Social Awkwardness 101

It's the 101st Socially Awkward Adventure!  To celebrate, I'mma post 101 ways to create, inspire, and spread awkwardness. Oh, joy!


1. Send yourself flowers and sign your coworker's name to the card.  Loudly thank your coworker, making a huge production out of it.

2. When someone speaks over the loudspeaker at the grocery store, fall down, cover your ears and scream, "NOT THE VOICES AGAIN!!!"

3. Walk up to a stranger, sniff his shoulder, turn, and walk away.

4. Laugh.  Maniacally.  For no apparent reason.

5. Put cilantro in everything.  Everything.
6. Tell someone you want to tell them a knock knock joke.  Then ask them to start it.

7. While in public, loudly sing the incorrect lyrics to Elton John songs (ie. "hold me closer, Tony Danza" or "She's got electric boobs!  Her mom does, too!  You know I read about Charlie Sheen!").

8. Stare at people.

9. Smile at people.

10. Stare and smile at people.

11. Ask your blind date if s/he's ever let anyone else pick his/her nose.

12. Do this (it helps if you're a girl).
13. Eat onions and go breathe on people.  Tell them they have bad breath.

14. Talk on the "banana phone" in public. 
15. Ask for something in a different accent every time your waiter asks if he/she can get you anything.

16. Use the phrase "That's what she said!" when it makes no sense to use it.  (i.e. "I went to the grocery last night."  "THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!")

17. Wait till you're on an elevator with a complete stranger, then press the emergency stop button.  After the elevator comes to a complete stop, inform the stranger that you are currently wearing new socks.

18. Go to donate blood dressed as Count Dracula.

19. Give names to all of your potato chips and befriend them.  Take them with you to while picnicking in a public park.  Loudly cry and mournfully call out their names as you eat them, also sporadically saying, "Oh, no! Not you, Christy!  Why?  Why couldn't I eat just one?" and "I'm sorry, Barry!  Once I pop, I just can't stop."

20. Wear all your clothes backwards.  Also walk backwards.  If you run into someone, politely suggest that they watch where they're going.

21. Pretend a person you've never seen before is actually an old friend you haven't seen in months.  If the person asks who you are, pretend to be offended and storm off.

22. Invite people to a surprise party for yourself, reminding them not to tell you about it.

23. Roll your windows down and blast dorky music while waiting at stoplights.

24. Apologize profusely when you run into inanimate objects.

25. Call someone by the wrong name.  Argue heatedly with him/her when s/he tries to correct you.

26. Hum in a high pitched voice while pretending to watch a fly buzz around the room. 

27. In the full view of several people (preferably strangers), go into the corner of a room, peek inside your manbag and loudly whisper "Hey, are you okay in there?  Got enough air?"

28. Carry a manbag.

29. Go to one of those parties where people try to get you to buy overpriced junk, and freely admit, out loud, that you're only there for the food and possible freebies.

30. Tell everyone you know about your ribbon collection.

31. Dig a pit in your front yard, cover yourself with leaves, and jump out at people.
32. Write songs about your love for bacon that inadvertently sound Anti-Semitic.  Also inadvertently sing them in front of Jewish people.

33. Develop a borderline creepy fascination with the number four.

34. When meeting someone for the first time, sneeze and cough "wetly" into your hand.  Then immediately offer it to the other person for a friendly handshake.

35. Use imaginary words (be sure to have an imaginary definition ready for your imaginary word, just in case someone asks).

36. Go to Taco Bell and ask for a Big Mac.

37. Post an embarrassing status on Facebook over, and over, and over.  Sometimes, Facebook is kind enough to do this for you without any effort on your part.  (Insert sarcastic smile here!)

38. Stare at someone's ear while having a conversation with them.  Refuse to break ear-contact even if the other person starts getting seriously weirded out...and they WILL get weirded out.

39. Be a happily single woman in her thirties.

40. Recite Justin Beiber lyrics as if they were lines in some great classical play. (Baby.  Baby.  Baby. NOOOO!)  I'm telling you, that lyrical brilliance reads just like Shakespeare.... (not hatin', just sayin')

41. Ask people if they'd like to buy your invisible pickle.

42. When your friends have a roadkill deer in their yard, write a song about it.

43. Tell your new roommate at a conservative Southern Baptist Seminary that Joel Osteen is your favorite author. 

44. Go to a thrift store just to hear the crazy people talk to themselves.

45. Go trick-or-treating.  On the fourth of July.

46. Be entirely too passionate about your right to wear flip flops.

47. When your dryer buzzes at the laundromat, crack the door open, peek inside, and say, "Hey grandma, give me another quarter if you want to ride again."

48. Use a door (note: only awkward in situations involving other people, unless you happen to be particularly "gifted").

49. Write a blog about 101 socially awkward things and run out of things to write about at #49.  Yeah.  That was awkward...