SAA Ep. #43: Chivalry Fails

Sometimes I feel really bad for guys--especially in the South.  I mean, up North in Yankeeville (and in border states like KY, where I am from originally), guys aren't always expected to hold open doors or show courtesy to women-folk.  But down here where I live, it's generally expected for guys to show a certain amount of courtesy to females.  This includes opening doors and stepping aside to let them pass.  Some guys like to call this chivalry, and I'm learning to just go ahead and let them.  I mean, if you want to get technical, that whole Courtly Love thing and Chivalric code has little to do with guys opening doors for girls, but that's what people mean today when they say chivalry.  They mean guys opening doors for girls (and guys just generally being polite to girls).  Never you mind that if a girl opened a door for another girl, it would just be called common courtesy and not "chivalry."  Never you mind that a door isn't a Dragon, and by opening it a guy is not slaying it.  But I digress....  I have door issues.

But I feel bad for guys because sometimes they just really don't know what to do.  Even where I live, in the South, there are a lot of transplanted Yankees (yes, we call them that...sometimes...while we're running around barefoot chewing on grass and playing washboards in our jug bands).  So a poor guy might try to be nice and open a door for a female, as is usually expected, and in return for his kindness, he might get a lecture. 

I'm not a feminist.  I don't have a problem with a guy holding a door for me, as long as he's not all smug about it.  Because, as I mentioned before, a guy holding a door for me is polite, but it's not comparable to him slaying a Dragon.  If he expects more congratulations than a simple thank you, then he deserves a lecture.

I think I'm feeling sorrier for guys right now because I've had a couple awkward moments lately.  Both were in the grocery store.  Ok, so technically speaking, they were both in Wal-mart, my home away from home.

I was weaving my way through the aisles in our newly renovated Wal-mart.  That's right.  The Wal-mart I used to know backwards and forwards has been drastically changed so that I actually have to THINK when I shop.  I was trying to find the handsoap.  That sounds like an easy task, right?  Yeah, but for no apparent reason, the Wal-mart gods decided the handsoap would be better located on the opposite side of the aisle.  So I had to wander about aimlessly to try and find it. 

When I finally realized where the soap probably was, I tried to turn around.  But my quest was again thwarted.  A man with a large grocery cart blocked the aisle I needed to enter.  He stood there, smiling, and said, "Go ahead."  I tried to explain that I needed right where he was, but he persisted in a gentlemanly fashion, "Please, go ahead.  I'm only going one aisle over.  I don't mind waiting for you."

"Um, I kind of need right where you are," I said, trying not to be rude about it.  But there really wasn't a way to let the guy save face.  He got out of my way, scowling--not at me, I don't think, but at himself.  Some guys take that fake chivalry thing pretty seriously.

The other situation was similar, but much more fun.

I was trying to get something out of the freezer section.  This guy moved over, thinking he was giving me access to what I wanted.  Instead, he blocked the very door I needed.  And he stood there.  Grinning.  Obviously proud of himself for completing what he considered to be a chivalric gesture.

Again, I had to attempt to not be rude when I said, "Um, I kind of need right where you are."

This guy didn't scowl.  Instead, he played it off rather humorously.  "D'oh!  Chivalry fail!" he exclaimed, and jumped out of my way, making a grandiose sweeping gesture with his arms. 

I didn't bother correcting him (allowing me access to the frozen pizza didn't technically count as chivalry) because it was so stinkin' funny.  And for once I actually had something cute to say in reply.  "It's okay.  You still get brownie points for trying." 

And then his girlfriend came and gave me a dirty look and dragged the knight in shining sports jersey and baggy jeans away.

And then a fire-breathing Dragon appeared out of nowhere and went on a rampage down the bread aisle, and I was gallantly  rescued by a handsome prince steering a shimmering grocery cart.  And he swooped me up and carried me to the check out lane, where we purchased our delicious ware and lived happily ever after. 

I might have made that last part up.

SAA Ep. #35: One of the Guys

I had two best friends in kindergarten.  Their names were Michael and David.  Now, David moved away the summer after kindergarten, which is unfortunate, because according to my parents, I was going to marry one of them (Michael was out of the question because it was later discovered that he had "the cooties").  So thanks a lot for moving away, David.  Now I'm a spinster with a shriveling womb happily single.

Yeah, so, apparently, I talked about Michael and David nonstop.  They were my friends.  My buddies.  Mis amigos.  We did everything together.  It only got awkward a few times--like that Halloween, when I had the audacity to dress up like a GROSS My Little Pony.  That was almost enough to ruin our friendship.  That and the time I did a chalk picture of a rainbow with pretty little butterflies...but I digress.

For most of my life, I've gotten along better with guys than I have with other girls.  I'm not exactly sure why this is.  I don't really consider myself more masculine than other girls (although I did opt for taking Woodshop in high school instead of Home Ec Life Skills--that was actually a mistake, because now I think Life Skills would be more useful than knowing how to make a wooden race car--which I actually kind of sucked at) but I do know that I have a guy sense of humor.  I know this from years of experience of watching funny movies in mixed company.  The scenes I find funny are the scenes the guys find funny.  The scenes the other girls find funny aren't really all that funny to me.  And by the way, I'd rather watch a movie with a gazillion explody things than a chick flick.  I generally can't stand chick flicks.  There are a few I like, but only one that I LOVE (While You Were Sleeping).  The rest make me want to punch a baby unicorn.

I also like to punch things.  Or talk about punching things.  Same difference.  Unless you're my friend Amos.

And I've only had one boyfriend...ever...(probably because I punch things) and that wasn't until I was in my mid twenties.  That's not because I don't like guys.  I'm not exactly sure why guys never seemed to want to date me.  In fact, I'm not even exactly sure if guys didn't want to date me.  I have some kind of problem where I can't tell when a guy is hitting on me unless he is being VERY clear.  I look back on times in my high school years where guys were definitely asking me out, and I innocently thought they were just kidding around.  So I joked back and inadvertently rejected them.  Aww.  Now, there were other guys I knowingly rejected because they were clear enough to say, "I AM ACTUALLY ASKING YOU OUT, HERE" and I told them no...because they had "the cooties." 

But I do remember the first true female best friend I had.  She was at the first college I attended.  We did pretty much everything together.  Well, she and I were walking somewhere, and one of our mutual guy friends came up to us.  He ranted and raved about how great she looked.  He gave her a huge hug.  Then he said, "Hey, Ruth" as if it were an afterthought--which it probably was.  And I called him on it by saying, "So you give her all this attention and all I get is a 'Hey, Ruth'?"  I'll never forget his reply.  If you are a guy and are reading this (Amos), then pay attention.  You never.  Ever.  EVER. say this to a girl.  EVER.

He said, "Aw, come on.  You're just one of the guys."

I didn't punch him...but I thought about it.

It wasn't until I transferred to my second college that I came into a great group of guy friends who seemed to understand that females need to be treated like ladies.  That was a nice change from what I had been used to all my life.  But I still liked being around guy friends more than girls.

And it's really awkward these days because the older I get, the less single guy friends there seem to be.  I do have a few, but even they are all dropping like flies by getting engaged or entering into serious relationships with some of my female friends.  Funny how that happens to everyone besides me--but it's okay, because if any of them hit on me, I'd punch them in the face (that means YOU, Amos). 

And I really don't mind being friends with couples, but there are boundaries there that I completely agree with (such as, try not to be alone with a man who's married to someone who isn't you).  If I'm friends with the guy, then I'm gonna have to be friends with his wife.  So I have to be friends with the whole couple.  I'm not complaining so much as just stating how weird it all is to me who is still in that "It would be nice to go hang out with a group of guys" frame of mind.  At my age, there don't seem to be any groups of guys left for me to hang out with--unless I wanted to crash the men's conference at church.  I...uh...don't think that would be cool.  But I  know beyond the shadow of a doubt that I would like it better than a women's conference.  I can't even walk past the decorations for those things.  Doily tablecloths and flowers make me angry.  GRR.

But yeah, I guess I'm pretty blessed at this stage of my life to have a lot of couples who don't mind me third-wheeling their marriages from time to time....

Well, it's been about fifteen minutes since I punched something, so I'd better cut this blog short and go find me a baby unicorn.