SAA Ep. #63: A Space for Every Car, and Every Car in its Space

A friend came up to me at church the other night and said, “Hey! I noticed you actually parked in a different parking space tonight. Good job!”

Now, granted, this friend of mine is a pretty odd character, but even with his peculiarities, I thought it strange to be praised for something as mundane as having parked in a different parking spot than usual.

Yeah, only I didn’t park in a different spot than usual. I found myself explaining to my odd friend that I have a usual “Sunday morning parking spot” and a usual “Sunday night parking spot.” I went on to give him such superfluous information as, “My Sunday night parking spot is also the parking spot I use on days when I teach at the church’s preschool program,” and “I park in a different spot on Sunday mornings because more people come, and I like to park further away so that families and old people can get better parking spaces,” and “Last Sunday night I parked in my Sunday morning spot because we were having a church meeting, and I thought more people would come to that, so I wanted to free up more good spaces.”

My friend, odd as he is, blinked at me. I think it was because I was the odder one in that particular situation. Tee hee! Odder sounds like otter! I like otters.

Ahem.

So, after leaving church, I had to go to Walmart for a few things. I also planned on getting gasoline at the Walmart gas station. So when I pulled into the Walmart parking lot, I pulled into my “I’m going to get gasoline after I shop” parking spot, as opposed to my “quickest way to get out of the parking lot” space. And I had the sudden realization that I have usual parking places almost everywhere I go. In fact, in most cases, I have two (or more) usual parking spaces.

I also drove to Target after getting gas at Walmart, and I pulled into my “I’m coming from this direction” parking space instead of my “I’m coming from this other direction” parking space.

After doing all my shopping, I drove back to my apartment, where I pulled into my “it looks and feels as though it might frost a little overnight, so I’ll try to position my car in a way that my tall apartment building doesn’t block the first warm rays of the slowly rising sun” space as opposed to my “I’m lazy and just want the space closest to my apartment door” space, and as opposed to my “I’m feeling generous and charitable to the neighbors that live in the apartment building next to mine and want to give them a closer parking space, even though they snub me and their yippy dog poops next to my porch” space, and as opposed to my “HOLY CRAP are ALL MY NEIGHBORS having a party at the SAME TIME? Why is the only space left the stinky one next to the dumpster that is hard to back out of on account of the aforementioned dumpster?” space.

I thought about it a little, and I also have multiple parking spaces at work. I either park in the “this is my space” parking space or the “OH NOES! Kara took my space so I’ll park in this other space” space.

Okay, I admit it. It’s a little quirky. I mean, growing up, my parents always just tried to get the parking space that was closest to whatever building we were trying to enter. I think most people live by that kind of logic. Most people base their parking spot decision on what will allow them quickest access to the building. This doesn’t require any strategy or planning. And why should it? It’s just something simple—parking a car.

Yeah, but I’m me. I make everything a little more complicated, a little more awkward, and a little more fun! My parking thought processes are a little different. Usually, I’m thinking, “What parking space will allow me easiest exit from the parking lot?” My way of thinking actually requires quite a bit of planning and strategy, which, yes, makes me odd.

And things are about to get otter odder.

Here’s how I go about selecting a good parking spot:

1) Ain’t Too Proud to Walk

When I go to Walmart or church (on a Sunday morning), I park pretty far away from the door. Do you know how long it takes me to cross the entire parking lot of my church? About 20 seconds. Do you know how long it takes me to cross the entire parking lot of Walmart? Probably about 45 seconds. Now, I can understand that if you have three kids in tow, or if you have arthritis in both knees, you might want to park a little closer. It’s just that I see relatively young and healthy individuals fight over the closer parking spots, hoping to save a little bit of time and effort. They spend far more time and gas and energy trying to find a close parking spot than they would if they just parked a little further away and walked an extra few yards.

At Walmart, I park far away, but I make sure I’m also parking next to one of those grocery cart return thingies. It irks me when people don’t return their carts to those cart return thingies. The only way I can justify not returning a cart would be if zombies attacked Walmart. If zombies attack Walmart, by all means, roll your cart at them and run like the dickens.  (I'm not sure where the saying "the dickens" came from, but if a zombie Charles Dickens were chasing me, I doubt I'd be running like the dickens.  I'd be like, "HEY!  You're an undead Charles Dickens!  Can I have your autograaaaaaaaaaufhghg!?" And he would eat my brainz.  I'd be honored to have Charles Dickens eat my brainz, by the way.)

2) Only Back It Up Back It Up When Absolutely Necessary

The bane of my parking lot existence is those little concrete barriers they put between two parking spaces that are lined up in the same little row. I like it when I can pull my car into one space and just drive it on through to the space across from it so that the front of my car is facing the opening of the space. No backing up necessary! I use these convenient spaces whenever humanly possible…even if it means I have to park further away from the building (see #1).

3) Circumnavigate the Globe Lot

One of the easiest ways to slow down the entry into or exit from a parking lot is to go where pedestrians typically cross. Whenever possible, I go around the parking lot instead of through it. It might seem like a waste of time and gas to go a longer distance around a parking lot, but nine times out of ten, if I take the shorter distance to where more pedestrians are, I have to stop multiple times to avoid hitting someone, which wastes time and gasoline. On a related note, as a person who likes to walk across parking lots, I take great delight in making cars stop for me as I enter the “crossing zone.” Fools shoulda gone around the other way….

4) Permanent Parking

I’m not one of those people who gets upset if someone parks in my space (like that parking tyrant Kara). I’m not that possessive of public property, okay. It’s just not that big of a deal to me if I don’t park in the same place every time—I just prefer to have consistency in my parking spaces. I am a creature of habit that doesn’t like change, but there’s a greater reason why I typically like to park in the same general places.

It has happened to all of us. We leave a store and realize that we can’t remember where we parked. I really don’t know how I ever survived before I got a car with a remote. As embarrassing as it can be, sometimes it’s just necessary to click the don't panic button on the remote so that I can locate my beeping and flashing car in a crowded parking lot.

The other day I was walking towards a car that looked just like mine. Same color, same features—sunroof and spoiler and everything. It wasn’t until I tried to unlock the door that I realized it wasn’t mine. Mine was located a few feet behind it, and I didn’t realize it until the headlights came on—on the car behind the one I was trying to unlock. It kind of freaked me out a little. I think someone parked that car so close to mine just to mess with my head. …they’re out to get me, I tell you….

Yeah, so everyone misplaces their cars, but I’ve found that the chances of it happening are much less if one parks in the same space (or general area) every time they visit a particular parking lot. Knowing where your car is without having to think about it is always a good thing. It speeds up the exiting of the parking lot, and you don’t end up looking like an idiot because you don’t know where you put your car. Win-Win.



You can judge me for my quirky behavior if you want, but the way I see it, there’s nothing wrong with having a “Parking Lot Plan.” There’s nothing wrong with having a “Parking Lot Entrance and Exit Strategy.” There’s nothing wrong with having a usual parking space, along with a backup space or two. There’s nothing wrong with being extra prepared when it comes to those awkward parking situations.

I mean, haters gonna hate, but we’ll see who gets out of the parking lot first when the zombies attack Walmart. ...with otters....