Public Service Announcement: When Zombies Attack

In light of recent events in the eastern USA, I feel the need to post a good solid list of emergency plans, you know, just in case an earthquake, hurricane, and zombie attack happen in the same week.  I hear you skeptics laughing, saying THAT could never happen, but two out of three DID happen.  And who's to say that the zombie attack isn't coming?  Maybe the zombies are already here.  Maybe you stop reading this blog and go lock your doors.  But, seriously, is a locked door going to really stand in the way of a brainz-cravin' zombie?  I don't think so.  Plus, I really don't want you to stop reading my blog.  Ever.

So here it is, my Five Step Zombie Attack Escape Plan.

Step 1: Learn How To Run

Back in February, I started running.  Sure, I claimed it was because I got free entry into a 5K to support my boss' tweenage daughter in her self-esteem promoting running group, but that wasn't the real reason.  I wanted to get better at running so I'd stand a good chance when the zombies inevitably attacked. 

Zombies are relentless.  Relentless, I tell you.  They want brainz and they're going to stop at nothing to get them.  You can't reason with them, and it's not a good idea to try to fight them.  There are those who will tell you that zombies can be defeated by fire or axes or a couple solid rounds from a machine gun...or that if you plant a garden of sunflowers, peashooters, and fighting mushrooms you can adequately protect your home (and, subsequently, your brainz) from zombies.  Maybe these people had some non-video game type experience that would lead them to believe this.  But I'm pretty sure that if the zombies attack, running is the very best option. The zombies may be relentless, but they're not very fast.  They kind of...lumber.  And moan.  While they're lumbering.

I'm not a fast runner and probably never will be, but that doesn't matter.  Even the slowest jogging is faster than the zombies' lumbering.  So the key to running from the zombies is endurance.  You don't have to run all that quickly.  You just have to keep it up for a while.

Step 2: Know How to Identify Other Fleeing Runners

In my running experience, I've discovered that there are many different types of runners/joggers/walkers.  First, you have the Marathoner.  These people know how to run.  Through a combination of intense training and mad skillz, they can run very quickly for a long time.  These are the people who finish FIRST in marathons, while people like me would just be happy to be able to just finish a HALF marathon at all.  These are NOT people you want to befriend in your preparation for the upcoming zombie attack.  In fact, you will want to stay away from them at all costs.

Another kind of runner/jogger/walker is the Large Family Group.  These are the people who feel the need to take their entire extended family and all their neighbors for a walk at the same time.  Imagine the Duggar family taking a leisurely stroll, blocking the entire sidewalk.  At first, the Large Family Group seems quite innocent.  After all, the Large Family Group is made up of such cute little children with big brown eyes.  Do not let them fool you.  While there might be safety in numbers, the Large Family Group can be a dangerous obstacle to your flee from the zombie attackers.  Use your brainz and plan ahead!  If a Large Family Group happens across your path, IMMEDIATELY plan a way around them, taking an alternate route, if possible.  Do not find yourself fighting through a Large Family Group, because, as I said, there is safety in numbers.  That seemingly sweet, adorable, and loving Large Family Group will feed you to the zombies in a heartbeat, just so they will have more time to escape. 

Another kind of runner/jogger/walker is the Chatty Cathy.  You know the type.  They pass you on the sidewalk and feel the need to say something friendly and witty to you.  Do they notice that you're running, out of breath, unable to utter an intelligible reply?  Probably.  They just want to lure you into a false sense of security as they start running alongside you.  While it might seem like a good idea to make allies in the zombie attack, this is not the type of ally you want.  If another runner has enough breath to attempt to carry on a conversation while running, then I suspect they are a Marathoner in disguise.  And Marathoners are to be avoided at all costs.

Then there are runners like me.  I'll call my type of runner the Wannabe Marathoner.  I suspect most people who call themselves runners fall into this category.  We aren't too fast and never will be.  We just know how to run quickly enough to beat the zombies, and we know how to keep it up for a while.  It might be a good idea to find another Wannabe Marathoner to be an ally in the event of a zombie attack, but there are better options.

The last two types of runners/joggers/walkers are the Sprinters and the Walkers.  The sprinters can run, but only in short bursts.  They usually aren't even all that fast.  Most of them are able to run for a very short distance (not even half a mile) before they run out of steam.  While this might save them from the zombies, for a time, their lack of endurance is bound to exhaust them, leaving them at the mercy of the zombies.

The Walkers are those who can't even run and don't want to try.  Speed walking is their only defense, but you never know if those zombies know how to speed lumber.  And moan.

Step 3: Form an Alliance With Someone Who Runs Slower than You

If you're a Large Family Group, then move along.  You don't need to form an alliance.  You ARE an alliance!  If you're a Marathoner or a Chatty Cathy, then you have a lot of options.  If you're a Wannabe Marathoner, then you'd better stick with a Sprinter (preferably a slow Sprinter) or a Walker.  If you are a Sprinter or a Walker, then immediately proceed to Step 5, because Step 4 will only make you sad.

Step 4: Feed Your Ally* to the Zombies

Running with people slower than you is a great idea.  If the zombies get too close, a well timed trip or push will send your ally and his/her brainz into the clutches of the zombies, thus giving you time to escape and form more deceitful alliances.

*Large Family Groups, your best bet is to catch a runner who doesn't know he/she should try to run around you.  Use your childrens' epic cuteness powers to lure runners into your midst.  Once a lone runner (or two) is there, surround them and wait for the opportune time.  When the zombies come, you'll know what to do.

Step 5: Red Jello

There's nothing zombies love better than some tasty, tasty brainz.  In fact, there's nothing zombies like at all other than some tasty, tasty brainz.  So run.  But if for some reason, the zombies still catch you, it's still not a good idea to fight.  I mean, sure, a chainsaw MIGHT hold them off a bit, but how practical is it to carry a chainsaw whilst running from zombies?  Seriously.  You watch too many movies.

Instead, you should always carry with you a small disposable container of red jello.  Zombies are relentless, hungry, and just plain mean, but they're also quite stupid.  The average zombie doesn't know the difference between brainz and red jello until it eats said red jello.  Tossing red jello into the midst of a group of zombies that is trying to eat your brainz might confuse them just long enough for you to make an escape.  And if the zombies DON'T catch you, hey...you've got yourself a bowl of delicious red jello!  Enjoy!

DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT attempt this with any other jello color or flavor.  Zombies are dumb, but they know the difference between green jello and brainz, okay?  Okay.

So there you have it, my Five Step Zombie Attack Escape Plan.  Feel free to distribute this to your friends, as long as you give me proper credit.  I mean, a socially awkward super hero deserves some props.