SAA Ep. #14: Losing More than Just Weight

Keep in mind that I'm short (5'3). It will help you put my weight in perspective. And please don't anyone take offense to this. I'm speaking as a girl who has been there (I know how hard it is)...and who still thinks she is there, obviously.

I've never been over 200 lbs., but I was 195 lbs. once. I was 21. I had just been in my sister's wedding, and I was a chubby little maid of honor. I decided then that I needed to lose weight. I lost 35 lbs. and felt great, but you know what? I was still 160 lbs. I was still chubby, just less chubby. And over the next several years, I regained a lot of the weight I lost.

And there's something interesting that happens to a woman when she stops being in her early twenties. She can weigh the same that she did when she was in her early twenties, but the weight can look quite different on an almost thirty year old body.

So at 175 lbs., I was just as heavy as I was when I was 195 lbs. I was wearing the same pant size--16 to 18. I mean, that's just like a couple sizes away from having to shop in the "big girl section." I've never had to shop there, but I've been very close. And I was in denial.

Well, last January, I started paying attention to pictures of myself. I was like, "Whoa! I look fat in all these pictures! Maybe it's NOT just the camera or the angle.... Holy crap! I'm fat!" I decided I wasn't going to be fat anymore. The sad thing is, the major reason for me wanting to lose weight had nothing to do with health issues or just wanting to look nicer. I thought to myself, "Self, if I am going to be an author, I do NOT want people who come to my book signings to think, 'Hey. Hey, look. Hey, look at that. Hey, look at that fat author.'" And because I didn't want people to think of me as a fat author, I decided to lose weight.

And it worked. I watched every single calorie I ate. I exercised. And after about six months, I lost 40 lbs. I got down to a size 8 and weighed 135 lbs (I haven't been that light since middle school...and I'm wearing a pant size less than what I wore in middle school). It took me 30 years, but I FINALLY lost my baby fat...seriously. I had been fat all my life...but not anymore.

Before (I'm the fat one in the sunglasses, obviously)

After!

So I'm not fat anymore (though I'm currently dieting again because I think I can do even better...aiming for 120lbs if my body lets me do it healthily), and that's awesome. But I have to say that being not fat anymore has some drawbacks.


For one thing, after losing weight, these wrinkles magically appeared on my forehead. I guess all that extra fat I had filled in the wrinkles or something. But yes, now I can't raise my eyebrows without getting little creases all over my forehead. It's a good trade off, I suppose. I look a little older (I still don't think I look thirty...or almost thirty-one...shh), but it's because I look a lot thinner. I'll take it...and a heavy dose of wrinkle cream...because I'm vain.


The second drawback is that I often have trouble thinking of myself as a thin person. Fat people make jokes about their fat. It's how we let other people know it's okay for them to acknowledge our fatness--and to beat rude people to the punch. Maybe it's a sign of bad self-esteem because of our fatness...idk. And notice I am still including myself in that "we" and "our," even though I'm no longer a fat person. I still think of myself as being bigger. I catch myself making a joke about my fatness, only to accidentally insult a currently fat person--because I'm no longer included in the fat club. And I forget.


And sometimes I make those fat comments around guys who start thinking I'm one of those girls who thinks she has to go on diets all the time even though she's a perfectly healthy weight. ...maybe I AM one of those girls now...?


I've even bought shirts at stores only to have to return them because I forgot that I no longer wear an extra large. I now wear a small (or sometimes a medium). And really, it's hard to think of myself as a size small. In my brain, I'm still a fat person. I have to remind myself over and over again that I do wear a size small.


When I walk by people, I tend to give them too much room to get past me because I forget that I don't take up as much space. One time I was trying to get by someone in a restaurant, and she scooted her chair in so I could get by. I said, "It's okay, I'll go around the other way. There's not enough room for me." But there was. There was plenty of room. I just pictured myself as a large person trying to get through a space that was actually big enough for an average sized person to fit through. So the person who was nice enough to scoot in her chair started thinking I was calling HER fat...ugh...and social awkwardness ensued.


So yeah. Losing weight involves more than just, well...losing weight. I've also lost some of my identity. It's not necessarily a bad thing. I just have to remind myself that I'm no longer a chubby little girl, but a slender young woman (emphasis on the YOUNG). I'm still gonna have this distorted picture of myself, and it will probably get worse if I DO reach that goal of losing another 15 pounds.


Meh. Even if I lose more weight, I'm afraid I won't lose the awkwardness. It's here to stay, folks.


If you're trying to lose weight, I definitely recommend it...if it's for the right reasons. Just be warned--it might take you a while to lose the "fat mentality." I'll let you know if I ever get used to not being fat.