I tried cussing once.
I didn’t like it.
It was back when I was in middle school and had this crazy middle school notion that cool people cussed. I’m not sure why I thought that, but I did. So, in my ever-failing quest to become cool, I tried my hand at cussing (shocking, I know!). Now, I wasn’t going around dropping F-bombs in seventh grade or anything, but I tried using some of the milder ones.
The thing is, I never really got the hang of it. I’d been taught that cussing was wrong (If my parents had known, they would have freaked! Oh, no! My mom reads this blog. Wait! I’m a grown up now. It’s too late to wash my mouth out with soap now, Mom—besides, I’ve heard it causes soap poisoning and permanent blindness). I knew it was wrong. So whenever I tried cussing, all my upbringing and conscience would kick in, subconsciously holding back whatever particular profanity I was trying to utter. An epic battle occurred, in which I forced my tongue kicking and screaming to stutter out a naughty word.
It was exhausting.
After a short time, I realized I didn’t sound cool. I sounded ridiculous. So did the other people who cussed all the time. And what was so cool about having to constantly look over your shoulder to make sure a teacher wouldn’t overhear you cuss? Yeah. After only about two weeks of forced profanity, I decided cussing was stupid. It is an opinion I still hold today.
So I haven’t really cussed at all since seventh grade, and recently I’ve been trying to reduce the amount of “fake profanity” from my vocabulary. There are some people who take offense to the words “crap,” “sucks,” and “freakin’.” I don’t like offending people, not even with seemingly harmless fake profanity. While I do sometimes slip up and say these words, I’ve found that I don’t utter them as often as I used to.
But it seems I still need some sort of verbal release when something unfortunate, surprising, or bothersome happens. Since I’ve stopped using my go-to fake bad words, I’ve started uttering some pretty silly things.
I dropped something, and the fake bad word that came to my lips? “Snapdragon!”
I got a splinter in my finger. “Snot rag!”
I bit my tongue. “Door bell!”
I spilled some tea. “Ginger snap!”
I forgot something I was supposed to do. “Ear mite!”
And my favorite? The other day I tripped over something and loudly, fiercely, (in the presence of some coworkers) exclaimed, “SNICKERDOODLE!” After the fact, I looked around at my coworkers and said, “Did I just say ‘Snickerdoodle’?” They nodded. They smiled.
They nodded and smiled.
I should audition for an Orbit commercial:
SHUT THE FRONT DOOR!
Sometimes the kids at work will come up to me and tattle on each other. That’s not my favorite game, but sometimes I let them play it. Sometimes a kid will come up to me and say, “Joe just said the S WORD!”
When this happens, it’s always important to take the child seriously. It’s also important to figure out exactly what was said. I ask the child to whisper the “S Word” in my ear so I know what was said. 4.8 times out of 10, the “S Word” is “stupid.” 4.8 times out of 10, the “S Word” is “shut up.” 0.1999999999999999 times out of 10, the “S Word” is “silly” “sissy” or something like that. Only about 0.01 times out of 10 is the “S Word” the ACTUAL “S Word.”
And by the actual “S Word,” I, of course mean…
SN!@#*RDOODLE!
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