Public Service Announcement: Weight Loss Made Awkward

 I used to be a size sixteen. 

I’m a size six(ish) now. 

Many people have asked me to share my weight loss secrets, but after a long day of working with kids who don’t know how to take turns, I really don’t feel like sharing, either.  But today is your lucky day.  Today is the day that I reveal to the world my plan for weight loss success!

So how exactly does Socially Awkward Girl keep fitting into her super suit?  Do I take a magic diet pill that speeds up my metabolism, with the side effect of making me act super hyper ridiculously crazy?  No—that’s just how I am.  Do I take some other amazing pill that transforms all the fat I eat into happy little butterflies and rainbows?  No—but I might achieve such an effect from taking some other kind of drug.  No, no.  There is no magic pill that makes the fat go away.  There’s only that horrible, nasty, dirtiest of dirty words: Discipline. 

Ugh.  Just typing it makes me want to go wash my mouth out with Alfredo sauce.

Yes, discipline is necessary, but it is not the only weapon in my weight loss secret arsenal.  The following steps are my method, but if you’re trying to lose weight, I strongly encourage you to find something that works for you.  It might be my method.  It might be someone else’s method.  It will more likely be a combination of methods, which you have modified to fit your lifestyle.  Who knows?  It might be eating ice cream and chocolate all day, and if it is, man, I want to be you when I grow up.  The trick to effective weight loss is finding a method that works for you—and sticking to it (there’s where that ugly discipline word comes in).

But here’s my method, my secrets to weight loss (I’ve included a list at the end of this blog of ideas for meals and snacks—because I know you all want to be just like me, right? Left.):

Step 1: Be overweight.

Seriously, if you want to lose weight, you should probably be overweight first.  I mean, it helps to actually have weight to lose before you try to lose it.  If you’re overweight, then congratulations!  You’ve already made it through the first step of my method.  Way to go.  Give yourself a gold star.  But don’t carry the celebrations too far—it’s not like you’ve earned yourself a milkshake.  Unless it’s a Slim Fast.

Step 2: Don’t Have Kids.

As a single person, I really don’t know how a person with a spouse and/or kids would go about losing weight.  I work a lot, but when I’m off, I’m off.  I can pop in a dvd and get on my elliptical for an hour.  I can go out early in the morning or late in the evening and go for a jog.  I don’t have to worry about who’s going to watch my kids while I exercise.  Also, I can fix my own portions of food without worrying about what the rest of my family is going to eat. 

Look, I’m not saying that it’s IMPOSSIBLE to lose weight if you have kids, and in fact, I’ve known some people who have.  I just think it’s probably a lot easier for us single peeps. 

Sorry.

…but, if it’s any consolation, I’m sure your kids love you just the way you are.  Aww. 

Don’t hurt me.

Step 3: Be a Calorie Nazi.

Yeah, people always want to know my weight loss secrest—until I actually tell them what I do.  I’ve not been blessed with an awesome metabolism.  I’m not naturally thin.  I’m not one of those people who can eat whatever I want and still wear the pants I wore in middle school.  Actually, I was pretty hefty in middle school, so maybe…but I’m getting off track.  The only way for a person like me to lose weight is to make sure I’m burning off more calories than I’m eating. The only way for me to do that is for me to keep track of all the calories I eat.  Every single one (except for white tic tacs—everyone knows they don’t count).  A person my weight and height doesn’t burn off that daily recommended allowance of 2000 calories.  I probably burn off (without exercise) about 1500-1600 calories a day.  To maintain weight, I probably shouldn’t eat much more than 1500-1600 a day (depending on how much I exercise).  To lose weight, I need to eat less than 1500 calories a day.  Right now, I’m limiting my calories to about 1100-1200. 

Step 4: Read Labels.

This is part of being a calorie Nazi—making sure I know what I’m eating.  The nutrition facts of a lot of foods can be found somewhere on the food packaging.  It’s not that hard to find out what a serving size is and how many calories are in that serving size.  I invested in a food scale from Target—it was all of $5 and I use it multiple times every day.  This way, I know I’m eating the right portions of food.  If I don’t know how many calories are in something, I look it up online.  Google.  What did we ever do without it? 

Yeah.  It sounds tedious, but it’s almost fun.  I’ve got to figure out what I can eat and how much of it I can eat.  It’s like working a puzzle!  Okay, okay.  I didn’t say it was the most fun activity EVER…calm down.

Step 5: Snack Like It’s Going Out of Style.

Snack.  That’s right.  You heard me.  I said snack.  Snack.  Snack like it’s your job.  Snack.  Snack!  SNACK!!!!!

Snack, dieter, snack like the wind! 

Snack down with your bad self. 

Snack…okay, you get it.

Snack is a funny word, isn’t it?  Snack Snack Snack.  But I love this word, because it means I get to eat.  And in fact, I eat every hour and a half or so.  Some mornings I have to wait a little longer between breakfast and my first snack, but throughout the rest of the day, I’m on a pretty tight snacking schedule.  If I miss a snack, horrible things happen.  So I try not to miss them.  Around 8:30-9, I eat a good breakfast of about 150-200 calories.  I eat a 100ish calorie snack at 11 and another at 12:30.  At 2:00, I eat a late lunch that’s about 150-200 calories.  At 3:30, I eat another 100ish calorie snack and another at 5.  I eat dinner at 6:30, which depending on how good I’ve been that day, can be anywhere from 150-300 calories.  I also get a snack around 7:45, which is also dependent on how good I’ve been during the day.  I try to sneak in a little dessert in that last snack.  I love to eat at night, so this gives me an opportunity, as long as I’m done eating all calories by 8 p.m.  My metabolism hates me, so if I eat after 8, I turn into a gremlin my body won’t have time to process the food I ate before I go to sleep. 

I’ve read into the reasoning why snacking is a good idea.  Apparently the food scientist people who are way smarter than I am did some research, and they found out that humans were meant to be grazers.  Like cows.  Moo. 

Yeah, apparently our metabolisms aren’t geared to process three ginormous meals.  The less frequently we eat, the more frequently our metabolism kicks into starvation mode and tries to store fat.  The solution is to eat small snacks throughout the day, instead of putting all our calories into big meals. 

So snack, friends!  Snack away!

Step 6: Remember the Food Pyramid, Plate, Whatever….

When I choose my snacks throughout the day (as well as my meals), I’m not just looking at calories.  I’m making sure I’m getting a healthy balance of fruits and veggies and proteins.  To be honest, I’m not really sure what the recommended daily amount of servings of fruits and veggies is, but I know most people aren’t getting it.  I usually get at least five servings a day (usually more)—which, incidentally, isn’t hard to do when you snack a lot and choose good snacks.

Protein is also pretty important.  Your body needs it, and it also helps you feel fuller.  Whenever I’m looking at labels (see Step 4), my eyes immediately go to calories first, and protein second.  I’m looking to see how much protein there is in comparison to the amount of calories. 

I really am peeved at foods that are packaged as healthy, when they’re really not.  The regular Special K bars are low in calories, but they don’t have much nutrition.  Another culprit is those 100 calorie packs.  Most of them have next to no nutrition.  Just because it’s low calorie doesn’t mean it’s healthy.  But, if you just want something sweet/salty, the 100 calorie packs are convenient and yummy.  I’m just sayin’ that you can eat a single cookie (depending on the cookie) for less than 100 calories, if you really need a fix—and real cookies are usually tastier than the 100 calorie packs.

Step 7: BEWARE THE LOW BLOOD SUGAR MONSTER!!!!

Learn from my fail, peeps, learn from my fail.  If your body is telling you that you need more calories, then eat more calories.  Don’t think you can just muscle your way through it.  If you’re light-headed, if you’re getting “the shakes,” if you’re just being unreasonably cranky and your stomach is shouting “FEED ME SEYMOUR!”…then for Pete’s Dragon’s sake, stop being a moron and EAT SOMETHING.

I’ve learned it’s wise to always have some not-easily-crushable snacks in my purse/bag/car, just in case I don’t have any of my normal food with me and the Low Blood Sugar Monster decides to attack.  (See Appendix…yes…this blog post has an Appendix.  It had a Tonsil once, but I had it removed)

Step 8: Embrace the Truvia!  Embrace it!

Let me take a moment to tell you about how much I love Truvia.  No, they’re not paying me to say this, but they totally should, because I would advertise for them ALL the time.  I’d even wear t-shirts with the Truvia logo, and little Truvia packets for earrings, and I’d wear shoes made out of recycled Truvia boxes.  Hmm...I hope Truvia doesn’t take out a restraining order against me….

Yeah, so if you hadn’t realized it, I love Truvia.  It’s changed my life.  It’s an all natural, no calorie sweetener, which is awesome, because along with being a Calorie Nazi, I’ve also decided to cut out all artificial sweeteners.  Yay me.  Truvia is my new BFF.  It’s made from Stevia, a plant—a sweet tasting no calorie plant of awesomeness—and erythritol, a natural derivative from fruit.  I love Truvia because I can use it without feeling guilty.  I can have sweet tea again!  Oh, sweet tea, how I missed you….

One day, I’m afraid that some health report is going to come out, saying that eating too much Stevia is unhealthy and causes invisibility and/or the tendency to vomit leprechauns…but until then, I’m going to have wild, wild Truvia tea parties, and no one can stop me!

Step 9: Eat Chocolate.

Some dude wrote an article about Stevia (see above) and sweet food cravings.  I couldn’t find a by line, but I know the author of the article was a dude.  I know this because the dude wrote that if a one had enough fresh fruit in a day, then one would never have cravings for chocolate or other sweets. 

A woman would never say that.  The author was definitely a dude.

I’m sorry, but if I was on a diet where I couldn’t eat chocolate, then I’d punch that diet in the face and go eat a carton of ice cream.  If God didn’t want us to enjoy eating, then He wouldn’t have created taste buds.  While a wide variety of foods are enjoyable, there’s nothing wrong with indulging the sweet tooth.  And I mean every day.

The trick to this is to just have a little bit…and to enjoy every bite!  If you want ice cream, eat a half cup of ice cream.  If you want a cookie, eat a cookie.  If you want chocolate, have a piece of chocolate.  If you want a marshmallow, eat a marshmallow—one of my favorite things to do is to toast marshmallows over candles.  It takes several minutes to toast the marshmallow, so I’m not rushing through the experience.  And when I eat chocolate, I’m eating a little bite at a time, savoring it.  So when I’ve eaten my small portion, I don’t feel cheated.  I feel treated.  And I have a great gift for rhyme.  Some of the time.

Step 10: Run, Fatgirl, Run! Or Whatever…

I became a runner by accident.  Last year, one of my bosses told me about a 5K that she was sponsoring.  And because she was sponsoring, I got free registration in the 5K.  I figured, why not?  I hate running, but why not?  I’ve always just stuck with speed walking, but why not?  I look like a limping duck when I try to run, but why not?  Well, the ‘why not’ was because I almost died after running just a half mile.  But for some reason, I stuck with it, and a few weeks later, I was running five miles.  And I liked it.  I became a sicko, a running sicko.  The other day I found out I was getting out of work early, and my first thought?  “YAY!  Now I have time to go running before it gets too dark.”  I’m a sicko, I tell you.

You might not be a running sicko, and that’s okay.  You don’t have to be a running sicko to get exercise.  Do Zoomba (did I even spell that right?).  Do Pilates (not Pontius Pilate…the other type).  Do underwater aerobics.  Do speed walking, if that’s what it takes.  Just find some time to move around more, because honestly the only way to lose weight is to eat less and move around more. 

And I just had the sudden and unpleasant realization that I could have saved you all that reading you just did by saying:

The secret to my weight loss is eating less and moving around more.

The End.

Sorry.

Appendix (Because This Blog Isn’t Long Enough Already):

Breakfast Ideas:

-Quaker Soft Baked Bars: 140 calories. 6 grams of protein.  I would cry if they stopped making these.  I thought they had for a little while, and I almost caused a scene in the grocery store.  They just changed their name.  They used to be called Quaker Life Bars.  For some reason the Quaker company likes to make their consumers almost cause scenes in grocery stores, for they have changed the packaging and/or name of this product three times in the past two years.  But I have forgiven them because their product is freakin’ amazing.  They come in two mindblowing flavors (seriously, my mind is blown every time I eat one): Cinnamon Roll and Banana Nut Bread.  They taste like dessert, but they have lots of vitamins and stuff.  And they’re relatively cheap at under $2.20 for a box of five (at Walmart).  I love them.

-1/2 Peanut Butter and Honey or Jelly Sammich: 150 calories (if made on 50 calorie bread and 180 calorie peanut butter —read labels!)…and just a small dollop of honey or jelly.  I use Walmart brand peanut butter because it’s cheaper and because it has less calories than the other brands.  True story.  For bread, I either use Nature’s Own Whole Wheat (not honey wheat) or the Great Value Walmart Whole Wheat.  Both breads have 50 calories a slice.  There is bread out there with 40 calories a slice, but it’s not whole wheat, and I’m afraid of it.  For jelly, I usually use the Smucker’s low sugar—it only has 25 calories per tablespoon.

-Light Omelet: 140 calories. I use All Whites brand liquid eggs—which is basically just egg whites.  Two servings of that with a ¼ cup 2% shredded cheese is amazing.  I also add a little cilantro, because I have an herb habit.

-Special K and Skim Milk: 150 calories.  I like the kind with the crunchy strawberries.

Lunch Ideas:

-Quaker Soft Baked Bar (see above)

-½ Peanut Butter and Honey or Jelly Sammich (see above)

-Spaghetti Squash: 90 calories for 6 oz of squash.  I love spaghetti squash.  It’s nature’s answer for pasta lovers who can’t have pasta very often.  The squash, when cooked properly, comes off the shell in the form of little noodles.  Of course, it’s no fun to eat the squash without sauce.  I either use spaghetti sauce (Classico’s Ripe Olive and Mushroom is 60 calories per ½ cup), Alfredo Sauce (Market Pantry aka Target Brand Alfredo Sauce is 60 calories per ¼ cup), or Peanut Sauce (Archer Farms aka high class Target Brand Peanut Sauce is 60 calories per 2 tablespoons) w/ a little lemon juice and cilantro for fake pad thai. 

-Turkey Sammich: 140 calories.  Two slices of 50 calorie bread=100 cals.  Two slices of 20 calorie turkey= 40 cals.  Mustard = nada.  Yay Sammich!

Dinner Ideas:

(pair the meats with a serving or two of fresh/frozen veggies) 

-Turkey Burger: 160 calories

-Grilled Chicken: 110 calories

-Tilapia: 100 calories

-Spaghetti Squash w/ sauce: 150 calories

-Progresso Light New England Clam Chowder: About 210 calories per can (2ish servings in can—but who ever eats just one serving of soup??)

-Progresso Light Santa Fe Style Chicken: About 180 calories per can (see above)

-Smart Taste Pasta: 170 for 2 oz. pasta plus 60 more calories for sauce= 230 calories

-Peanut Butter and Honey/Jelly Sammich: 300 calories

Snack Ideas:

--Apple: 70-100 calories.

--Banana: 100-120 calories.

--Carrots: 35 calories per 3 oz.

--Apple Sauce (unsweetened): 50 calories per ½ cup

--Low Sodium V8: 50 calories per 8 oz. (contains 2 servings of veggies!)

--Goldfish crackers (I like the colors b/c the purple ones taste better—true story!  The natural dye is watermelon and beet juice, and it makes the flavor different and yummy): 100 calories for 40 crackers.

--Cucumbers: 15 calories for 100 grams.

--Frozen Peaches: 50 calories for 140 grams.

--Frozen Strawberries: 40 calories for 140 grams.

--I like to mix half a serving of peaches and half a serving of strawberries in a ziplock baggie and leave them in the fridge overnight.  When I’m ready to eat them the next morning, I sprinkle a packet of Truvia over them and eat them right out of the bag.  Soooo good.

--Another word about ziplock baggies.  They are our friends.  When I get veggies, I sometimes have to cut them up.  I used to dread cutting them every single night, but I quickly learned I can set aside one night a week to do all my veggie chopping.  I measure out individual servings (or a couple of servings) into ziplock baggies.  Then I can grab them and go as needed. 

Ideas for Good Protein Snacks:

-Frigo Cheese Heads Light String Cheese: 60 calories, 8 grams of protein

-Egg Whites: 30 calories, 5 grams of protein

-Harris Teeter Naturals Yogurt (I love this because it’s low in calories and still has NO artificial sweeteners) : The Strawberry, Peach, and French Vanilla all have 100 calories and 7 grams of protein.  The Cherry Vanilla and Raspberry Flavors have 130 calories (still not bad) and 7 grams of protein.

-Yoplait Greek Yogurt Cherry Pomegranate Flavor or Coconut: 110 calories for 4 oz. cup, 8 grams protein

-Plain Greek Yogurt makes an excellent veggie dip.  I’ve tried different brands, but most of them are high in protein and low in calorie—especially if you’re just using a tablespoon or so.  Check the labels, because some has less protein than others.

Ideas for Not-Easily-Crushable Emergency Snacks To Ward off Low Blood Sugar Monster:

-100 Calorie Pack Emerald Nuts Almonds

-Archer Farms Organic Fruit Strips- 45 calories

-Quaker Granola Bars - 90 calories for the yummy mint chip cocoa ones

Ideas for Dessert:

-Girl Scout Thin Mints: 80 calories for 2

-Girl Scout Caramel Delights (Samoas): 70 calories each

-Girl Scout Thanks-a-Lot: 75 calories each (taste SO good dunked in decaf coffee)

-Girl Scout Lemonades: 75 calories each

-Marshmallows: 45 calories for 2

-Ice Cream: Lowe’s Foods (if you live where these exist) brand has 90 calorie light ice cream.

-Whoppers: about 11 calories a piece

If you read all of this, wow...you must either be really desperate to lose weight, or you love me a whole lot, or you just really have a lot of time on your hands....  Thanks.

SSA Ep. # 30: The Low Blood Sugar Monster

Today at work, I got really hungry.  I've been dieting all year...and I dieted a lot last year until Thanksgiving and Christmas took over my eating life.  Anyway, I've kind of had a rhythm going.  Breakfast, snack, snack, (late) lunch, snack, snack, dinner, then NO MORE EATING TILL BREAKFAST TOMORROW.  I've known exactly how many calories to eat and exactly when to eat them.

But lately, I've gotten pretty close to my weight loss goal.  I wouldn't mind losing another five or ten pounds (preferably ALL from my tummy and/or thighs).  But I'm starting to notice that my body is changing a little.  It's shifting from "OH HECK YEAH!  LET'S BURN OFF ALL THIS FAT!" mode to "actually, we kind of would like to keep just a little of this fat, if that's okay with you" mode.  What that means is that I'm getting hungrier.  My body is demanding more calories. 

But I'm a creature of habit, and today I just didn't want to deviate from my snack/meal routine.  The problem was, I was at work with a whole lot of little short people (aka children) running around.  And I got hungry.  I got very hungry.

No worries.  This story does NOT end with me eating a child.

But it did end up with me turning into the Low Blood Sugar Monster.  This monster is no where near as fun as the Tickle Monster...or the Hug Monster...or the Brainzzz-Eating Monster.

Yes, today, without warning, I turned into the Low Blood Sugar Monster.  Well, okay...so there were warnings.  For one thing, I was ravenously hungry, and should have, well, eaten something, instead of being so determined to stick to my eating schedule.  Then, I was also ridiculously cold.  I'm usually a pretty hot-natured person, so the fact that I was having to steal a kids' blankie to trap in my body heat should have clued me in that there was a problem.

And then came the really interesting part.  One of the other grown-ups was trying to tell me that one of the kid's parents had come.  I heard her the first time she said it, but I couldn't find the child.  So I started walking towards the front of the room to see if the kid was up there.  The other grown-up kept saying "So-and-so's mom is here" as if I couldn't understand her.  I nodded to let her know I understood.  Again, this grown-up said, "SO-AND-SO'S MOM IS HERE!"

Well, the Low Blood Sugar Monster came out in full force.  "I KNOW!" the Low Blood Sugar Monster growled fiercely.  "I CAN'T FIND SO-AND SO!"

The other grown-up realized that I had transformed from mild-mannered child care professional into a dangerous beast of some sort, and immediately left the lobby area to join me in the play area.  She was probably running an escape plan in her mind..."How do I get the kids away from the evil Miss Ruth without alerting her to my plans?"

Then she pointed.  Little so-and-so whose mom had just arrived was standing directly behind me.

I decided it was time to go have a snack.

Later, after my blood sugar and sanity had returned to somewhat stable levels, the other grown-up described the Low Blood Sugar Monster scene to me from her perspective.  It was frocked with humor.  That's right, I just used the phrase "frocked with humor."  Get over it. 

She described the Low Blood Sugar Monster as looking somewhat like a bag lady, with her hair tossed up into a messy bun and a raggedy child's blanket around her shoulders.  She didn't seem to have a very good grasp of the English language since she didn't realize she was supposed to be getting a child that was standing directly behind her.  When she attempted to communicate, her "words" came out in a series of loud, angry, gutteral growls.  She was like a mental patient.

All in all, I'd say the Low Blood Sugar Monster would be a LOT of fun at parties.

On a side note, when I finally did get my snack, this kid came up and asked me to help him with a Wii game.  I told him this:

"Have your parents ever told you that it's dangerous to disturb an animal while its eating?"

The kid shrugged.  "Yeah."

I smiled sweetly at him and said, "Well, don't disturb me while I'm eating, either.  I will be with you in a moment."

I think I need to start upping my calorie intake, lest the Low Blood Sugar Monster make another appearance.  Hooray for eating more!

SSA Ep. # 25: Would I Have Been in Dumbledore's Army?

Let's pretend Harry Potter is real.

Some people who are reading this might actually be gasping at their computer screens, shouting, "What do you mean PRETEND Harry Potter is real?  OF COURSE Harry Potter is real.  I'm pretty sure the owl who was trying to deliver my Hogwarts letter got eaten by a Kneazle, thus ending my magical education before it even started!!!" 

Ok, so for the sake of sane people, let's pretend that we're JUST pretending Harry Potter is real.  While we're at it, let's pretend that we're pretending Hogwarts is real, too.  Now let's pretend that I got my Hogwarts letter at the age of eleven and was accepted into Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.  We don't have to pretend to pretend that part, because I can assure you, it did NOT happen. 

BUT if it did happen, I would have been Harry Potter's classmate.  I would have been in the same year as him, Ron Weasley, Hermione Granger, Draco Malfoy...you get the idea.  How do I figure that?  According to the death date on Harry's parents' gravestone, they were killed on Oct. 31, 1981.  Harry was a year old when his parents died.  Therefore, Harry Potter was born in 1980.  I was also born in 1980.  So I am the same age as Harry Potter.  (Did you know Harry Potter was 30 years old...almost 31?  The book version is.  Now you know...not that it matters...because MOST of us believe he's not real...).

So let's assume I got my Hogwarts letter and arrived at Hogwarts at the ripe old age of eleven.  I honestly don't remember much about being eleven.  I could barely tie my own shoes, so I'd imagine being on my own in ANY kind of boarding school would be an adventure...so the whole magical thing just takes it to a whole other level.  I'm pretty sure I would have been raised by Muggle parents, pretty much because I WAS raised by Muggle parents.  Well, my mom might be secretly magical...she's kind of awesome like that....

And speaking of my mom, I'm pretty sure a mama's girl like me would have a VERY difficult time adjusting to being away from home.  I would NOT have been placed in Gryffindor.  No, no.  I wouldn't be nearly brave enough.  The Sorting Hat would have taken one look at my cowardly brain and put me in HUFFLEPUFF! 

Back to reality for a moment.  Harry Potter didn't exist until I was almost an adult.  I didn't read any of the books until I was twenty-one, and by that time the fourth book was already out.  In 2001, most good Christian parents were telling their kids to stay away from Harry Potter, saying it was all about witchcraft and evil.  That encouraged me to want to read them (I'm always looking to read things that other Christians call evil--I want to make my own judgments), but I hadn't made the effort yet.  My good Christian parents?  They read the books and told me I HAD to read them.  They put the books into my hands and left me for a weekend to go visit my sister.

I mentally devoured those first four books within the span of three days.  From that time on, I was a Potterhead.  There was no going back.  I imagine that if I had gotten my hands on those books as a I teenager, I would have had wild fantasies about living at Hogwarts.  Shoot, I had wild fantasies about living at Hogwarts even in my 20s...but by that time I think I'd mellowed a little.  See, when I was a teenager, I latched on to whatever fantasy I could.  I did this because my reality pretty much sucked. 

A lot of that was my fault.  I realize that now.  And if anyone from my high school years ever reads this, please accept my apologies for being an arrogant brat.  People didn't like me, but I didn't exactly give them reason to like me.  I thought I was better than everyone, and I'm sure that attitude came out in my actions.

So yeah, I was unpopular.  I was a social misfit.  I still am, but it seems like I fit in better now.  I guess everyone else is a social misfit, too.  My attitude is a lot better now, at any rate.  But my teenage years were so uncomfortable that I sought escape.  I'm a little embarrassed to admit that my favorite fantastical escape was Star Trek.  It was bad....

But I can't help but think that I would have fantasized about Hogwarts if the books had been available when I was fourteen.  I would have imagined myself learning magical spells and going on wild adventures, facing Dementors and Death Eaters, and maybe even fighting Voldemort, himself.  The thing of it is, now that I'm older and wiser, I realize that things would not have gone like that at all.

I would have been just as unpopular at Hogwarts as I was in the real world.  I probably wouldn't have been friends with Ron or Harry.  I mean, getting to hang out with Luna Lovegood and Neville Longbottom would have been a step up for me.  I might have gotten along, to some degree, with Hermione. 

I even dressed up as Hermione Granger (complete with Crookshanks) for Halloween one year.

I always did well in class, so maybe Hermione would have been nice to me.  But I doubt we would have hung out socially...except for maybe the occasional study group. 

Oh wait...I always preferred to study alone.  I probably would have only left my common room for class and meal times.

And speaking of meal times, they would have been EXTREMELY detrimental to my health and social status.  I was a chunky child and a chunky teenager.  Well, the Great Hall is kind of like a magical All-You-Can-Eat buffet three times a day...and I'm pretty sure pumpkin juice wasn't that healthy.  I'm not picturing just plain old juice from a healthy pumpkin--I'm picturing liquid pumpkin pie complete with a large dollop of cool whip.  I mean, theoretically speaking, the magical food might have had some kind of calorie reducing enchantment...but I doubt it.  I would have gained even more weight at a school like Hogwarts...which would make me less popular.

And I doubt I would have mad magical skills.  Considering the fact that I was fifteen before I learned how to ride a bike and that it took me THREE tries before I got my driver's license, I'm pretty sure that broom riding would NOT be my very special talent.  And even though I understand Quidditch better than MOST sports, I probably would have not understood it enough to enjoy it.  So while the house teams were playing Quidditch and all the other students were down cheering, I'd have probably snuck up to my common room to fantasize about living in a non-magical world or something.

I also would probably suck at Potions class because, well, I can't cook.  And Defense Against the Dark Arts?  No way.  I'm pretty sure my Patronus would be a grub worm or something lame.  That wouldn't scare off any Dementors.  But...then I'd have more excuses to eat chocolate...which again...bad for my waistline and popularity.

The only place where I might have succeeded magically would have been Divinations class...but that's mainly because I like tea.

I have a feeling I'd be a Squib.

And when Voldemort came back, I'd probably just go home and hide with my non-magical parents while Harry Potter and his friends saved the day.  I wouldn't have followed spiders into the Forbidden Forest.  I wouldn't have fought for the freedom of house elves.  I wouldn't have tried to enter the Triwizard Tournament.  I wouldn't have trained in Dumbledore's Army.  I would have sat in my room wishing that my life were different...because the gillyweed is always greener on the other side of the Black Lake.

I would be a Hufflepuff, and that fact used to depress me a lot.  That's because I didn't understand how awesome Hufflepuffs are.  If I had been in Hogwarts as a teenager, I wouldn't have understood how awesome Hufflepuffs are, either.  I didn't realize Hufflepuffs were awesome until fairly recently.

I used to see Hufflepuffs as the left-overs.  If you weren't evil enough to be in Slytherin, or smart enough to be in Ravenclaw, or brave enough to be in the coveted Gryffindor, then the Sorting Hat would just throw you into Hufflepuff: The Leftover House.

But that's not a true representation of a Hufflepuff.  Cedric Diggory (before Voldemort turned him into a sparkly vampire) was in Hufflepuff.  What was so awesome about Cedric Diggory?  What's so awesome about most Hufflepuffs?  They're honest.  They're fair.  They're compassionate.  They're encouraging.  They work hard, and they care about others.  Eventually, and probably years after I graduated fair Hogwarts, I would have realized that being a Hufflepuff is a great honor.  That's when I would have known the truth that my life was just as it should be...that there was no fantasy greater than the reality of my magical life!

...but we're just pretending, remember?

SSA: Ep. #24: Exercising Patience

If you've read any of my previous blogs, you might have caught on to the fact that I don't always play well with others. I think this is one of the reasons I got picked last (or next to last--there was that kid who smelled like cabbage) for all organized games. Also, I was probably picked last because I pretty much suck at sports.

Maybe this is why I'm one of those people who likes to exercise solo. I'm not one of those team sports sort of people. I'm not one of those group walking people. I'm not going to tell you which kind of person I am...because I already told you, and I repeat myself too much as it is.

The only exception to my rule of not liking to exercise with others is when I'm walking in some kind of event--like a 5k. Then, the more the merrier. We're walking for a cause and the togetherness is actually pretty cool. But exercising in general? I want to do it all by myself, Mommy.

Some people are the type that get a lot of encouragement or whatever in walking or jogging with others. I don't understand this. I guess it's nice to have a buddy to hold you accountable or make you feel safe. Other than that, I just really can't think of an upside.

Perhaps there are those who want someone with them so they won't be alone. They want someone to talk with. Okay, but when I'm exercising, I'm usually out of breath. Talking isn't the easiest of activities. I don't really like having to converse between gasps. Also, I kind of like having a good hour or whatever to myself to just think. Usually, my thought processes involve conversations with myself about why I would be a gurlymahn if I didn't keep running another few feet, but still...


I have these ridiculously short legs, too. So it takes me more energy than a long legged person to move my legs. My stride takes two steps for a normal-lengthed-leg person to take one step. So I'm always feeling like my pace is too slow for the other person's. Either that, or I end up walking with someone who doesn't get the concept that I'm walking for exercise. They stroll. I don't like strollers...except for the ones that hold cute kids. Cute kids are awesome.


And I actually DO like walking for exercise while pushing a stroller with a cute kid, but I don't get as many opportunities as I'd like...anyone wanna hire me to push their kid in a stroller? I'm game.



Another thing I really don't like when exercising is interruptions. This is why I don't cross any main intersections while walking or jogging. I don't want to wait for traffic. (Also, I really just HATE crossing the street when there's a lot of traffic. I couldn't handle living in New York. I walk out of my way to avoid busy intersections if at all possible....I may eventually write a blog about my fear of crossing the street). I am fortunate enough to live right next to this beautiful stretch of road with all these old historic houses and such. It's a fantastic place to walk/jog. I am sure that both sides of the street are equally beautiful, but I've only spent a great deal of time on one of them. I run up the sidewalk, and instead of crossing the street, I turn around and run back down the same sidewalk. Usually, this isn't a problem, but I've accidentally almost ran into some other runners. The "oh, we're about to run into each other, so both of us better move out of the way at the same time and in the same direction dance" is even more awkward when you and the other runner are moving really fast.


And I'm not sure if I can say "other runner" because I'm only "a runner" in the technical sense. Sometimes I run. Therefore I am a runner. I can barely run a mile (and sometimes I don't even get that far) without stopping to walk. My running is an odd combination of walking, jogging, and running. So I guess I'm more of a waljogner.


Crossing the road is not the only interruption I've encountered. At least once a week, I run into (almost literally) the crowd of teenagers that doesn't seem to understand that they don't own the sidewalk. I've learned not to expect them to move. I just run around them now, and usually they act like I'm not even there. Maybe I'm invisible to teenagers. Shrug.



Another time, back when I was in college, I had these two Jehovah's Witnesses stop me while I was walking. Dude. I don't care who you are or what your business is. I don't care if it's broad daylight and in a nice neighborhood. It is NEVER okay for two men to approach a lady on the street when she is alone. Maybe if I were a better Christian or something, I would have tried to them about what I believe about Jesus and the Bible, but all I said to them was, "Um, I'm actually trying to exercise here...." And I kept walking. They didn't follow me.



Just to redeem myself a little, I would like to point out that the other day, I actually interrupted myself. There was this elderly lady walking a St. Bernard. Yeah. Not a good combination. Another dog barked, the St. Bernard was startled, and the St. Bernard started dragging the lady down the street. She regained control after getting really shaken up, but I stopped to make sure she was okay. The dog looked up at me, and I realized it thought it was a puppy. That was the biggest puppy I've ever seen, and I told him so. And he drooled, cuz that's what St. Bernards do.


Yeah. I kind of have my own way of exercising, and it's apparently working for me. I'm sure I'd benefit more from a personal trainer or whatever, but I've lost almost 20 pounds since January--and I have lost almost 50 pounds since I decided I was going to lose weight the first time. I'm skinnier than I was when I was a teenager. Which leads me to wonder why there are some people out there who still feel the need to give me diet and exercise advice. Or people try to sell me a gym membership. The reason I bought a used ellpitical (named Jerkface) was so I wouldn't have to go pay to use someone else's elliptical while other people were ellipitcalling all around me. Oh well. I've learned to nod and smile a lot.




Nodding and smiling probably burns a few calories, so I shouldn't complain.

SAA Ep. #20: Calorie Nazi

I have a bad habit of slipping into bad habits (see what I did there?). Recently, I discovered another bad habit I picked up. Oddly enough, it was a bad habit that came out of a good habit. My problem, as usual, is that I am seldom able to find a good balance. If I'm to succeed in something, I usually have to be super disciplined. Sometimes, this discipline spills over into my social life and starts annoying people.

Last year, I started counting calories because I decided I was sick of being fat. Sure, I fell off the wagon for a while...and gained back a lot of weight over Thanksgiving and Christmas, but I picked it back up again for the obligatory New Year's Resolutions. It works for me, but as I said, I have to be super disciplined. None of this "moderation" stuff works for me. I mean, I can limit myself to a couple of pieces of chocolate a day--I guess that's moderate. But if I were to go to a buffet--especially one with a dessert bar, we'd have a problem. I don't know when to say no, so I have to tell myself no beforehand.

And that means I have to know the calories in everything I eat before I eat it.

So last week one of my preschool kids had a birthday party, and the mom brought donuts...and not just any donuts. Krispy Kremes, the ONE DONUT TO RULE THEM ALL. I was going to politely refuse, but the mom put the beautiful donut on a plate and handed it to me. I had to accept. I took one bite, just one bite, of the glazed Precious. Oh, but once I had tasted the Donut of Power, I could not stop. Was I consuming it, or was it consuming me?

I skipped my lunch and one of my snacks that day to compensate, and the SECOND I got home, I turned on the computer and Googled "glazed Krispy Kreme donut calories." I had to know how much damage I had done.

Turns out, the Donut of Power was only 30 calories over the protein bar I was going to eat for lunch. It fit fairly easily into my diet. It fit so easily that I went back and had ANOTHER donut on Sunday. I'll probably go back and have another one sometime this week. Sure, there's very little protein or anything else healthy about a donut, even if the calories are relatively low, but Ruthums wants her Precioussss.

Don't start calling me Ruthums.

So anyway, when I looked up the calorie info for the donut, my roommate was sitting nearby. I started telling her about how many calories were in different kinds of donuts. Apparently, this stuff fascinates me now. I'd probably rattled off the calorie info for about seven different kinds of donuts before she finally said, "Ruth. Stop. Nobody cares."

She is right. Nobody cares. Except for me. It's because I've turned into a calorie nazi, and I didn't even realize it. Without any warning whatsoever, I can change from socially awkward superhero into a calorie counting nazi jerkface that annoys you by making you actually think about what you're eating.

I've even developed an unhealthy relationship with healthy spaghetti squash. Why? Because 9 ounces only has about 100 calories, and there's so much you can do with it. Seriously, I'm eating it like five nights a week now. Sunday, I put some 60 calorie spaghetti sauce on it. Yesterday, I also put spaghetti sauce on it (I love spaghetti). Tonight, I really shook things up and put peanut sauce on it--I even mixed in some chopped up spaghetti squash seeds to make it seem like there were peanuts in my squash noodles.

9 ounces of real pasta has a lot more than 100 calories in it, but you probably don't care.

My birthday is coming up, and I'm not even going to be able to get over my calorie nazi-ness for that. The family I sit/nanny for wants to take me out for a birthday dinner--already my brain is screaming, "OH NO! Where can I go? What can I eat? Calories are everywhere!" I want to try one of those Chick-fil-a banana pudding milkshakes on my birthday, but I know how many calories are in it and I'm going to have to share it with someone. I'm not even talking halves. I'm only drinking 1/3 of that bad boy. I want to go do something with my friends for my birthday, but I am terrified of anything that has to do with calories I'm not in control of.

...is this sad and pathetic? Probably.

...but at least my jeans fit...

...actually, they're a little loose.

I call it the donut diet (don't I wish...).

(Just so you know, I didn't include the number of calories in the Donut of Power because I figure that most people just don't want to know. If you know, then you can go Google it yourself. I mean, what do I look like? Your personal Google Slave? Sheesh.)

Socially Awkward Adventure #2: Questing Burns Calories

The Princess (one of the girls I take care of) is turning six. When I asked The Princess what The Princess wanted for her birthday, The Princess requested a "Webkinz that looks like a horse."

Today, I embarked on a quest for a "Webkinz that looks like a horse."

The mall was my first stop. The mall is a great source of socially awkard adventure opportunities. I remember one happy occurrance a year or two ago when one of the kiosk dudes (who seemed quite adamant that I couldn't live another day without a hair straightener) FOLLOWED ME through the mall. Social Awkwardness ensued! So I knew that going to the mall today was going to be an exciting experience, no matter what.

I went to the mall because I knew of a toy store at the mall that might have a Webkinz--perhaps even a "Webkinz that looks like a horse." I went after church. The mall stores don't open until 12, and it wasn't 12 yet. So I wandered aimlessly through the mall. It was then I discovered that my destination, said toy store, no longer existed. One of those weird athletic logo stores had taken its place. Needless to say, this store did not have any "Webkinz that look like a horse" or any other type of Webkinz.

After doing some more aimless wandering through a few mall stores (I think Mall Security thought I was up to something), I realized that none of the stores had any "Webkinz that look like a horse." It is strange that whenever I'm NOT looking for Webkinz, they seem to be everywhere; when I AM looking for Webkinz, they are elusive. I think Webkinz must be magical and evil and tricksy.

So I abandoned my search in the mall and drove around to about three or four other potential locations. One had Webkinz, but none that looked like horses. Another was closed. Another was supposed to be open, but they were closed just especially for today so they could do inventory. QUESTING THWARTED! DENIED! REJECTED!

Sooooo....I came home without fulfilling my quest, but I feel as though I burned plenty of calories in my endeavors. I'm sure that counts for something. I'll try questing again later. I will try to capture the evasive "Webkinz that looks like a horse," but I fear my ventures will prove useless. The Princess might not get a "Webkinz that looks like a horse."

I'm sure it will scar her for life.