Embarablast from the Past, Episode #6: The Mall Kiosk Dude

I do not have naturally curly hair. I have naturally poofy hair. Therefore, there are two things I must do in order to have hair that doesn't eat small children.

1) I must put lots of straightening/nonpoofifying/smoothing product in my hair and then blow dry it so that it is almost straight. Hair straighteners do not work for me. I have used them. As soon as I walk outside, if there is the slightest bit of humidity, it frizzes out all over the place. Plus, I do NOT have the patience for them. I have better things to do with my time than spend half an hour trying to make my poofy hair be straight.

2) I must put lots of gel in my hair and let it dry (usually overnight). Then it's curly and still somewhat poofy. So THEN I have to put a little mousse in it to control the flyaways and douse my entire head in copious amounts of hairspray. Then it's curly and mostly nonpoofy...and 83% less likely to eat small children.

And I just spent a few paragraphs talking about my hair. ...no wonder I'm socially awkward.

Before getting to the point, I feel the need to mention one other thing. In the summer of 2007, I spent two weeks in Thailand. It wasn't even enough to fully develop culture shock, but man, I sure did pick up one really bad habit. In Thailand, I experienced something both remarkable and terrifying: The Night Market. There were hundreds of little booths up and down the street, where the most persistent sellers you have ever met in your life were trying to sell you the most useless junk you have ever seen in your life. Now, there was some good stuff there. I bought about a gazillion Thai silk neckties for about $2.50 each (Thai Ties, get it?). But all the sellers there were intent on getting all the "rich Americans" to buy their stuff. So if you even looked as though you might possibly make eye contact with any of them, they would attack you until you bought their stuff.

So I quickly learned that the only way for a sucker like me to survive was to NEVER make eye-contact with any of them. If some of them still persisted, and most of them did, then I had to be agressive. I had to firmly and loudly say "NO" in order for them to get the idea that I wasn't going to buy from them. Unfortunately, I brought this mentality back to America with me.

I remember being in Walmart a week after I got back. There was this really sweet looking young woman who was trying to get people to sign up for the bank that's inside my Walmart. I saw her approach me out of the corner of my eye, and bless her. The only words she said was, "Hello, would you like...." I turned to her and loudly exclaimed "NO!" She backed up about a good foot and meekly apologized. I felt like such a jerk. Well, I was a jerk, but it was because I still had the "an American in Thailand" mentality.

Anyway, so a few months after this, I decided to go to the mall. I almost never go to the mall because it kind of freaks me out a little. I much prefer the thrift store. I was only going on this particular occasion because I wanted some hand soap from Bath and Body Works. It was a nice day, so I had the sunroof open on my car, and my hair may or may not have gotten tangled in it, causing it to look poofier than usual. Yeah.

So I went into the mall. On my way to B&BW, I ran into a guy at a mall kiosk. Almost literally. He was chasing me and almost ran into me. Why was he chasing me? Because my hair looked like it was in severe need of straightening and he happened to be selling a hair straightener.

"Would you like to try this hair straightener?" he asked.

I turned and looked at him. No joke, the guy looked like Kenny G...only carrying a hair straightener instead of a saxophone. He was the last person who needed to be giving me advice on hair care.

"No, thanks," I said. I continued on my way.

He kept following me. "I really think you should try this out."

"Look," I said. "I don't use hair straighteners. I just use a blow dryer and it's fine."

Dude GRABBED my arm and said, "Oh, no! You have GOT to try this!"

My "an American in Thailand" mentality kicked in full gear. "NO!" I exclaimed. I stamped my foot like a three year old who couldn't have a cookie. "NO! I said NO!"

The guy backed off. Kenny G went back to his kiosk. I stood there for a moment, realizing that innocent bystanders probably thought the guy was trying to do something to me besides straighten my hair.

I was red-faced and embarassed, but I continued on to the store. When I approached, I saw that the little bars were being rolled down. The mall was closing. It was Sunday, and they closed earlier than the rest of the week. D'oh.

I didn't get any hand soap that day. I did get a totally humiliating experience.

I hope Kenny G met his hair straightening quota for the day. ...or maybe I don't.

SAA Ep. #7: The Thrift Store (NOW WITH PICTURES)

I had an unpleasant realization today.

I also embarked on a quest--well, it was actually a few quests rolled into one. The main quest was for a brown winter jacket. My old winter jacket is actually more of a fall weight jacket, and it is also quite threadbare. Not only that, but it's kind of ginormous on me now. Earlier this year, I lost 40 pounds. Don't congratulate me yet. I've gained five of those pounds back and I could still stand to lose 15-20 pounds. Also, right before I posted this, I proceeded to eat almost an entire bag of Turtle Chex Mix. Yeah...New Year's Resolutions are right around the corner... Unfortunately before I round that corner, I'll probably round my middle a little more with Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Anyway, so I went to the mall, hoping to find a decently priced jacket. "Decently priced" is a relative term, so keep in mind that I work with kids. In fact, just forget I said "decently priced" and pretend I said "cheap," because that's what I meant.

The mall is not typically a cheap place. I meandered around a few stores, carefully avoiding the sales clerks before they could ask me "Can I help you find something?" I always get the feeling those people are really asking me something else, like, "Did you look in the mirror before you left your house this morning?" or "Have you ever been inside an actual department store, sweetheart?" or "What can I prevent you from shoplifting today?"

And stores at the malls--particularly clothing stores--just freak me out. I walked into one and realized it was WAY too classy for me. So I made a lap around one of the mannequins and immediately exited the store. Even the mannequins in those places seem condescending. I could feel their soulless eyes staring at me, daring me to deem myself awesome enough to enter their store. But then, I hate mannequins. Did anyone see that Olivia Newton John Christmas movie where she was a mannequin that came to life and became this kid's mom? Weird. Way to spread Christmas cheer--creepy mannequins that wanna get physical, physical...

Anyway, I found nothing "cheap" enough for my budget. So--I went to the thrift store. And here is where I had my unpleasant realization. I was standing amongst the aisles of grandma clothes (they looked like grandma clothes AND smelled like grandma clothes), hoping to find something that was made in this century. I overheard this lady talking to no one. And I thought to myself, "This is a crazy person. I'm listening to a legitimately crazy person. This is where crazy people shop for clothes." That was NOT my unpleasant realization.

I'll get to the unpleasant realization in a moment. First, I want to take this opportunity to comment on the difference between the extremely poor and the extremely rich. The extremely poor are often crazy people who walk around talking to themselves. The extremely rich are often people who buy expensive gadgets like invisible blue tooth headsets that enable them to walk around and look exactly like they're talking to themselves. Hmm.

Back to the unpleasant realization.

See, I have known for a long time that crazy people shop at the thrift stores. There are people who come to the thrift store every day just to stand amongst the antiquated clothing just so they can have conversations with themselves in public. They might even get paid for it--their presence provides such rich and entertaining atmosphere to my bargain bin shopping experience.

I know there are crazy people in thrift stores. What I didn't realize is that I'm FAR more comfortable shopping where the crazy people shop than I am shopping at the mall.

To make matters worse, I did not find a jacket, even among the crazy people. However, I did find several nice sweaters. I also found a canister that matches my old discontinued Corelle pattern (Blue Hearts. I found out it was made exclusively for Walmart--go figure. Blue Hearts: The Official Corelle Pattern of People Who Shop Where Crazy People Shop!!).

This is not the actual container. This is a similar container I also got at a thrift store.

The actual container is now soaking in bleach & awaiting a couple trips thru the dishwasher.

The canister rattled a little (it wasn't broken), and the lid was taped down, so I couldn't see what was inside it. I mean, I could have taken off the tape, but that would have ruined the surprise. I mean, it was like a thrift store happy meal with a surprise inside. What could it be? Another smaller canister? An extra lid? A dead rat? A live rat? A human tooth? The possibilities were practically endless!!

I brought it home and opened it up. What was inside? I'm still not sure. Maybe you can tell me.

I think I might have preferred a human tooth.