SAA Ep. #41: Not Remembering Having Met People

I took the girls I watch to the pool today.  Since I had cleverly packed a bag full of my swimming stuff and cleverly forgotten it and left it on my bed in my apartment, I was not able to go swimming with them.  So I sat nicely shaded at one of those awesome tables with a huge umbrella and still somehow managed to get a sunburn.

I'd been there about twenty minutes when one of the moms from the neighborhood came up and started talking to me as if she'd known me my entire life.  "I saw you over here and wanted to come see how you were doing."

Now, usually I'm terrible with names, but good with faces.  I've gone to the same church for five and a half years.  I've sung in the choir for about four of those years.  There are still names of people in the choir that I just don't know.  There are many more people in the church whose names I just don't know.  But I know their faces.  If I've met someone even once, I usually at least remember the person's face.  This person?  Well, I had no idea who she was.  I mean, she WAS wearing sunglasses, so I guess that might have thrown me a little.  As she started talking, I just figured that she was someone I'd met once or twice and maybe shared a "gee aren't these kids so cute" moment.

But then this lady asked me a question that led me to believe that we've had more than just a superficial conversation.  As I was trying to figure out who she was, she asked me, "So how is your book going?"

I looked down at my hands, at the book that I was reading, wondering if she were possibly talking about that.  But no.  She had that annoying look that accompanies every person who asks that dreaded question, "How is your book going?"

I kind of made one of those "so-so" hand gestures and managed a weak smile.  She said something else before departing.  I can't remember what it was.  I was too busy trying to figure out when I'd had a conversation with her about the fact that I write books.  I mean, I just don't go up to strangers and say, "Hi!  My name is Ruth!  I write books!  I like Dragons!  My second favorite color is maroon!  I'm obsessed with Rich Mullins!  My sister once got bitten by a muskrat!  Be my best friend EVER!"  Maybe if I did, I'd have more friends, but somehow I doubt it.  There is a reason someone like me was born inside a shell.  The figurative kind--not the candy coated kind.  I think being an M&M would be slightly problematic for me.  I am reminded of Spaceballs when "Pizza the Hutt" ate himself to death.  If I were an M&M, my fate would be similar.

AND...back to my story.

The only thing I can figure is that either I was completely out of it when I did meet and speak with this person, or I really have only had surface level conversations with her and other people have been talking to her about me behind my back.  I don't really like to think about people talking about me because 1) my writing and I aren't cool enough to be the subject of almost total strangers' conversations and 2) that kind of thinking makes me seem paranoid--and I'm finally just now starting to get used to the idea that "THEY" probably aren't all out to get me.

But then there was this one time in college where I walked into the office of my new advisor, an English professor.  I never had the privilege of taking this lady's class, and I'd never spoken to her before.  But I sat down at her desk and the first words out of her mouth were, "So I hear you're a wonderful writer."  Apparently the English department HAD been talking about me.  And "THEY" might have even been out to get me. 

So I'm really not sure what happened, but apparently I meet people and then forget about it later.  Maybe I have amnesia.  Maybe "THEY" came and got me and erased my memory of having met this person.  How many other people have "THEY" made me forget?  What other things have "THEY" done to me?

I'mma go hide in my room now...

...and put tin foil on my head...

...just for good measure...

SAA Ep. #40: Talking to Machines

If Sci Fi movies are any indication, then we can expect for technology and machines to take over the world in the future. Maybe they already have. This could be the Matrix. I mean, right now you and I could be sitting in little pods filled with goo while machines feed off our energy. So maybe I'm not even writing a blog right now. ...I still expect you to read it.

I've watched/read a lot of Science Fiction...at least enough to know that HAL does not open the pod bay doors. So Science Fiction has taught us that we can't trust machines. But you and I really don't have to boldly go where no man/one has gone before or open up a good Arthur C. Clarke novel to realize that machines can't be trusted. Any college students with deadlines know that computers and printers always plot against us and break down when it's 7:55 a.m. and the paper students stayed all night typing needs to be printed and in the professor's hand at 8:00 a.m.

Technology is unpredictable. Machines were made to make our lives easier, but if they don't do what they're designed to do when we need them to do it, then they make our lives harder. And there's always this thought in the back of my mind that one day my laptop is going to develop a mind of its own and try to eat my brain. Sometimes after watching "I, Robot," I really just want to go live on a farm somewhere and churn butter and ride buggies and shun all technology and pretend I'm Amish. Only I don't think I'd look that cute in a bonnet. Being plain isn't really my thing... Wait.  Can Harrison Ford be there and drink a glass of lemonade like he did in "Witness"?  I wouldn't mind being Amish then. 

 What was I talking about?  Oh.  Technology.

Really, a socially awkward person, such as myself, can totally benefit from technology. When machines are everywhere, I don't have to talk to people as much (which is one of the main goals in the life of every socially awkward superhero).  Now, when I go to the bank. I don't have to go inside, stand in line with other people (some of whom smell inexplicably of pork and beans).  I don't have to speak to a teller who keeps checking to make sure I don't take one of the kids' lollipops they have up the counter.  No, no.  Now I can drive on up to the ATM, deposit my checks, get some cash, and go on my way without ever having to interact with a single human being. 

Same thing with the library.  I can go online, reserve a book, get an automated call from the library, go pick up my book and use a self-checker.  When I'm done with the book, I can toss it into the outside drive-thru bin.  I can have a complete library experience without ever having to talk to a human being.

Grocery store?  I can use a self-checkout.  Now, I have to admit that ten years ago, I had my first experience with one of these things.  Then I vowed that I would never use one again.  See, what happened was, the machine went crazy and started telling me to put things into my bag after I'd already put them in there, and then it kept trying to charge me for things I hadn't even bought.  So I got fed up with it and decided I was going to just give in and go to an actual checkout lane with an actual human person.  But the actual human person monitoring the self-checkout thing (who hadn't been paying attention when the machine went crazy) came over and accused me of trying to steal stuff. So I stepped back and let her ring up all my stuff in the self-checkout, which pretty much defeated the purpose of using a self-checkout.  And I declared that those things were evil and I would never use one again.  I've recanted that lately.  The self-checkout lane machines are not evil; they are simply misunderstood.  I think sometimes they do crazy stuff because they're bored.  I mean, really.  I'd be bored if I were a self-checkout machine.

I'm also very appreciative of companies that have automated services I can use when I have to call them.  I hate hate HATE talking to people on the phone about stuff.  "Customer Service Representatives are standing by" is one of the scariest phrases in the world to me.

Please don't get me wrong.  I like people (sometimes--maybe even usually).  I like talking to people (sometimes).  I also don't want machines to put people out of jobs.  But there's just something really nice to me about being able to go out into the world and do things without having to talk to strangers.  Maybe that makes me some kind of anti-social jerk, but at least I'm not a homicidal robot. 

...or am I...

?

SAA: Ep. #34: You Like Me! You Really Like Me!

Maybe it's because I'm socially awkward, or maybe because I'm female, or because I'm vain self-conscious or because I'm paranoid, or just because I'm human, but sometimes it strikes me really odd that people like me. 

The back story on this is that I was tremendously unpopular for, oh, let's just say 20 years.  It may have even been longer than that, but it doesn't really matter.  If you went to public school, then you probably remember reading graffiti on desks or in the used textbooks.  Sometimes, to tease their friends, people would write things like, "Joe loves *insert tremendously unpopular person's name here*." Usually Joe tried to scribble it out, but for some reason that sort of graffiti could never completely erased.  I'm sure somewhere in some condemned basement, there still lies a tattered math book with the words, "Brandon loves Ruth."  Because people used to do that with my name to tease one another.  I was that unpopular...and let me tell you, it's humbling to see your name used like that.

Kids are mean.  They pick on other kids to make themselves look cooler.  But you know what, I can't pass judgment, because I did the same sorts of things in failed attempts to raise my own pathetic social status.  I'm not proud of it, but it's the truth.

The few friends I did have were usually weird and unpopular, too.  I mean, there were a lot of popular people pitied me and were nice to me.  There were even a few popular people that genuinely liked me (and I've always been able to tell the difference--it's a gift...and a curse).  And really, while I know that the popular crowd almost ALWAYS starts the seemingly never ending battle of the popular crowd vs. the unpopular crowd, I have to take blame for my own actions and attitudes.  Because I didn't make myself more likable by being the arrogant snob I was in high school.  The whole "You think you're better than me?  Well guess what?  I'M better than YOU" attitude that I had was really immature and stupid.  It was a mask I wore to protect myself from the pain of being disliked. 

So it wasn't until I was almost in my early-to-mid-twenties before I realized something.  I wasn't unpopular anymore.  I had found an amazing group of friends (that just kept growing, and growing, and growing) at the second college I attended.  While I didn't believe any of my friends were only my friends out of pity, I just couldn't quite believe that people actually liked me for who I was.  I'd gotten used to being the weird socially awkward nerd that nobody liked. 

I was still a weird socially awkward nerd.  It's just that people liked me...not in spite of my weird socially awkward nerdiness, but BECAUSE of it.  Because apparently that's just who I am.  And I like it.  And other people do, too.  In my experience, when you become an adult, it's suddenly COOL to be a nerd. 

I remember distinctly the day it all came together.  I was talking to my best friend at the time.  I like to ramble, so I was rambling.  And I was going on and on about how weird it was that I had friends.  Finally, my friend stopped me and said, "Ruth.  People like you.  Get over it."

I don't know if I've gotten over it, but I've accepted it.  People like me.  I have been blessed with so many friends.  It's more a grace thing than something I deserve.  And I know that for other people, it's also a grace thing.  We're all weird and wacky and unlovable (when you really get down to it), but that's where grace comes in.  And I'm just thankful for the LARGE community of friends that God has given me.  None of us are perfect.  Grace is still needed.  But WOW it's just such a gift to be able to love and be loved.  I've got more friends than I can even begin to count.  No, no. I haven't gotten over it yet. 

But I have accepted it.  I consider that acceptance of being liked a crucial part of my growing up experience.

And so I guess my question to you is...can you relate?  Have you ever found it odd that people like you?  Have you ever had a time when you accepted it?  Are you still struggling with accepting it?  Or do you even feel like people like you at all?  Do you feel like people CAN like you?  Is there anything else you can think of that might relate to this blog that you want to share?  I kind of want to hear other stories here...so if you have ANYTHING to share, please comment!