Embarablast from the Past, Episode #6: The Mall Kiosk Dude

I do not have naturally curly hair. I have naturally poofy hair. Therefore, there are two things I must do in order to have hair that doesn't eat small children.

1) I must put lots of straightening/nonpoofifying/smoothing product in my hair and then blow dry it so that it is almost straight. Hair straighteners do not work for me. I have used them. As soon as I walk outside, if there is the slightest bit of humidity, it frizzes out all over the place. Plus, I do NOT have the patience for them. I have better things to do with my time than spend half an hour trying to make my poofy hair be straight.

2) I must put lots of gel in my hair and let it dry (usually overnight). Then it's curly and still somewhat poofy. So THEN I have to put a little mousse in it to control the flyaways and douse my entire head in copious amounts of hairspray. Then it's curly and mostly nonpoofy...and 83% less likely to eat small children.

And I just spent a few paragraphs talking about my hair. ...no wonder I'm socially awkward.

Before getting to the point, I feel the need to mention one other thing. In the summer of 2007, I spent two weeks in Thailand. It wasn't even enough to fully develop culture shock, but man, I sure did pick up one really bad habit. In Thailand, I experienced something both remarkable and terrifying: The Night Market. There were hundreds of little booths up and down the street, where the most persistent sellers you have ever met in your life were trying to sell you the most useless junk you have ever seen in your life. Now, there was some good stuff there. I bought about a gazillion Thai silk neckties for about $2.50 each (Thai Ties, get it?). But all the sellers there were intent on getting all the "rich Americans" to buy their stuff. So if you even looked as though you might possibly make eye contact with any of them, they would attack you until you bought their stuff.

So I quickly learned that the only way for a sucker like me to survive was to NEVER make eye-contact with any of them. If some of them still persisted, and most of them did, then I had to be agressive. I had to firmly and loudly say "NO" in order for them to get the idea that I wasn't going to buy from them. Unfortunately, I brought this mentality back to America with me.

I remember being in Walmart a week after I got back. There was this really sweet looking young woman who was trying to get people to sign up for the bank that's inside my Walmart. I saw her approach me out of the corner of my eye, and bless her. The only words she said was, "Hello, would you like...." I turned to her and loudly exclaimed "NO!" She backed up about a good foot and meekly apologized. I felt like such a jerk. Well, I was a jerk, but it was because I still had the "an American in Thailand" mentality.

Anyway, so a few months after this, I decided to go to the mall. I almost never go to the mall because it kind of freaks me out a little. I much prefer the thrift store. I was only going on this particular occasion because I wanted some hand soap from Bath and Body Works. It was a nice day, so I had the sunroof open on my car, and my hair may or may not have gotten tangled in it, causing it to look poofier than usual. Yeah.

So I went into the mall. On my way to B&BW, I ran into a guy at a mall kiosk. Almost literally. He was chasing me and almost ran into me. Why was he chasing me? Because my hair looked like it was in severe need of straightening and he happened to be selling a hair straightener.

"Would you like to try this hair straightener?" he asked.

I turned and looked at him. No joke, the guy looked like Kenny G...only carrying a hair straightener instead of a saxophone. He was the last person who needed to be giving me advice on hair care.

"No, thanks," I said. I continued on my way.

He kept following me. "I really think you should try this out."

"Look," I said. "I don't use hair straighteners. I just use a blow dryer and it's fine."

Dude GRABBED my arm and said, "Oh, no! You have GOT to try this!"

My "an American in Thailand" mentality kicked in full gear. "NO!" I exclaimed. I stamped my foot like a three year old who couldn't have a cookie. "NO! I said NO!"

The guy backed off. Kenny G went back to his kiosk. I stood there for a moment, realizing that innocent bystanders probably thought the guy was trying to do something to me besides straighten my hair.

I was red-faced and embarassed, but I continued on to the store. When I approached, I saw that the little bars were being rolled down. The mall was closing. It was Sunday, and they closed earlier than the rest of the week. D'oh.

I didn't get any hand soap that day. I did get a totally humiliating experience.

I hope Kenny G met his hair straightening quota for the day. ...or maybe I don't.