How has a gorgeous, talented, and smart (not to mention, humble) young woman like Ruth remained single for all these years?
Hmmm....that's a mystery...
Ah, Ruth has remained single because she has learned the secrets--
The secrets to staying single!
She's going to share these secrets with you...in TEN EASY STEPS!
STEP ONE: Work as much as humanly possible.
Working three or more jobs makes it nearly impossible to have a social or dating life. If you find that you're working all the time and STILL have time for dating, try writing a novel. That will take away every last iota of your free time, making it impossible for you to find time for dating. For added singleness insurance, try working with kids. That way, you get that haggard, unattractive "my kids are driving me crazy" look without actually being a parent.
STEP TWO: Wear a ring that looks suspiciously like a wedding band near (or even on) your left ring finger.
Whether it's a "Purity Ring" or just some weird LOTR obsession, wearing a wedding-band-ish ring will confuse people enough to virtually guarantee your continual singleness. Also, biting your nails and having horrendously dry skin probably helps, too. No one wants to hold THAT unmanicured monstrosity!
STEP THREE: Surround yourself with children so that everyone, including single men/women, will assume you're a mommy/daddy.
(I don't have a cutesy pic for this step because I'm NOT a mommy and don't feel comfortable posting any of the MANY pictures I have of me with someone else's kids.)
If you want to appear as unattractive as possible to all eligible suitors, make sure you always have kids with you. If you aren't a child care provider by trade or don't have any kids to borrow, go rent some kids. There are kid rental places now, right?
And always make sure your facebook profile pic is of you and a kid that looks exactly like you.
STEP FOUR: Don't have mad cooking skills.
A lack of mad cooking skills makes you less desirable. 'Nuff said.
STEP FIVE: Have an imaginary boyfriend/girlfriend.
Whether you're the Captain Jack Sparrow type, the Edward Cullen type, or I don't know...whatever fictional female the boys are into these days... having a fictional significant other makes real potential significant others shy away. I mean, most eligible men and women know that they can't compete with the fictional perfection of a fictional person, so they just give up. And you remain single.
STEP SIX: Be a Grammar Nazi!
People will think you're crazy. Crazy people don't get dates as often as sane people, or so I have heard. I wouldn't know. I've never been sane.
STEP EIGHT: Do weird stuff in public for no apparent reason.
While some people actually appreciate weirdness in other people, it's probably not the best way to make a first impression on any single people who might be watching.
STEP NINE: Actually WANT to get married.
In my experience, nothing scares a single guy more than a woman who wants to get married. So just want to get married, and you'll scare away every single guy within a 100 mile radius.
STEP TEN: Be a socially awkward super hero.
Meh. Works for me.
You're so talented! I'll be on the lookout for smart, talented, handsome, Christian, single men who love children and enjoy dragon stories for you, okay :)
ReplyDeleteOoh! Could you see that he also has a Scottish and/or Australian accent and plays guitar? That would be great!
ReplyDeleteOf course, I'll sift through the tons of available men out there until I find one with the appropriate accent!
ReplyDeleteI love you! You are so amazing! God has someone laid out for you. I have to believe there is someone for everyone! Michael has some truck drivers he could hook u up with (they work a lot too!)
ReplyDeleteHa! Actually, I think I already met my Knight in Shining Armor. He just decided he wanted to be a monk (see Step Nine).
ReplyDeleteI love you too, Michelle!