Public Service Announcement: How to Stay Single in Ten Easy Steps

Meet Ruth.

Ruth is single.

How has a gorgeous, talented, and smart (not to mention, humble) young woman like Ruth remained single for all these years?

Hmmm....that's a mystery...

Ah, Ruth has remained single because she has learned the secrets--

The secrets to staying single!

She's going to share these secrets with you...in TEN EASY STEPS!

STEP ONE: Work as much as humanly possible.

Working three or more jobs makes it nearly impossible to have a social or dating life. If you find that you're working all the time and STILL have time for dating, try writing a novel. That will take away every last iota of your free time, making it impossible for you to find time for dating. For added singleness insurance, try working with kids. That way, you get that haggard, unattractive "my kids are driving me crazy" look without actually being a parent.

STEP TWO: Wear a ring that looks suspiciously like a wedding band near (or even on) your left ring finger.

Whether it's a "Purity Ring" or just some weird LOTR obsession, wearing a wedding-band-ish ring will confuse people enough to virtually guarantee your continual singleness. Also, biting your nails and having horrendously dry skin probably helps, too. No one wants to hold THAT unmanicured monstrosity!

STEP THREE: Surround yourself with children so that everyone, including single men/women, will assume you're a mommy/daddy.

(I don't have a cutesy pic for this step because I'm NOT a mommy and don't feel comfortable posting any of the MANY pictures I have of me with someone else's kids.)

If you want to appear as unattractive as possible to all eligible suitors, make sure you always have kids with you. If you aren't a child care provider by trade or don't have any kids to borrow, go rent some kids. There are kid rental places now, right?

And always make sure your facebook profile pic is of you and a kid that looks exactly like you.

STEP FOUR: Don't have mad cooking skills.

A lack of mad cooking skills makes you less desirable. 'Nuff said.

STEP FIVE: Have an imaginary boyfriend/girlfriend.

Whether you're the Captain Jack Sparrow type, the Edward Cullen type, or I don't know...whatever fictional female the boys are into these days... having a fictional significant other makes real potential significant others shy away. I mean, most eligible men and women know that they can't compete with the fictional perfection of a fictional person, so they just give up. And you remain single.

STEP SIX: Be a Grammar Nazi!

Because EVERYONE loves a Grammar Nazi...right? Right? Oh.

STEP SEVEN: Make friends with creatures that usually only exist in fantasy.

People will think you're crazy. Crazy people don't get dates as often as sane people, or so I have heard. I wouldn't know. I've never been sane.

STEP EIGHT: Do weird stuff in public for no apparent reason.

While some people actually appreciate weirdness in other people, it's probably not the best way to make a first impression on any single people who might be watching.

STEP NINE: Actually WANT to get married.

In my experience, nothing scares a single guy more than a woman who wants to get married. So just want to get married, and you'll scare away every single guy within a 100 mile radius.

STEP TEN: Be a socially awkward super hero.

Meh. Works for me.

SAA Ep. #20: Calorie Nazi

I have a bad habit of slipping into bad habits (see what I did there?). Recently, I discovered another bad habit I picked up. Oddly enough, it was a bad habit that came out of a good habit. My problem, as usual, is that I am seldom able to find a good balance. If I'm to succeed in something, I usually have to be super disciplined. Sometimes, this discipline spills over into my social life and starts annoying people.

Last year, I started counting calories because I decided I was sick of being fat. Sure, I fell off the wagon for a while...and gained back a lot of weight over Thanksgiving and Christmas, but I picked it back up again for the obligatory New Year's Resolutions. It works for me, but as I said, I have to be super disciplined. None of this "moderation" stuff works for me. I mean, I can limit myself to a couple of pieces of chocolate a day--I guess that's moderate. But if I were to go to a buffet--especially one with a dessert bar, we'd have a problem. I don't know when to say no, so I have to tell myself no beforehand.

And that means I have to know the calories in everything I eat before I eat it.

So last week one of my preschool kids had a birthday party, and the mom brought donuts...and not just any donuts. Krispy Kremes, the ONE DONUT TO RULE THEM ALL. I was going to politely refuse, but the mom put the beautiful donut on a plate and handed it to me. I had to accept. I took one bite, just one bite, of the glazed Precious. Oh, but once I had tasted the Donut of Power, I could not stop. Was I consuming it, or was it consuming me?

I skipped my lunch and one of my snacks that day to compensate, and the SECOND I got home, I turned on the computer and Googled "glazed Krispy Kreme donut calories." I had to know how much damage I had done.

Turns out, the Donut of Power was only 30 calories over the protein bar I was going to eat for lunch. It fit fairly easily into my diet. It fit so easily that I went back and had ANOTHER donut on Sunday. I'll probably go back and have another one sometime this week. Sure, there's very little protein or anything else healthy about a donut, even if the calories are relatively low, but Ruthums wants her Precioussss.

Don't start calling me Ruthums.

So anyway, when I looked up the calorie info for the donut, my roommate was sitting nearby. I started telling her about how many calories were in different kinds of donuts. Apparently, this stuff fascinates me now. I'd probably rattled off the calorie info for about seven different kinds of donuts before she finally said, "Ruth. Stop. Nobody cares."

She is right. Nobody cares. Except for me. It's because I've turned into a calorie nazi, and I didn't even realize it. Without any warning whatsoever, I can change from socially awkward superhero into a calorie counting nazi jerkface that annoys you by making you actually think about what you're eating.

I've even developed an unhealthy relationship with healthy spaghetti squash. Why? Because 9 ounces only has about 100 calories, and there's so much you can do with it. Seriously, I'm eating it like five nights a week now. Sunday, I put some 60 calorie spaghetti sauce on it. Yesterday, I also put spaghetti sauce on it (I love spaghetti). Tonight, I really shook things up and put peanut sauce on it--I even mixed in some chopped up spaghetti squash seeds to make it seem like there were peanuts in my squash noodles.

9 ounces of real pasta has a lot more than 100 calories in it, but you probably don't care.

My birthday is coming up, and I'm not even going to be able to get over my calorie nazi-ness for that. The family I sit/nanny for wants to take me out for a birthday dinner--already my brain is screaming, "OH NO! Where can I go? What can I eat? Calories are everywhere!" I want to try one of those Chick-fil-a banana pudding milkshakes on my birthday, but I know how many calories are in it and I'm going to have to share it with someone. I'm not even talking halves. I'm only drinking 1/3 of that bad boy. I want to go do something with my friends for my birthday, but I am terrified of anything that has to do with calories I'm not in control of.

...is this sad and pathetic? Probably.

...but at least my jeans fit...

...actually, they're a little loose.

I call it the donut diet (don't I wish...).

(Just so you know, I didn't include the number of calories in the Donut of Power because I figure that most people just don't want to know. If you know, then you can go Google it yourself. I mean, what do I look like? Your personal Google Slave? Sheesh.)