Public Service Announcement: The Lesser Known Apocalypse

I've written many a blog about zombies, and for good reason. Well, for good reasonS, actually.  1) People are crazy and like to play with science, so zombies could totally happen.  2) If zombies totally happen, I want everyone to be prepared with red jello.  And not green jello.  3) Even if zombies never totally happen, zombies are still totally cool.  Totally.

I feel like I just got trapped in a movie from 1994.  Let's move on.

In this day and age, what with all the zombie movies and zombie video games and zombie running apps and zombie retellings of classic Jane Austen novels, there really is no excuse for anyone to be caught unawares in the midst of the zombie apocalypse. Even without my informative blog posts, there's so much zombie junk out there that everyone should know how to evade and survive zombie attacks. So if zombies attack and eat your brainz, that's on your own head.

But sometimes it seems as though everyone is talking about the zombies, forgetting that there are other ways this world could meet an untimely demise. Sure, there are any number of apocalyptic movies about evil robots or homicidal aliens or hostile governments gone crazy, but what if the real killer is quiet? What if the real killer is so deadly that it doesn't want to attract any attention?  What if the real killer is lurking above us, never making its sinister intentions known? 

When I went to church as a child, I got bored easily during service.  I know, I know, I should have been paying attention to the sermon, but...I didn't.  Some other more permissive parents let their kids bring toys to "big church," but for some reason my parents thought it was a bad idea to let me bring three coloring books, two packs of crayons, my entire collection of My Little Ponies (which, to be exact, contained...one), a box of Raisinettes, a pack of gum that was large enough to provide weeks of chewing enjoyment to an entire third world country, a handheld video game, a pet ferret, and a magna doodle to church.  Those other kids had it good.  They never got bored during church service.

But I, on the other hand, had little to entertain me.  Sure, I could doodle on the bulletin, but that wasn't terribly diverting. Plus, mom and dad thought that was too much entertainment for me to have in church and put an end to bulletin doodling. So I was forced to look around me.  First, I eyed all the other children who were playing with their various toys and pet ferrets, but that just made me jealous.  So I looked at the stained glass windows, but I wasn't fortunate to go to a church with really fancy windows.  They were just randomly colored squares that went all the way up to the high ceiling in long columns.  No pictures.  No stories.  Just glass.

The ceilings, on the other hand, were pretty cool.  They were high and arched and looked, well...when I was a kid I thought they looked like heaven, all bright and tall and mysterious.  Plus, they had these really cool chandeliers. 

And now that I'm grown up and going to a completely different church in a completely different style of church building, I have to say that it's kind of weird that we have the exact same type of chandeliers.

A chandelier from my current church, which is identical to the chandeliers in the church where I grew up.

 

And I know these are the same kind of chandeliers because I spent so many Sunday mornings and evenings staring at these chandeliers.  Examining them. 

 

Fearing them.

 

What place do chandeliers have in a blog about the Apocalypse?  What if zombies and/or killer robots don't get us?  What if it's the chandeliers?  What if it's always been the chandeliers?

 

Because honestly, most of the time when I was staring at those chandeliers on the heavenly ceiling of my childhood church, I was silently freaking out--because who knows when of those puppies was gonna fall and crush EVERY BODY?

 

And while I was bored in church, I entertained myself by thinking up escape plans, things to do in case the chandeliers attacked.

 

I have decided to pass my thoughts on to you, just in case, JUST IN CASE the Chandelier Apocalypse is ever upon us. 

 

The Chandelier Apocalypse Survival Plan:

 

1. Be prepared*

 

Look, I'm not advocating that you never pay attention in church.  You should totally pay attention in church.  Even if it's a guest speaker.  Don't go away from this blog post saying, "She said we should not pay attention in church" because that's NOT what I'm saying. 

 

What I am saying is this.  Kids don't pay attention in church.  Do you know what kids do in church?  Well, provided you haven't brought a whole blasted circus in a bag for them to play with, kids will find anyway to entertain themselves while sitting in church.  So talk to your kids, see if they have noticed the GIANT FREAKIN' CHANDELIERS above their heads.  Chances are, they have.  Chances are, they're secretly scared of them.  Chances are, they're just WAITING for the day when one of the chandelier's chains break, causing a literal chain reaction where all the other chandeliers also decide to fall, crushing everyone in their midst. 

 

So make your kids the informants.  Talk to your kids about the dangers of chandeliers.  If you don't, who will?  Make sure your kids know it's okay to scream bloody murder in the middle of a church service if the chandeliers start to fall.  In fact, let them know that it is their duty to scream bloody murder in the middle of a church service if the chandeliers start to fall.  And if they don't scream bloody murder in church service if the chandeliers start to fall, then it will be ALL THEIR FAULT if everyone dies.  Really drive home that past point.  This is serious bidiziness.

 

*Also, don't think you will escape the apocalypse if you don't go to church.  Chandeliers are everywhere.  Restaurants. Mansions. Light fixture stores.  You really can't avoid them.  Don't even try.

 

 

 

2. Special Operations Deacon Training

 

Deacons are awesome.  They pass around plates.  And I know that's not even the most important thing that they do, but let's face it.  That's the coolest thing they do.  I mean, those guys can work it.  Most worship leaders give the deacons a good five minute offertory song for them to get those plates passed around.  Dude, pssh.  I've seen deacons cover the whole flippin' room in less than thirty seconds.  They're amazing, they are. 

 

In fact, I'll bet they've all had Special Ops Deacon Training.  SODT.  Yep, yep.  And I see NO reason why deacons can't incorporate some chandelier evasion and defense strategies into their training.  In fact, they might have already thought of that.  When the chandeliers attack, I'll bet they start throwing around those special offering plates like ninja stars, taking out the "chandies" before they have a chance to strike.  I feel safer already.

 

If your church doesn't have SODT, you need to call up your pastor and request, nay DEMAND, SODT.  I'm only thinking of the safety of the flock.

 

 

 

3. Mood Music!

 

If your church has an organ, you're in luck!  Well, actually, scratch that.

 

If your church has an organ AND an organist, you're in luck.  The organist should be prepared AT ALL TIMES to rush to the organ in light of a chandelier attack.

 

When the "chandies" start to fall, it's time to play some "Phantom of the Opera." 

 

You know I'm right on this.

 

 

 

4. Recycle!

 

When was the last time you used a hymnal.  Really.  Think about it. 

 

When I was a kid, hymnals were amazing.  The worship leader would tell you the page number (if you hadn't already looked it up from the bulletin), and the whole worship center would be filled with the beautiful sound of pages turning.  And the aroma!  Ah!  The lovely smell of hymnal paper, filling the sanctuary like holy incense. 

 

Alas, hymnals have gone the way of their fathers.  Now, all the words to all the non-hymnal songs are up on a big screen, and the hymnals are sitting there collecting dust, wishing they could be used again.

 

Well, when the chandeliers attack, the hymnals CAN be used again!  Those things were made to last.  They could make awesome "chandy" protective helmets!

 

When the first alert child screams bloody murder during the church service, that is your cue!  Grab your hymnal!  When the first deacon starts throwing around his offering plate, put your hymnal on your head!  When you see your friends and family wearing hymnals on their heads, resist the urge to laugh.  When you hear the organist start playing, "DUUUUUUUUUH!  DUH DUH DUH DUH DUUUUUUH!" start screaming and panicking.

 

Why?  Because it's an apocalypse.  Everybody screams and panics.

 

 

 

5. Run away!

 

Seriously, folks.  Those "chandies" be crazy.

 

 

 

 

6. Regroup

 

When you are free of the worship center, having evaded the chandeliers, attempt to locate all members of your immediate family or those who were seated nearest to you.  If you cannot locate a friend or family member, DO NOT attempt to go back into the worship center.  We don't need any heroes here.  That's what the deacons are for.

 

 

 

 

--Special Circumstances

 

The previous steps were all directed towards members of the church congregation.  Being a member of the choir and praise team at my own church, I understand that there are times when the normal rules will not apply to you. 

 

If you are a church greeter, you probably should have at least some basic SODT.  I'm not saying you should be able to wield an offering plate like a true deacon, but you need some rudimentary skill if you're going to make sure the visitors get out alive.  We want visitors to come back, right?  Right.  And if they are killed by rogue chandeliers, they can't come back.  So get the visitors out alive.

 

If you are a choir member, you need to learn how to pole vault.  When the chandeliers start falling, the choir members closest to the stage microphones need to grab them, MAKE SURE THEY ARE UNPLUGGED, and use them to pole vault into the baptistery.  Then hand the microphone off to another panicked choir member.  And if you're electrocuted in the process, I'm sorry.  But if it's any consolation, the "chandies" were probably going to kill you anyway.  They don't care if you are first soprano.

 

If you're a member of the praise band or praise team, make way for the drum cage.  Do not pass go.  Do not collect $200.  The drum cage is made out of material that could withstand anything.  Anything.  You're safe.  You're probably the only safe ones in the building, maybe even on the whole planet...as long as you can make it to the drum cage before the "chandies" get you.

 

True story.  I mean, why do you think I'm on the praise team, anyway?  It's because I want easy access to the drum cage.

 

Hmm...maybe I should take drum lessons...

 

The most vulnerable person in the church?  The organist, of course.  While he/she is playing "Phantom," he/she is likely to be chandeliered to death.  Think I'm wrong?  How many church organists do you know?  I rest my case.

 

 

Well, there you have it, the Chandelier Apocolypse Survival plan.  I sincerely hope you will ever need it, but let's face it.  It's only a matter of time before those chandelier chains snap.  And when they snap, be ready. 

 

The "chandies" have no mercy.