My Fellow 'Mericans,
I have recently come to the realization that I will be old enough to run for President of these United States of 'Merica, on my next birthday, which will occur in March of 2015. In light of this historic event, I have decided to announce my candidacy for the office of President of the United States of 'Merica.
I have announced it. I announced my campaign. That's a thing, right? Okay.
My campaign rests on a simple premise. Ponies. I like ponies. Invisible ponies. Imaginary ponies, even. That sparkle. The world needs more ponies. This is why, if and when I am elected President of the United States of 'Merica, I promise that every citizen, regardless of age, race, gender, creed, or preference of which way the toilet paper goes on the roll (the correct way is OVER, but Pres Couth don't judge), will receive an imaginary pony. A few preliminary supporters have already received theirs. My cousin, Steve*, named his imaginary pony, "Carrots," and reports that she is "very pretty."
(*Cousin Steve may or may not also be imaginary)
I have decided that I will not be affiliated with the Democratic nor the Republican party. Instead, I have established my own political party, which I have named the "Surprise Party." Affiliates of the Surprise Party tend to politically favor long walks on the beach, warm hugs, and sweet potato fries. They tend to oppose Snuggies, generic Twinkies, and Elves on the Shelf--because seriously. Those things are creepy.
I also have many changes in store that will make 'Merica great again, some of which will include:
1. I promise to replace all Michelle Obama approved school lunches with Rockamole, hummus, ginger tea, chocolate, and bacon.
2. I will plan trips to the moon--and not just for astronauts. Everyone shall be given Moon Shoes, with which to bounce up into space. This will reduce fundage to the space program significantly. Go ahead, say it. I'm awesome.
3. The praying mantis will replace the bald eagle as our national animal.
4. The kumquat will replace the dollar as our national currency. Money really will grow on trees. You're welcome.
5. Hoverboards will be a thing.
6. I'm SO instituting mandatory daily siestas for everyone.
7. I will veto the Ebola.
8. Instead of spying on my citizens through smart phone cameras, I'm just going to livestream my future webshow, "Pres Couth Cares" to every smart phone in the nation. Every hour. On the hour. Because Pres Couth cares.
9. I'm redecorating the Oval Office to look like the inside of the Tardis.
10. I will make it a rule that the National Anthem can only be sung by people capable of singing it without jumping the octave at "rocket's red glare."
If you are interested in supporting The Couth for Pres, there are many ways that you can get involved.
1. You can contribute financially by sending your unmarked kumquats to the moon, where they will be retrieved by hummus fed praying mantises wearing moon shoes and/or riding hoverboards.
2. You can tell all your friends to "Vote for Couth" in the 2016 election. Feel free to use one or ALL of the many slogans The Couth has chosen to use in her campaign. You can also make up your own or steal one from a popular cartoon, like another president whose name I will not mention ("Yes we can!"--Bob the Builder; "Keep Moving Forward!"--Meet the Robinsons). You can also just keep shouting one word, like "Hope!" or "Change!" Personally, I think I'm going with "Tacos!" When in doubt, just say my name along with things that sound good like, "fiscal report," "energy surplus," and "women's rights," or choose from one of my many Couth-approved slogans:
"A vote for Couth is a vote for Truth! So get on down to the voting booth."
"Don't you gamble. Vote for Ramble!"
"Vote for Couth. Because politics and stuff."
"I'm having trouble reading the teleprompter that tells me what I'm supposed to say."
"Couth Ramble: Changing the diapers, changing the world."
"Couth Ramble: Making Politics Pretty since 2014."
"I put the dent in president."
"Hillary Schmillary."
"A vote for me is a vote for me. So vote for me."
"I'm old enough to be President now, so vote for me."
"I'm so convincingly immature."
"Couth for Pres. That's a thing, right?"
"I like ponies."
"I have no idea what I'm doing! *double thumbs up*"
3. This one is pretty obvious, but VOTE FOR ME. If you don't vote for me, I will never be Pres. And I think you'll agree after reading about my campaign that the Pres is the job Couth was born to do. Also, saying Pres Couth sounds really cool, doesn't it. It so does. This needs to happen. I need YOU to make it happen. "Tacos!"
And well, my fellow 'Mericans, there's my announcement. I announced my candidacy for President of the United States of 'Merica 2016. I expect lots of kumquats to come rolling in, though due to the moon's low gravity, they'll probably just bounce around a bit before the mantises get there. I hope to see YOU in the voting booths in 2016.
And remember:
"I have no idea what I'm doing!"
*double thumbs up*
Sincerely...ish,
Your future leader,
Future Pres Couth
P.S. Tacos!
