SAA Episode 9: Door Issues

Anyone who knows me well at all will be able to tell you that I have Door Issues. Like most socially awkward encounters, the whole socially awkward thing can be completely avoided if I am the only one using a door. I mean, there's no one to be socially awkward with if I'm the only one there. Sometimes I'm socially awkward with myself, but that's because I'm a writer and probably have multiple personalities, but these situations seldom rise when I'm using doors. ANYWAY, the door isn't about to start speaking to me, and if it does, I'm going to have even MORE Door Issues. So if I'm the only one using the door, there's pretty much only one way to use it. I have to open it myself and walk through it. Now wasn't that easy?

The problem arises when there is another person or other people utilizing the same door. I think someone needs to write a Door Utilization Rule Book. I think that person might have to end up being me. Because I'd like to know the proper procedure for using a door in a variety of social situations.

I live in the south now(and am from the semi-south state of Kentucky--it's not really "The South" but that's a whole other story). Most guys down here consider it their manly duty to never let a lady touch a door handle. I'm not a feminist, but really, this is one of the major causes of my door-related anxiety. I don't MIND if a guy opens a door for me. That's really nice for him to do that (Although I have to say that it's also nice when another lady opens a door for me. I think it's odd that it's considered "chivalry" for a man to open a door and only "common courtesy" for a woman to open a door--just throwing that out there. Men have plenty of opportunities to be chivalric these days (like when they change my car's tire for me or buy me a milkshake when I'm feeling blue)...I'm just not sure that rescuing a damsel in distress from a door handle really counts as chivalry.)

What I mind is when I'm clearly going to reach the door first and the guy decides to race me for it. What am I supposed to do then? Am I supposed to slow down or stop until he gets to the door first? Am I supposed to pretend to race him for the door so he can get an ego boost when he beats me? I must say, even though it's slightly awkward, I appreciate it more when a guy does race me for the door.

What's even worse is when I realize that I'm going to get to the door at the same as a guy, and he makes no indication of what he wants to do. Is he going to open the door for me? Am I supposed to wait? Am I supposed to just grab the door and walk through it and catch it so he doesn't get it slammed in his face? I don't know what the proper procedure for this is. Because either way, I stand a chance of offending the guy using the door. If I open the door before he gets to it and he was planning on opening it for me, then I've insulted him by not letting him hold the door for me (some guys take this door thing WAY too seriously--but I'm one to talk). If I wait for him to open the door and he wasn't planning on opening it for me, then he might be offended, too--"What do I look like, an automatic door opener?" Now, I've never had anyone say something like that to me, but there's a first time for everything.

And how long am I supposed to wait holding the door if there is someone behind me? When someone is five feet away from me? Ten? Twenty? Is it acceptable for me to hold a door for a man if I get to it first? If not, then why not? Is it acceptable for me to hold a door for a man who is carrying a heavy load or walking on crutches? If not, then why not?

Honestly, the noblest guys I know are the ones who just don't make a big deal out of the "door issue." If we're walking together or meet at the door, they usually do open it and I walk through and thank them. And if I happen to get to the door first, I catch it for them until they can get it, and they thank me. Those are door situations under the best possible conditions.

But in 30 years of living, I've experienced many door situations that were not under good conditions. I've been yelled at--yes yelled at--for holding doors for guys. I've had doors slammed in my face and I've run into people because of "door usage confusion." Seriously...I need to write a Door Utilization Rule Book.

Would you buy it?