The Socially Awkward ABCs

There’s something I’ve noticed during my time working with children.  Pretty much anyone can write an A-B-C book.  Dr. Suess’ ABCs is the best, in my opinion.  I can recite from "Aunt Annie’s Alligator" to "Five Fluffy Feathers on a Fiffer Feffer Feff."  Yeah.  That man knew how to write an A-B-C book. 

Most of them aren’t that creative.  In fact, most of them are boring.  “A is for Apple.  B is for Bunny.  C is for Cat.”  D is for downright dull.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I should write an A-B-C book.  An A.wkward B.ook of C.haracters, if you will. 

Yeah.  Here goes nothing…

An Awkward Book of Characters:

A is for Awkward, the best way to be,

Even if it causes some slight Anxiety.

Awesome is a word that I really love to say

And Also Aardvark, because it has too many A’s!

B is for Butterfly, though some aren’t very social,

And B is for Bipolar Bear, who sometimes goes postal,

For Bilious, Bungalow, Boorish, and Bree,

And B is for Beaver, which (contrary to popular Belief) isn’t “one who Beaves.”

C is for Cantankerous, it Can’t make up its mind

Whether to sound like sssss in Ceiling, or like Cuh in Climb,

And sometimes it sounds different like in the word Chew.

This is why I prefer kayak to the word Canoe.

D is for Darkness, Depression, Dismal, and Despair.

It also is for Didgeridoo, but that’s neither here nor there.

I often like to talk about the land of Dusseldorf

Because it sounds a lot like the name David Hasselhoff.

E is for an Epic Episode of Embarrassment

Which I Experience a lot because I’m not that Eloquent.

I talk about Erythritol, but nobody really cares.

So I go home and cry and make sugar free Éclairs.

F is for Fail.  I Fail a lot.

I had more to say, but I Failed, and I Forgot.

G is for Gym, Gem, but never Jim.

You’ll have to wait for J to hear about him.

Only, Guess what!  You won’t!  You’re so Gullible!

GYNECOLOGY!  I said that to make you feel uncomfortable.

H is for Handkerchief.  It’s not a kerchief for your Hand.

It’s not Ker, the Hand people tribe chieftain.

I Hear it is for Helping to wipe snot from your nose.

I just call it “snot rag,” which you didn’t want to know.

I is for Idiom, Isosceles, and other cool words

Like Ice and Igloo, but that’s another kind of cool.

Incredulous! Immunity! Igneous! Immense!

Ichthyosaur! I’m so done with this.

J is for Jim; that’s right, I changed my mind.

I said you wouldn’t hear of him, but I lied!

Jim Jumped Jubilantly and Jovially Jeered!

Don’t ask me why.  That guy is Just weird.

K is for Kazoo, which anyone can play.

K is for Kaleidoscope, a colorful display!

K is for Kitten, Koala, Kangaroo,

And K is for a Killer whale that’s going to eat you.

L is for Llama, a word with Lots of L’s!

Okay, so it’s only two…yeah, oh, well.

Look, don’t start with me; L’s a hard Letter.

Let’s just Lumber on and hope M is better.

M is for Marbles, Maybe you have lost some?

There are so Many Marvelous Marbles, and you haven’t got ‘em.

Maniac! Madman! Mayhem! Murder! Machete!

Oh, wait, the one who lost her Marbles was Me.

N is for Neurosis, what happens to be yours?

Are you Narcoleptic, Needle-phobic, Allergic to Norse?

Are you Narcissistic, Non-Committal, None of the above?

No worries.  I think I’m Neurotic enough.

O is for Onomatopoeia, and for animals that use it.

Like pigs that Oink! Owls that hoot! Apes that Ooo-Ooo it.

Ostriches squawk! Ocelots screech! And the Octopus?

Hmm.  I guess it doesn’t make a sound.  Oops.

P is sometimes loud like in Parapet, Politics, Palm,

Sometimes it’s quiet, like in Psoriasis, Pneumonia, Psalm,

It’s a Pretty awkward letter, that starts Psychology,

And there’s nothing more awkward than a Port-a-Potty.

Q is for Queue, that doesn’t look how it sounds,

I blame it on the fact that it has too many vowels.

Quandary is a Q word I like Quite a bit.

But I don’t want to think of any more, so I Quit.

R is for Random! R is also for Ruth!

Whose name Rhymes with Booth and also Tooth!

Couth! Sooth! Youth! Truth! Sleuth!

That guy who did all the cool animated movies in the 1980s and early 1990’s, Don Bluth!

…what just happened here…?

S is for three letters: S. A. D.

It’s an acronym than can mean Several things.

Social Anxiety Disorder, or Seasonal Affectve Depression.

Either way, it’s SAD, and that concludes this Session.

T is for Turtle, hidden There inside its shell.

Maybe its feeling Timid, but who can really Tell?

Maybe its embarrassed because it moves Too slow.

But it won’t come out and Talk to us, so we’ll never know.

U is for Uvula, or “that hangy-downy thing”

That’s inside your mouth; you can see mine when I sing.

It’s an Unusual word to Utter, I hope you Understand,

I call it “that hangy-downy thing” whenever I possibly can.

V is for Vendetta, though I never saw the flick.

Violence and Vengeance kinda make me sick.

Unless it’s Inigo Montoya seeking to avenge his dad….

Or Dr. Lazarus in Galaxy Quest! By Grapthar's Hammer, that dude was rad!

W is for Where’s Waldo?  Doesn’t anybody know?

And Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?

Wait? Why should We search for these Weird peeps?

They probably joined forces and Won’t be seen for Weeks.

X is for Xenophobe.  What?  That’s not what you thought I’d say?

Did you eXpect me to say that X was for something boring like X-ray?

Or perhaps for Xylophone? Yes, that is usually the way.

But X is for Xenophobe.  I don’t like you.  Go away.

Y is for Yellow Submarine, we all live there.

Yes, we’re all breathing compressed Yellow air.

Yaks are Yodeling in Yiddish, Yeah it’s a strange scene.

I wonder what’s in the Yellow air on the Yellow submarine.

Z is for Zinc, take at the first sign of a cold.

Yeah, that’s really lame, but this book is getting old.

So Zip astride your Zebra, or Zag aboard your Zeppelin.

Or just go to ZZZZZZZ. 

We’ve finally reached