SAA Ep. #56: Airing of Christmas Grievances

Wow, so I'm a poopy head (sorry, I work with kids) for not blogging as much as usual.  My schedule is insane what with Thanksgiving and Christmas and all of that.  To be honest, with everything going on, I really haven't had much time to have awkward moments about which to blog.  Instead of having adventures, I've been plopped down on the couch watching seasons of Psych from Netflix, whilst knitting fuzzy scarves.  And unless I unknowingly cater to an audience that considers adventures in knitting to be exciting, I really don't think that would be good blogging material.

So yeah.  Christmas is coming, and if you know me, I love Christmas.  I love just about everything about Christmas.  I love Christmas music.  I love Christmas lights.  I love Christmas movies.  I love Christmas food.  I love the crazy people that shop at Christmas time.  I love it all. 

And if you're one of those people who thinks that it's too soon for a Christmas blog, let me tell you that I've been impatiently waiting for months.  Months, I tell you.  If I had my way, people would start putting up lights and listening to Christmas music in September.  They wouldn't take down the lights or stop listening to Christmas music until March.  And every summer, there would be a solid month of Christmas in July celebrations.  What?  You say that Christmas in July would interfere with the Fourth of July?  Why can't we have a combination Christmas/Fourth of July parade?  Why can't we have Christmas in July fireworks?  "Yankee Doodle Dandy" isn't nearly as awesome as "Joy to the World."  But yeah, I guess the rest of the world doesn't love Christmas as much as I do.

So I wait.  I wait until the rest of the world says it's okay to celebrate Christmas.  I don't care if you think this Christmas blog is early; it's after Thanksgiving, so it's considered acceptable.  I've waited long enough, and nobody's gonna tell me I can't celebrate CHRISTMAS as much as I want to!

But even an amazing season like Christmas has a few problems.  I don't like the cold, but you know, I don't mind it at Christmastime.  It's the months of winter that follow Christmas that make me want to crawl into a hole and hibernate until spring. 

So is there anything that I really just don't like about Christmas?  Yes.  Yes, there are actually two things I don't like about Christmas, and they're related.  One of them isn't so bad if it's done well, but the other one just makes me mad.

The first grievance I have about Christmas are those silly "White Elephant Dirty SantaYankee Swap" games.  If you have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm talking about that game where everyone brings a wrapped gift to a party and everyone draws a number.  Then the person with the first number chooses a gift and unwraps it.  The person with the next number gets to either unwrap another gift or steal the gift from the person whose already opened one.  Then the person who had their gift stolen has to open another gift (or steal from another player).  And people go around unwrapping gifts and stealing them from one another until the last gift is unwrapped. 

Some people find this game a lot of fun, but I just think it's annoying.  I think the point of the game is to have fun, but I don't think it's fun to steal.  I also don't think it's fun to have things stolen from me.  I've done these games several times, and I've seldom enjoyed them.  There are a few exceptions--like the time I had the last number, so I just went ahead and opened the last present so the blasted game could be over--and I ended up with this:

...a blue disembodied hand...just what I always wanted...

And I have to say that I actually had a lot of fun playing this game at my preschool teachers' Christmas party last year.  I think the reason that I liked it so much was because everyone knew what they were bringing (and what they were getting).  Last year, everyone was supposed to bring a coffee mug, so no matter what, you knew you were also going home with a coffee mug.  Except one person misunderstood and brought a pair of aloe-infused socks.  You'd better believe everyone tried to steal those!  This year, everyone is actually supposed to bring socks, but I'm sure at least one person will be going home with a coffee mug.

I'd like to say that having everyone bring the same gift to a "White Elephant" exchange is a really great idea, but I remember one time when the English honor society at my college (Sigma Tau Delta--STD!  It's Contagious!) had a Christmas party and everyone was supposed to bring a book.  I brought a classic--Hunchback of Notre Dame.  And then I got my hands on a wonderful book of Emily Dickinson poetry.  Well, when the game was over, someone shouted, "Now everyone can steal whatever they want!" (which is so NOT an official rule--in fact, it's cheating!), and one of the professors stole my Emily Dickinson poetry book and left me with one of those books that gives you Bible verses for specific subject matters that you can buy in dollar stores.  So, yeah, totally bad experience with the book thing.  So, I guess what I'm saying is, "White Elephant" gift exchanges work great as long as everyone brings the same thing, and as long as people play by the rules, and as long as one of the people playing isn't a jerky professor who steals my Emily Dickinson poetry book (go buy your own copy with your teacher's discount and leave me alone!!!).

Now, the other thing I hate about Christmas is that atrocity known as "Secret Santa" (or "Secret Sisters" or whatever). *Shudder*  I guess some people get a kick out of these things, but they actually make me pretty cranky.  I always figure out whose giving me gifts, and the person I'm giving gifts to always figures out it's me.  So by the end of it, we're all just telling each other, "Hey, *wink wink hint hint* why don't you get me one of those, 'Secret' Santa."  And even if I don't figure out who my person is, I still don't really enjoy it.  We get a list of things that our person likes and doesn't like, but it's not a whole lot to go on, especially when there's a set price limit.  So I always feel guilty when I have to get lame stuff for my person.  And then there's always the people who go WAY overboard and over budget on their gifts.  And so, someone always leaves with a huge stash of awesome stuff, making everyone else say, "I wish I had HER Secret Santa.  All my lame Secret Santa got me was a pair of aloe-infused socks."

But you know, I guess that's okay, because you can always bring the socks to the next "White Elephant" game.

Social Awkwardness 101

It's the 101st Socially Awkward Adventure!  To celebrate, I'mma post 101 ways to create, inspire, and spread awkwardness. Oh, joy!


1. Send yourself flowers and sign your coworker's name to the card.  Loudly thank your coworker, making a huge production out of it.

2. When someone speaks over the loudspeaker at the grocery store, fall down, cover your ears and scream, "NOT THE VOICES AGAIN!!!"

3. Walk up to a stranger, sniff his shoulder, turn, and walk away.

4. Laugh.  Maniacally.  For no apparent reason.

5. Put cilantro in everything.  Everything.
6. Tell someone you want to tell them a knock knock joke.  Then ask them to start it.

7. While in public, loudly sing the incorrect lyrics to Elton John songs (ie. "hold me closer, Tony Danza" or "She's got electric boobs!  Her mom does, too!  You know I read about Charlie Sheen!").

8. Stare at people.

9. Smile at people.

10. Stare and smile at people.

11. Ask your blind date if s/he's ever let anyone else pick his/her nose.

12. Do this (it helps if you're a girl).
13. Eat onions and go breathe on people.  Tell them they have bad breath.

14. Talk on the "banana phone" in public. 
15. Ask for something in a different accent every time your waiter asks if he/she can get you anything.

16. Use the phrase "That's what she said!" when it makes no sense to use it.  (i.e. "I went to the grocery last night."  "THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!")

17. Wait till you're on an elevator with a complete stranger, then press the emergency stop button.  After the elevator comes to a complete stop, inform the stranger that you are currently wearing new socks.

18. Go to donate blood dressed as Count Dracula.

19. Give names to all of your potato chips and befriend them.  Take them with you to while picnicking in a public park.  Loudly cry and mournfully call out their names as you eat them, also sporadically saying, "Oh, no! Not you, Christy!  Why?  Why couldn't I eat just one?" and "I'm sorry, Barry!  Once I pop, I just can't stop."

20. Wear all your clothes backwards.  Also walk backwards.  If you run into someone, politely suggest that they watch where they're going.

21. Pretend a person you've never seen before is actually an old friend you haven't seen in months.  If the person asks who you are, pretend to be offended and storm off.

22. Invite people to a surprise party for yourself, reminding them not to tell you about it.

23. Roll your windows down and blast dorky music while waiting at stoplights.

24. Apologize profusely when you run into inanimate objects.

25. Call someone by the wrong name.  Argue heatedly with him/her when s/he tries to correct you.

26. Hum in a high pitched voice while pretending to watch a fly buzz around the room. 

27. In the full view of several people (preferably strangers), go into the corner of a room, peek inside your manbag and loudly whisper "Hey, are you okay in there?  Got enough air?"

28. Carry a manbag.

29. Go to one of those parties where people try to get you to buy overpriced junk, and freely admit, out loud, that you're only there for the food and possible freebies.

30. Tell everyone you know about your ribbon collection.

31. Dig a pit in your front yard, cover yourself with leaves, and jump out at people.
32. Write songs about your love for bacon that inadvertently sound Anti-Semitic.  Also inadvertently sing them in front of Jewish people.

33. Develop a borderline creepy fascination with the number four.

34. When meeting someone for the first time, sneeze and cough "wetly" into your hand.  Then immediately offer it to the other person for a friendly handshake.

35. Use imaginary words (be sure to have an imaginary definition ready for your imaginary word, just in case someone asks).

36. Go to Taco Bell and ask for a Big Mac.

37. Post an embarrassing status on Facebook over, and over, and over.  Sometimes, Facebook is kind enough to do this for you without any effort on your part.  (Insert sarcastic smile here!)

38. Stare at someone's ear while having a conversation with them.  Refuse to break ear-contact even if the other person starts getting seriously weirded out...and they WILL get weirded out.

39. Be a happily single woman in her thirties.

40. Recite Justin Beiber lyrics as if they were lines in some great classical play. (Baby.  Baby.  Baby. NOOOO!)  I'm telling you, that lyrical brilliance reads just like Shakespeare.... (not hatin', just sayin')

41. Ask people if they'd like to buy your invisible pickle.

42. When your friends have a roadkill deer in their yard, write a song about it.

43. Tell your new roommate at a conservative Southern Baptist Seminary that Joel Osteen is your favorite author. 

44. Go to a thrift store just to hear the crazy people talk to themselves.

45. Go trick-or-treating.  On the fourth of July.

46. Be entirely too passionate about your right to wear flip flops.

47. When your dryer buzzes at the laundromat, crack the door open, peek inside, and say, "Hey grandma, give me another quarter if you want to ride again."

48. Use a door (note: only awkward in situations involving other people, unless you happen to be particularly "gifted").

49. Write a blog about 101 socially awkward things and run out of things to write about at #49.  Yeah.  That was awkward...

SAA Ep.# 55: My First 10K

I ran my first 10K on Saturday, and well, there's really nothing funny about running a 10K...

...unless you're socially awkward like I am...

...and you lose your race number almost as soon as you got it...

...and you spill bright red Gatorade Prime all over your gray cotton athletic capris, right before the race...

...and you're wearing a misshapen headband that you knitted the night before and ran out of colored yarn and tried to fix it by combining that with black yarn and failed failed failed...

...and if you were one of the last "runners" to finish a six mile race, and acted as if you'd just won a marathon.

Yeah, maybe I should just stop typing and let you see this:

 

 

I'm awesome.  If by awesome you mean, "a big dork." 

But...that's why you love me, right?

(Hey, at least I'd beat the zombies!)

SAA Ep. #54: I Get Around

Sorry for the extended absence.  I've been busy.  First I was packing for a brief vacation (while simultaneously trying to make a birthday video for my nephew and watching the Cards compete in the World's Series), then I was on said brief vacation, and now I'm recovering from the brief vacation.  I was out of town about 3.5 days, and about 20 hours of that was driving a rental car up to KY and back.  And another 8 or so hours of that was riding as a passenger in my mom's car, but I digress.

Let's go back to that 20 hours of driving a rental car thing, because that's pretty much what this post is about.  I'm 31 years old, but until recently, I've never actually rented a car.  The only reason I did this time is because my car is dying, and I owe more on it than the car is actually worth (fun, fun!), so getting a new car isn't really an option at the moment.  Then the amazing family I nanny for decided I needed a present for being their nanny/babysitter for 3 years, and they decided to pay for a rental car for my trip to KY.  So I rented a car.

Now, the cheapest deal for renting a car around here was to rent one from the airport, and honestly, I'm not too sure that I'm supposed to rent a car from the airport unless I'm actually flying into the airport.  So when I reserved the car, I had all this nervousness aside from the usual nervousness I feel when I try anything new--like renting a car.  I was also nervous because I was renting a car when I wasn't sure I was supposed to be renting a car, but I figured I'd abide by my own version of the "don't ask, don't tell" policy.  If they didn't ask me if I was flying in from another area, I wouldn't tell them that I wasn't.

My friend dropped me off at the airport and walked in with me (because I needed someone to hold my hand--I really don't do new experiences well).  Everything went smoothly.  I bid farewell to her, got in the car, and drove up to the gate to depart the rental car area. 

Now, let me just say that driving a car that's not mine is like wearing someone else's clothes--only even more dangerous.  This car only had about 1100 miles on it, so when I did something like step on the accelerator, it actually went vroom without a fight.  When I stepped on the brakes, the car immediately stopped without any coaxing.  This is what a car is supposed to do, but my poor old dying car needs prodding.  It needs a firm hand.  I actually kind of like this about my car.  I know it's not going to do something that I haven't specifically told it to do.  And this new car I was driving, well, it responded way too quickly for my comfort. And I didn't opt for the optional insurance (everyone says that's a rip-off...which I guess it is, unless you get into an accident).  So I was a nervous wreck the whole time I was driving it, which was, as I said before, about 20 hours.

But before I ever got out of the gate, I had a problem.  I couldn't figure out how to roll the windows down.  So when the guy at the gate wanted to look at my receipt, I had to pull the "helpless blonde" routine, and the nice man showed me how to roll down my windows.  I was pushing the button the wrong direction, okay.  It could have happened to anyone. 

But after the nice man taught me how to push a button, he asked me a question.  "Where are you coming from?"

Ugh.  I didn't want to admit that I was from the same city as the airport, so I said, "Around."

He said, "Everyone has to come from somewhere."

I said, "I'm from Kentucky," which wasn't a lie.  I am from KY.  That's why I was renting a car so I could drive to KY.  He just didn't need to know that specific detail. 

I got out of the airport and was on my way.  It occurred to me a couple hours into my trip that I was going to double the mileage on the rental car.  As I had unlimited mileage use for the car, I wasn't too worried (don't, ask, don't tell), but it just struck me as funny.  I had never driven a car this new, and that made me even more nervous, but eventually I got the feel for the car. 

And I drove that thing to KY and back without hurting it at all.  I didn't have a wreck.  I didn't run it off the road.  I didn't get a scratch on it.  And I was breathing a huge sigh of relief as I pulled into a gas station about 2 miles from the airport so I could refill the tank.  It was then that I opened the car door directly into a concrete pole.

D'oh.

Fortunately, the story does have a happy ending.  The car was undamaged.  I turned it in.  No one said a word about the fact that I'd doubled the mileage on the car. 

And now I can add "car rental" to my list of  life experiences. 

Woo hoo! Dream big!