Happy Belated Birthday, Adventures in Social Awkwardness

I missed it.  I missed it because I got too busy doing stuff like reading popular dystopian YA literature, working with short people, singing notes that are almost so high that only dogs can hear them, running with scissors, and watching PBS shows about whales.  You know...the usual.

Adventures in Social Awkwardness turned a year old on Sunday.  And I missed it. 

Lately, I've actually noticed that I'm not updating this particular blog as much as I have in the past.  I wonder why that is.  Is it because I, Socially Awkward Girl, has had a lack of socially awkward encounters?  Perish the thought!  PERISH IT!  Rather, I think it's because I've been too busy living through socially awkward encounters to actually take the time to write about them.  And when I do have a socially awkward encounter, I tend to forgedduhboudit before I have the chance to blog.

I've also not been writing blogs for my Dragon-Muses lately, but that's mainly because I'm not spending time with them enough to know what they want to blog about.  They've actually called a "Family Meeting" to deal with my lack of writing and communication with them, which kind of makes me scared.  I've been avoiding it--avoiding them--because it's never a good thing when Dragons are upset with you.

So just in case you were wondering if some of my blogs are dying, the answer is no.  I mean, right now I'm typing this while listening to some maintainence guys bang on the wall outside my apartment.  I'm not sure why they're doing this, but oddly enough, it's giving me some inspiration.

So stay tuned.

Just Sayin' Episode #6: It Could Be Worse

I watched a movie today with the girls I watch.  Now, I was a little reluctant to watch said movie, not because I thought it was inappropriate for the girls or anything like that.  It's just that I have seen this movie before, and I felt uncomfortably sorry for the protagonist.  But I watched it again.  And yet again, I was overwhelmed with pity for the main character that bordered on discomfort.

"Dave" in The Sorcerer's Apprentice is perhaps the most socially awkward character I have ever encountered in either film or literature.  Granted, dude had a traumatic experience in a creepy magic store in a dirty alley in New York City, where a scraggly-haired, mad-eyed Nicholas Cage got him alone and wanted to "show him something."  I'm glad the girls didn't pick up on that being creepy, because I really didn't want to have to try to explain that to them.

But this guy grew up to be mentored (or, as scraggly-haired, mad-eyed Nicholas Cage put it, "MASTERED") by scraggly-haired, mad-eyed Nicholas Cage, so even if he WASN'T the most socially awkward character I've ever encountered in either film or literature, I'm pretty sure his chances of being well-adjusted to society were slim to none.

He stuttered.  He said the wrong thing ALL the time.  He hung out with...tesla coils. 

I'm not even sure what those are?  My sister the rocket scientist probably does.  She probably hangs out with them, too.  All I know is that they have to do with SCIENCE...and in the movie they make pretty colored sparkly lightning.  And rainbow ponies.  I might have made that last part up.

So dude was UBER awkward, at least he had a pretty cool Dragon ring.  That kind of thing would appeal to a socially awkward chick like me.  But no, no.  He ended up with the pretty girl who had it all together.  Which would never happen in real life.  I mean, cool Dragon ring or no, I'm pretty sure ANY girl (even the socially awkward chicks like me) would run away from him if he admitted that he was stalking her "in a non-threatening way" or if he cancelled a date because he was getting fondled by enchanted mops. 

So my social awkwardness?  Could be worse.  I could be that dude.  ...in pointy old man shoes.

Just sayin'.

SAA Ep. #38: What Century is This, Anyway?

One of the questions I like to ask little kids a lot is, "Can I be YOU when I grow up?"  They all kind of look at me like, "Um...?" and then say something cute like, "NOOOO!  Your name isn't the same as mine!" or "NOOOO! You're a girl, and I'm a boy!" or "NOOOO! You're already a grown up, and I'm just a little kid." or "SURE!  We can both be ME!"

The thing is, I don't want to be any of these kids when I grow up (and yes, I do realize that I'm 31 years old--it matters not).  I know what I want to be when I grow up.  I know exactly what I want to be when I grow up. 

When I grow up, I want to be a Medieval Princess.

I mean, when I first start thinking about it, it all sounds awesome.  I would get to wear those awesome dresses with the flowy sleeves, and my pale skin and my untamed poofy-curly hair would be the envy of all of those peasants with natural tans and bone straight hair.  I'd get to hang out with knights and/or Dragons all day--even if the Dragons wanted to eat me, that'd still be pretty cool--because I'd still be hangin' with the Dragons.  Incidentally, if I have a choice in the matter, let the record show that if I can't die painlessly in my sleep, I'd like to be burned and/or eaten by a Dragon.  If I have to die painfully, I'd rather my death be really stinkin' awesome.  And what's a more awesome death than being devoured by a fire-breathing Dragon?  Nothing.  That's what.

But I really start thinking about the whole Medieval Princess thing, and then the voice of reason kicks in.  And I realize that if I were a Medieval Princess, I probably wouldn't be literate.  And that's kind of a deal breaker with me.  I've gotta be able to read and write.  I also would very much appreciate having some freedom.  I'm no feminist, but I kind of like having some basic rights, you know.  In Medieval times, I probably wouldn't have any say in a lot of matters in my life because, princess or not, I'd just be a woman.  And women back then were only good for one thing (or so the mutton-eatin', mead drinkin' men thought).  Women were only good for birthin' the babies.  And I don't know nothin' 'bout birthin' no babies.

I have shared my thoughts on childbirth before, but I don't know if I've ever just spilled them out here in this lovely blog.  See, I love kids.  If I ever get married one day, I'd love to adopt.  I'm just not too keen on the whole getting pregnant/giving birth thing.  I mean, it's cool to see pregnant women being all cute and "glowing" and all.  I just don't want to be one of them.  The thought of something GROWING INSIDE ME for nine months doesn't make me feel warm and fuzzy.  It makes me feel like Sigourney Weaver in those movies with the aliens (what WERE those movies called??--note the sarcasm).  I mean, I'd be going about my business, then all the sudden this little creature starts moving around inside me.  I'd expect it to just burst out of me and start dancing and singing "Hello, my baby!  Hello, my honey!  Hello my ragtime gal!" 

I think I'm getting off track.

Yes.  Well, carrying a child inside me doesn't really appeal to me.  Nor does the thought of actually giving birth.  The thought of squeezing out a baby doesn't fill me with happiness and warmth.  And I'd be one of those women who would want to do it all without an epidural, because there is NO WAY I want anyone sticking a needle up my spine.  And I know they would have to do that if I had to have a c-section--and the thought of being AWAKE while having a needle stuck in my spine AND THEN WATCHING THEM CUT ME OPEN doesn't really fill me with happiness and warmth either.  So if someone can devise a transporter beam that could just get the baby out of me without any pain and/or needles in my spine, I might consider this giving birth thing.  Otherwise, I'm not really for it.  And even then, would a transporter beam be safe?  I'm reminded from a scene from ANOTHER movie.  "But the creature is inside out.  ...AND it exploded."

So yeah.  Not really into the whole "only being good for childbirth" thing.

Then there's the whole not having indoor plumbing and central heating stuff.  As annoying as technology is, I do kind of like most of it.  I guess it wouldn't be SO bad if I had servants.  I could deal with being a Medieval Princess if I had people who would do all the tedious work--like laundry, but how often did they actually DO laundry back then?  Once a year?  And how often would I be allowed to bathe?  I kind of like taking showers every day.  I wouldn't be too happy about all those quack doctors telling me that bathing was unhealthy whilst covering me in leeches.  I'd want to say, "HEY DOCTORS!  YOU STINK!  AND GUESS WHAT!  I STINK, TOO!  BECAUSE NONE OF US TAKE BATHS!  TAKE YOUR LEECHES AND GO BALANCE SOMEONE ELSE'S HUMOURS!"  But I wouldn't be allowed to say that, because I would be a woman who was only good for birthin' the babies.

Then there's the plague.  Um.  'Nuff said.

So maybe I was born in the right century.  I thought for a long time that I wasn't.  I thought that I was supposed to be born in a century of Dragons and knights and poofy dresses and equally poofy hair.  But now that I think of it, I kind of like light bulbs.  I kind of like being able to write a blog on a magical glowing box of happiness.  I kind of like having a purpose other than restocking the population of unwashed, uneducated, plague-ridden masses.  Maybe I was born in the right century.

But maybe I was born in the wrong decade.  Because if I can't be a Medieval Princess, I've always thought I'd like to be a hippy.  Again, the long unkempt hair and pale skin wouldn't be too awful if I were a hippy.  I'd get to voice my opinions in protests and be able to read and write and everything.

But hippies don't take baths.  So I guess that wouldn't work out for me so well, after all.

Public Service Announcement: How to Stay Single in Ten Easy Steps

Meet Ruth.

Ruth is single.

How has a gorgeous, talented, and smart (not to mention, humble) young woman like Ruth remained single for all these years?

Hmmm....that's a mystery...

Ah, Ruth has remained single because she has learned the secrets--

The secrets to staying single!

She's going to share these secrets with you...in TEN EASY STEPS!

STEP ONE: Work as much as humanly possible.

Working three or more jobs makes it nearly impossible to have a social or dating life. If you find that you're working all the time and STILL have time for dating, try writing a novel. That will take away every last iota of your free time, making it impossible for you to find time for dating. For added singleness insurance, try working with kids. That way, you get that haggard, unattractive "my kids are driving me crazy" look without actually being a parent.

STEP TWO: Wear a ring that looks suspiciously like a wedding band near (or even on) your left ring finger.

Whether it's a "Purity Ring" or just some weird LOTR obsession, wearing a wedding-band-ish ring will confuse people enough to virtually guarantee your continual singleness. Also, biting your nails and having horrendously dry skin probably helps, too. No one wants to hold THAT unmanicured monstrosity!

STEP THREE: Surround yourself with children so that everyone, including single men/women, will assume you're a mommy/daddy.

(I don't have a cutesy pic for this step because I'm NOT a mommy and don't feel comfortable posting any of the MANY pictures I have of me with someone else's kids.)

If you want to appear as unattractive as possible to all eligible suitors, make sure you always have kids with you. If you aren't a child care provider by trade or don't have any kids to borrow, go rent some kids. There are kid rental places now, right?

And always make sure your facebook profile pic is of you and a kid that looks exactly like you.

STEP FOUR: Don't have mad cooking skills.

A lack of mad cooking skills makes you less desirable. 'Nuff said.

STEP FIVE: Have an imaginary boyfriend/girlfriend.

Whether you're the Captain Jack Sparrow type, the Edward Cullen type, or I don't know...whatever fictional female the boys are into these days... having a fictional significant other makes real potential significant others shy away. I mean, most eligible men and women know that they can't compete with the fictional perfection of a fictional person, so they just give up. And you remain single.

STEP SIX: Be a Grammar Nazi!

Because EVERYONE loves a Grammar Nazi...right? Right? Oh.

STEP SEVEN: Make friends with creatures that usually only exist in fantasy.

People will think you're crazy. Crazy people don't get dates as often as sane people, or so I have heard. I wouldn't know. I've never been sane.

STEP EIGHT: Do weird stuff in public for no apparent reason.

While some people actually appreciate weirdness in other people, it's probably not the best way to make a first impression on any single people who might be watching.

STEP NINE: Actually WANT to get married.

In my experience, nothing scares a single guy more than a woman who wants to get married. So just want to get married, and you'll scare away every single guy within a 100 mile radius.

STEP TEN: Be a socially awkward super hero.

Meh. Works for me.

SAA# 3: Be Careful What You Wish For

I went on another quest today. It's actually a quest I've been on for a few months. I'm questing for a Dragon.

I'm completely serious.

I want a Dragon figure/toy of some sort. I don't know what sort. I'll know it when I see it. That's why I'm questing.

I did not find said Dragon. The quest continues.

Yet, while I was walking back to my car, my quest yet unfulfilled, I started thinking. And this was my thought:

"Why is it that it's so hard to find a Dragon, anyway?"

At that precise moment, I was attacked by a dragonfly. I spazzed a little. I'm sure it was fun for any innocent bystanders who happened to be watching.

Be careful what you wish for.