slow Sprinter) or a Walker.  If you are a Sprinter or a Walker, then immediately proceed to Step 5, because Step 4 will only make you sad.

Step 4: Feed Your Ally* to the Zombies

Running with people slower than you is a great idea.  If the zombies get too close, a well timed trip or push will send your ally and his/her brainz into the clutches of the zombies, thus giving you time to escape and form more deceitful alliances.

*Large Family Groups, your best bet is to catch a runner who doesn't know he/she should try to run around you.  Use your childrens' epic cuteness powers to lure runners into your midst.  Once a lone runner (or two) is there, surround them and wait for the opportune time.  When the zombies come, you'll know what to do.

Step 5: Red Jello

There's nothing zombies love better than some tasty, tasty brainz.  In fact, there's nothing zombies like at all other than some tasty, tasty brainz.  So run.  But if for some reason, the zombies still catch you, it's still not a good idea to fight.  I mean, sure, a chainsaw MIGHT hold them off a bit, but how practical is it to carry a chainsaw whilst running from zombies?  Seriously.  You watch too many movies.

Instead, you should always carry with you a small disposable container of red jello.  Zombies are relentless, hungry, and just plain mean, but they're also quite stupid.  The average zombie doesn't know the difference between brainz and red jello until it eats said red jello.  Tossing red jello into the midst of a group of zombies that is trying to eat your brainz might confuse them just long enough for you to make an escape.  And if the zombies DON'T catch you, hey...you've got yourself a bowl of delicious red jello!  Enjoy!

DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT attempt this with any other jello color or flavor.  Zombies are dumb, but they know the difference between green jello and brainz, okay?  Okay.

So there you have it, my Five Step Zombie Attack Escape Plan.  Feel free to distribute this to your friends, as long as you give me proper credit.  I mean, a socially awkward super hero deserves some props.

SSA Ep. #16: Walking in Crowds

When I was, I don't know, about 8 or 9, I went to an amusement park with a small chaperoned group. All was going well until the heavens opened up and it started pouring down rain. The leader of our little group was really nice and bought all of us these bright orange ponchos from one of the gift shops so we wouldn't get drenched. The problem was, EVERYONE in the whole park also decided to purchase the ponchos from the amusement park gift shops. These ponchos only came in one retina-burning shade: caution sign orange.

While the amusement park made a killing in poncho sales that day, everyone ended up looking like tall, dripping oompa loompas. And whilst walking with my companions, this gigantor of an oompa loompa walked right in front of me, separating me from my group. Several others followed him. Perhaps only five or six people pushed past me, but it was enough to separate me from my group by several paces.

In normal circumstances, I could have simply looked around until I saw the people I knew, then I could jog to catch up with them. However, since everyone looked like giant mobile traffic cones (that makes me want to watch Toy Story 2), I couldn't tell which group was mine. This resulted in my wandering around in circles, crying to myself, until two nice teenage girls saw me and took me to the Lost and Found. Apparently, they have those for people too.

So the story has a happy ending. I got to sit inside a nice warm building, drinking hot cocoa, watching Yogi Bear on tv until my anxious group leader came to claim me. By the time she did, the sun was out again, and I was ready to hit the rides.

But ever since then, I have been extremely wary when walking in groups. If I'm walking in a group of friends or family members, I do NOT like being separated from them.

'That's ridiculous!' I hear you say! 'You're a grown up' I hear you say! Or maybe you're not saying anything, and I'm just hearing voices...again...

I know, I know. If I got separated from a group today, I could easily just call/text one of my friends and figure out where they were. I could totally handle the situation like a grown up. No big deal at all. It's just that I kind of really like the security of being in a group, especially when there are crowds.

Don't get me wrong here. I'm the sort of person who enjoys going out by herself. I can have fun in a crowded movie theater even if I didn't come with anyone else. But if I happen to be with someone, I want to know where they are...just in case.

I'm really not sure to what the "just in case" might apply.

They say there is safety in numbers, and I have to say, I agree. I mean, there are a variety of ways that walking in a group has its advantages. For instance, walking in a group is a great way to avoid suckerization. Walking in a group makes it harder for you to get mugged or something. Walking in a group can prevent you from getting trampled on by another group.

And if I were walking in a group, I'd have someone to trip, you know, just in case zombies attacked. They can't have my brains! I'm writing books!

The trouble is, there aren't really any written courtesy rules to follow when walking in groups. I noticed this while recently attending a live show with my good friends Stefanie and Laura. We entered the theater and Laura walked on ahead. I was about to push my way through the crowd to stay with her, but Stefanie held back and let other people walk ahead. That was nice of Stefanie. I thought, "Now why can't I be nice like Stefanie and let people walk ahead instead of being so bound and determined to stay with the group?" But then I thought, "Oh yeah, because Stefanie is awesome and not remotely socially awkward. I mean, for crying out loud, she doesn't even have door issues!" And then I continued to push my way through the crowd like someone had just started giving away free bacon.

It's times like those that I need my own personal Fezzik from "The Princess Bride" to shout "EVERYBODY MOVE!" The crowds would part and I could move about at my leisure. But then, if I had my own personal Fezzik, a lot of life's problems would be solved. He's strong. He's big. He's...good at rhyming. Hmm...where can I get a Fezzik?

I wonder what Fezzik would look like in an orange poncho, shouting, "I AM THE DWEAD PIWATE WOBERTS! THERE WILL BE NO SUWVIVORS! ALL YOUWALLS NIGHTMARES AWE ABOUT TO COME TWUE!"

I think I forgot what I was writing about.