SAA #11: My Shell

In the past few months, I have had more than one person tell me that they didn't realize I had a personality until they became friends with me on Facebook.

I'm not sure how to take a comment like that. It's like the time my choir director told me, "I can honestly say that our Christmas cantata would not have been the same without you." I mean, what does THAT mean, exactly?

Anyway, I know that people who say such things aren't trying to be rude. They're just being honest without really thinking...like when someone tells you, "You look tired." The fact is, I know that my offline presence is sometimes different than my online presence--especially for people who don't know me very well.

For years and years and years I struggled with the idea that there was something wrong with me. I mean, most people will tell you that they think it's preferable to be an extrovert than an introvert. Even if they don't tell you this, it's often evident from people's attitudes that they think it's better to be extroverted than introverted. But I'm an introvert. I'm Socially Awkward Girl, after all. That's not to say I don't love people. I've got a LOT of friends. I just need some time to get to know people before I "come out of my shell."

So whenever I am thrown into a new situation where I don't know people all that well, I come across as someone who has no personality whatsoever. I don't talk much. When I do talk, it's usually just to answer another person's question as succinctly as possible. I used to feel guilty about this, and once I even tried to do something about it. It was then that I realized that it is not a good idea to try to force myself out of my shell.

I need my shell. Actually, that's not entirely true. Other people need my shell. I have had a few friends who have tried to get me to come out of my shell before I was ready to come out of it. They didn't realize the truth that I have learned over the years.

You see, I have a theory that God knew exactly what He was doing when He gave me a shell. I do have a personality. I have a bizarre, unusual, sometimes scary personality. In fact, my personality is so strange that it comes with its own built in security device. You see, if I were to reveal my amazing and awkward weirdness to complete strangers, I would scare most of them away (that's what happened when I tried to force myself out of my shell once). God made my shell so that it chips away very, very gradually, just a little bit at a time. As I become more comfortable with people, little pieces of my odd personality appear. Over time, I come completely out of my shell and everyone realizes that I'm utterly bonkers, but at that point, it's okay. They had time to get used to my weirdness, and therefore they weren't overwhelmed by it.

You see, there's something people should know about me when they try to get me out of my shell. It takes me a while to come out of it, but once I am out THERE IS NO WAY TO GET ME BACK INSIDE. If you wish I'd come out of my shell, you'd better be careful for you wish for.

Back to the whole Facebook thing. I'm a better writer than a speaker. I make no excuse for that. It's how God made me. It's a lot easier for my quirkiness to come out when I'm updating my Facebook status, or when I'm making some random comment on a friend's wall. I think that my written insanity is a lot easier to take than my insanity in person--especially if you don't know me that well.

And if people see two different sides of me, the witty, quirky online me and the quiet, shy offline me, then that's okay, too. It just makes me seem mysterious. And socially awkward people don't get to feel mysterious that often. I mean, sometimes when I'm wearing my black trench coat, I start feeling mysterious. Then I start humming my own theme music and leaping around in time to it. And then I trip over my own feet...and poof! The mystery is gone.

...that's all I have to say about that.