Public Service Announcement: Weight Loss Made Awkward

 I used to be a size sixteen. 

I’m a size six(ish) now. 

Many people have asked me to share my weight loss secrets, but after a long day of working with kids who don’t know how to take turns, I really don’t feel like sharing, either.  But today is your lucky day.  Today is the day that I reveal to the world my plan for weight loss success!

So how exactly does Socially Awkward Girl keep fitting into her super suit?  Do I take a magic diet pill that speeds up my metabolism, with the side effect of making me act super hyper ridiculously crazy?  No—that’s just how I am.  Do I take some other amazing pill that transforms all the fat I eat into happy little butterflies and rainbows?  No—but I might achieve such an effect from taking some other kind of drug.  No, no.  There is no magic pill that makes the fat go away.  There’s only that horrible, nasty, dirtiest of dirty words: Discipline. 

Ugh.  Just typing it makes me want to go wash my mouth out with Alfredo sauce.

Yes, discipline is necessary, but it is not the only weapon in my weight loss secret arsenal.  The following steps are my method, but if you’re trying to lose weight, I strongly encourage you to find something that works for you.  It might be my method.  It might be someone else’s method.  It will more likely be a combination of methods, which you have modified to fit your lifestyle.  Who knows?  It might be eating ice cream and chocolate all day, and if it is, man, I want to be you when I grow up.  The trick to effective weight loss is finding a method that works for you—and sticking to it (there’s where that ugly discipline word comes in).

But here’s my method, my secrets to weight loss (I’ve included a list at the end of this blog of ideas for meals and snacks—because I know you all want to be just like me, right? Left.):

Step 1: Be overweight.

Seriously, if you want to lose weight, you should probably be overweight first.  I mean, it helps to actually have weight to lose before you try to lose it.  If you’re overweight, then congratulations!  You’ve already made it through the first step of my method.  Way to go.  Give yourself a gold star.  But don’t carry the celebrations too far—it’s not like you’ve earned yourself a milkshake.  Unless it’s a Slim Fast.

Step 2: Don’t Have Kids.

As a single person, I really don’t know how a person with a spouse and/or kids would go about losing weight.  I work a lot, but when I’m off, I’m off.  I can pop in a dvd and get on my elliptical for an hour.  I can go out early in the morning or late in the evening and go for a jog.  I don’t have to worry about who’s going to watch my kids while I exercise.  Also, I can fix my own portions of food without worrying about what the rest of my family is going to eat. 

Look, I’m not saying that it’s IMPOSSIBLE to lose weight if you have kids, and in fact, I’ve known some people who have.  I just think it’s probably a lot easier for us single peeps. 

Sorry.

…but, if it’s any consolation, I’m sure your kids love you just the way you are.  Aww. 

Don’t hurt me.

Step 3: Be a Calorie Nazi.

Yeah, people always want to know my weight loss secrest—until I actually tell them what I do.  I’ve not been blessed with an awesome metabolism.  I’m not naturally thin.  I’m not one of those people who can eat whatever I want and still wear the pants I wore in middle school.  Actually, I was pretty hefty in middle school, so maybe…but I’m getting off track.  The only way for a person like me to lose weight is to make sure I’m burning off more calories than I’m eating. The only way for me to do that is for me to keep track of all the calories I eat.  Every single one (except for white tic tacs—everyone knows they don’t count).  A person my weight and height doesn’t burn off that daily recommended allowance of 2000 calories.  I probably burn off (without exercise) about 1500-1600 calories a day.  To maintain weight, I probably shouldn’t eat much more than 1500-1600 a day (depending on how much I exercise).  To lose weight, I need to eat less than 1500 calories a day.  Right now, I’m limiting my calories to about 1100-1200. 

Step 4: Read Labels.

This is part of being a calorie Nazi—making sure I know what I’m eating.  The nutrition facts of a lot of foods can be found somewhere on the food packaging.  It’s not that hard to find out what a serving size is and how many calories are in that serving size.  I invested in a food scale from Target—it was all of $5 and I use it multiple times every day.  This way, I know I’m eating the right portions of food.  If I don’t know how many calories are in something, I look it up online.  Google.  What did we ever do without it? 

Yeah.  It sounds tedious, but it’s almost fun.  I’ve got to figure out what I can eat and how much of it I can eat.  It’s like working a puzzle!  Okay, okay.  I didn’t say it was the most fun activity EVER…calm down.

Step 5: Snack Like It’s Going Out of Style.

Snack.  That’s right.  You heard me.  I said snack.  Snack.  Snack like it’s your job.  Snack.  Snack!  SNACK!!!!!

Snack, dieter, snack like the wind! 

Snack down with your bad self. 

Snack…okay, you get it.

Snack is a funny word, isn’t it?  Snack Snack Snack.  But I love this word, because it means I get to eat.  And in fact, I eat every hour and a half or so.  Some mornings I have to wait a little longer between breakfast and my first snack, but throughout the rest of the day, I’m on a pretty tight snacking schedule.  If I miss a snack, horrible things happen.  So I try not to miss them.  Around 8:30-9, I eat a good breakfast of about 150-200 calories.  I eat a 100ish calorie snack at 11 and another at 12:30.  At 2:00, I eat a late lunch that’s about 150-200 calories.  At 3:30, I eat another 100ish calorie snack and another at 5.  I eat dinner at 6:30, which depending on how good I’ve been that day, can be anywhere from 150-300 calories.  I also get a snack around 7:45, which is also dependent on how good I’ve been during the day.  I try to sneak in a little dessert in that last snack.  I love to eat at night, so this gives me an opportunity, as long as I’m done eating all calories by 8 p.m.  My metabolism hates me, so if I eat after 8, I turn into a gremlin my body won’t have time to process the food I ate before I go to sleep. 

I’ve read into the reasoning why snacking is a good idea.  Apparently the food scientist people who are way smarter than I am did some research, and they found out that humans were meant to be grazers.  Like cows.  Moo. 

Yeah, apparently our metabolisms aren’t geared to process three ginormous meals.  The less frequently we eat, the more frequently our metabolism kicks into starvation mode and tries to store fat.  The solution is to eat small snacks throughout the day, instead of putting all our calories into big meals. 

So snack, friends!  Snack away!

Step 6: Remember the Food Pyramid, Plate, Whatever….

When I choose my snacks throughout the day (as well as my meals), I’m not just looking at calories.  I’m making sure I’m getting a healthy balance of fruits and veggies and proteins.  To be honest, I’m not really sure what the recommended daily amount of servings of fruits and veggies is, but I know most people aren’t getting it.  I usually get at least five servings a day (usually more)—which, incidentally, isn’t hard to do when you snack a lot and choose good snacks.

Protein is also pretty important.  Your body needs it, and it also helps you feel fuller.  Whenever I’m looking at labels (see Step 4), my eyes immediately go to calories first, and protein second.  I’m looking to see how much protein there is in comparison to the amount of calories. 

I really am peeved at foods that are packaged as healthy, when they’re really not.  The regular Special K bars are low in calories, but they don’t have much nutrition.  Another culprit is those 100 calorie packs.  Most of them have next to no nutrition.  Just because it’s low calorie doesn’t mean it’s healthy.  But, if you just want something sweet/salty, the 100 calorie packs are convenient and yummy.  I’m just sayin’ that you can eat a single cookie (depending on the cookie) for less than 100 calories, if you really need a fix—and real cookies are usually tastier than the 100 calorie packs.

Step 7: BEWARE THE LOW BLOOD SUGAR MONSTER!!!!

Learn from my fail, peeps, learn from my fail.  If your body is telling you that you need more calories, then eat more calories.  Don’t think you can just muscle your way through it.  If you’re light-headed, if you’re getting “the shakes,” if you’re just being unreasonably cranky and your stomach is shouting “FEED ME SEYMOUR!”…then for Pete’s Dragon’s sake, stop being a moron and EAT SOMETHING.

I’ve learned it’s wise to always have some not-easily-crushable snacks in my purse/bag/car, just in case I don’t have any of my normal food with me and the Low Blood Sugar Monster decides to attack.  (See Appendix…yes…this blog post has an Appendix.  It had a Tonsil once, but I had it removed)

Step 8: Embrace the Truvia!  Embrace it!

Let me take a moment to tell you about how much I love Truvia.  No, they’re not paying me to say this, but they totally should, because I would advertise for them ALL the time.  I’d even wear t-shirts with the Truvia logo, and little Truvia packets for earrings, and I’d wear shoes made out of recycled Truvia boxes.  Hmm...I hope Truvia doesn’t take out a restraining order against me….

Yeah, so if you hadn’t realized it, I love Truvia.  It’s changed my life.  It’s an all natural, no calorie sweetener, which is awesome, because along with being a Calorie Nazi, I’ve also decided to cut out all artificial sweeteners.  Yay me.  Truvia is my new BFF.  It’s made from Stevia, a plant—a sweet tasting no calorie plant of awesomeness—and erythritol, a natural derivative from fruit.  I love Truvia because I can use it without feeling guilty.  I can have sweet tea again!  Oh, sweet tea, how I missed you….

One day, I’m afraid that some health report is going to come out, saying that eating too much Stevia is unhealthy and causes invisibility and/or the tendency to vomit leprechauns…but until then, I’m going to have wild, wild Truvia tea parties, and no one can stop me!

Step 9: Eat Chocolate.

Some dude wrote an article about Stevia (see above) and sweet food cravings.  I couldn’t find a by line, but I know the author of the article was a dude.  I know this because the dude wrote that if a one had enough fresh fruit in a day, then one would never have cravings for chocolate or other sweets. 

A woman would never say that.  The author was definitely a dude.

I’m sorry, but if I was on a diet where I couldn’t eat chocolate, then I’d punch that diet in the face and go eat a carton of ice cream.  If God didn’t want us to enjoy eating, then He wouldn’t have created taste buds.  While a wide variety of foods are enjoyable, there’s nothing wrong with indulging the sweet tooth.  And I mean every day.

The trick to this is to just have a little bit…and to enjoy every bite!  If you want ice cream, eat a half cup of ice cream.  If you want a cookie, eat a cookie.  If you want chocolate, have a piece of chocolate.  If you want a marshmallow, eat a marshmallow—one of my favorite things to do is to toast marshmallows over candles.  It takes several minutes to toast the marshmallow, so I’m not rushing through the experience.  And when I eat chocolate, I’m eating a little bite at a time, savoring it.  So when I’ve eaten my small portion, I don’t feel cheated.  I feel treated.  And I have a great gift for rhyme.  Some of the time.

Step 10: Run, Fatgirl, Run! Or Whatever…

I became a runner by accident.  Last year, one of my bosses told me about a 5K that she was sponsoring.  And because she was sponsoring, I got free registration in the 5K.  I figured, why not?  I hate running, but why not?  I’ve always just stuck with speed walking, but why not?  I look like a limping duck when I try to run, but why not?  Well, the ‘why not’ was because I almost died after running just a half mile.  But for some reason, I stuck with it, and a few weeks later, I was running five miles.  And I liked it.  I became a sicko, a running sicko.  The other day I found out I was getting out of work early, and my first thought?  “YAY!  Now I have time to go running before it gets too dark.”  I’m a sicko, I tell you.

You might not be a running sicko, and that’s okay.  You don’t have to be a running sicko to get exercise.  Do Zoomba (did I even spell that right?).  Do Pilates (not Pontius Pilate…the other type).  Do underwater aerobics.  Do speed walking, if that’s what it takes.  Just find some time to move around more, because honestly the only way to lose weight is to eat less and move around more. 

And I just had the sudden and unpleasant realization that I could have saved you all that reading you just did by saying:

The secret to my weight loss is eating less and moving around more.

The End.

Sorry.

Appendix (Because This Blog Isn’t Long Enough Already):

Breakfast Ideas:

-Quaker Soft Baked Bars: 140 calories. 6 grams of protein.  I would cry if they stopped making these.  I thought they had for a little while, and I almost caused a scene in the grocery store.  They just changed their name.  They used to be called Quaker Life Bars.  For some reason the Quaker company likes to make their consumers almost cause scenes in grocery stores, for they have changed the packaging and/or name of this product three times in the past two years.  But I have forgiven them because their product is freakin’ amazing.  They come in two mindblowing flavors (seriously, my mind is blown every time I eat one): Cinnamon Roll and Banana Nut Bread.  They taste like dessert, but they have lots of vitamins and stuff.  And they’re relatively cheap at under $2.20 for a box of five (at Walmart).  I love them.

-1/2 Peanut Butter and Honey or Jelly Sammich: 150 calories (if made on 50 calorie bread and 180 calorie peanut butter —read labels!)…and just a small dollop of honey or jelly.  I use Walmart brand peanut butter because it’s cheaper and because it has less calories than the other brands.  True story.  For bread, I either use Nature’s Own Whole Wheat (not honey wheat) or the Great Value Walmart Whole Wheat.  Both breads have 50 calories a slice.  There is bread out there with 40 calories a slice, but it’s not whole wheat, and I’m afraid of it.  For jelly, I usually use the Smucker’s low sugar—it only has 25 calories per tablespoon.

-Light Omelet: 140 calories. I use All Whites brand liquid eggs—which is basically just egg whites.  Two servings of that with a ¼ cup 2% shredded cheese is amazing.  I also add a little cilantro, because I have an herb habit.

-Special K and Skim Milk: 150 calories.  I like the kind with the crunchy strawberries.

Lunch Ideas:

-Quaker Soft Baked Bar (see above)

-½ Peanut Butter and Honey or Jelly Sammich (see above)

-Spaghetti Squash: 90 calories for 6 oz of squash.  I love spaghetti squash.  It’s nature’s answer for pasta lovers who can’t have pasta very often.  The squash, when cooked properly, comes off the shell in the form of little noodles.  Of course, it’s no fun to eat the squash without sauce.  I either use spaghetti sauce (Classico’s Ripe Olive and Mushroom is 60 calories per ½ cup), Alfredo Sauce (Market Pantry aka Target Brand Alfredo Sauce is 60 calories per ¼ cup), or Peanut Sauce (Archer Farms aka high class Target Brand Peanut Sauce is 60 calories per 2 tablespoons) w/ a little lemon juice and cilantro for fake pad thai. 

-Turkey Sammich: 140 calories.  Two slices of 50 calorie bread=100 cals.  Two slices of 20 calorie turkey= 40 cals.  Mustard = nada.  Yay Sammich!

Dinner Ideas:

(pair the meats with a serving or two of fresh/frozen veggies) 

-Turkey Burger: 160 calories

-Grilled Chicken: 110 calories

-Tilapia: 100 calories

-Spaghetti Squash w/ sauce: 150 calories

-Progresso Light New England Clam Chowder: About 210 calories per can (2ish servings in can—but who ever eats just one serving of soup??)

-Progresso Light Santa Fe Style Chicken: About 180 calories per can (see above)

-Smart Taste Pasta: 170 for 2 oz. pasta plus 60 more calories for sauce= 230 calories

-Peanut Butter and Honey/Jelly Sammich: 300 calories

Snack Ideas:

--Apple: 70-100 calories.

--Banana: 100-120 calories.

--Carrots: 35 calories per 3 oz.

--Apple Sauce (unsweetened): 50 calories per ½ cup

--Low Sodium V8: 50 calories per 8 oz. (contains 2 servings of veggies!)

--Goldfish crackers (I like the colors b/c the purple ones taste better—true story!  The natural dye is watermelon and beet juice, and it makes the flavor different and yummy): 100 calories for 40 crackers.

--Cucumbers: 15 calories for 100 grams.

--Frozen Peaches: 50 calories for 140 grams.

--Frozen Strawberries: 40 calories for 140 grams.

--I like to mix half a serving of peaches and half a serving of strawberries in a ziplock baggie and leave them in the fridge overnight.  When I’m ready to eat them the next morning, I sprinkle a packet of Truvia over them and eat them right out of the bag.  Soooo good.

--Another word about ziplock baggies.  They are our friends.  When I get veggies, I sometimes have to cut them up.  I used to dread cutting them every single night, but I quickly learned I can set aside one night a week to do all my veggie chopping.  I measure out individual servings (or a couple of servings) into ziplock baggies.  Then I can grab them and go as needed. 

Ideas for Good Protein Snacks:

-Frigo Cheese Heads Light String Cheese: 60 calories, 8 grams of protein

-Egg Whites: 30 calories, 5 grams of protein

-Harris Teeter Naturals Yogurt (I love this because it’s low in calories and still has NO artificial sweeteners) : The Strawberry, Peach, and French Vanilla all have 100 calories and 7 grams of protein.  The Cherry Vanilla and Raspberry Flavors have 130 calories (still not bad) and 7 grams of protein.

-Yoplait Greek Yogurt Cherry Pomegranate Flavor or Coconut: 110 calories for 4 oz. cup, 8 grams protein

-Plain Greek Yogurt makes an excellent veggie dip.  I’ve tried different brands, but most of them are high in protein and low in calorie—especially if you’re just using a tablespoon or so.  Check the labels, because some has less protein than others.

Ideas for Not-Easily-Crushable Emergency Snacks To Ward off Low Blood Sugar Monster:

-100 Calorie Pack Emerald Nuts Almonds

-Archer Farms Organic Fruit Strips- 45 calories

-Quaker Granola Bars - 90 calories for the yummy mint chip cocoa ones

Ideas for Dessert:

-Girl Scout Thin Mints: 80 calories for 2

-Girl Scout Caramel Delights (Samoas): 70 calories each

-Girl Scout Thanks-a-Lot: 75 calories each (taste SO good dunked in decaf coffee)

-Girl Scout Lemonades: 75 calories each

-Marshmallows: 45 calories for 2

-Ice Cream: Lowe’s Foods (if you live where these exist) brand has 90 calorie light ice cream.

-Whoppers: about 11 calories a piece

If you read all of this, wow...you must either be really desperate to lose weight, or you love me a whole lot, or you just really have a lot of time on your hands....  Thanks.