SAA Ep. #43: Chivalry Fails

Sometimes I feel really bad for guys--especially in the South.  I mean, up North in Yankeeville (and in border states like KY, where I am from originally), guys aren't always expected to hold open doors or show courtesy to women-folk.  But down here where I live, it's generally expected for guys to show a certain amount of courtesy to females.  This includes opening doors and stepping aside to let them pass.  Some guys like to call this chivalry, and I'm learning to just go ahead and let them.  I mean, if you want to get technical, that whole Courtly Love thing and Chivalric code has little to do with guys opening doors for girls, but that's what people mean today when they say chivalry.  They mean guys opening doors for girls (and guys just generally being polite to girls).  Never you mind that if a girl opened a door for another girl, it would just be called common courtesy and not "chivalry."  Never you mind that a door isn't a Dragon, and by opening it a guy is not slaying it.  But I digress....  I have door issues.

But I feel bad for guys because sometimes they just really don't know what to do.  Even where I live, in the South, there are a lot of transplanted Yankees (yes, we call them that...sometimes...while we're running around barefoot chewing on grass and playing washboards in our jug bands).  So a poor guy might try to be nice and open a door for a female, as is usually expected, and in return for his kindness, he might get a lecture. 

I'm not a feminist.  I don't have a problem with a guy holding a door for me, as long as he's not all smug about it.  Because, as I mentioned before, a guy holding a door for me is polite, but it's not comparable to him slaying a Dragon.  If he expects more congratulations than a simple thank you, then he deserves a lecture.

I think I'm feeling sorrier for guys right now because I've had a couple awkward moments lately.  Both were in the grocery store.  Ok, so technically speaking, they were both in Wal-mart, my home away from home.

I was weaving my way through the aisles in our newly renovated Wal-mart.  That's right.  The Wal-mart I used to know backwards and forwards has been drastically changed so that I actually have to THINK when I shop.  I was trying to find the handsoap.  That sounds like an easy task, right?  Yeah, but for no apparent reason, the Wal-mart gods decided the handsoap would be better located on the opposite side of the aisle.  So I had to wander about aimlessly to try and find it. 

When I finally realized where the soap probably was, I tried to turn around.  But my quest was again thwarted.  A man with a large grocery cart blocked the aisle I needed to enter.  He stood there, smiling, and said, "Go ahead."  I tried to explain that I needed right where he was, but he persisted in a gentlemanly fashion, "Please, go ahead.  I'm only going one aisle over.  I don't mind waiting for you."

"Um, I kind of need right where you are," I said, trying not to be rude about it.  But there really wasn't a way to let the guy save face.  He got out of my way, scowling--not at me, I don't think, but at himself.  Some guys take that fake chivalry thing pretty seriously.

The other situation was similar, but much more fun.

I was trying to get something out of the freezer section.  This guy moved over, thinking he was giving me access to what I wanted.  Instead, he blocked the very door I needed.  And he stood there.  Grinning.  Obviously proud of himself for completing what he considered to be a chivalric gesture.

Again, I had to attempt to not be rude when I said, "Um, I kind of need right where you are."

This guy didn't scowl.  Instead, he played it off rather humorously.  "D'oh!  Chivalry fail!" he exclaimed, and jumped out of my way, making a grandiose sweeping gesture with his arms. 

I didn't bother correcting him (allowing me access to the frozen pizza didn't technically count as chivalry) because it was so stinkin' funny.  And for once I actually had something cute to say in reply.  "It's okay.  You still get brownie points for trying." 

And then his girlfriend came and gave me a dirty look and dragged the knight in shining sports jersey and baggy jeans away.

And then a fire-breathing Dragon appeared out of nowhere and went on a rampage down the bread aisle, and I was gallantly  rescued by a handsome prince steering a shimmering grocery cart.  And he swooped me up and carried me to the check out lane, where we purchased our delicious ware and lived happily ever after. 

I might have made that last part up.

SAA Episode 9: Door Issues

Anyone who knows me well at all will be able to tell you that I have Door Issues. Like most socially awkward encounters, the whole socially awkward thing can be completely avoided if I am the only one using a door. I mean, there's no one to be socially awkward with if I'm the only one there. Sometimes I'm socially awkward with myself, but that's because I'm a writer and probably have multiple personalities, but these situations seldom rise when I'm using doors. ANYWAY, the door isn't about to start speaking to me, and if it does, I'm going to have even MORE Door Issues. So if I'm the only one using the door, there's pretty much only one way to use it. I have to open it myself and walk through it. Now wasn't that easy?

The problem arises when there is another person or other people utilizing the same door. I think someone needs to write a Door Utilization Rule Book. I think that person might have to end up being me. Because I'd like to know the proper procedure for using a door in a variety of social situations.

I live in the south now(and am from the semi-south state of Kentucky--it's not really "The South" but that's a whole other story). Most guys down here consider it their manly duty to never let a lady touch a door handle. I'm not a feminist, but really, this is one of the major causes of my door-related anxiety. I don't MIND if a guy opens a door for me. That's really nice for him to do that (Although I have to say that it's also nice when another lady opens a door for me. I think it's odd that it's considered "chivalry" for a man to open a door and only "common courtesy" for a woman to open a door--just throwing that out there. Men have plenty of opportunities to be chivalric these days (like when they change my car's tire for me or buy me a milkshake when I'm feeling blue)...I'm just not sure that rescuing a damsel in distress from a door handle really counts as chivalry.)

What I mind is when I'm clearly going to reach the door first and the guy decides to race me for it. What am I supposed to do then? Am I supposed to slow down or stop until he gets to the door first? Am I supposed to pretend to race him for the door so he can get an ego boost when he beats me? I must say, even though it's slightly awkward, I appreciate it more when a guy does race me for the door.

What's even worse is when I realize that I'm going to get to the door at the same as a guy, and he makes no indication of what he wants to do. Is he going to open the door for me? Am I supposed to wait? Am I supposed to just grab the door and walk through it and catch it so he doesn't get it slammed in his face? I don't know what the proper procedure for this is. Because either way, I stand a chance of offending the guy using the door. If I open the door before he gets to it and he was planning on opening it for me, then I've insulted him by not letting him hold the door for me (some guys take this door thing WAY too seriously--but I'm one to talk). If I wait for him to open the door and he wasn't planning on opening it for me, then he might be offended, too--"What do I look like, an automatic door opener?" Now, I've never had anyone say something like that to me, but there's a first time for everything.

And how long am I supposed to wait holding the door if there is someone behind me? When someone is five feet away from me? Ten? Twenty? Is it acceptable for me to hold a door for a man if I get to it first? If not, then why not? Is it acceptable for me to hold a door for a man who is carrying a heavy load or walking on crutches? If not, then why not?

Honestly, the noblest guys I know are the ones who just don't make a big deal out of the "door issue." If we're walking together or meet at the door, they usually do open it and I walk through and thank them. And if I happen to get to the door first, I catch it for them until they can get it, and they thank me. Those are door situations under the best possible conditions.

But in 30 years of living, I've experienced many door situations that were not under good conditions. I've been yelled at--yes yelled at--for holding doors for guys. I've had doors slammed in my face and I've run into people because of "door usage confusion." Seriously...I need to write a Door Utilization Rule Book.

Would you buy it?