Embarrablast From the Past Ep. #13: Disney Disillusionment

This is the 13th Embarablast from the Past.  In order to really freak out any of my readers who might have triskaidekaphobia, I'm going to tell a story of something that happened to me when I was 13 years old.  Well, it didn't happen to me as much as it happened around me...but it's still pretty funny. 

So when I was 13 years old, I went to Disney World for the first time (and the last time...BUM BUM BAAAAAAH...unless I, uh, like go again or something).  This was a big deal.  This was a huge deal.  When I was 13 years old, I was in love with Disney (I still like Disney, but I think we should just be friends).  I wanted to grow up and be Belle.  Like, the real Belle--not a cartoon voice or a character dressed up like Belle.  I actually wanted to be the actual Belle.  And I wanted to find some magical castle with magical clocks and talking candlesticks who sang showtunes at every meal.  I wanted to look THAT spectacular in a yellow/gold ball gown.  I mean, I knew that the whole package deal came with an extremely hairy boyfriend, but that was all right.  In fact, I kind of still prefer the Beast's looks to the prince's looks.  What is WITH that Prince's eyebrows?  I mean...did the magical transformation just forget to change his eyebrows back?  Makes me wanna attack that guy's face with an Epilady.  But I digress...

Yes, I know.  I knew it at the time too, but I didn't care.  I knew that most 13 year old girls were into boys or clothes or celebrities--which aren't exactly real, but they were more real than Disney Princesses. 

Anyway, I was super uber stoked to finally get to go to Disney world.  I think I hyperventilated as I walked through the park gates.  The people who were with me, two girls from Pennsylvania (it's a long story, and not funny, so I won't tell how I ended up with two girls from PA), probably thought I was nuts, but I didn't care.  This was the moment I'd been waiting for all my life...I was at FREAKIN' DISNEY WORLD, BABY!

I dragged the two girls from PA with me to ride on cheesy stuff like "It's a Small World" and "Haunted Mansion."  We rode cool stuff, too.  I honestly don't remember much about that part because, well, it was way back in 1993.  I do remember that I had a pink fanny pack.  It was the shizzle.

I also remember what happened when we all got tired of riding rides.  We went to eat lunch.  That's when I found out, for the first time in my life, that I had a KY accent (you would think that I'd have figured that one out before then since I had lived in KY for 13 years at that point)!  These two girls from PA kind of cornered me over my cheeseburger and said, "Do we sound weird to you?"  I said, "Noooo?"  Then I thought about it for a moment.  "Why?  Do I sound weird to you?"  They both nodded emphatically. 

So I got self-conscious for the next several moments and didn't talk much.  We went window shopping.  I'm not sure if it's still this way now, or not, but in 1993 you could go to these little stores in Cinderella's castle.  And a few feet away from these stores was a stage that opened out in front of the castle.  And of course it was roped off and stuff, but my yankee friends and I were within hearing range of the performers who were about to go out on stage.

The performers were none other than Cinderella and Prince Charming. 

They looked spectacular.  Prince Charming looked...well...charming in his princely uniform.  Cinderella looked beautiful and shining in her signature blue dress.  They were obviously about to go out to perform some kind of song and dance number on that stage.  But Cinderella's head wasn't in the game that day.

My friends and I overheard the conversation that Cinderella and Prince Charming were having.

Cinderella: ...so then my cat just hacked this enormous hairball all over the carpet.  I am going to take him to the vet tomorrow, but I don't know....
Prince Charming: Um...I think we're on.
Cinderella: Oh!  Let's go.

She smiled, daintily took his arm, and let him lead her out onto the stage.

My friends and I all exchanged strange glances.  "Did YA'LL just hear THAT?" I asked, no longer caring about the accent.

They nodded.  I didn't imagine it.  Some things are just too weird to make up.

But I tried to make sense of it all in my head.  Cat?  Cinderella?  Cat...?  OH!  Lucifer!  That's who she meant.  Lucifer had obviously hacked a hairball on the carpet to impede her efforts to go to the ball!  "Lucifee meeeeean!"  OH NO!  What if the hairball he had was because he had eaten Jaq and Gus!  NOOOO!

But wait.  Vet?  Did they have vets back in Cinderella's time?  Probably not.  Could it be...could it be...?

Yes.

Cinderella.  Isn't.  Real.

"Cinderella" was just some aspiring actress who liked to rant about her cat puking on the carpet.  And "Prince Charming" was just some guy who needed a job and who was probably sick to death of hearing about "Cinderella's" cat puking on the carpet. 

All I can say is, I'm glad it wasn't Belle who was talking about her cat puking.  It would have crushed me.  But...pssh!  Belle doesn't have a cat.  She has a horse named Phillipe.  And one day I'm going to have a horse named Phillipe.  And he's going to take my father and his new invention to the fair.  And they're going to get lost and trespass into an enchanted castle, where a Beast will take my father prisoner.  Then I'm going to be brave and take his place.  After several months of bursting into song at seemingly random times, the Beast and I will fall in love.  Once Gaston is out of the picture, the Beast will become a prince and we will live happily ever after--after I give him a haircut and pluck his eyebrows.

...but Cinderella.  She's not real.

SSA Episode #13: The Woman Who Saved Valentine's Day

It's Socially Awkward Adventure #13! I hope none of my readers have triskaidekaphobia. Yes. I had to look up the correct spelling for that. No, that's not what this blog is about.

Have you ever wanted to do something nice for someone (or a group of people), but you lose track of time and find yourself scrambling at the last minute, and by the time you realize that it's too late to accomplish this nice thing, you kind of wish you hadn't thought of doing this nice thing in the first place?

If you could understand what I just wrote, I hope you can answer "No, Ruth. That's just you." Yes, the above scenario is something I have dealt with time and time again. Like, I get this idea that I'm going to make guacamole for a party (seriously...I make awesome guacamole. It's so good I call it "ROCKamole"), then I realize at the last minute that I don't have any avocados, and the only ones I can find in the stores are either too mushy or too hard, and then when I FINALLY find some ripe ones after going to four different stores, I realize I don't have at least an hour and a half to make this guacamole.

Apparently, this blog has a theme today, and this theme is run-on sentences...but I digress...

This post is not about Valentine's Day. Well, it is, but only indirectly. Okay, so it's about Valentine's Day. I mean, sort of...

So recently I saw this card for single people that said something stupid like, "I believe there is someone for everyone out there, and one day you will find yours. Until then, know that I love you and lots of other people do too." Basically, what that says to me is, "Here's a card so you won't feel lonely while the rest of us married people are at home snuggling with our spouses. Enjoy!"

The thing is, I'm really NOT bummed about Valentine's Day at all. Not at all. I haven't been for several years...and I've been single for several years. In fact, I've only been "with" someone for one Valentine's Day out of my whole life. But I'm not into that whole "Single Awareness Day" or whatever. It's Valentine's Day. I love Valentine's Day! Do you want to know why?

It's because I love kids. I mean, maybe if I had a significant other, I might just think Valentine's Day was all about showing my love to him. But...somehow I doubt it. I mean, all these froo froo hearts and flowers just don't make me feel romantic. They make me feel cutesy. Kids are good with cutesy.

I love getting those perforated valentine's cards to give to the kids in my life. I love putting together Valentine packages for my nieces and nephew. I love putting heart stickers all over the place. I love reading conversation hearts and just being flat out sickeningly adorable. I love Valentine's Day. And the greatest joy to me every Valentine's Day is giving cards/presents to the kids I love.

So...

Late last night I got this idea that I wanted to get individually wrapped rice krispies treats for the kids in my preschool class. We were having a Valentine's party today, so I thought it might be a nice gesture. I figured I had PLENTY of time to run out in the morning and get some rice krispies treats from CVS. Only CVS didn't seem to have any rice krispies treats--at least not that I could see. And CVS is pretty hopping on random Thursday mornings, especially when the ground is covered with a very light dusting of snow that will have completely melted away by noon--because in the South, if there's snow, that means everyone needs milk and bread immediately and at the same time, or the world will explode in a rainbow of heart-shaped confetti. So I couldn't ask anyone where the rice krispies treats were because all the employees were busy helping people find bread and milk that didn't seem to exist anymore.

No big deal. I had a plan B! There is a grocery store right around the corner from where I work. So I went there. I was still a few minutes ahead of schedule. It was awesome. I'd run in, find the rice krispies treats, and self-check my way out of there to arrive on time to work in a blaze of rice krispies treats glory. Only I couldn't seem to find the rice krispies treats at this store, either. I was browsing the snack aisle (a logical place to find...ya know...snacks), when I ran into one of the minister's wives from my church. I thought she was amazing before, but listen to this:

She greeted me. I explained my dilemma. She said she thought that the rice krispies treats should be with the snacks, too (logical place, that's all I'm saying). Well, I had to run because by this time I was late for work, so I figured the rice krispies treats were just not meant to be.

Alas. My quest for the rice krispies treats had come to an end. I had failed.

But, I say again, listen to this...(or read this...because it's written and not spoken...whatever...)

As soon as I got to work, I got a phone call from the minister's wife. She had found the rice krispies treats and was bringing me a box! I mean, she was like a super hero. The day was saved! She saved Valentine's Day!

You know how there are all those stupid movies out there about somebody saving Christmas? Ernest Saves Christmas. Noddy Saves Christmas (who's Noddy? Idk.) Elmo Saves Christmas. Dora Saves Christmas. Diego Saves Christmas (wasn't Dora enough?? Apparently not). Inspector Gadget Saves Christmas (I might actually watch that one). Rainbow Brite Saves Christmas. Felix the Cat Saves Christmas. Mater Saves Christmas. Your Mom saves Christmas (I might have made up that last one). Me thinks I should do a blog on "...saves Christmas" movies. Ya know...like sometime around Christmas...because right now it's around Valentine's Day...

Yeah, so anyway, they should make a movie about the lady who brought me rice krispies treats. They should call it "The Woman Who Saved Valentine's Day." I'd watch it.

I'd watch it because I lived it.

...and I still have half a box of rice krispies treats to prove it.