Public Service Announcement: You May Know a Writer--Learn the Warning Signs!

Everyday, you see them.  They're driving in the car lane next to you.  They're in the checkout lane behind you.  They're sitting on the pew beside you at church.  They might be your co-workers.  They might be your family members.  They might even be watching...your...children. 

Writers are among us.  They're walking the streets, appearing to be perfectly normal human beings.  All the while, inside their normal-looking heads, insanity lurks.  At any moment, without warning, the writer's focus and passion can change from everyday reality to most bizarre fantasy.

What can the average non-writer citizen do? 

In ye olden days, writers were probably burned at the stake along with presumed witches and tone-deaf minstrels.  Since burning people, even writers, is now frowned upon, there is not much the average non-writer citizen CAN do.  Writers are, and will continue to be, among us.  However, there is hope.  There are ways that you, as an average non-writer, can protect yourself and your family.  Someone you know could be a writer--learn the warning signs!

1) Suspicious Notebooks.  There are many reasons people have for carrying notebooks.  Students carry notebooks.  Teachers carry notebooks.  Notebook salespeople would carry notebooks, but I'm not so sure that's a valid profession.  Writers also carry notebooks sometimes.  If you see a non-teacher/non-student/non-notebook salesperson carrying a notebook on a fairly regular basis, you should not automatically assume that this individual is, in fact, a writer, but pay attention. 

2) Vacant Expressions.  Writers are strange creatures that live in at least two different realms.  One of these realms is usually reality, and yet the writer's connection to reality is sometimes so loose that it can hardly be called a connection at all.  The other connections are to the writer's fantasy worlds.  Often, the writer's fantasy worlds might resemble reality, and other times, the writer's fantasy worlds might resemble a purple planet where unicorns make pie from magical wishing berries.  Whatever the fantasy worlds are like, the writer can visit these worlds at any time.  This means that while a writer is at work (almost all writers have to support themselves by working other jobs--otherwise the writer is known as a successful author, who is even more dangerous) or driving down the road, he or she might be somewhere else entirely.  Vacant expressions alone are not conclusive warning signs, as many people have vacant expressions, but be wary.

3) Maniacal Laughter for No Apparent Reason.  A person who pairs vacant expressions with maniacal laughter for no apparent reason is probably a) mentally unstable, b) a writer, or c) both.

4) Intense Mood Swings. A writer's emotional state can drift from absolute elation (when the writing is going well) to the depths of despair (when the writing is going badly...or not at all) in the span of about 0.021 seconds.  A writer might also feel the need to express his or her elation or depression by extensively ranting about his or her fantasy world to whoever happens to be in hearing range.  When this happens, invest in a good pair of invisible earplugs and learn to fall asleep with your eyes open, because these rants are known to last for hours and drive non-writers to the point of madness.

5) Talking to Oneself. Writers often talk to themselves--because they're trying to work out dialogue, because they actually believe they're living with unicorns who make pie, or because they've just completely gone coo-coo.

6) Delusions of Godhood. Writers are used to controlling all the things that happen in their stories.  Within the confines of their fantasy worlds, they determine who lives and who dies, who falls in love and who falls down a well.  When a writer's delusions of godhood cross over into reality, the only safe thing a non-writer can do is hide until the delusions pass--IF they pass.

7) Imaginary Friends. Writers often start relating so well to their fictional characters that they actually start believing they're alive.  If you know anyone who has imaginary friends, like, say, five Dragons that live in his/her room--then it's probably safe to assume this person is a writer.

You may have noticed that writers exhibit many of the same signs as people who are criminally insane.  This is not a coincidence, since many writers commit heinous atrocities against humanity within the confines of their suspicious notebooks.  If anyone you know displays any or all of the warning signs above, use extreme caution. 

If you encounter a writer in your day to day life, it is best to nod and smile and agree with everything the writer says (no matter how ridiculous and far-fetched it may seem), then excuse yourself as soon as humanly possible.  Do not, I repeat, DO NOT attempt to encourage them or engage in their fantasy world, or they will attempt to draw you into it.  The next thing you know, you'll be attending a magical wishing berry pie party and dressing up as a unicorn.

Run away.

SSA Episode #13: The Woman Who Saved Valentine's Day

It's Socially Awkward Adventure #13! I hope none of my readers have triskaidekaphobia. Yes. I had to look up the correct spelling for that. No, that's not what this blog is about.

Have you ever wanted to do something nice for someone (or a group of people), but you lose track of time and find yourself scrambling at the last minute, and by the time you realize that it's too late to accomplish this nice thing, you kind of wish you hadn't thought of doing this nice thing in the first place?

If you could understand what I just wrote, I hope you can answer "No, Ruth. That's just you." Yes, the above scenario is something I have dealt with time and time again. Like, I get this idea that I'm going to make guacamole for a party (seriously...I make awesome guacamole. It's so good I call it "ROCKamole"), then I realize at the last minute that I don't have any avocados, and the only ones I can find in the stores are either too mushy or too hard, and then when I FINALLY find some ripe ones after going to four different stores, I realize I don't have at least an hour and a half to make this guacamole.

Apparently, this blog has a theme today, and this theme is run-on sentences...but I digress...

This post is not about Valentine's Day. Well, it is, but only indirectly. Okay, so it's about Valentine's Day. I mean, sort of...

So recently I saw this card for single people that said something stupid like, "I believe there is someone for everyone out there, and one day you will find yours. Until then, know that I love you and lots of other people do too." Basically, what that says to me is, "Here's a card so you won't feel lonely while the rest of us married people are at home snuggling with our spouses. Enjoy!"

The thing is, I'm really NOT bummed about Valentine's Day at all. Not at all. I haven't been for several years...and I've been single for several years. In fact, I've only been "with" someone for one Valentine's Day out of my whole life. But I'm not into that whole "Single Awareness Day" or whatever. It's Valentine's Day. I love Valentine's Day! Do you want to know why?

It's because I love kids. I mean, maybe if I had a significant other, I might just think Valentine's Day was all about showing my love to him. But...somehow I doubt it. I mean, all these froo froo hearts and flowers just don't make me feel romantic. They make me feel cutesy. Kids are good with cutesy.

I love getting those perforated valentine's cards to give to the kids in my life. I love putting together Valentine packages for my nieces and nephew. I love putting heart stickers all over the place. I love reading conversation hearts and just being flat out sickeningly adorable. I love Valentine's Day. And the greatest joy to me every Valentine's Day is giving cards/presents to the kids I love.

So...

Late last night I got this idea that I wanted to get individually wrapped rice krispies treats for the kids in my preschool class. We were having a Valentine's party today, so I thought it might be a nice gesture. I figured I had PLENTY of time to run out in the morning and get some rice krispies treats from CVS. Only CVS didn't seem to have any rice krispies treats--at least not that I could see. And CVS is pretty hopping on random Thursday mornings, especially when the ground is covered with a very light dusting of snow that will have completely melted away by noon--because in the South, if there's snow, that means everyone needs milk and bread immediately and at the same time, or the world will explode in a rainbow of heart-shaped confetti. So I couldn't ask anyone where the rice krispies treats were because all the employees were busy helping people find bread and milk that didn't seem to exist anymore.

No big deal. I had a plan B! There is a grocery store right around the corner from where I work. So I went there. I was still a few minutes ahead of schedule. It was awesome. I'd run in, find the rice krispies treats, and self-check my way out of there to arrive on time to work in a blaze of rice krispies treats glory. Only I couldn't seem to find the rice krispies treats at this store, either. I was browsing the snack aisle (a logical place to find...ya know...snacks), when I ran into one of the minister's wives from my church. I thought she was amazing before, but listen to this:

She greeted me. I explained my dilemma. She said she thought that the rice krispies treats should be with the snacks, too (logical place, that's all I'm saying). Well, I had to run because by this time I was late for work, so I figured the rice krispies treats were just not meant to be.

Alas. My quest for the rice krispies treats had come to an end. I had failed.

But, I say again, listen to this...(or read this...because it's written and not spoken...whatever...)

As soon as I got to work, I got a phone call from the minister's wife. She had found the rice krispies treats and was bringing me a box! I mean, she was like a super hero. The day was saved! She saved Valentine's Day!

You know how there are all those stupid movies out there about somebody saving Christmas? Ernest Saves Christmas. Noddy Saves Christmas (who's Noddy? Idk.) Elmo Saves Christmas. Dora Saves Christmas. Diego Saves Christmas (wasn't Dora enough?? Apparently not). Inspector Gadget Saves Christmas (I might actually watch that one). Rainbow Brite Saves Christmas. Felix the Cat Saves Christmas. Mater Saves Christmas. Your Mom saves Christmas (I might have made up that last one). Me thinks I should do a blog on "...saves Christmas" movies. Ya know...like sometime around Christmas...because right now it's around Valentine's Day...

Yeah, so anyway, they should make a movie about the lady who brought me rice krispies treats. They should call it "The Woman Who Saved Valentine's Day." I'd watch it.

I'd watch it because I lived it.

...and I still have half a box of rice krispies treats to prove it.