SAA Ep. #35: One of the Guys

I had two best friends in kindergarten.  Their names were Michael and David.  Now, David moved away the summer after kindergarten, which is unfortunate, because according to my parents, I was going to marry one of them (Michael was out of the question because it was later discovered that he had "the cooties").  So thanks a lot for moving away, David.  Now I'm a spinster with a shriveling womb happily single.

Yeah, so, apparently, I talked about Michael and David nonstop.  They were my friends.  My buddies.  Mis amigos.  We did everything together.  It only got awkward a few times--like that Halloween, when I had the audacity to dress up like a GROSS My Little Pony.  That was almost enough to ruin our friendship.  That and the time I did a chalk picture of a rainbow with pretty little butterflies...but I digress.

For most of my life, I've gotten along better with guys than I have with other girls.  I'm not exactly sure why this is.  I don't really consider myself more masculine than other girls (although I did opt for taking Woodshop in high school instead of Home Ec Life Skills--that was actually a mistake, because now I think Life Skills would be more useful than knowing how to make a wooden race car--which I actually kind of sucked at) but I do know that I have a guy sense of humor.  I know this from years of experience of watching funny movies in mixed company.  The scenes I find funny are the scenes the guys find funny.  The scenes the other girls find funny aren't really all that funny to me.  And by the way, I'd rather watch a movie with a gazillion explody things than a chick flick.  I generally can't stand chick flicks.  There are a few I like, but only one that I LOVE (While You Were Sleeping).  The rest make me want to punch a baby unicorn.

I also like to punch things.  Or talk about punching things.  Same difference.  Unless you're my friend Amos.

And I've only had one boyfriend...ever...(probably because I punch things) and that wasn't until I was in my mid twenties.  That's not because I don't like guys.  I'm not exactly sure why guys never seemed to want to date me.  In fact, I'm not even exactly sure if guys didn't want to date me.  I have some kind of problem where I can't tell when a guy is hitting on me unless he is being VERY clear.  I look back on times in my high school years where guys were definitely asking me out, and I innocently thought they were just kidding around.  So I joked back and inadvertently rejected them.  Aww.  Now, there were other guys I knowingly rejected because they were clear enough to say, "I AM ACTUALLY ASKING YOU OUT, HERE" and I told them no...because they had "the cooties." 

But I do remember the first true female best friend I had.  She was at the first college I attended.  We did pretty much everything together.  Well, she and I were walking somewhere, and one of our mutual guy friends came up to us.  He ranted and raved about how great she looked.  He gave her a huge hug.  Then he said, "Hey, Ruth" as if it were an afterthought--which it probably was.  And I called him on it by saying, "So you give her all this attention and all I get is a 'Hey, Ruth'?"  I'll never forget his reply.  If you are a guy and are reading this (Amos), then pay attention.  You never.  Ever.  EVER. say this to a girl.  EVER.

He said, "Aw, come on.  You're just one of the guys."

I didn't punch him...but I thought about it.

It wasn't until I transferred to my second college that I came into a great group of guy friends who seemed to understand that females need to be treated like ladies.  That was a nice change from what I had been used to all my life.  But I still liked being around guy friends more than girls.

And it's really awkward these days because the older I get, the less single guy friends there seem to be.  I do have a few, but even they are all dropping like flies by getting engaged or entering into serious relationships with some of my female friends.  Funny how that happens to everyone besides me--but it's okay, because if any of them hit on me, I'd punch them in the face (that means YOU, Amos). 

And I really don't mind being friends with couples, but there are boundaries there that I completely agree with (such as, try not to be alone with a man who's married to someone who isn't you).  If I'm friends with the guy, then I'm gonna have to be friends with his wife.  So I have to be friends with the whole couple.  I'm not complaining so much as just stating how weird it all is to me who is still in that "It would be nice to go hang out with a group of guys" frame of mind.  At my age, there don't seem to be any groups of guys left for me to hang out with--unless I wanted to crash the men's conference at church.  I...uh...don't think that would be cool.  But I  know beyond the shadow of a doubt that I would like it better than a women's conference.  I can't even walk past the decorations for those things.  Doily tablecloths and flowers make me angry.  GRR.

But yeah, I guess I'm pretty blessed at this stage of my life to have a lot of couples who don't mind me third-wheeling their marriages from time to time....

Well, it's been about fifteen minutes since I punched something, so I'd better cut this blog short and go find me a baby unicorn.

SSA Ep. #12: Invisible Leprosy

Aside from my chronic Social Awkwardness, I have another ailment. It's curable, but the older I get the chance of successfully curing it gets slimmer and slimmer. Fortunately, it's a condition that doesn't prevent me from living a normal life (as normal as my life gets) about 85% of the time. Some people don't seem to even notice I have this condition; it's not a big deal to them. Some treat me with derision. Others seem to think they must pity me and condescend to me. Some are completely and utterly afraid of me and my condition, and they avoid me at all costs. You see, I have Invisible Leprosy.

In other words, I'm a single woman in my thirties.

Being single doesn't bother me much. I just think it's hilarious the way other people treat me sometimes.

Some people seem to think that there must be something horribly wrong with me since I never got married. There are four ways this attitude usually goes:

1) There must be something wrong with her because no guy wants her.

I don't have much of a response for that. Maybe *those* people are right...but I have a different opinion. Personally, I haven't met a guy strong enough for someone like me. Not just ANY guy can handle this much socially awkward awesomeness.

2) She's one of those women who focused on her career so she never had time for marriage and family.

Lol...I work in childcare. Do people REALLY think I'm focusing on my career? I'd LOVE for a guy to romance me, sweep me off my feet, and then provide a steady income with health insurance benefits. I'd kind of like to take care of my OWN kids for a change, too.

3) She hates men.

...No. I don't. Moving on.

4) She's a lesbian.

...FACEPALM... No.

There are also people who feel the need to condescend to me and pity me. I have had SEVERAL conversations that went something like this:

Condescending Person: So are you married?
Me: No.
CP: Oh... *averts eyes as if they'd just insulted me*
Me: I'm content being single. It's not a big deal.
CP: Well, there are plenty of single guys out there.
Me: No, really, I'm cool with it.
CP: AND you are still young. You have PLENTY of time.
Me: Um, I know. But being single doesn't bother me. Really. At all.
CP: Well, I'll be praying God brings the right man into your life.
Me: I prayed that for years. Apparently, it's not His will for me right now. I'm okay with that.
CP: DON'T GIVE UP FAITH!
Me: I'm not, I'm just accepting the life He's graciously given me...
CP: You know what, I think I know a guy who would be perfect for you. I can set you up.
Me: Oh, would you look at the time! I must be going now. I've got an appointment with the pillow I'm going to cry into because I'm completely sad and alone and useless without a husband.

Another attitude I get is one where the person seems to get the impression that I'm "called to singlehood." In fact, I get this attitude a lot from people who need things: "You're single! God has called you to live a life free from the trappings of marriage so that you can help out others. So you need to drop everything and help me out with my problem."

I'm not called to singlehood, okay. I'm called to live the life God has given me whether it be married or single. I'm called to live. I'm more than happy to help out when I can and where I can, but I need to make something very clear. Just because I'm single and don't have kids, it does NOT mean I have all the free time in the world. I work three jobs and try to write in the little free time I have. Also, I try to maintain a meager semblance of a life. So no, I'm not required to help out with any task someone else thinks I'm supposed to do just because I'm single. But thanks for thinking of me...

I have to say that the funniest reaction I get to my Invisible Leprosy comes from guys.

When a guy figures out I'm single, he usually does one of three things. 1) If he's okay with me being single, then he just treats me as he would do any lady who is not his wife. 2) If he's married and NOT okay with me being single, then he will make a point to display his wedding band and mention that he is happily married to his beautiful wife and that he loves his 2.3 children, and then he'll get away from me as soon as possible. 3) If he's single and NOT okay with me being single, then he'll stutter a lot and mention that he is considering going into foreign missions and/or becoming a monk...and then he'll also get away from me as soon as possible.

Don't get me wrong. I completely understand the need for boundaries in male/female friendships. In fact, I am rarely comfortable being friends with a married guy if I'm not also friends with his wife. His wife is the most important person in his life (or should be), so I feel that I can't really be friends with him until I'm friends with her. I also think it's a good practice to try not to be alone with a married guy. With single guys, I think it's good to only hang out in groups unless we've agreed to pursue a dating relationship. I mean, even the most innocent friendships can be misread. People like to gossip and spread rumors. It's a good idea to be careful. I'm not going to have a spaz attack if something happens and I have to hitch a ride with a guy I'm not married to or whatever, though. It's just not that big of a deal...

But it really bothers me when a married guy practically runs away from me, just as it bothers me when a single guy assumes that I'm after him just because he is also single.

ATTENTION: Just because I am single, it does not mean I am a homewrecker. Just because I am single, it does not mean I am going to go after any single guy I can find. Just because I am single does not mean I am desperate. Just because I am single does not mean you have to be afraid of me. I'm safe. My condition is not contagious.

...or then again, maybe it is.

So on second thought, don't touch me. I'm a girl. I'm single. I have cooties.