Why I'd Make a Horrible Doctor Who Companion

If you've never seen Doctor Who, please be aware that there are some minor SPOILERS, Sweetie.  I recommend you go right now and watch all the Doctor Who you can get your hands on.  And next week when you've become converted like me, come back and read this blog.  It will make more sense to you then.

So early last year, I discovered Doctor Who by watching the "new Who" on Netflix.  That's the way most future Whovians start.  And most people have a similar first reaction:

What. in. the. world. is. this. and. why. can't. I. stop. watching...?

And then, after a few episodes about intelligent plastic/crazy mannequins, a poorly animated flat lady who demands to be moisturized, and a race of green creatures who zip up into human suits and fart all the time, something strange happens and most people actually begin to LIKE the show.  At first, you can't turn away because it's so bizarre and awful.  But by the end of the last season, you're actually sad that Christopher Eccleston went away.  Until you see David Tennant, and you lose your heart and mind to the abyss that is his awesome.  And Doctor Who becomes more than just a show--it becomes a lifestyle.  And even after Tennant left, though I'm not a huge fan of Matt Smith, Arthur Darvill as Rory kept things interesting enough to keep me hooked.  ...and I'm really looking forward to Peter Capaldi, because he's basically a blue-eyed older version of Tennant.

Yeah, at least that has been my experience.

I think that most Whovians are also the sort that secretly dream that one day a TARDIS will appear from nowhere, a handsome stranger will emerge, extend his hand and say:

Because the thing is, if we can't BE the Doctor, then we want to be the next best thing.  Which, of course, would be the Doctor's companion.

(of course, I do think I'd make a pretty fabulous Doctor...
if the Doctor would ever be female...
...and American...
...which he should never, ever, EVER be...
I digress...)

Yeah, so, since the TARDIS has never appeared in my bedroom...

A girl can dream...

...it's probably a moot point.  But I've actually given the matter a lot of thought, as in, too much thought to really be justified.  And I've come to the sad conclusion that I'd probably make a terrible companion for the Doctor.  There are several reasons for this.

1. I'd fall in love with him.

Yeah, apparently that's only okay if you're Rose Tyler.

I'm going to be jealous of you forever, Rose Tyler.  That's what I'm going to do.  

2. I'm socially awkward.

Well, this probably wouldn't be that much of a big deal.  I mean, most of the Doctor's companions have had at least a little bit of social awkwardness. 

 Yeah, a bit of social awkwardness is practically a prerequisite for being open-minded enough to travel through all and time and space.  You can't cling to things like logic and societal norms, because, well, there aren't any.  And the Doctor himself is pretty awkward, too.

So much better than Matt Smith's giraffe dance, in my humble opinion.
Seriously...I could watch this all day.  All...day...

But I happen to be a bit of a homebody.  I would rather go read a book than go to a party.  So, I have the feeling that even with all of time and space at my fingertips, I'd rather just stay on the TARDIS and take a nap than go meet aliens.

Either that or I'd get off the TARDIS to meet aliens and people from the past, and I'd start CONSTANTLY saying and doing things that would make the Doctor say:

Eventually, I wouldn't have to ask to stay on the TARDIS.  The Doctor would just be like, "Yeah...why don't you just stay here and recalibrate something. ...on second thought, no.  Just sit there.  And don't touch anything.  And don't think about touching anything.  And...never mind.  I'm taking you back to earth.  Now.

3. I'm afraid of everything.

On top of social phobias, I'm also afraid of little things like heights and open spaces and closed spaces and change and things staying the same and rap music.  Then, last year THIS happened, and now I'm afraid of staircases, too.  

Of course, there might be ways to get around staircases...

...or not...

And being afraid of things doesn't mean I don't try to do them anyway...

Eighth Doctor: You're not afraid of heights, are you?

Grace: Yeah.

Eighth Doctor: So am I.

(I know it's not the right scene.  It's better.  Shut up)

But, in the long run, I don't think that the Doctor would be patient enough to deal with someone who has as many hang-ups as I do.

4. I lack basic athletic skills.

Let's face it.  This is pretty much the gist of Doctor Who:

While I have been a runner in the past, I'm a bit out of shape right now.  And even if I were running like I used to, I'm pathetically slow.  And slow-long-distance running was about the apex of my athletic abilities.  I'm pretty much useless in any kind of dangerous situation that might involve using strength, speed, or skill.

Basically...I'd die the first time I ever left the TARDIS, and the Doctor would feel guilty.  And I don't want him to feel guilty, so it would be better for me to just stay on earth.  And away from statues.  And never ever blink.

5. I'm too silly.

You'd think that this would be a good thing.  The Doctor, himself, can be rather silly.  And a fair amount of silliness is a very good thing in a good companion.  A completely rational companion could not handle the beautiful ridiculousness of the Doctor.

...beautiful ridiculousness, indeed.  Mmm...

But my problem is that I have TOO much silliness.  The Doctor needs someone to ground him.  A little silly is exactly what he needs, but too much silly would probably cause the universe to implode or something.

But then again, it could work.  

If I were ginger...

Because, let's face it, there was a LOT of silliness going around with the Doctor and Donna.  It was magical and good.

And even with her silliness, she managed to keep him well-grounded (and the rest of the universe in check, too).

But in my current state of hair colors, I really think I am too much like the Doctor.  Just rude and not ginger.

There are sometimes, though, that I wonder.  I wonder if maybe I once was a companion.  Because if I were a companion, I'd be a lot like Donna (albeit, not ginger).  And maybe I had epic adventures with the Doctor.  And maybe I even became the most important woman in the universe.  And then maybe...maybe...

I forgot.

Now, if you will excuse me, I must go.  I have a huge case of the feels that must be dealt with.

Happy running.

Fun With Autocorrect Ep. 2

Just for kicks, sometimes I like to Swype out adventures and not correct the autocorrect...you know, just to see what happens. Here we go!

Walking The New Scary Trail

Being as rubber is ruin, but I'm not one to Rt new things very often. Do when I rub, I like to rib the same paths over and over. My favorite places to run ate up and down a nearby street, out just sound and sorry the mile loop at a park.

But in the pat few months, a new ridiculously long ruining trail had opened yo near whet I line. Lots of my running friends have tagged about it, so I figures I'd give it a Rt. But I have to admit, I was a little nevis. I don't like new things, being socially weekend and all. 

In fact, I might not have tried out ie at all if it weren't for the fact that the trial opens up at the soccer complex where the girls I watch have soccer practice. I took one of the girls I've night and figured I mint ad well walk the trial during get ninety mine practice.

After doing the fourteen year pork of at her field, I made may way to the trail. It was light it, but not stingy. It was one if those spooky overcast hats that make you feel as thought you were in a horror mine.  Before I even got to the trail, I felt crepes out.

I started walking the trail, trying to fitter out the mile markings. It was not vet easy. I tried memorizing kamala, like signs and Ricks and random tank things.

About a quarter mile in, I saw an overlord that had a sign sniff beavers. It said that beavers livers in the area automating the trail, and even tooth they mainly titled at night, I might see stoke fallen tees out fans, evidence if the beavers.

So I stared looking door breeders and I walked. Mostly I just saw birds and squirrels and scary looking runner dudes that could have killed me if tiger decided that works be mute fun than running.

I didn't like how remote the trail seemed on that spooky, sunless day. I always feel safe if I fugees um in screaming distance of other Perle. In the two, only the scary runners, the squirrels, the hurts, and the elusive braces could hear me.

That want enough to make NE feel safe.

Plus, I was listening to Mt ruining app admit zombies, which always makes ruining mite freaky dink.

Well, I finally decided to walk back to the cover complex, still crepes it's by the remit trail, when ourof the Crowder of my err, I saw something mice in the first! Was it a scary runner murdered dude? Was it a zombie? Was it a cranky pants squirrel?

No. It was a brave. It saw me and scanners array, but it was dorky as beaver.

In the way back to the complex, I finally figured air the mile markets, at least somewhat. I figured if try that trail out again assert all.

The next tinge I walked it, the sun was shining. There ware less scary ruining dudes and lots of other waffling and ruining ladies. There were squirrels and birds, but no beavers.

Aww.

I guess the question still relations. If e call then beavers, why Sony three brave?

SAA Ep. #65: The Birfday Adventure

My birfday was almost a week ago, but my internet was down for most of the week.  This is the first chance I've had to blog about my wonderful, exciting, adventurous, and (of course) slightly awkward birfday.

My birfday started out early because of church.  After church, several of my friends and I ended up at Applebees.  My Sunday School Bible Study teacher, his wife, and four kids came, too.  That was awesome for me, because those kids are awesome. The best quote from my entire birthday came from the six year old who was seated next to me.  I was eating my free birthday ice cream, but most of it had melted by the time I got to the bottom.  That didn't stop me from continuing to eat it.  The six year old asked, "Why are you eating your ice cream juice?"

Because it's my birfday, kid.  That's why.

After lunch, my roommate and I went to the science museum.  She wasn't all that excited about the science museum, but pretty soon she started getting interested in the whale skeletons (I was interested in those, but mainly just because I firmly believe that in 1986, Admiral James T. Kirk and the crew of the former U.S.S. Enterprise came back in time on a Klingon vessel with the sole purpose of capturing two Humpback whales to bring back to the 23rd century, in an attempt to repopulate the species--as well as get rid of a silly probe that was going to destroy the earth).  Me?  I was far more fascinated by the inch worm that had discovered my hand.  Inch worms are adorable.  Or at least they used to be.

Inch worms love me.  I usually pick up about twenty of them when I go running in the springtime.  Apparently they think I'm a giant shuttle bus or something.  It's probably because I just run back and forth up and down their sidewalk.  A few of them forget to get off at their stop (not that I stop for them anyway), so when I get done from my run, there are still a good dozen of them clinging for dear life to my shirt, pants, or shoes.  And really, by the time I've had to pull the seventh inch worm out of my hair, they aren't that adorable anymore.  But the one at the museum, which wasn't part of any of the exhibts, still captured my attention more than the stuff I was supposed to be looking at.

It wasn't that I wasn't interested in the museum exhibits.  It's just that I have the attention span of a three year old.

Well, my attention span grew up a little bit when we reached the small gem exhibit.  I don't like jewels as much as my sister or mom, but I'm still a girl, and I can appreciate a shiny object or two. 

...and then my attention span rapidly deteriorated again when we reached the dinosaurs...

...I pretty much became a three year old again.



This guy needs a 900 lb. cheeseburger.



Aww.  He's cute.  I think I want one.



It's a Pachycephalosaurus!  This is one of my favorite dinosaurs (probably because it has a hard head)!  I got so excited about seeing him (I call him Pachie) that I almost caused a scene. 

 So, I was not eaten by any dinosaurs...but...

...in a completely unexpected turn of events, I was eaten by a giant praying mantis.

THE END.

Wait...

...no it isn't.

After the museum, my roommate dropped me off to pick up my car from Applebees.  I needed to go by Walmart on the way home because my mom had given me a gift card so that I could purchase a running/hydration belt.  If you don't know what that is, think of a fanny pack.  Then erase the fanny pack stigma from your mind, add on holsters for water bottles, and you have a vague idea of what a running belt is.  It's a useful belt for holding water and other stuff while you're running.  I think that the fact that I wanted a running belt for my birthday qualifies me as one of those crazy running people. 

Anyway, I was starting to turn to get on one road, when I remembered there was a newer, much more better Walmart right next to the Applebees.  So I changed lanes quickly and started to go across a busy intersection.  I was kinda sorta already in the middle of the intersection when I realized that I had a red light.  I slammed on my brakes and just generally freaked out.  I would like to be able to say that I almost died on my birthday (because that sounds exciting and tragic).  Really, I just made myself look like an idiot and ticked a bunch of much more cautious drivers off.  But hey--traffic signals don't matter on your birthday...right?  ...

After all this birthday excitement, you'd think I'd have had enough, right?  Yeah, me too.  Well, I went to Walmart.  I found my running belt (which, by the way, I LOVE.  I took it out on a nine mile run the other day, and it was pretty much the coolest fanny pack running accessory ever).

Well, my mom had given me a card for a certain amount, and after the running belt, I still had a little $$ left over.  I thought to myself, "Self, you should get a birthday cake."  I mean, it all balances out, right?  A running belt in one hand, a cake in the other.  Yeah.

I meant to just get one of those little individual slices of cake, but they were so expensive compared to the reduced price full cakes.  I looked over all that the bakery had to offer, and my eyes kept going back to this one particular cake.  It was white with pink trim.  Now, pink is no longer my favorite color, but when I was a kid--everything was pink.  If it wasn't pink, it wasn't right.  And somewhere in my psyche, I connected the color pink to birthdays.  So I wanted this pink and white cake.  Also, the cake was two layer: one chocolate, one vanilla--two of my favorite cake flavors.  And it was only a few dollars more than the little individual cake slices. 

Still, I wasn't sure. 

So I stared at the cakes.

As I was staring at the cakes, I heard someone talking to me.

"Excuse me, ma'am, but you're so pretty.  Where are you from?"

I looked up to see a man smiling at me.  He was maybe 5-10 years older than me, and not all that creepy-looking.  I was taken aback by his direct approach.  I'm pretty clueless when it comes to guys being interested in me, but this was obvious enough for even ME to get.  I am never interested in making any kind of love connection with a stranger, but I've really been convicted lately about being rude to people--so I decided to be cautiously pleasant, which went completely against my gut instinct to run away like a little girl.

I think he figured I was from another country (I guess I'm too pale to be American), because after he found out I was from the U.S., he asked about my heritage.  Then he asked if I was single.  Then he asked if I was a lesbian.  He said he just wanted to make sure.  Then he asked me a few more questions.  For a moment, I wondered if he wasn't really hitting on me, but was actually trying to figure out information so he could try to steal my identity--but since he never asked me about my mother's maiden name or anything like that, I guess he was just really interested in me.  I was starting to wonder how I was going to let this guy down easy, when he sighed and said, "I should go before I get in trouble."  He reluctantly pointed to a gold ring on his left finger and said, "I am married, you see, and I should go find my wife before she finds me here with you."

Umm, yeah...

Then he paused before leaving, smiled awkwardly and said, "But, really, you're just so beautiful."

And he went away. 

I paused for a moment, silently freaking out over the whole situation, 1) because I never get hit on by anyone, let alone strangers, let alone married strangers, and I have no idea how to cope with that sort of thing, and 2) because what kind of married guy just goes around hitting on women as they look at cakes in Walmart?

Then I came to my senses and grabbed the pink and white cake, because obviously that cake made me more attractive. 

And even if it wasn't the cake, I figure it couldn't hurt.

Because even if it was a creepy married dude, it's always nice to have someone think you're pretty.  Especially on your birthday.  And it never hurts to have a pink and white cake.

And it never hurts to look like Santa Claus, unless you're a hobo.  ...but that's an entirely different story.

The cake? I definitely ate three slices that night.  I don't know if it made me more attractive, but it did give me a killer cake hangover--or a "cakeover," if you will.

...and the next day at work, just as I was telling my friend Kara about my massive cakeover, she presented me with a birthday cake pop.

Hmm.

It's the thought that counts.

(Actually, the cake pop was awesome, as was the latte she bought me!  My birthday was excellent and adventurous!  I'm really liking 32 so far!)

Public Service Announcement: Weight Loss Made Awkward

 I used to be a size sixteen. 

I’m a size six(ish) now. 

Many people have asked me to share my weight loss secrets, but after a long day of working with kids who don’t know how to take turns, I really don’t feel like sharing, either.  But today is your lucky day.  Today is the day that I reveal to the world my plan for weight loss success!

So how exactly does Socially Awkward Girl keep fitting into her super suit?  Do I take a magic diet pill that speeds up my metabolism, with the side effect of making me act super hyper ridiculously crazy?  No—that’s just how I am.  Do I take some other amazing pill that transforms all the fat I eat into happy little butterflies and rainbows?  No—but I might achieve such an effect from taking some other kind of drug.  No, no.  There is no magic pill that makes the fat go away.  There’s only that horrible, nasty, dirtiest of dirty words: Discipline. 

Ugh.  Just typing it makes me want to go wash my mouth out with Alfredo sauce.

Yes, discipline is necessary, but it is not the only weapon in my weight loss secret arsenal.  The following steps are my method, but if you’re trying to lose weight, I strongly encourage you to find something that works for you.  It might be my method.  It might be someone else’s method.  It will more likely be a combination of methods, which you have modified to fit your lifestyle.  Who knows?  It might be eating ice cream and chocolate all day, and if it is, man, I want to be you when I grow up.  The trick to effective weight loss is finding a method that works for you—and sticking to it (there’s where that ugly discipline word comes in).

But here’s my method, my secrets to weight loss (I’ve included a list at the end of this blog of ideas for meals and snacks—because I know you all want to be just like me, right? Left.):

Step 1: Be overweight.

Seriously, if you want to lose weight, you should probably be overweight first.  I mean, it helps to actually have weight to lose before you try to lose it.  If you’re overweight, then congratulations!  You’ve already made it through the first step of my method.  Way to go.  Give yourself a gold star.  But don’t carry the celebrations too far—it’s not like you’ve earned yourself a milkshake.  Unless it’s a Slim Fast.

Step 2: Don’t Have Kids.

As a single person, I really don’t know how a person with a spouse and/or kids would go about losing weight.  I work a lot, but when I’m off, I’m off.  I can pop in a dvd and get on my elliptical for an hour.  I can go out early in the morning or late in the evening and go for a jog.  I don’t have to worry about who’s going to watch my kids while I exercise.  Also, I can fix my own portions of food without worrying about what the rest of my family is going to eat. 

Look, I’m not saying that it’s IMPOSSIBLE to lose weight if you have kids, and in fact, I’ve known some people who have.  I just think it’s probably a lot easier for us single peeps. 

Sorry.

…but, if it’s any consolation, I’m sure your kids love you just the way you are.  Aww. 

Don’t hurt me.

Step 3: Be a Calorie Nazi.

Yeah, people always want to know my weight loss secrest—until I actually tell them what I do.  I’ve not been blessed with an awesome metabolism.  I’m not naturally thin.  I’m not one of those people who can eat whatever I want and still wear the pants I wore in middle school.  Actually, I was pretty hefty in middle school, so maybe…but I’m getting off track.  The only way for a person like me to lose weight is to make sure I’m burning off more calories than I’m eating. The only way for me to do that is for me to keep track of all the calories I eat.  Every single one (except for white tic tacs—everyone knows they don’t count).  A person my weight and height doesn’t burn off that daily recommended allowance of 2000 calories.  I probably burn off (without exercise) about 1500-1600 calories a day.  To maintain weight, I probably shouldn’t eat much more than 1500-1600 a day (depending on how much I exercise).  To lose weight, I need to eat less than 1500 calories a day.  Right now, I’m limiting my calories to about 1100-1200. 

Step 4: Read Labels.

This is part of being a calorie Nazi—making sure I know what I’m eating.  The nutrition facts of a lot of foods can be found somewhere on the food packaging.  It’s not that hard to find out what a serving size is and how many calories are in that serving size.  I invested in a food scale from Target—it was all of $5 and I use it multiple times every day.  This way, I know I’m eating the right portions of food.  If I don’t know how many calories are in something, I look it up online.  Google.  What did we ever do without it? 

Yeah.  It sounds tedious, but it’s almost fun.  I’ve got to figure out what I can eat and how much of it I can eat.  It’s like working a puzzle!  Okay, okay.  I didn’t say it was the most fun activity EVER…calm down.

Step 5: Snack Like It’s Going Out of Style.

Snack.  That’s right.  You heard me.  I said snack.  Snack.  Snack like it’s your job.  Snack.  Snack!  SNACK!!!!!

Snack, dieter, snack like the wind! 

Snack down with your bad self. 

Snack…okay, you get it.

Snack is a funny word, isn’t it?  Snack Snack Snack.  But I love this word, because it means I get to eat.  And in fact, I eat every hour and a half or so.  Some mornings I have to wait a little longer between breakfast and my first snack, but throughout the rest of the day, I’m on a pretty tight snacking schedule.  If I miss a snack, horrible things happen.  So I try not to miss them.  Around 8:30-9, I eat a good breakfast of about 150-200 calories.  I eat a 100ish calorie snack at 11 and another at 12:30.  At 2:00, I eat a late lunch that’s about 150-200 calories.  At 3:30, I eat another 100ish calorie snack and another at 5.  I eat dinner at 6:30, which depending on how good I’ve been that day, can be anywhere from 150-300 calories.  I also get a snack around 7:45, which is also dependent on how good I’ve been during the day.  I try to sneak in a little dessert in that last snack.  I love to eat at night, so this gives me an opportunity, as long as I’m done eating all calories by 8 p.m.  My metabolism hates me, so if I eat after 8, I turn into a gremlin my body won’t have time to process the food I ate before I go to sleep. 

I’ve read into the reasoning why snacking is a good idea.  Apparently the food scientist people who are way smarter than I am did some research, and they found out that humans were meant to be grazers.  Like cows.  Moo. 

Yeah, apparently our metabolisms aren’t geared to process three ginormous meals.  The less frequently we eat, the more frequently our metabolism kicks into starvation mode and tries to store fat.  The solution is to eat small snacks throughout the day, instead of putting all our calories into big meals. 

So snack, friends!  Snack away!

Step 6: Remember the Food Pyramid, Plate, Whatever….

When I choose my snacks throughout the day (as well as my meals), I’m not just looking at calories.  I’m making sure I’m getting a healthy balance of fruits and veggies and proteins.  To be honest, I’m not really sure what the recommended daily amount of servings of fruits and veggies is, but I know most people aren’t getting it.  I usually get at least five servings a day (usually more)—which, incidentally, isn’t hard to do when you snack a lot and choose good snacks.

Protein is also pretty important.  Your body needs it, and it also helps you feel fuller.  Whenever I’m looking at labels (see Step 4), my eyes immediately go to calories first, and protein second.  I’m looking to see how much protein there is in comparison to the amount of calories. 

I really am peeved at foods that are packaged as healthy, when they’re really not.  The regular Special K bars are low in calories, but they don’t have much nutrition.  Another culprit is those 100 calorie packs.  Most of them have next to no nutrition.  Just because it’s low calorie doesn’t mean it’s healthy.  But, if you just want something sweet/salty, the 100 calorie packs are convenient and yummy.  I’m just sayin’ that you can eat a single cookie (depending on the cookie) for less than 100 calories, if you really need a fix—and real cookies are usually tastier than the 100 calorie packs.

Step 7: BEWARE THE LOW BLOOD SUGAR MONSTER!!!!

Learn from my fail, peeps, learn from my fail.  If your body is telling you that you need more calories, then eat more calories.  Don’t think you can just muscle your way through it.  If you’re light-headed, if you’re getting “the shakes,” if you’re just being unreasonably cranky and your stomach is shouting “FEED ME SEYMOUR!”…then for Pete’s Dragon’s sake, stop being a moron and EAT SOMETHING.

I’ve learned it’s wise to always have some not-easily-crushable snacks in my purse/bag/car, just in case I don’t have any of my normal food with me and the Low Blood Sugar Monster decides to attack.  (See Appendix…yes…this blog post has an Appendix.  It had a Tonsil once, but I had it removed)

Step 8: Embrace the Truvia!  Embrace it!

Let me take a moment to tell you about how much I love Truvia.  No, they’re not paying me to say this, but they totally should, because I would advertise for them ALL the time.  I’d even wear t-shirts with the Truvia logo, and little Truvia packets for earrings, and I’d wear shoes made out of recycled Truvia boxes.  Hmm...I hope Truvia doesn’t take out a restraining order against me….

Yeah, so if you hadn’t realized it, I love Truvia.  It’s changed my life.  It’s an all natural, no calorie sweetener, which is awesome, because along with being a Calorie Nazi, I’ve also decided to cut out all artificial sweeteners.  Yay me.  Truvia is my new BFF.  It’s made from Stevia, a plant—a sweet tasting no calorie plant of awesomeness—and erythritol, a natural derivative from fruit.  I love Truvia because I can use it without feeling guilty.  I can have sweet tea again!  Oh, sweet tea, how I missed you….

One day, I’m afraid that some health report is going to come out, saying that eating too much Stevia is unhealthy and causes invisibility and/or the tendency to vomit leprechauns…but until then, I’m going to have wild, wild Truvia tea parties, and no one can stop me!

Step 9: Eat Chocolate.

Some dude wrote an article about Stevia (see above) and sweet food cravings.  I couldn’t find a by line, but I know the author of the article was a dude.  I know this because the dude wrote that if a one had enough fresh fruit in a day, then one would never have cravings for chocolate or other sweets. 

A woman would never say that.  The author was definitely a dude.

I’m sorry, but if I was on a diet where I couldn’t eat chocolate, then I’d punch that diet in the face and go eat a carton of ice cream.  If God didn’t want us to enjoy eating, then He wouldn’t have created taste buds.  While a wide variety of foods are enjoyable, there’s nothing wrong with indulging the sweet tooth.  And I mean every day.

The trick to this is to just have a little bit…and to enjoy every bite!  If you want ice cream, eat a half cup of ice cream.  If you want a cookie, eat a cookie.  If you want chocolate, have a piece of chocolate.  If you want a marshmallow, eat a marshmallow—one of my favorite things to do is to toast marshmallows over candles.  It takes several minutes to toast the marshmallow, so I’m not rushing through the experience.  And when I eat chocolate, I’m eating a little bite at a time, savoring it.  So when I’ve eaten my small portion, I don’t feel cheated.  I feel treated.  And I have a great gift for rhyme.  Some of the time.

Step 10: Run, Fatgirl, Run! Or Whatever…

I became a runner by accident.  Last year, one of my bosses told me about a 5K that she was sponsoring.  And because she was sponsoring, I got free registration in the 5K.  I figured, why not?  I hate running, but why not?  I’ve always just stuck with speed walking, but why not?  I look like a limping duck when I try to run, but why not?  Well, the ‘why not’ was because I almost died after running just a half mile.  But for some reason, I stuck with it, and a few weeks later, I was running five miles.  And I liked it.  I became a sicko, a running sicko.  The other day I found out I was getting out of work early, and my first thought?  “YAY!  Now I have time to go running before it gets too dark.”  I’m a sicko, I tell you.

You might not be a running sicko, and that’s okay.  You don’t have to be a running sicko to get exercise.  Do Zoomba (did I even spell that right?).  Do Pilates (not Pontius Pilate…the other type).  Do underwater aerobics.  Do speed walking, if that’s what it takes.  Just find some time to move around more, because honestly the only way to lose weight is to eat less and move around more. 

And I just had the sudden and unpleasant realization that I could have saved you all that reading you just did by saying:

The secret to my weight loss is eating less and moving around more.

The End.

Sorry.

Appendix (Because This Blog Isn’t Long Enough Already):

Breakfast Ideas:

-Quaker Soft Baked Bars: 140 calories. 6 grams of protein.  I would cry if they stopped making these.  I thought they had for a little while, and I almost caused a scene in the grocery store.  They just changed their name.  They used to be called Quaker Life Bars.  For some reason the Quaker company likes to make their consumers almost cause scenes in grocery stores, for they have changed the packaging and/or name of this product three times in the past two years.  But I have forgiven them because their product is freakin’ amazing.  They come in two mindblowing flavors (seriously, my mind is blown every time I eat one): Cinnamon Roll and Banana Nut Bread.  They taste like dessert, but they have lots of vitamins and stuff.  And they’re relatively cheap at under $2.20 for a box of five (at Walmart).  I love them.

-1/2 Peanut Butter and Honey or Jelly Sammich: 150 calories (if made on 50 calorie bread and 180 calorie peanut butter —read labels!)…and just a small dollop of honey or jelly.  I use Walmart brand peanut butter because it’s cheaper and because it has less calories than the other brands.  True story.  For bread, I either use Nature’s Own Whole Wheat (not honey wheat) or the Great Value Walmart Whole Wheat.  Both breads have 50 calories a slice.  There is bread out there with 40 calories a slice, but it’s not whole wheat, and I’m afraid of it.  For jelly, I usually use the Smucker’s low sugar—it only has 25 calories per tablespoon.

-Light Omelet: 140 calories. I use All Whites brand liquid eggs—which is basically just egg whites.  Two servings of that with a ¼ cup 2% shredded cheese is amazing.  I also add a little cilantro, because I have an herb habit.

-Special K and Skim Milk: 150 calories.  I like the kind with the crunchy strawberries.

Lunch Ideas:

-Quaker Soft Baked Bar (see above)

-½ Peanut Butter and Honey or Jelly Sammich (see above)

-Spaghetti Squash: 90 calories for 6 oz of squash.  I love spaghetti squash.  It’s nature’s answer for pasta lovers who can’t have pasta very often.  The squash, when cooked properly, comes off the shell in the form of little noodles.  Of course, it’s no fun to eat the squash without sauce.  I either use spaghetti sauce (Classico’s Ripe Olive and Mushroom is 60 calories per ½ cup), Alfredo Sauce (Market Pantry aka Target Brand Alfredo Sauce is 60 calories per ¼ cup), or Peanut Sauce (Archer Farms aka high class Target Brand Peanut Sauce is 60 calories per 2 tablespoons) w/ a little lemon juice and cilantro for fake pad thai. 

-Turkey Sammich: 140 calories.  Two slices of 50 calorie bread=100 cals.  Two slices of 20 calorie turkey= 40 cals.  Mustard = nada.  Yay Sammich!

Dinner Ideas:

(pair the meats with a serving or two of fresh/frozen veggies) 

-Turkey Burger: 160 calories

-Grilled Chicken: 110 calories

-Tilapia: 100 calories

-Spaghetti Squash w/ sauce: 150 calories

-Progresso Light New England Clam Chowder: About 210 calories per can (2ish servings in can—but who ever eats just one serving of soup??)

-Progresso Light Santa Fe Style Chicken: About 180 calories per can (see above)

-Smart Taste Pasta: 170 for 2 oz. pasta plus 60 more calories for sauce= 230 calories

-Peanut Butter and Honey/Jelly Sammich: 300 calories

Snack Ideas:

--Apple: 70-100 calories.

--Banana: 100-120 calories.

--Carrots: 35 calories per 3 oz.

--Apple Sauce (unsweetened): 50 calories per ½ cup

--Low Sodium V8: 50 calories per 8 oz. (contains 2 servings of veggies!)

--Goldfish crackers (I like the colors b/c the purple ones taste better—true story!  The natural dye is watermelon and beet juice, and it makes the flavor different and yummy): 100 calories for 40 crackers.

--Cucumbers: 15 calories for 100 grams.

--Frozen Peaches: 50 calories for 140 grams.

--Frozen Strawberries: 40 calories for 140 grams.

--I like to mix half a serving of peaches and half a serving of strawberries in a ziplock baggie and leave them in the fridge overnight.  When I’m ready to eat them the next morning, I sprinkle a packet of Truvia over them and eat them right out of the bag.  Soooo good.

--Another word about ziplock baggies.  They are our friends.  When I get veggies, I sometimes have to cut them up.  I used to dread cutting them every single night, but I quickly learned I can set aside one night a week to do all my veggie chopping.  I measure out individual servings (or a couple of servings) into ziplock baggies.  Then I can grab them and go as needed. 

Ideas for Good Protein Snacks:

-Frigo Cheese Heads Light String Cheese: 60 calories, 8 grams of protein

-Egg Whites: 30 calories, 5 grams of protein

-Harris Teeter Naturals Yogurt (I love this because it’s low in calories and still has NO artificial sweeteners) : The Strawberry, Peach, and French Vanilla all have 100 calories and 7 grams of protein.  The Cherry Vanilla and Raspberry Flavors have 130 calories (still not bad) and 7 grams of protein.

-Yoplait Greek Yogurt Cherry Pomegranate Flavor or Coconut: 110 calories for 4 oz. cup, 8 grams protein

-Plain Greek Yogurt makes an excellent veggie dip.  I’ve tried different brands, but most of them are high in protein and low in calorie—especially if you’re just using a tablespoon or so.  Check the labels, because some has less protein than others.

Ideas for Not-Easily-Crushable Emergency Snacks To Ward off Low Blood Sugar Monster:

-100 Calorie Pack Emerald Nuts Almonds

-Archer Farms Organic Fruit Strips- 45 calories

-Quaker Granola Bars - 90 calories for the yummy mint chip cocoa ones

Ideas for Dessert:

-Girl Scout Thin Mints: 80 calories for 2

-Girl Scout Caramel Delights (Samoas): 70 calories each

-Girl Scout Thanks-a-Lot: 75 calories each (taste SO good dunked in decaf coffee)

-Girl Scout Lemonades: 75 calories each

-Marshmallows: 45 calories for 2

-Ice Cream: Lowe’s Foods (if you live where these exist) brand has 90 calorie light ice cream.

-Whoppers: about 11 calories a piece

If you read all of this, wow...you must either be really desperate to lose weight, or you love me a whole lot, or you just really have a lot of time on your hands....  Thanks.

SSA Ep.#58: Shoepping

I’m not really a huge fan of shopping.  I mean, I like to buy stuff…especially food.  …especially chocolate.  But I usually restrict my shopping to a few places that make me feel comfortable—like Target, Walmart, and thrift stores.  And because I’m cheap I don’t make a lot of money, I tend not to buy stuff like clothes or shoes unless I really need them…or unless I find a really good deal.  …or if they're really cute.  I kind of think that I have a guy mentality when it comes to my stuff—if it still works and doesn’t have too many holes in it, I might as well just keep what I have.

But recently I had noticed that my casual/work shoes were looking kind of scruffy.  And by scruffy, I mean there were holes in the soles.  (Do not think for one second that it has escaped my notice that “holes in the soles” rhymes.  Also do not think for one second that I have not stored that rhyming phrase in my memory to use in the future.)  All the way through the soles.  There was a hole on top of one of them, too, which came from one of my many failed attempts to play soccer with the girls I watch.  I just figured that hole gave the shoes character.

The holes in the bottom of the shoes, however, did not give them character.  They gave me dirty/wet socks and zero arch support.  So, I had to face facts that it was time to purchase a new pair of shoes.

Also, I’ve been procrastinating waiting till the right time to go to one of those running stores to get some good running shoes.  The ones I had were from Walmart.  I got them for $12.  They were my third pair in the past 10 months because they were crappy shoes, and I kept wearing holes in the soles (it rhymes!) of them, too.   It’s amazing that my legs haven’t fallen off at the knee. (Insert "good running shoes cost and arm and a leg joke here).

Here’s what I’m saying about shoe shopping, or shoepping, as I like to call it.  There have been entire years where I have gone without purchasing a single pair of shoes.  This week, in a bizarre turn of events, I’ve bought not one, but two pairs of shoes. 

I looked in all the usual places for my casual/work shoes.  Neither Walmart nor Target had anything that was both cute and cheap frugal enough for my tastes.  With used clothing, I kind of draw the line at wearing things with other people's foot sweat in them, so the thrift store was out of the question.  So I had to branch out a little….

Since someone had given me a gift card for Macy’s, I decided to head up there and see what they had.  Let me just say that, for me, entering a department store at the mall is kind of like entering the wild unknown.  When I buy something like clothes or shoes, I kind of like the “help myself” mentality.  I like to go up to the rack or shelf, try on things, and figure things out for myself.  Upon approaching the shoe department at Macy’s, it took me about 0.3 seconds to realize that this wasn’t that sort of place.

As soon as I showed the slightest bit of interest in the shoe department in general, at least four shoe department employees popped their little heads up like little store meerkats.  Yes, yes.  They were the meerkats, and I was the juicy grub worm.  I tried to act nonchalant, glancing at the too high price tags on shoes that were way too fancy for my tastes, but I couldn’t keep up the act for long.  The meerkats were closing in.  I knew they wouldn’t let me out without buying a pair of those high priced, too fancy shoes.

I’m ashamed to say that I ran away retreated. 

A couple days later, I went to Payless and bought a pair of shoes in an almost completely non-awkward transaction. 

The only awkwardness?  The bazgillion questions the sales person asked me when I was trying to purchase the shoes.  What’s your phone number?  What’s your email address?  What’s your favorite color? Who is your next of kin? What is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow?  Seriously, this is why I like Target and Walmart.  They scan my merchandise and tell me how much it is.  I pay for it.  That’s all.  No 20 questions.  Just a normal, happy sales transaction. 

I tried something different this time.  Instead of being compliant, I challenged the system.  I politely told the lady, “I don’t want to tell you my email address and phone number.”  She kind of looked taken aback, but she let me buy the shoes without this vital information, and we were both able to go on with our lives.

The adventure involving the purchase of my running shoes is not really all that impressive.  I went into it knowing that I was going to need help, so I spent far more time imagining all the different ways that could go than the actual process of getting the shoes.  I imagined some ogre of a salesperson who would try to sell me some kind of horribly expensive shoes, socks, and other accessories that I really didn’t need.  I imagined going into the store and meeting some dashing runner man/store clerk, who, after fitting me in a pair of stylish, attractive, and cheap inexpensive trainers, would ask me to literally run away with him.  I also imagined a nice lady who would analyze my running gait and fit me into a pair of shoes.

Turns out, it was the nice lady.  She did analyze my gait (that sounds wrong somehow, but it just meant she watched me walk and run), determining that I needed stability shoes (just as I suspected).  She helped me try on several pairs of shoes.  The only awkwardness involved was the fact that I forgot to shave my legs (I had to roll up my pants leg so the lady could analyze my gait)…so all in all, I’m glad the dashing runner man/sales clerk of my dreams didn’t help me.

I kind of went into the whole thing hoping to find a cute pair of blue shoes that would also feel amazing on my feet, but I also understood that I’d most likely end up with ugly shoes.  And I did…at least in my opinion.  Several people have argued with me on this point, but radioactive yellow just isn’t my thing…at least they can be seen at night.  …if I ever ran at night.  …which I don’t.

How many innocent glow sticks gave their lives to make these shoes?

Oh good.  As if they weren't bright enough, they're also reflective.  So I can run at night and blind other runners and operators of motor vehicles.

The thing is, the moment I put my feet into these shoes, a choir started singing the Hallelujah Chorus.  These shoes surrounded my feet in cushiony delight.  They are like pillows for my feet. 

And when I ran this afternoon, it was like treading upon baby angels.

So I bought them, this ugly pair of shoes, spending more money than I’ve ever spent on a single pair of shoes in my life. 

Running is an expensive habit, but I figure I'll need to keep it up and stay in shape.  You never know the next time I'll need to run away from store meerkats.