Public Service Announcement: How to Stay Single in Ten Easy Steps

Meet Ruth.

Ruth is single.

How has a gorgeous, talented, and smart (not to mention, humble) young woman like Ruth remained single for all these years?

Hmmm....that's a mystery...

Ah, Ruth has remained single because she has learned the secrets--

The secrets to staying single!

She's going to share these secrets with you...in TEN EASY STEPS!

STEP ONE: Work as much as humanly possible.

Working three or more jobs makes it nearly impossible to have a social or dating life. If you find that you're working all the time and STILL have time for dating, try writing a novel. That will take away every last iota of your free time, making it impossible for you to find time for dating. For added singleness insurance, try working with kids. That way, you get that haggard, unattractive "my kids are driving me crazy" look without actually being a parent.

STEP TWO: Wear a ring that looks suspiciously like a wedding band near (or even on) your left ring finger.

Whether it's a "Purity Ring" or just some weird LOTR obsession, wearing a wedding-band-ish ring will confuse people enough to virtually guarantee your continual singleness. Also, biting your nails and having horrendously dry skin probably helps, too. No one wants to hold THAT unmanicured monstrosity!

STEP THREE: Surround yourself with children so that everyone, including single men/women, will assume you're a mommy/daddy.

(I don't have a cutesy pic for this step because I'm NOT a mommy and don't feel comfortable posting any of the MANY pictures I have of me with someone else's kids.)

If you want to appear as unattractive as possible to all eligible suitors, make sure you always have kids with you. If you aren't a child care provider by trade or don't have any kids to borrow, go rent some kids. There are kid rental places now, right?

And always make sure your facebook profile pic is of you and a kid that looks exactly like you.

STEP FOUR: Don't have mad cooking skills.

A lack of mad cooking skills makes you less desirable. 'Nuff said.

STEP FIVE: Have an imaginary boyfriend/girlfriend.

Whether you're the Captain Jack Sparrow type, the Edward Cullen type, or I don't know...whatever fictional female the boys are into these days... having a fictional significant other makes real potential significant others shy away. I mean, most eligible men and women know that they can't compete with the fictional perfection of a fictional person, so they just give up. And you remain single.

STEP SIX: Be a Grammar Nazi!

Because EVERYONE loves a Grammar Nazi...right? Right? Oh.

STEP SEVEN: Make friends with creatures that usually only exist in fantasy.

People will think you're crazy. Crazy people don't get dates as often as sane people, or so I have heard. I wouldn't know. I've never been sane.

STEP EIGHT: Do weird stuff in public for no apparent reason.

While some people actually appreciate weirdness in other people, it's probably not the best way to make a first impression on any single people who might be watching.

STEP NINE: Actually WANT to get married.

In my experience, nothing scares a single guy more than a woman who wants to get married. So just want to get married, and you'll scare away every single guy within a 100 mile radius.

STEP TEN: Be a socially awkward super hero.

Meh. Works for me.

SAA #11: My Shell

In the past few months, I have had more than one person tell me that they didn't realize I had a personality until they became friends with me on Facebook.

I'm not sure how to take a comment like that. It's like the time my choir director told me, "I can honestly say that our Christmas cantata would not have been the same without you." I mean, what does THAT mean, exactly?

Anyway, I know that people who say such things aren't trying to be rude. They're just being honest without really thinking...like when someone tells you, "You look tired." The fact is, I know that my offline presence is sometimes different than my online presence--especially for people who don't know me very well.

For years and years and years I struggled with the idea that there was something wrong with me. I mean, most people will tell you that they think it's preferable to be an extrovert than an introvert. Even if they don't tell you this, it's often evident from people's attitudes that they think it's better to be extroverted than introverted. But I'm an introvert. I'm Socially Awkward Girl, after all. That's not to say I don't love people. I've got a LOT of friends. I just need some time to get to know people before I "come out of my shell."

So whenever I am thrown into a new situation where I don't know people all that well, I come across as someone who has no personality whatsoever. I don't talk much. When I do talk, it's usually just to answer another person's question as succinctly as possible. I used to feel guilty about this, and once I even tried to do something about it. It was then that I realized that it is not a good idea to try to force myself out of my shell.

I need my shell. Actually, that's not entirely true. Other people need my shell. I have had a few friends who have tried to get me to come out of my shell before I was ready to come out of it. They didn't realize the truth that I have learned over the years.

You see, I have a theory that God knew exactly what He was doing when He gave me a shell. I do have a personality. I have a bizarre, unusual, sometimes scary personality. In fact, my personality is so strange that it comes with its own built in security device. You see, if I were to reveal my amazing and awkward weirdness to complete strangers, I would scare most of them away (that's what happened when I tried to force myself out of my shell once). God made my shell so that it chips away very, very gradually, just a little bit at a time. As I become more comfortable with people, little pieces of my odd personality appear. Over time, I come completely out of my shell and everyone realizes that I'm utterly bonkers, but at that point, it's okay. They had time to get used to my weirdness, and therefore they weren't overwhelmed by it.

You see, there's something people should know about me when they try to get me out of my shell. It takes me a while to come out of it, but once I am out THERE IS NO WAY TO GET ME BACK INSIDE. If you wish I'd come out of my shell, you'd better be careful for you wish for.

Back to the whole Facebook thing. I'm a better writer than a speaker. I make no excuse for that. It's how God made me. It's a lot easier for my quirkiness to come out when I'm updating my Facebook status, or when I'm making some random comment on a friend's wall. I think that my written insanity is a lot easier to take than my insanity in person--especially if you don't know me that well.

And if people see two different sides of me, the witty, quirky online me and the quiet, shy offline me, then that's okay, too. It just makes me seem mysterious. And socially awkward people don't get to feel mysterious that often. I mean, sometimes when I'm wearing my black trench coat, I start feeling mysterious. Then I start humming my own theme music and leaping around in time to it. And then I trip over my own feet...and poof! The mystery is gone.

...that's all I have to say about that.