SSA Ep. #16: Walking in Crowds

When I was, I don't know, about 8 or 9, I went to an amusement park with a small chaperoned group. All was going well until the heavens opened up and it started pouring down rain. The leader of our little group was really nice and bought all of us these bright orange ponchos from one of the gift shops so we wouldn't get drenched. The problem was, EVERYONE in the whole park also decided to purchase the ponchos from the amusement park gift shops. These ponchos only came in one retina-burning shade: caution sign orange.

While the amusement park made a killing in poncho sales that day, everyone ended up looking like tall, dripping oompa loompas. And whilst walking with my companions, this gigantor of an oompa loompa walked right in front of me, separating me from my group. Several others followed him. Perhaps only five or six people pushed past me, but it was enough to separate me from my group by several paces.

In normal circumstances, I could have simply looked around until I saw the people I knew, then I could jog to catch up with them. However, since everyone looked like giant mobile traffic cones (that makes me want to watch Toy Story 2), I couldn't tell which group was mine. This resulted in my wandering around in circles, crying to myself, until two nice teenage girls saw me and took me to the Lost and Found. Apparently, they have those for people too.

So the story has a happy ending. I got to sit inside a nice warm building, drinking hot cocoa, watching Yogi Bear on tv until my anxious group leader came to claim me. By the time she did, the sun was out again, and I was ready to hit the rides.

But ever since then, I have been extremely wary when walking in groups. If I'm walking in a group of friends or family members, I do NOT like being separated from them.

'That's ridiculous!' I hear you say! 'You're a grown up' I hear you say! Or maybe you're not saying anything, and I'm just hearing voices...again...

I know, I know. If I got separated from a group today, I could easily just call/text one of my friends and figure out where they were. I could totally handle the situation like a grown up. No big deal at all. It's just that I kind of really like the security of being in a group, especially when there are crowds.

Don't get me wrong here. I'm the sort of person who enjoys going out by herself. I can have fun in a crowded movie theater even if I didn't come with anyone else. But if I happen to be with someone, I want to know where they are...just in case.

I'm really not sure to what the "just in case" might apply.

They say there is safety in numbers, and I have to say, I agree. I mean, there are a variety of ways that walking in a group has its advantages. For instance, walking in a group is a great way to avoid suckerization. Walking in a group makes it harder for you to get mugged or something. Walking in a group can prevent you from getting trampled on by another group.

And if I were walking in a group, I'd have someone to trip, you know, just in case zombies attacked. They can't have my brains! I'm writing books!

The trouble is, there aren't really any written courtesy rules to follow when walking in groups. I noticed this while recently attending a live show with my good friends Stefanie and Laura. We entered the theater and Laura walked on ahead. I was about to push my way through the crowd to stay with her, but Stefanie held back and let other people walk ahead. That was nice of Stefanie. I thought, "Now why can't I be nice like Stefanie and let people walk ahead instead of being so bound and determined to stay with the group?" But then I thought, "Oh yeah, because Stefanie is awesome and not remotely socially awkward. I mean, for crying out loud, she doesn't even have door issues!" And then I continued to push my way through the crowd like someone had just started giving away free bacon.

It's times like those that I need my own personal Fezzik from "The Princess Bride" to shout "EVERYBODY MOVE!" The crowds would part and I could move about at my leisure. But then, if I had my own personal Fezzik, a lot of life's problems would be solved. He's strong. He's big. He's...good at rhyming. Hmm...where can I get a Fezzik?

I wonder what Fezzik would look like in an orange poncho, shouting, "I AM THE DWEAD PIWATE WOBERTS! THERE WILL BE NO SUWVIVORS! ALL YOUWALLS NIGHTMARES AWE ABOUT TO COME TWUE!"

I think I forgot what I was writing about.

SAA Ep. #14: Losing More than Just Weight

Keep in mind that I'm short (5'3). It will help you put my weight in perspective. And please don't anyone take offense to this. I'm speaking as a girl who has been there (I know how hard it is)...and who still thinks she is there, obviously.

I've never been over 200 lbs., but I was 195 lbs. once. I was 21. I had just been in my sister's wedding, and I was a chubby little maid of honor. I decided then that I needed to lose weight. I lost 35 lbs. and felt great, but you know what? I was still 160 lbs. I was still chubby, just less chubby. And over the next several years, I regained a lot of the weight I lost.

And there's something interesting that happens to a woman when she stops being in her early twenties. She can weigh the same that she did when she was in her early twenties, but the weight can look quite different on an almost thirty year old body.

So at 175 lbs., I was just as heavy as I was when I was 195 lbs. I was wearing the same pant size--16 to 18. I mean, that's just like a couple sizes away from having to shop in the "big girl section." I've never had to shop there, but I've been very close. And I was in denial.

Well, last January, I started paying attention to pictures of myself. I was like, "Whoa! I look fat in all these pictures! Maybe it's NOT just the camera or the angle.... Holy crap! I'm fat!" I decided I wasn't going to be fat anymore. The sad thing is, the major reason for me wanting to lose weight had nothing to do with health issues or just wanting to look nicer. I thought to myself, "Self, if I am going to be an author, I do NOT want people who come to my book signings to think, 'Hey. Hey, look. Hey, look at that. Hey, look at that fat author.'" And because I didn't want people to think of me as a fat author, I decided to lose weight.

And it worked. I watched every single calorie I ate. I exercised. And after about six months, I lost 40 lbs. I got down to a size 8 and weighed 135 lbs (I haven't been that light since middle school...and I'm wearing a pant size less than what I wore in middle school). It took me 30 years, but I FINALLY lost my baby fat...seriously. I had been fat all my life...but not anymore.

Before (I'm the fat one in the sunglasses, obviously)

After!

So I'm not fat anymore (though I'm currently dieting again because I think I can do even better...aiming for 120lbs if my body lets me do it healthily), and that's awesome. But I have to say that being not fat anymore has some drawbacks.


For one thing, after losing weight, these wrinkles magically appeared on my forehead. I guess all that extra fat I had filled in the wrinkles or something. But yes, now I can't raise my eyebrows without getting little creases all over my forehead. It's a good trade off, I suppose. I look a little older (I still don't think I look thirty...or almost thirty-one...shh), but it's because I look a lot thinner. I'll take it...and a heavy dose of wrinkle cream...because I'm vain.


The second drawback is that I often have trouble thinking of myself as a thin person. Fat people make jokes about their fat. It's how we let other people know it's okay for them to acknowledge our fatness--and to beat rude people to the punch. Maybe it's a sign of bad self-esteem because of our fatness...idk. And notice I am still including myself in that "we" and "our," even though I'm no longer a fat person. I still think of myself as being bigger. I catch myself making a joke about my fatness, only to accidentally insult a currently fat person--because I'm no longer included in the fat club. And I forget.


And sometimes I make those fat comments around guys who start thinking I'm one of those girls who thinks she has to go on diets all the time even though she's a perfectly healthy weight. ...maybe I AM one of those girls now...?


I've even bought shirts at stores only to have to return them because I forgot that I no longer wear an extra large. I now wear a small (or sometimes a medium). And really, it's hard to think of myself as a size small. In my brain, I'm still a fat person. I have to remind myself over and over again that I do wear a size small.


When I walk by people, I tend to give them too much room to get past me because I forget that I don't take up as much space. One time I was trying to get by someone in a restaurant, and she scooted her chair in so I could get by. I said, "It's okay, I'll go around the other way. There's not enough room for me." But there was. There was plenty of room. I just pictured myself as a large person trying to get through a space that was actually big enough for an average sized person to fit through. So the person who was nice enough to scoot in her chair started thinking I was calling HER fat...ugh...and social awkwardness ensued.


So yeah. Losing weight involves more than just, well...losing weight. I've also lost some of my identity. It's not necessarily a bad thing. I just have to remind myself that I'm no longer a chubby little girl, but a slender young woman (emphasis on the YOUNG). I'm still gonna have this distorted picture of myself, and it will probably get worse if I DO reach that goal of losing another 15 pounds.


Meh. Even if I lose more weight, I'm afraid I won't lose the awkwardness. It's here to stay, folks.


If you're trying to lose weight, I definitely recommend it...if it's for the right reasons. Just be warned--it might take you a while to lose the "fat mentality." I'll let you know if I ever get used to not being fat.