SAA Ep. #15: Public Restrooms

I have a feeling I wouldn't have to write anything besides a title for this blog for people to know exactly what I'm talking about. I mean, if you haven't had a socially awkward moment in a public restroom, then you're probably someone pretty special. I mean, you're probably like the Queen of England or someone. Only I doubt the Queen of England has ever HAD to use a public restroom. Doesn't she have like four servants who carry around a little royal outhouse just in case she ever needs to...oh wait, what am I talking about? The Queen of England NEVER poops! Everybody knows that!

(If you are the Queen of England and you are reading my blog, please forgive me for insinuating that you use the bathroom...er...water closet...like the rest of us mere mortals.)

Anyway, part of me wonders why I've waited until now to write about this, since everyone (except for the Queen of England, of course) understands the awkwardness involved in using a public restroom. Then there's another part of me that doesn't want to write this blog because thinking (and writing) about public restrooms sort of gives me the heebie jeebies.

I hate public restrooms. If I can avoid using them, I usually do. If I have to go, but know I'm close enough to home, I'll hold it until I can get there.

First off, I hate public restrooms because of the smell. Public restrooms typically smell like one of three things (or a combination of the three things, which is even worse than one of them):

1) Poop. Warm poop. Warm poop from many different people. Warm poop that lingers in the air, like a stale breeze to remind you that a gazbillion other people used that toilet right before you (but I'm getting ahead of myself).

2) Cheap air freshener that does not get rid of the poop smell, nor does it mask it. Rather, it combines with the poop smell to make a whole new odor combination! Now, instead of just regular type poop smell, you can have your poop smell in five fantastic new poop sensations! Poop Covered Cherries, Fresh Poop, Strawberries and Poop, Vanilla Bean Poo, and, my favorite, New Poop Scent. And really, the names of these stupid air fresheners make me gag as much as the smell. Tahitian Breeze? Really. Did the air freshener manufacturers go to Tahiti and bottle up the smell, transport it to the USA (or England--that's for you Lizzie!), and make it into a public restroom freshener? You want to hear an even worse name? Here it is. The worst name for a bathroom air freshener ever. Ready? Here it is. Mango Tango. Ugh.

3) Bathroom cleaner so strong it will burn your nose and make you cry. The worst smelling bathroom cleaner in the world has to be the stuff that smells like lime candy. It doesn't smell like actual limes, mind you. I used to think I hated limes because all I'd ever had was lime candy. Real limes are awesome. Lime candy tastes like bathroom cleaner smells. I can't eat green suckers to this day because of that bathroom cleaner smell. At least it masks the smell of the poo--sometimes.

I also hate public restrooms because of the lines. I mean, am I the only one who finds it completely awkward to wait in a line to pee? Usually I get crammed in line between two older ladies who like to complain about their bladder control problems and why they should get to go first. I usually let them go first because I'm sick of hearing them complain about their bladder control problems. And then, after it's finally your turn to use the bathroom, you have to face the person who used the toilet right before you. I mean, if this person looks at all sketchy, it really discourages me from using the same toilet she just used. Don't hate--you know you all think the same thing. Or maybe you don't, because maybe it IS just me who hates the idea of using the same toilet as about a gazbillion strangers (but again, getting ahead of myself). And if that person just made a big poo, you can so totally tell it from the sheepish look on her face. So you have to go in that little stall and breathe the total stranger's fresh poop smell that even the crappy air freshener hasn't reached yet.

It's also really awkward when there is no line, because then you have to try to figure out if there's anyone in the bathroom stalls. So you bend down to see if you can see anyone's feet, and then you see all sorts of things you never wanted to see. This is why, when I use the bathroom in public (and in private, just in case you were interested), I make a point of only pulling my pants down as far as they need to go. I don't need "stall peekers" seeing my underwears. FYI, no one wants to see yours either.

So say you have finally found a stall. A stall. A little semi-private rectangle for you to call your own. Here comes the part I hate the most: actually using a toilet that about a gazbillion strangers have already used. I've learned the hard way that you have to make a thorough check of that toilet seat before sitting down. If there are toilet seat covers, I use them. If not, you'd better believe I give that toilet seat a thorough wipe down before sitting down. I know...I sound like a germaphobe. I probably am a germaphobe. I just don't like sitting on other people's pee drops (or poop smears...ewww). It's not my style. If you like it, knock yourself out.

What we need is Japanese Toilets. Those things are awesome. I was in the Narita International Airport in Tokyo where I experienced the most amazing public restroom experience ever. That toilet cleaned itself after every user. Not only that, but it played music. I loved that toilet. It was the cleanest public toilet I'd ever seen, or will ever see.

I mean, most of my readers probably know that I work with kids. I am exposed to a variety of germs in many different forms on a daily basis. I guess some people would think I was immune to any fear of germs, but listen. Just because I CAN hold back my gag reflex while cleaning up diarrhea and vomit and God knows what else from kids who AREN'T my own--it doesn't mean I like it.

So back to the public restroom. When the seat is at least somewhat clean, I use it. Here comes more awkwardness. I am one of the many Americans plagued with...the Shy Bladder. I hate having to pee when someone is in a stall less than two feet away from me...listening. And it's even worse when you've got gas. Because then EVERYBODY hears it. And then it's EVEN WORSE when someone else has gas, because you just feel awkward listening to someone else toot--it always seems the person in the stall next to me has eaten several bean burritos before coming to the restroom. I really wonder how guys deal with the whole urinal issue. I mean, most of the time there is NO privacy there at all. I don't think I could deal.

And then there are the times when there's no toilet paper, so you have to ask a stranger to pass some under the stall to you. And if there's no one else in the bathroom, then you're just stuck there.

And I hate those toilets that flush by themselves. They always flush before I'm ready, and it scares me half to death. Then, when I stand up and AM ready for it to flush, it does nothing. So much for technology. I gotta push the manual button. Pee pee go down the hoooole.

Then there's the awkwardness of having to wash your hands while carrying your purse, jacket, etc. I mean, you COULD set it on the sink, but there's always water all over it (and the floor is completely out of the question unless you want to catch the plague). So you have to try to balance it on your arms while washing your hands. I always end up gett ing water on my shirt. And the soap always smells like rotten cherries. Or like the stuff you use to pave driveways.

By the way, I'm noticing a new trend. Foam soap. Now, in working with kids, I've found one brand--one. One brand of foam soap to rule them all. I love it. GoJo. GoJo is awesome. Why? Because it lets you lather it with water. Dude, this other foam soap doesn't lather. It's already pre-lathered for you. So my question is, if you can't lather it, how in the world do you know if you're getting your hands clean? Foam soap sucks--except for GoJo.

And then there are those annoying air hand dryers. I HATE those things. First of all, I really like having a paper towel to use to open the bathroom door (because let's face it, there are still some people out there who don't wash their hands after using the restroom. I mean--really? Do people LIKE walking around with pee on their hands. I don't get it.). Second, those things never get my hands dry. I always have to press the button like five times to get my hands good and dry. And the hot air makes my skin cry. If there aren't any paper towels, I will often just wipe my hands dry on my pants. That's really just how I feel about it. Then I have wet pants.

Automatic paper towel dispensers are preferable, but even these things are annoying. It's nice when it gives you that one perfectly portioned paper towel, but how often does this actually happen? I mean, usually, it gives me WAY too little, so I have to tear off a sheet, then wave my hand at it again. And again. And then there's the time when it senses some movement from some other dimension and starts dispensing paper towels you never asked for. And you just feel rude if you don't take it. It's like the machine spit it out just for you. So you take the paper towel, even though your hands are completely dry. And it spits out another one, which you feel obligated to take, and thus begins a vicious cycle.

Yeah, so that about covers it. Public restrooms. At least they aren't port-a-potties. I really am too afraid to write a blog about those. *shudder*

I gotta figure out how to become the Queen of England...

SAA #11: My Shell

In the past few months, I have had more than one person tell me that they didn't realize I had a personality until they became friends with me on Facebook.

I'm not sure how to take a comment like that. It's like the time my choir director told me, "I can honestly say that our Christmas cantata would not have been the same without you." I mean, what does THAT mean, exactly?

Anyway, I know that people who say such things aren't trying to be rude. They're just being honest without really thinking...like when someone tells you, "You look tired." The fact is, I know that my offline presence is sometimes different than my online presence--especially for people who don't know me very well.

For years and years and years I struggled with the idea that there was something wrong with me. I mean, most people will tell you that they think it's preferable to be an extrovert than an introvert. Even if they don't tell you this, it's often evident from people's attitudes that they think it's better to be extroverted than introverted. But I'm an introvert. I'm Socially Awkward Girl, after all. That's not to say I don't love people. I've got a LOT of friends. I just need some time to get to know people before I "come out of my shell."

So whenever I am thrown into a new situation where I don't know people all that well, I come across as someone who has no personality whatsoever. I don't talk much. When I do talk, it's usually just to answer another person's question as succinctly as possible. I used to feel guilty about this, and once I even tried to do something about it. It was then that I realized that it is not a good idea to try to force myself out of my shell.

I need my shell. Actually, that's not entirely true. Other people need my shell. I have had a few friends who have tried to get me to come out of my shell before I was ready to come out of it. They didn't realize the truth that I have learned over the years.

You see, I have a theory that God knew exactly what He was doing when He gave me a shell. I do have a personality. I have a bizarre, unusual, sometimes scary personality. In fact, my personality is so strange that it comes with its own built in security device. You see, if I were to reveal my amazing and awkward weirdness to complete strangers, I would scare most of them away (that's what happened when I tried to force myself out of my shell once). God made my shell so that it chips away very, very gradually, just a little bit at a time. As I become more comfortable with people, little pieces of my odd personality appear. Over time, I come completely out of my shell and everyone realizes that I'm utterly bonkers, but at that point, it's okay. They had time to get used to my weirdness, and therefore they weren't overwhelmed by it.

You see, there's something people should know about me when they try to get me out of my shell. It takes me a while to come out of it, but once I am out THERE IS NO WAY TO GET ME BACK INSIDE. If you wish I'd come out of my shell, you'd better be careful for you wish for.

Back to the whole Facebook thing. I'm a better writer than a speaker. I make no excuse for that. It's how God made me. It's a lot easier for my quirkiness to come out when I'm updating my Facebook status, or when I'm making some random comment on a friend's wall. I think that my written insanity is a lot easier to take than my insanity in person--especially if you don't know me that well.

And if people see two different sides of me, the witty, quirky online me and the quiet, shy offline me, then that's okay, too. It just makes me seem mysterious. And socially awkward people don't get to feel mysterious that often. I mean, sometimes when I'm wearing my black trench coat, I start feeling mysterious. Then I start humming my own theme music and leaping around in time to it. And then I trip over my own feet...and poof! The mystery is gone.

...that's all I have to say about that.