I have a feeling I wouldn't have to write anything besides a title for this blog for people to know exactly what I'm talking about. I mean, if you haven't had a socially awkward moment in a public restroom, then you're probably someone pretty special. I mean, you're probably like the Queen of England or someone. Only I doubt the Queen of England has ever HAD to use a public restroom. Doesn't she have like four servants who carry around a little royal outhouse just in case she ever needs to...oh wait, what am I talking about? The Queen of England NEVER poops! Everybody knows that!
(If you are the Queen of England and you are reading my blog, please forgive me for insinuating that you use the bathroom...er...water closet...like the rest of us mere mortals.)
Anyway, part of me wonders why I've waited until now to write about this, since everyone (except for the Queen of England, of course) understands the awkwardness involved in using a public restroom. Then there's another part of me that doesn't want to write this blog because thinking (and writing) about public restrooms sort of gives me the heebie jeebies.
I hate public restrooms. If I can avoid using them, I usually do. If I have to go, but know I'm close enough to home, I'll hold it until I can get there.
First off, I hate public restrooms because of the smell. Public restrooms typically smell like one of three things (or a combination of the three things, which is even worse than one of them):
1) Poop. Warm poop. Warm poop from many different people. Warm poop that lingers in the air, like a stale breeze to remind you that a gazbillion other people used that toilet right before you (but I'm getting ahead of myself).
2) Cheap air freshener that does not get rid of the poop smell, nor does it mask it. Rather, it combines with the poop smell to make a whole new odor combination! Now, instead of just regular type poop smell, you can have your poop smell in five fantastic new poop sensations! Poop Covered Cherries, Fresh Poop, Strawberries and Poop, Vanilla Bean Poo, and, my favorite, New Poop Scent. And really, the names of these stupid air fresheners make me gag as much as the smell. Tahitian Breeze? Really. Did the air freshener manufacturers go to Tahiti and bottle up the smell, transport it to the USA (or England--that's for you Lizzie!), and make it into a public restroom freshener? You want to hear an even worse name? Here it is. The worst name for a bathroom air freshener ever. Ready? Here it is. Mango Tango. Ugh.
3) Bathroom cleaner so strong it will burn your nose and make you cry. The worst smelling bathroom cleaner in the world has to be the stuff that smells like lime candy. It doesn't smell like actual limes, mind you. I used to think I hated limes because all I'd ever had was lime candy. Real limes are awesome. Lime candy tastes like bathroom cleaner smells. I can't eat green suckers to this day because of that bathroom cleaner smell. At least it masks the smell of the poo--sometimes.
I also hate public restrooms because of the lines. I mean, am I the only one who finds it completely awkward to wait in a line to pee? Usually I get crammed in line between two older ladies who like to complain about their bladder control problems and why they should get to go first. I usually let them go first because I'm sick of hearing them complain about their bladder control problems. And then, after it's finally your turn to use the bathroom, you have to face the person who used the toilet right before you. I mean, if this person looks at all sketchy, it really discourages me from using the same toilet she just used. Don't hate--you know you all think the same thing. Or maybe you don't, because maybe it IS just me who hates the idea of using the same toilet as about a gazbillion strangers (but again, getting ahead of myself). And if that person just made a big poo, you can so totally tell it from the sheepish look on her face. So you have to go in that little stall and breathe the total stranger's fresh poop smell that even the crappy air freshener hasn't reached yet.
It's also really awkward when there is no line, because then you have to try to figure out if there's anyone in the bathroom stalls. So you bend down to see if you can see anyone's feet, and then you see all sorts of things you never wanted to see. This is why, when I use the bathroom in public (and in private, just in case you were interested), I make a point of only pulling my pants down as far as they need to go. I don't need "stall peekers" seeing my underwears. FYI, no one wants to see yours either.
So say you have finally found a stall. A stall. A little semi-private rectangle for you to call your own. Here comes the part I hate the most: actually using a toilet that about a gazbillion strangers have already used. I've learned the hard way that you have to make a thorough check of that toilet seat before sitting down. If there are toilet seat covers, I use them. If not, you'd better believe I give that toilet seat a thorough wipe down before sitting down. I know...I sound like a germaphobe. I probably am a germaphobe. I just don't like sitting on other people's pee drops (or poop smears...ewww). It's not my style. If you like it, knock yourself out.
What we need is Japanese Toilets. Those things are awesome. I was in the Narita International Airport in Tokyo where I experienced the most amazing public restroom experience ever. That toilet cleaned itself after every user. Not only that, but it played music. I loved that toilet. It was the cleanest public toilet I'd ever seen, or will ever see.
I mean, most of my readers probably know that I work with kids. I am exposed to a variety of germs in many different forms on a daily basis. I guess some people would think I was immune to any fear of germs, but listen. Just because I CAN hold back my gag reflex while cleaning up diarrhea and vomit and God knows what else from kids who AREN'T my own--it doesn't mean I like it.
So back to the public restroom. When the seat is at least somewhat clean, I use it. Here comes more awkwardness. I am one of the many Americans plagued with...the Shy Bladder. I hate having to pee when someone is in a stall less than two feet away from me...listening. And it's even worse when you've got gas. Because then EVERYBODY hears it. And then it's EVEN WORSE when someone else has gas, because you just feel awkward listening to someone else toot--it always seems the person in the stall next to me has eaten several bean burritos before coming to the restroom. I really wonder how guys deal with the whole urinal issue. I mean, most of the time there is NO privacy there at all. I don't think I could deal.
And then there are the times when there's no toilet paper, so you have to ask a stranger to pass some under the stall to you. And if there's no one else in the bathroom, then you're just stuck there.
And I hate those toilets that flush by themselves. They always flush before I'm ready, and it scares me half to death. Then, when I stand up and AM ready for it to flush, it does nothing. So much for technology. I gotta push the manual button. Pee pee go down the hoooole.
Then there's the awkwardness of having to wash your hands while carrying your purse, jacket, etc. I mean, you COULD set it on the sink, but there's always water all over it (and the floor is completely out of the question unless you want to catch the plague). So you have to try to balance it on your arms while washing your hands. I always end up gett ing water on my shirt. And the soap always smells like rotten cherries. Or like the stuff you use to pave driveways.
By the way, I'm noticing a new trend. Foam soap. Now, in working with kids, I've found one brand--one. One brand of foam soap to rule them all. I love it. GoJo. GoJo is awesome. Why? Because it lets you lather it with water. Dude, this other foam soap doesn't lather. It's already pre-lathered for you. So my question is, if you can't lather it, how in the world do you know if you're getting your hands clean? Foam soap sucks--except for GoJo.
And then there are those annoying air hand dryers. I HATE those things. First of all, I really like having a paper towel to use to open the bathroom door (because let's face it, there are still some people out there who don't wash their hands after using the restroom. I mean--really? Do people LIKE walking around with pee on their hands. I don't get it.). Second, those things never get my hands dry. I always have to press the button like five times to get my hands good and dry. And the hot air makes my skin cry. If there aren't any paper towels, I will often just wipe my hands dry on my pants. That's really just how I feel about it. Then I have wet pants.
Automatic paper towel dispensers are preferable, but even these things are annoying. It's nice when it gives you that one perfectly portioned paper towel, but how often does this actually happen? I mean, usually, it gives me WAY too little, so I have to tear off a sheet, then wave my hand at it again. And again. And then there's the time when it senses some movement from some other dimension and starts dispensing paper towels you never asked for. And you just feel rude if you don't take it. It's like the machine spit it out just for you. So you take the paper towel, even though your hands are completely dry. And it spits out another one, which you feel obligated to take, and thus begins a vicious cycle.
Yeah, so that about covers it. Public restrooms. At least they aren't port-a-potties. I really am too afraid to write a blog about those. *shudder*
I gotta figure out how to become the Queen of England...
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