Public Service Announcement: You May Know a Writer--Learn the Warning Signs!

Everyday, you see them.  They're driving in the car lane next to you.  They're in the checkout lane behind you.  They're sitting on the pew beside you at church.  They might be your co-workers.  They might be your family members.  They might even be watching...your...children. 

Writers are among us.  They're walking the streets, appearing to be perfectly normal human beings.  All the while, inside their normal-looking heads, insanity lurks.  At any moment, without warning, the writer's focus and passion can change from everyday reality to most bizarre fantasy.

What can the average non-writer citizen do? 

In ye olden days, writers were probably burned at the stake along with presumed witches and tone-deaf minstrels.  Since burning people, even writers, is now frowned upon, there is not much the average non-writer citizen CAN do.  Writers are, and will continue to be, among us.  However, there is hope.  There are ways that you, as an average non-writer, can protect yourself and your family.  Someone you know could be a writer--learn the warning signs!

1) Suspicious Notebooks.  There are many reasons people have for carrying notebooks.  Students carry notebooks.  Teachers carry notebooks.  Notebook salespeople would carry notebooks, but I'm not so sure that's a valid profession.  Writers also carry notebooks sometimes.  If you see a non-teacher/non-student/non-notebook salesperson carrying a notebook on a fairly regular basis, you should not automatically assume that this individual is, in fact, a writer, but pay attention. 

2) Vacant Expressions.  Writers are strange creatures that live in at least two different realms.  One of these realms is usually reality, and yet the writer's connection to reality is sometimes so loose that it can hardly be called a connection at all.  The other connections are to the writer's fantasy worlds.  Often, the writer's fantasy worlds might resemble reality, and other times, the writer's fantasy worlds might resemble a purple planet where unicorns make pie from magical wishing berries.  Whatever the fantasy worlds are like, the writer can visit these worlds at any time.  This means that while a writer is at work (almost all writers have to support themselves by working other jobs--otherwise the writer is known as a successful author, who is even more dangerous) or driving down the road, he or she might be somewhere else entirely.  Vacant expressions alone are not conclusive warning signs, as many people have vacant expressions, but be wary.

3) Maniacal Laughter for No Apparent Reason.  A person who pairs vacant expressions with maniacal laughter for no apparent reason is probably a) mentally unstable, b) a writer, or c) both.

4) Intense Mood Swings. A writer's emotional state can drift from absolute elation (when the writing is going well) to the depths of despair (when the writing is going badly...or not at all) in the span of about 0.021 seconds.  A writer might also feel the need to express his or her elation or depression by extensively ranting about his or her fantasy world to whoever happens to be in hearing range.  When this happens, invest in a good pair of invisible earplugs and learn to fall asleep with your eyes open, because these rants are known to last for hours and drive non-writers to the point of madness.

5) Talking to Oneself. Writers often talk to themselves--because they're trying to work out dialogue, because they actually believe they're living with unicorns who make pie, or because they've just completely gone coo-coo.

6) Delusions of Godhood. Writers are used to controlling all the things that happen in their stories.  Within the confines of their fantasy worlds, they determine who lives and who dies, who falls in love and who falls down a well.  When a writer's delusions of godhood cross over into reality, the only safe thing a non-writer can do is hide until the delusions pass--IF they pass.

7) Imaginary Friends. Writers often start relating so well to their fictional characters that they actually start believing they're alive.  If you know anyone who has imaginary friends, like, say, five Dragons that live in his/her room--then it's probably safe to assume this person is a writer.

You may have noticed that writers exhibit many of the same signs as people who are criminally insane.  This is not a coincidence, since many writers commit heinous atrocities against humanity within the confines of their suspicious notebooks.  If anyone you know displays any or all of the warning signs above, use extreme caution. 

If you encounter a writer in your day to day life, it is best to nod and smile and agree with everything the writer says (no matter how ridiculous and far-fetched it may seem), then excuse yourself as soon as humanly possible.  Do not, I repeat, DO NOT attempt to encourage them or engage in their fantasy world, or they will attempt to draw you into it.  The next thing you know, you'll be attending a magical wishing berry pie party and dressing up as a unicorn.

Run away.

Embarrablast from the Past Ep.# 9: Weird Waiters

I have about six months combined experience working in a restaurant. For three months, I was a hostess at one of those franchised sit down family type restaurants that also has pie. I gained weight working there. I also worked for three months as a pizza delivery girl. I think I actually lost some weight with that job. Pie is better than pizza. *MUST RESIST URGE TO GO ON FIVE PARAGRAPH RANT ABOUT HOW I DON'T LIKE IT WHEN SOMEONE REFERS TO A "PIZZA PIE."*

So, yes, I have worked in the food service industry *just* long enough to learn that there are some weird characters who work in restaurants. Most of these people are kept behind the scenes--in the kitchen--cooking your food. Occasionally, however, I've been eating establishments where they keep their crazies right out in the open. I guess the management figures that it provides atmosphere...or something. At any rate, I think I've had more than my fair share of awkward experiences with restaurant employees.

My first example comes from my high school years. I went out to Shoney's with my family for my birthday. I think I was 16. Well, suddenly, the Shoney Bear pops up. You know...guy (girl?) in a big ol' cartoon bear costume. Smiling. Always smiling.

Shoney Bear comes up to my table and just stands there. My parents were at the salad bar or something. Shoney Bear just stands. Stupid big cartoon bear eyes. Smiling.

My parents came back, yet the Shoney Bear stood. Finally, I was like, "Do I know you?"

Shoney Bear, smiling, very slowly shakes his head "no."

"Can I help you with something?"

Shoney Bear smiles. And nods. And smiles.

Then Shoney Bear sits next to me in the booth and gives me a hug. Then Shoney Bear got up and went to harass someone else. Still smiling.

I had nightmares for weeks.

The second incident came from my later teenage years. I was in college at this point. I also had about the worst attitude in the world. Let me set the stage for you. It was the summer after my freshman year of college, where I had developed this ridiculous and completely unhealthy crush on this guy who just really didn't LIKE like me at all. I was still basking in the depths of despair, and my friend was like, "Oh come spend the weekend with me." So I did. And a few other friends came, too. In that weekend, my friend started dating someone. Two others who were there started dating. The other guy who was there was in a relationship and I wasn't interested anyway.

So we went to a restaurant (sidenote: does anyone find the word "restaurant" ridiculously awkward to spell??) and I was in a mood. So the waiter comes up and seats all of us. There were six of us. Two couples, me and this other guy. The waiter's name was Greg. I remember that vividly, because as the evening progressed, so did my intense hatred of Greg.

First, he just assumed all of us were dating each other somehow, which really was a pretty fair assumption. When I explained that I would be paying for my food separately, that's when he began being a phenomenal jerk. He started making this big show of how everyone else was dating and I wasn't. Did he think he was being cute? Idk. I just thought he was being rude. And I still think that.

Well, eventually everyone ordered dessert. One couple ordered a dessert to share. The other couple ordered a dessert to share. The guy ordered a dessert just for himself. I didn't want anything, so I didn't order anything. When Greg brought out the desserts, each of them had two spoons. He set them all down on the table, then jerks one of the spoons out of one of the desserts, looked right at me and said, "Oops! We won't be needing THAT one!"

Then, when he brought everyone their checks, he came over to me and said, "Oh, it's all right." And he put his arm around me and rubbed my shoulder. I don't know how I refrained from punching him in the face.

Greg did not get a tip. If you know me, then you know that's pretty serious.

The last example happened about a year ago. I went to a restaurant with one of my friends. The waiter comes up to our table and sits down next to me in the booth. "Hi, my name is "Not Greg" and I'll be your server today. Our specials are...."

I just glared at him. Really? In what universe is it okay for a waiter to just come and casually sit down next to someone they don't know? "Not Greg" eventually stopped telling us about the specials long enough to pay attention to my reaction.

"Am I making you uncomfortable?" he asked.

I nodded. "Um, yes."

He stood up, did not apologize, and asked us what we wanted to drink. Then later, when he came back with our orders, he made this big deal about making ME sound like a jerk because I wouldn't let him sit next to me while taking my order.

He did get a tip...a minimal one...I mean, after all, he wasn't Greg.

I have probably had other weird restaurant employee experiences, but those are the big ones. A few months ago, I'm pretty sure I had Harry Potter for a waiter, but he wouldn't admit to anything.