SAA Ep# 52: The Social Awkward Network

Dear Facebook:

It was cute.  The first thirty-seven and a half times, it was adorable.  And by "adorable," I mean "slightly annoying, yet eventually predictable."  You'd get us hooked on whatever new format you'd created, and then just when everything had settled down again and become the new norm, you'd shake things up and introduce something wildly different and force us to relearn a new way of using you.

Sure, it was fun playing with all the new applications.  It was cool being able to instant message while simultaneously checking out that funny pic (that darn Lolrus and his bukkit gets me every time).  It was awesome how you taught us all whole new ways to stalk our friends...and their friends.  But now you have once again rocked our worlds by screwing with the system that enables us to socially network network socially waste time online have an electronic social life.

Not cool, Facebook.  Not cool.  Do you have any idea what kind of anarchy you have caused by not allowing people to easily separate their "top stories" from their "recent stories"?  Do you have any idea how dumb it is to even call them "top stories" to begin with, as if all our lives are nothing but headlines on a neverending news show? 

Neverending New-ews Show.  Ah ah ah, ah ah ah, ah ah ah....  Sorry.  I was having an 80's movie flashback.  Let's move on.

Yeah, Facebook.  You have pretty much caused a rift in the time-space continuum with your latest antics.  Maybe that explains why last night, whilst checking my friends' statuses (stati?), I experienced a shift back to the older, happier days of Facebooking.  For a few blissful, fleeting moments, I could separate my "top stories" from my "recent stories" without the use of a gazbillion lists that, quite frankly, I don't think I'll ever use.  Then, after giving me (and every other Facebook user who was online at the time) a brief taste of classic Facebook joy, you mercilessly reverted back to the new, evil version of Facebook.  You crushed our hopes, Facebook!  Is that your newest application?  Hope crushing!?

And I have to point out that another one of your glitches caused me muy embarrasmento (I can't actually speak Spanish) a few weeks ago.  My power was out, so I proceeded to text my status to Facebook, saying that I was forced to take a candlelight shower.  You proceeded to have a glitch.  The glitch proceeded to cause the status about my taking a shower to repost at least seven times throughout the course of the next twenty-four hours.  I didn't know about it because I didn't have electricity/internet access, but oh, my friends at church all mentioned that I probably shouldn't take so many candlelight showers and then post about it on Facebook.  I don't usually.  I mean, I do take showers, but I don't usually post about them on Facebook.  The one time I did, you had a glitch that let everyone know how clean I am...in the candlelight.  So thanks for that.  Thanks for all the things you do that make my life more awkward. 

Jerkface. 

Jerkfacebook.

What's that you say?  You say that you are free to use, and therefore I have no right to complain?  You say that no one is forcing me to continue to use your service?  Of course you would say that.  But Facebook isn't free.  I don't have to use a credit card in order to virtually "poke" someone, but you know that it costs much more than mere money to use you, don't you, Facebook?  You have gotten me hooked on you like a vampire hooked on his own personal brand of heroin blood.  I am your slave.

So I'm doomed, Facebook.  I can't stop using you.  You had me at "sign in."  You had me at "sign in."

For the socially awkward people like me, Facebook is the only means to having a semblance of a social life.  So the only thing for me to do is to just keep using you, despite the ridiculous changes you've made, despite the other ridiculous changes I hear you're about to make.  Seriously, Facebook, I've heard that, pretty soon, you're going to know me better than I know myself.  And then what?  What changes lie in store for us in the Facebook future?  One day, are you just going to start reading our minds and automatically uploading whatever random things that pop into our heads.  The annoying scroll bar ticker up at the side that never goes away will say: "Facebook has automatically read Ruth Cambpell's mind and updated their (not her, but their, because you obviously think I'm two or more people) status: I like pie."  Yeah.  That's totally creepy, Facebook.  Not only are you enabling us to stalk others with exponentially greater efficiency, but you're also starting to stalk US.  And for the record, I do like pie.  But you already knew that, didn't you?

And while I'm at it, Facebook, your name is stupid.  A book of faces?  You're not a book.  You're a website.  I guess "Facewebsite" is a little too awkward sounding, but then you're getting to be quite the expert on awkward.  And, by the way, everytime I hear the name "Mark Zuckerberg" I start thinking about Zuckerman's Famous Pig from Charlotte's Web.  And then I start thinking about the "Zuckerman's Famous Pig" song from the old Charlotte's Web cartoon.  And then it gets stuck in my head, which is annoying.  And then I remember that Charlotte died.  And I cry.

See what you did, Facebook?  You made me cry.

Why can't I quit you?

Sincerely,

A. R. Campbell

Every Day is An Adventure

My name is Ruth. Ruth is not that common of a name among people my age. I am not an old lady. Contrary to popular belief, people named Ruth are not always old ladies. One day, if I live long enough, I will be an old lady, and my name will still be Ruth. Maybe then all people named Ruth will be old ladies, but right now it is not the case.

...however, I do knit.

I'm thirty years old. I haven't always been thirty years old. Once I was a kid. I was an awkward kid. I was the kid who licked the monkey bars. I don't know why, so don't ask. I grew into an awkward preteen who couldn't ride a bike and couldn't do a cartwheel. Heck, I could barely tie my shoes. I grew into an awkward teenager who sat on the bleachers during gym class writing emo poetry before emo poetry was cool. Actually, at that point, I don't even think emo had been invented yet.

Well, the awkward teenager grew into an awkward grown up who still feels like a monkey bar licking kid sometimes. I'm thirty years old. I've had thirty years of awkwardness, thirty years of uncomfortable social situations, thirty years of embarrassment.

After thirty years, something really remarkable has happened: I've gotten used to it. Not only that, but I've learned to value my social awkwardness. I used to see it as an inconvenience; now I see it as a gift. I mean, anyone can go to the post office to get stamps, or anyone can go to McDonalds to get a value meal, or anyone can drive to the airport to pick up a friend. It takes the truly socially inept to make an adventure out of any situation.

I've been through so many embarrassing situations that I'm practically immune to embarrassment now. And with all the social awkwardness in my life, I've decided I needed a place to record my adventures. I hope you enjoy reading about the awkward things that happen to me. Maybe you can relate, or maybe you'll just feel a lot more normal after reading the things that happen to me. I dare say there are fellow adventurers out there!

And it's okay. I know that I'm a weak fool. The thing is, God uses the weak and foolish to shame the strong and wise (1 Cor. 1:27). There's hope for all the social awkward adventurers. So happy reading, and happy adventuring!