SAA Ep. #35: One of the Guys

I had two best friends in kindergarten.  Their names were Michael and David.  Now, David moved away the summer after kindergarten, which is unfortunate, because according to my parents, I was going to marry one of them (Michael was out of the question because it was later discovered that he had "the cooties").  So thanks a lot for moving away, David.  Now I'm a spinster with a shriveling womb happily single.

Yeah, so, apparently, I talked about Michael and David nonstop.  They were my friends.  My buddies.  Mis amigos.  We did everything together.  It only got awkward a few times--like that Halloween, when I had the audacity to dress up like a GROSS My Little Pony.  That was almost enough to ruin our friendship.  That and the time I did a chalk picture of a rainbow with pretty little butterflies...but I digress.

For most of my life, I've gotten along better with guys than I have with other girls.  I'm not exactly sure why this is.  I don't really consider myself more masculine than other girls (although I did opt for taking Woodshop in high school instead of Home Ec Life Skills--that was actually a mistake, because now I think Life Skills would be more useful than knowing how to make a wooden race car--which I actually kind of sucked at) but I do know that I have a guy sense of humor.  I know this from years of experience of watching funny movies in mixed company.  The scenes I find funny are the scenes the guys find funny.  The scenes the other girls find funny aren't really all that funny to me.  And by the way, I'd rather watch a movie with a gazillion explody things than a chick flick.  I generally can't stand chick flicks.  There are a few I like, but only one that I LOVE (While You Were Sleeping).  The rest make me want to punch a baby unicorn.

I also like to punch things.  Or talk about punching things.  Same difference.  Unless you're my friend Amos.

And I've only had one boyfriend...ever...(probably because I punch things) and that wasn't until I was in my mid twenties.  That's not because I don't like guys.  I'm not exactly sure why guys never seemed to want to date me.  In fact, I'm not even exactly sure if guys didn't want to date me.  I have some kind of problem where I can't tell when a guy is hitting on me unless he is being VERY clear.  I look back on times in my high school years where guys were definitely asking me out, and I innocently thought they were just kidding around.  So I joked back and inadvertently rejected them.  Aww.  Now, there were other guys I knowingly rejected because they were clear enough to say, "I AM ACTUALLY ASKING YOU OUT, HERE" and I told them no...because they had "the cooties." 

But I do remember the first true female best friend I had.  She was at the first college I attended.  We did pretty much everything together.  Well, she and I were walking somewhere, and one of our mutual guy friends came up to us.  He ranted and raved about how great she looked.  He gave her a huge hug.  Then he said, "Hey, Ruth" as if it were an afterthought--which it probably was.  And I called him on it by saying, "So you give her all this attention and all I get is a 'Hey, Ruth'?"  I'll never forget his reply.  If you are a guy and are reading this (Amos), then pay attention.  You never.  Ever.  EVER. say this to a girl.  EVER.

He said, "Aw, come on.  You're just one of the guys."

I didn't punch him...but I thought about it.

It wasn't until I transferred to my second college that I came into a great group of guy friends who seemed to understand that females need to be treated like ladies.  That was a nice change from what I had been used to all my life.  But I still liked being around guy friends more than girls.

And it's really awkward these days because the older I get, the less single guy friends there seem to be.  I do have a few, but even they are all dropping like flies by getting engaged or entering into serious relationships with some of my female friends.  Funny how that happens to everyone besides me--but it's okay, because if any of them hit on me, I'd punch them in the face (that means YOU, Amos). 

And I really don't mind being friends with couples, but there are boundaries there that I completely agree with (such as, try not to be alone with a man who's married to someone who isn't you).  If I'm friends with the guy, then I'm gonna have to be friends with his wife.  So I have to be friends with the whole couple.  I'm not complaining so much as just stating how weird it all is to me who is still in that "It would be nice to go hang out with a group of guys" frame of mind.  At my age, there don't seem to be any groups of guys left for me to hang out with--unless I wanted to crash the men's conference at church.  I...uh...don't think that would be cool.  But I  know beyond the shadow of a doubt that I would like it better than a women's conference.  I can't even walk past the decorations for those things.  Doily tablecloths and flowers make me angry.  GRR.

But yeah, I guess I'm pretty blessed at this stage of my life to have a lot of couples who don't mind me third-wheeling their marriages from time to time....

Well, it's been about fifteen minutes since I punched something, so I'd better cut this blog short and go find me a baby unicorn.

Embarrablast From the Past Episode # 7: The Surprise Birthday Party

As my 31st birthday inevitably approaches (sigh), I feel the need to post this...just in case.

When I was a little girl, I never had birthday parties with friends. My mom always just made a cake for the family and we ate ice cream and I received presents. I didn't live in this world that most kids seem to live in now--if you don't have a HUGE party for your kids EVERY year, you're apparently a bad parent. I am not picking on my parents. I enjoyed my childhood birthdays. Still, there was a part of me that secretly longed for someone, anyone, to throw me a surprise party.

The surprise parties I saw on the stupid 80's sitcoms all seemed so much fun. I wanted for people to hide, then jump out and shout "SURPRISE!" as soon as I showed up.

And then I grew up.

In my life, I have had two surprise birthday parties. Both were while I was at college. Both were...less than ideal.

Now the first one was actually fun, but it didn't turn out as planned. It wasn't my plans that were ruined, because I wasn't the one who planned anything. But about a week or so before my birthday, I started having some suspicions that someone was planning a party for me. I don't know why I started thinking this. The ions just seemed to be off; the stars were misaligned. I knew. Somehow I knew.

So I told the roommate I had at the time, "Roommate, I think someone is planning me a surprise party. I don't know who, but I know someone is planning it." That roommate and I got along really well, but we weren't extremely close friends. I figured she would be able to keep a secret that I knew someone else's secret.

My birthday arrived and my suspicions became even more confirmed. My friends (who all knew it was my birthday) completely ignored the fact that it was my birthday. That's something people only do when they are trying to hide the fact that they're going to suprise you later. I mean, that's classic 80's sitcom. Classic.

So again, I said to my roommate, "Roommate, I am pretty sure that someone is throwing me a surprise party."

And then this girl who I sorta kinda knew, but not really, called me up and said, "Hey, do you want to come down to the student center later and hang out?"

I said, "Why? We have never really hung out like that before?"

She said, "Oh, I just thought it would be fun to spend some time with you. Can you meet me at the student center at...say 6:30 sharp?"

Yeah. I knew exactly what was going on. She was the bait. She was the lure to get me down to the student center where my surprise party was to be held.

So I turned to my roommate. "Roommate, I'm absolutely CERTAIN that someone is throwing me a surprise party!"

My roommate sighed heavily. "Yes, Ruth. Someone is throwing you a surprise party. It's me. Are you happy, now?"

D'oh.

I went to the student center at 6:30. I acted surprised. I had a great time with my friends, and all in all, it was a fantastic party and a fantastic birthday. But to this day, I still feel guilty for figuring out my roommate's secret and THEN being stupid enough to tell her about it.

The second surprise party I had was on my 25th birthday. At this point, I had already learned from previous mistakes. I told all my friends multiple times that I did NOT under any circumstances want a suprise party...or a party of any kind. What I wanted on my birthday was to spend some time with my boyfriend.

Only my boyfriend spent most of the day ignoring me. I was already depressed about turning 25. I was not feeling well that day. Then, my boyfriend ignored me all day. He didn't meet me for lunch like I asked him to. He didn't meet me for dinner. So I had a serious case of the grumps by about 7:00 that night.

My friends came by to cheer me up. "Ruth, why don't you get out of your room. It's your birthday! Come down to the student center with us and have some fun!"

"No," I said firmly. "It's my birthday, my boyfriend has ignored me all day, and I can be miserable if I want to." (You would cry too, if it happened to you...)

"Really, we don't want you to be stuck in your room," they implored. "Come down to the student center with us. We can play pool or watch movies or whatever you want. Just don't sit all alone in your room."

"No," I said again. "I want to be left alone."

Finally, they realized I wasn't going to come with them. So one of my friends said, "Okay, Ruth, we wanted this to be a surprise, but we're having a party for you, so you kind of have to come to the student center with us. Now. We're late."

D'oh.

And let me tell you, that was probably the most awkward party I've ever been to. I asked them NOT to do it, and they did it. And it was dreadful. My boyfriend was there. He was acting strange. My mood continued to be off. Everyone eventually left because of the tension in the air.

And later on that night, I got dumped.

On my birthday.

Fun times.

...

Anyways...


So I'm not expecting or suspecting any of my friends to throw me a party, surprise or otherwise, but just in case you're one of my friends and the idea popped into your head, I advise you to pop the idea right back out.

I'm socially awkward. I'm introspective. I'm an introvert. In other words, I don't always like people! :-D

I like surprises, but NOT surprise social interactions. If I know I'm going to have to be social, I have better time to prepare myself for it. If a social encounter just jumps out at me and says, "SURPRISE!" then there's a good chance I'm not going to be the best company. In fact, I might get really excited and punch you in the face.

So if you want to throw me a party, go for it...just let me know about it in advance. You've been warned.