Public Service Announcement: How to Stay Single in Ten Easy Steps

Meet Ruth.

Ruth is single.

How has a gorgeous, talented, and smart (not to mention, humble) young woman like Ruth remained single for all these years?

Hmmm....that's a mystery...

Ah, Ruth has remained single because she has learned the secrets--

The secrets to staying single!

She's going to share these secrets with you...in TEN EASY STEPS!

STEP ONE: Work as much as humanly possible.

Working three or more jobs makes it nearly impossible to have a social or dating life. If you find that you're working all the time and STILL have time for dating, try writing a novel. That will take away every last iota of your free time, making it impossible for you to find time for dating. For added singleness insurance, try working with kids. That way, you get that haggard, unattractive "my kids are driving me crazy" look without actually being a parent.

STEP TWO: Wear a ring that looks suspiciously like a wedding band near (or even on) your left ring finger.

Whether it's a "Purity Ring" or just some weird LOTR obsession, wearing a wedding-band-ish ring will confuse people enough to virtually guarantee your continual singleness. Also, biting your nails and having horrendously dry skin probably helps, too. No one wants to hold THAT unmanicured monstrosity!

STEP THREE: Surround yourself with children so that everyone, including single men/women, will assume you're a mommy/daddy.

(I don't have a cutesy pic for this step because I'm NOT a mommy and don't feel comfortable posting any of the MANY pictures I have of me with someone else's kids.)

If you want to appear as unattractive as possible to all eligible suitors, make sure you always have kids with you. If you aren't a child care provider by trade or don't have any kids to borrow, go rent some kids. There are kid rental places now, right?

And always make sure your facebook profile pic is of you and a kid that looks exactly like you.

STEP FOUR: Don't have mad cooking skills.

A lack of mad cooking skills makes you less desirable. 'Nuff said.

STEP FIVE: Have an imaginary boyfriend/girlfriend.

Whether you're the Captain Jack Sparrow type, the Edward Cullen type, or I don't know...whatever fictional female the boys are into these days... having a fictional significant other makes real potential significant others shy away. I mean, most eligible men and women know that they can't compete with the fictional perfection of a fictional person, so they just give up. And you remain single.

STEP SIX: Be a Grammar Nazi!

Because EVERYONE loves a Grammar Nazi...right? Right? Oh.

STEP SEVEN: Make friends with creatures that usually only exist in fantasy.

People will think you're crazy. Crazy people don't get dates as often as sane people, or so I have heard. I wouldn't know. I've never been sane.

STEP EIGHT: Do weird stuff in public for no apparent reason.

While some people actually appreciate weirdness in other people, it's probably not the best way to make a first impression on any single people who might be watching.

STEP NINE: Actually WANT to get married.

In my experience, nothing scares a single guy more than a woman who wants to get married. So just want to get married, and you'll scare away every single guy within a 100 mile radius.

STEP TEN: Be a socially awkward super hero.

Meh. Works for me.

SSA Ep. #12: Invisible Leprosy

Aside from my chronic Social Awkwardness, I have another ailment. It's curable, but the older I get the chance of successfully curing it gets slimmer and slimmer. Fortunately, it's a condition that doesn't prevent me from living a normal life (as normal as my life gets) about 85% of the time. Some people don't seem to even notice I have this condition; it's not a big deal to them. Some treat me with derision. Others seem to think they must pity me and condescend to me. Some are completely and utterly afraid of me and my condition, and they avoid me at all costs. You see, I have Invisible Leprosy.

In other words, I'm a single woman in my thirties.

Being single doesn't bother me much. I just think it's hilarious the way other people treat me sometimes.

Some people seem to think that there must be something horribly wrong with me since I never got married. There are four ways this attitude usually goes:

1) There must be something wrong with her because no guy wants her.

I don't have much of a response for that. Maybe *those* people are right...but I have a different opinion. Personally, I haven't met a guy strong enough for someone like me. Not just ANY guy can handle this much socially awkward awesomeness.

2) She's one of those women who focused on her career so she never had time for marriage and family.

Lol...I work in childcare. Do people REALLY think I'm focusing on my career? I'd LOVE for a guy to romance me, sweep me off my feet, and then provide a steady income with health insurance benefits. I'd kind of like to take care of my OWN kids for a change, too.

3) She hates men.

...No. I don't. Moving on.

4) She's a lesbian.

...FACEPALM... No.

There are also people who feel the need to condescend to me and pity me. I have had SEVERAL conversations that went something like this:

Condescending Person: So are you married?
Me: No.
CP: Oh... *averts eyes as if they'd just insulted me*
Me: I'm content being single. It's not a big deal.
CP: Well, there are plenty of single guys out there.
Me: No, really, I'm cool with it.
CP: AND you are still young. You have PLENTY of time.
Me: Um, I know. But being single doesn't bother me. Really. At all.
CP: Well, I'll be praying God brings the right man into your life.
Me: I prayed that for years. Apparently, it's not His will for me right now. I'm okay with that.
CP: DON'T GIVE UP FAITH!
Me: I'm not, I'm just accepting the life He's graciously given me...
CP: You know what, I think I know a guy who would be perfect for you. I can set you up.
Me: Oh, would you look at the time! I must be going now. I've got an appointment with the pillow I'm going to cry into because I'm completely sad and alone and useless without a husband.

Another attitude I get is one where the person seems to get the impression that I'm "called to singlehood." In fact, I get this attitude a lot from people who need things: "You're single! God has called you to live a life free from the trappings of marriage so that you can help out others. So you need to drop everything and help me out with my problem."

I'm not called to singlehood, okay. I'm called to live the life God has given me whether it be married or single. I'm called to live. I'm more than happy to help out when I can and where I can, but I need to make something very clear. Just because I'm single and don't have kids, it does NOT mean I have all the free time in the world. I work three jobs and try to write in the little free time I have. Also, I try to maintain a meager semblance of a life. So no, I'm not required to help out with any task someone else thinks I'm supposed to do just because I'm single. But thanks for thinking of me...

I have to say that the funniest reaction I get to my Invisible Leprosy comes from guys.

When a guy figures out I'm single, he usually does one of three things. 1) If he's okay with me being single, then he just treats me as he would do any lady who is not his wife. 2) If he's married and NOT okay with me being single, then he will make a point to display his wedding band and mention that he is happily married to his beautiful wife and that he loves his 2.3 children, and then he'll get away from me as soon as possible. 3) If he's single and NOT okay with me being single, then he'll stutter a lot and mention that he is considering going into foreign missions and/or becoming a monk...and then he'll also get away from me as soon as possible.

Don't get me wrong. I completely understand the need for boundaries in male/female friendships. In fact, I am rarely comfortable being friends with a married guy if I'm not also friends with his wife. His wife is the most important person in his life (or should be), so I feel that I can't really be friends with him until I'm friends with her. I also think it's a good practice to try not to be alone with a married guy. With single guys, I think it's good to only hang out in groups unless we've agreed to pursue a dating relationship. I mean, even the most innocent friendships can be misread. People like to gossip and spread rumors. It's a good idea to be careful. I'm not going to have a spaz attack if something happens and I have to hitch a ride with a guy I'm not married to or whatever, though. It's just not that big of a deal...

But it really bothers me when a married guy practically runs away from me, just as it bothers me when a single guy assumes that I'm after him just because he is also single.

ATTENTION: Just because I am single, it does not mean I am a homewrecker. Just because I am single, it does not mean I am going to go after any single guy I can find. Just because I am single does not mean I am desperate. Just because I am single does not mean you have to be afraid of me. I'm safe. My condition is not contagious.

...or then again, maybe it is.

So on second thought, don't touch me. I'm a girl. I'm single. I have cooties.