SAA Ep. #6: OFF DA HOOK!!!

Sometimes, one of the greatest adventures a socially awkward person can have is to vicariously experience someone else's socially awkward adventure. Today, this happened to me. It was wonderful.

I went to the library, which is usually a pretty low-key adventure. This has not always been the case. Depending on the size and unfamiliarity of the library, I can have TONS of socially awkward and even socially frightening experiences in a library. Those librarians are terrifying. My local library, however, is small and fairly non-scary. Plus, thanks to the wonders of technology, I can have a full library-going experience without ever having to speak to an actual human being. I can reserve the books I want online, then they give me an automated call to let me know the books are ready. I go in, pick them up, use self-check out...badda bing badda boom, I have my books without having to socially interact with anyone. Plus, I get to hear the uber non-soothing sounds of the book checking out machine "SCAN YOUR CARD" BEEP! "PLEASE WAIT" "SCAN FIRST BOOK" BEEP! "PLEASE WAIT" "SCAN NEXT BOOK OR PRESS FINISHED, IF DONE" BEEP "PLEASE WAIT" ahh. It's like a heavenly choir of obnoxious robotic music.

Anyway, today I went in and picked up some books that I'd reserved. I actually had to speak to the lady at the desk because I had a 20 cent fine because their computers said I had turned in a book two days late, when I had actually turned it in two days early. *Shrug* Whatev. After talking to the nice non-scary librarian lady, who didn't even ask me the obvious question "Why in the name of King Arthur are you checking out eight reference books about knights and chivalry?" I almost offered her an answer anyway, but I figured she didn't care. The answer, of course, to "Why in the name of King Arthur am I checking out eight reference books about knights and chivalry?" is "Because I am writing a book."

"Because I'm writing a book" is the answer to about 83.4% of the questions I get asked these days.

"Why are you making a list of potential names for horses?"
--Because I'm writing a book.
"Are you getting enough sleep? Why are you so cranky?"
--Because I'm writing a book.
"Why did you just maliciously giggle for no apparent reason?"
--Because I'm writing a book.
"What's your name?"
--Because I'm writing a book.

You get the idea.

Anyway, after checking out my books and proceeding to leave the library, I came across an interesting scene in the library foyer. All right, so "foyer" is a generous term in this case. My local library is small. Between the outer doors and the actual library is a really small area about ten feet long and four feet wide that contains some free reading material and such. As I walked through the door, I noticed it also contained a trash can and two elderly ladies who were leaning over said trash can, listening. I could hear what they heard. It was a high pitched BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP.

One of the ladies looked at me seriously. "We think there may be a bomb in the trash can."

I leaned closer to the trash can. "It doesn't sound like a bomb," I said (because I'm obviously an expert on what bombs sound like). "It sounds like a telephone is off the hook."

The two ladies exchanged looks of utter horror. "Oh no!" one of the ladies said. "Someone has accidently thrown away their cellular phone!" Seriously, they both seemed more upset about the idea that someone had lost their phone than the idea of someone putting a bomb in the trashcan of a small local library.

I leaned closer to the trashcan. "I don't think the sound is coming from the trash can," I said. I looked up, and on the wall was a telephone. I walked up to the phone. With one finger, I pressed the phone back to the receiver, from which it had become slightly dislodged. The beeping abruptly stopped.

One of the ladies exclaimed to the other, "Well, I've never seen a telephone do that before, have you?"

"I've never even had a telephone," the other lady replied.

Yeah.

I took my books and returned to my car, grateful for the adventure I'd just had. It's not every day I get to rescue two old ladies from a bomb...or a telephone.

I'm Socially Awkward Girl: Saving the world, one socially awkward adventure at a time!

SAA Episode Four: Air Travel!

So I traveled this weekend to visit family. I'm no stranger to air travel, but it's been a couple of years since I've flown. I pretty much went into this thing knowing that somewhere along the way I'd find myself in some kind of amazing social awkwardness.

It wasn't as bad as I thought. In fact, I can't remember a single truly embarassing incident from the first day of my travel. I would like to mention that I saw a nun with a much nicer cell phone than mine--something about nuns and cell phones just made me inwardly giggle. I don't know why.

Anyway, on the trip back, there were a few minor incidents. I tried to go through the metal detector before the man said I could. Then when I backed up I bumped into this other airport employee guy. Both of them were really sweet about it, and I've learned over the years how to play off my social awkwardness. Apologize and smile. If you smile the right way, and the other people aren't just total ogres, they'll realize you're just socially awkward and laugh pleasantly at you. And you know, if you make a person smile, even if it's because they're politely making fun of you, it's still kind of nice to have brightened their day. And at 6 in the morning, everyone's a little socially awkward anyway.

Ok. So the really fun part was when I finally boarded the first plane I was on today. It's still prior to 7 a.m. at this point, so everyone is tired and cranky (you know...like total ogres *see above*). I'm in like row 15 near the back of the plane. I get on the plane with my two massive carry on bags. I make it to my seat. I'm against the window and there are these two dudes between me and my seat. They start to stand up while I try to find a place for one of my carry ons. There's no where available. The two dudes grumble at me like two total ogres and sit back down. The flight attendant is like, "Take your bag to the front of the plane." The One problem. There's still like thirty people coming down the narrow aisle trying to get to their seats, and I'm trying to go the other direction. And those aisles are not made for two way traffic. So I bump into people and get a lot of grumpy total ogre faces.

I finally get past all the people, and one of the flight attendants cheerfully announces, "So everyone, we have on board a couple of our country's service men. Stand up if you're in our armed forces so we can recognize you. So these army guys stand up and everyone applauds, and I'm still standing in the aisle like a fool trying to make it to the front of the aircraft. There's no where I can duck down to sit. I just have to stand and pretend no one can see me, because dude, I'm DEFINITELY not a soldier of any kind.

I finally make it to the front of the plane and three flight attendants have to help me find a place to store my bag. Meanwhile ALL the other passengers--I'm guesstimating about 120 (20 rows of 6 seats)--have already taken their seats and are waiting on ME to get my stuff together and take my seat. It wasn't too much longer before the flight attendants found a place for my bag (which, I might add, was not any bigger than most of the other bags--I was just in the last boarding group and didn't get first dibs on storage), and I was able to take my seat (you know, after getting the two total ogre dudes to stand up for me again so I could huddle against my window and cower in my social awkwardness). The flight took off and arrived. All was cool.

My reward for all of this social awkwardness? The total ogre dude sitting next to me fell asleep and was apparently having some kind of really cool dream. He kept moving his legs like he was running--like a dog having a dream. I thought it was awesome. I would have told him so, except that would have been awkward.

Yeah.

Air Travel. It's always an adventure!

Every Day is An Adventure

My name is Ruth. Ruth is not that common of a name among people my age. I am not an old lady. Contrary to popular belief, people named Ruth are not always old ladies. One day, if I live long enough, I will be an old lady, and my name will still be Ruth. Maybe then all people named Ruth will be old ladies, but right now it is not the case.

...however, I do knit.

I'm thirty years old. I haven't always been thirty years old. Once I was a kid. I was an awkward kid. I was the kid who licked the monkey bars. I don't know why, so don't ask. I grew into an awkward preteen who couldn't ride a bike and couldn't do a cartwheel. Heck, I could barely tie my shoes. I grew into an awkward teenager who sat on the bleachers during gym class writing emo poetry before emo poetry was cool. Actually, at that point, I don't even think emo had been invented yet.

Well, the awkward teenager grew into an awkward grown up who still feels like a monkey bar licking kid sometimes. I'm thirty years old. I've had thirty years of awkwardness, thirty years of uncomfortable social situations, thirty years of embarrassment.

After thirty years, something really remarkable has happened: I've gotten used to it. Not only that, but I've learned to value my social awkwardness. I used to see it as an inconvenience; now I see it as a gift. I mean, anyone can go to the post office to get stamps, or anyone can go to McDonalds to get a value meal, or anyone can drive to the airport to pick up a friend. It takes the truly socially inept to make an adventure out of any situation.

I've been through so many embarrassing situations that I'm practically immune to embarrassment now. And with all the social awkwardness in my life, I've decided I needed a place to record my adventures. I hope you enjoy reading about the awkward things that happen to me. Maybe you can relate, or maybe you'll just feel a lot more normal after reading the things that happen to me. I dare say there are fellow adventurers out there!

And it's okay. I know that I'm a weak fool. The thing is, God uses the weak and foolish to shame the strong and wise (1 Cor. 1:27). There's hope for all the social awkward adventurers. So happy reading, and happy adventuring!