This is the 13th Embarablast from the Past. In order to really freak out any of my readers who might have triskaidekaphobia, I'm going to tell a story of something that happened to me when I was 13 years old. Well, it didn't happen to me as much as it happened around me...but it's still pretty funny.
So when I was 13 years old, I went to Disney World for the first time (and the last time...BUM BUM BAAAAAAH...unless I, uh, like go again or something). This was a big deal. This was a huge deal. When I was 13 years old, I was in love with Disney (I still like Disney, but I think we should just be friends). I wanted to grow up and be Belle. Like, the real Belle--not a cartoon voice or a character dressed up like Belle. I actually wanted to be the actual Belle. And I wanted to find some magical castle with magical clocks and talking candlesticks who sang showtunes at every meal. I wanted to look THAT spectacular in a yellow/gold ball gown. I mean, I knew that the whole package deal came with an extremely hairy boyfriend, but that was all right. In fact, I kind of still prefer the Beast's looks to the prince's looks. What is WITH that Prince's eyebrows? I mean...did the magical transformation just forget to change his eyebrows back? Makes me wanna attack that guy's face with an Epilady. But I digress...
Yes, I know. I knew it at the time too, but I didn't care. I knew that most 13 year old girls were into boys or clothes or celebrities--which aren't exactly real, but they were more real than Disney Princesses.
Anyway, I was super uber stoked to finally get to go to Disney world. I think I hyperventilated as I walked through the park gates. The people who were with me, two girls from Pennsylvania (it's a long story, and not funny, so I won't tell how I ended up with two girls from PA), probably thought I was nuts, but I didn't care. This was the moment I'd been waiting for all my life...I was at FREAKIN' DISNEY WORLD, BABY!
I dragged the two girls from PA with me to ride on cheesy stuff like "It's a Small World" and "Haunted Mansion." We rode cool stuff, too. I honestly don't remember much about that part because, well, it was way back in 1993. I do remember that I had a pink fanny pack. It was the shizzle.
I also remember what happened when we all got tired of riding rides. We went to eat lunch. That's when I found out, for the first time in my life, that I had a KY accent (you would think that I'd have figured that one out before then since I had lived in KY for 13 years at that point)! These two girls from PA kind of cornered me over my cheeseburger and said, "Do we sound weird to you?" I said, "Noooo?" Then I thought about it for a moment. "Why? Do I sound weird to you?" They both nodded emphatically.
So I got self-conscious for the next several moments and didn't talk much. We went window shopping. I'm not sure if it's still this way now, or not, but in 1993 you could go to these little stores in Cinderella's castle. And a few feet away from these stores was a stage that opened out in front of the castle. And of course it was roped off and stuff, but my yankee friends and I were within hearing range of the performers who were about to go out on stage.
The performers were none other than Cinderella and Prince Charming.
They looked spectacular. Prince Charming looked...well...charming in his princely uniform. Cinderella looked beautiful and shining in her signature blue dress. They were obviously about to go out to perform some kind of song and dance number on that stage. But Cinderella's head wasn't in the game that day.
My friends and I overheard the conversation that Cinderella and Prince Charming were having.
Cinderella: ...so then my cat just hacked this enormous hairball all over the carpet. I am going to take him to the vet tomorrow, but I don't know....
Prince Charming: Um...I think we're on.
Cinderella: Oh! Let's go.
She smiled, daintily took his arm, and let him lead her out onto the stage.
My friends and I all exchanged strange glances. "Did YA'LL just hear THAT?" I asked, no longer caring about the accent.
They nodded. I didn't imagine it. Some things are just too weird to make up.
But I tried to make sense of it all in my head. Cat? Cinderella? Cat...? OH! Lucifer! That's who she meant. Lucifer had obviously hacked a hairball on the carpet to impede her efforts to go to the ball! "Lucifee meeeeean!" OH NO! What if the hairball he had was because he had eaten Jaq and Gus! NOOOO!
But wait. Vet? Did they have vets back in Cinderella's time? Probably not. Could it be...could it be...?
Yes.
Cinderella. Isn't. Real.
"Cinderella" was just some aspiring actress who liked to rant about her cat puking on the carpet. And "Prince Charming" was just some guy who needed a job and who was probably sick to death of hearing about "Cinderella's" cat puking on the carpet.
All I can say is, I'm glad it wasn't Belle who was talking about her cat puking. It would have crushed me. But...pssh! Belle doesn't have a cat. She has a horse named Phillipe. And one day I'm going to have a horse named Phillipe. And he's going to take my father and his new invention to the fair. And they're going to get lost and trespass into an enchanted castle, where a Beast will take my father prisoner. Then I'm going to be brave and take his place. After several months of bursting into song at seemingly random times, the Beast and I will fall in love. Once Gaston is out of the picture, the Beast will become a prince and we will live happily ever after--after I give him a haircut and pluck his eyebrows.
...but Cinderella. She's not real.
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