SAA Ep. #36: Follow the Follower

I agreed to do VBS with my church this summer.  That doesn't sound like that big of a deal because I've done VBS in summers past.  They keep putting me in crafts, and I keep forgetting to tell them that I'm bad at crafts.  You'd think that after two years of watching me be bad at crafts and having evidence in both photograph and video form of my badness at crafts, they'd know that I'm bad at crafts.  I guess they just can't find anyone better who is willing to wrestle with glue dots while "leading" a table full of wild and crazy kids who are hyped up on popsicles.

This year, not only am I doing crafts, but I'm not doing preschool crafts.  I'm doing crafts with the regular aged VBS kids, which is a lot more different than I originally imagined.  Not only am I doing crafts with the regular aged VBS kids, but our church is doing this whole experimental thing where we use our church's kids as VBS guinea pigs before taking our VBS out into some trailer parks in the community.  I'm not saying it's a bad idea.  In fact, I LOVE this idea.  I'm excited about it.  It's taking ministry to a whole new level.  But...it's just new and different, and you may have picked up that I'm not exactly good with new and/or different things. 

Here's another thing I'm not good at: leading.  I'm a born follower.  I can be in charge of a group of kids or whatever, but it's a whole different matter to be "leading" crafts for a very different VBS.  This whole experience has reminded me that I'm not leadership material at all. 

In fact, just earlier today, someone was asking if I'd ever consider being a children's director at a church. 

I said, "Have you ever seen me in ANY kind of leadership role?"

My friend said, "No."

I replied, "There's a reason for that."

I have no organizational skills.  I have very little focus.  I get overwhelmed with minor little things, but I'm FAR from being detail-oriented.  In fact, I'm not even sure what "detail-oriented" means.  I'm basically the sort of person who likes to be told what to do.  Step by step.  Draw me a diagram.  Then hold my hand while I'm doing it, please!

I mean, I often am the administrative person at work.  I open most Saturdays and "lead" the shift.  But let me just point out that I've been working with this company for over five years...so it's not new and/or different.  Leading a Saturday shift at a drop-in childcare center just basically means that I try to keep all the kids from killing each other.

But all of the sudden, I show up for VBS and I'm handed a name tag that says, "Ruth Campbell: LEADER."  That is a scary, scary looking name tag. 

If I'm wearing such a name tag, average innocent bystanders might assume that I'm actually in charge of something.  They might assume that if they ask me a question, I'll know the answer.  What they don't know is that I'm the sort of person who can't make up her mind on the spot about anything.  Seriously, I was in a restaurant last night and the server asked if I wanted a drink refill.  I told her I had to think about it.  Apparently, I wasn't sure whether I was thirsty or not and couldn't make the commitment to having a full glass of water in front of me...

But you know, it's NOT really that big of a deal.  Yes, I'm a follower in a leadership role.  It happens sometimes.  Let's just be glad that this time, it's a minor leadership role.  No kids are going to be scarred for life if, under my "leadership," they end up having to take home a lame craft.  No kids are going to die if I stumble and stutter while trying to reemphasize the Bible story for the night.  No kids are going to hate my guts forever if I'm not the absolute best craft "leader" in the whole wide world.  Maybe I am just a craft "leader" because no one else was willing to wrestle with the glue dots while trying to control a table full of wild and crazy kids who are hyped up on popsicles.  And maybe just being willing to do something like that is qualification enough to make a follower like me a leader...temporarily.  It's not about me anyway, but about what God is going to do through all of us who are making ourselves available.  I like following Him, and I've heard He's a big fan of leading...

But generally speaking, the idea of me being any kind of leader is scary.  But...I'm not just any kind of leader for VBS...

I'm a leader WITH SCISSORS!  MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! 

Fear me.

SAA: Ep. #34: You Like Me! You Really Like Me!

Maybe it's because I'm socially awkward, or maybe because I'm female, or because I'm vain self-conscious or because I'm paranoid, or just because I'm human, but sometimes it strikes me really odd that people like me. 

The back story on this is that I was tremendously unpopular for, oh, let's just say 20 years.  It may have even been longer than that, but it doesn't really matter.  If you went to public school, then you probably remember reading graffiti on desks or in the used textbooks.  Sometimes, to tease their friends, people would write things like, "Joe loves *insert tremendously unpopular person's name here*." Usually Joe tried to scribble it out, but for some reason that sort of graffiti could never completely erased.  I'm sure somewhere in some condemned basement, there still lies a tattered math book with the words, "Brandon loves Ruth."  Because people used to do that with my name to tease one another.  I was that unpopular...and let me tell you, it's humbling to see your name used like that.

Kids are mean.  They pick on other kids to make themselves look cooler.  But you know what, I can't pass judgment, because I did the same sorts of things in failed attempts to raise my own pathetic social status.  I'm not proud of it, but it's the truth.

The few friends I did have were usually weird and unpopular, too.  I mean, there were a lot of popular people pitied me and were nice to me.  There were even a few popular people that genuinely liked me (and I've always been able to tell the difference--it's a gift...and a curse).  And really, while I know that the popular crowd almost ALWAYS starts the seemingly never ending battle of the popular crowd vs. the unpopular crowd, I have to take blame for my own actions and attitudes.  Because I didn't make myself more likable by being the arrogant snob I was in high school.  The whole "You think you're better than me?  Well guess what?  I'M better than YOU" attitude that I had was really immature and stupid.  It was a mask I wore to protect myself from the pain of being disliked. 

So it wasn't until I was almost in my early-to-mid-twenties before I realized something.  I wasn't unpopular anymore.  I had found an amazing group of friends (that just kept growing, and growing, and growing) at the second college I attended.  While I didn't believe any of my friends were only my friends out of pity, I just couldn't quite believe that people actually liked me for who I was.  I'd gotten used to being the weird socially awkward nerd that nobody liked. 

I was still a weird socially awkward nerd.  It's just that people liked me...not in spite of my weird socially awkward nerdiness, but BECAUSE of it.  Because apparently that's just who I am.  And I like it.  And other people do, too.  In my experience, when you become an adult, it's suddenly COOL to be a nerd. 

I remember distinctly the day it all came together.  I was talking to my best friend at the time.  I like to ramble, so I was rambling.  And I was going on and on about how weird it was that I had friends.  Finally, my friend stopped me and said, "Ruth.  People like you.  Get over it."

I don't know if I've gotten over it, but I've accepted it.  People like me.  I have been blessed with so many friends.  It's more a grace thing than something I deserve.  And I know that for other people, it's also a grace thing.  We're all weird and wacky and unlovable (when you really get down to it), but that's where grace comes in.  And I'm just thankful for the LARGE community of friends that God has given me.  None of us are perfect.  Grace is still needed.  But WOW it's just such a gift to be able to love and be loved.  I've got more friends than I can even begin to count.  No, no. I haven't gotten over it yet. 

But I have accepted it.  I consider that acceptance of being liked a crucial part of my growing up experience.

And so I guess my question to you is...can you relate?  Have you ever found it odd that people like you?  Have you ever had a time when you accepted it?  Are you still struggling with accepting it?  Or do you even feel like people like you at all?  Do you feel like people CAN like you?  Is there anything else you can think of that might relate to this blog that you want to share?  I kind of want to hear other stories here...so if you have ANYTHING to share, please comment!

SSA Ep. #12: Invisible Leprosy

Aside from my chronic Social Awkwardness, I have another ailment. It's curable, but the older I get the chance of successfully curing it gets slimmer and slimmer. Fortunately, it's a condition that doesn't prevent me from living a normal life (as normal as my life gets) about 85% of the time. Some people don't seem to even notice I have this condition; it's not a big deal to them. Some treat me with derision. Others seem to think they must pity me and condescend to me. Some are completely and utterly afraid of me and my condition, and they avoid me at all costs. You see, I have Invisible Leprosy.

In other words, I'm a single woman in my thirties.

Being single doesn't bother me much. I just think it's hilarious the way other people treat me sometimes.

Some people seem to think that there must be something horribly wrong with me since I never got married. There are four ways this attitude usually goes:

1) There must be something wrong with her because no guy wants her.

I don't have much of a response for that. Maybe *those* people are right...but I have a different opinion. Personally, I haven't met a guy strong enough for someone like me. Not just ANY guy can handle this much socially awkward awesomeness.

2) She's one of those women who focused on her career so she never had time for marriage and family.

Lol...I work in childcare. Do people REALLY think I'm focusing on my career? I'd LOVE for a guy to romance me, sweep me off my feet, and then provide a steady income with health insurance benefits. I'd kind of like to take care of my OWN kids for a change, too.

3) She hates men.

...No. I don't. Moving on.

4) She's a lesbian.

...FACEPALM... No.

There are also people who feel the need to condescend to me and pity me. I have had SEVERAL conversations that went something like this:

Condescending Person: So are you married?
Me: No.
CP: Oh... *averts eyes as if they'd just insulted me*
Me: I'm content being single. It's not a big deal.
CP: Well, there are plenty of single guys out there.
Me: No, really, I'm cool with it.
CP: AND you are still young. You have PLENTY of time.
Me: Um, I know. But being single doesn't bother me. Really. At all.
CP: Well, I'll be praying God brings the right man into your life.
Me: I prayed that for years. Apparently, it's not His will for me right now. I'm okay with that.
CP: DON'T GIVE UP FAITH!
Me: I'm not, I'm just accepting the life He's graciously given me...
CP: You know what, I think I know a guy who would be perfect for you. I can set you up.
Me: Oh, would you look at the time! I must be going now. I've got an appointment with the pillow I'm going to cry into because I'm completely sad and alone and useless without a husband.

Another attitude I get is one where the person seems to get the impression that I'm "called to singlehood." In fact, I get this attitude a lot from people who need things: "You're single! God has called you to live a life free from the trappings of marriage so that you can help out others. So you need to drop everything and help me out with my problem."

I'm not called to singlehood, okay. I'm called to live the life God has given me whether it be married or single. I'm called to live. I'm more than happy to help out when I can and where I can, but I need to make something very clear. Just because I'm single and don't have kids, it does NOT mean I have all the free time in the world. I work three jobs and try to write in the little free time I have. Also, I try to maintain a meager semblance of a life. So no, I'm not required to help out with any task someone else thinks I'm supposed to do just because I'm single. But thanks for thinking of me...

I have to say that the funniest reaction I get to my Invisible Leprosy comes from guys.

When a guy figures out I'm single, he usually does one of three things. 1) If he's okay with me being single, then he just treats me as he would do any lady who is not his wife. 2) If he's married and NOT okay with me being single, then he will make a point to display his wedding band and mention that he is happily married to his beautiful wife and that he loves his 2.3 children, and then he'll get away from me as soon as possible. 3) If he's single and NOT okay with me being single, then he'll stutter a lot and mention that he is considering going into foreign missions and/or becoming a monk...and then he'll also get away from me as soon as possible.

Don't get me wrong. I completely understand the need for boundaries in male/female friendships. In fact, I am rarely comfortable being friends with a married guy if I'm not also friends with his wife. His wife is the most important person in his life (or should be), so I feel that I can't really be friends with him until I'm friends with her. I also think it's a good practice to try not to be alone with a married guy. With single guys, I think it's good to only hang out in groups unless we've agreed to pursue a dating relationship. I mean, even the most innocent friendships can be misread. People like to gossip and spread rumors. It's a good idea to be careful. I'm not going to have a spaz attack if something happens and I have to hitch a ride with a guy I'm not married to or whatever, though. It's just not that big of a deal...

But it really bothers me when a married guy practically runs away from me, just as it bothers me when a single guy assumes that I'm after him just because he is also single.

ATTENTION: Just because I am single, it does not mean I am a homewrecker. Just because I am single, it does not mean I am going to go after any single guy I can find. Just because I am single does not mean I am desperate. Just because I am single does not mean you have to be afraid of me. I'm safe. My condition is not contagious.

...or then again, maybe it is.

So on second thought, don't touch me. I'm a girl. I'm single. I have cooties.

SAA #11: My Shell

In the past few months, I have had more than one person tell me that they didn't realize I had a personality until they became friends with me on Facebook.

I'm not sure how to take a comment like that. It's like the time my choir director told me, "I can honestly say that our Christmas cantata would not have been the same without you." I mean, what does THAT mean, exactly?

Anyway, I know that people who say such things aren't trying to be rude. They're just being honest without really thinking...like when someone tells you, "You look tired." The fact is, I know that my offline presence is sometimes different than my online presence--especially for people who don't know me very well.

For years and years and years I struggled with the idea that there was something wrong with me. I mean, most people will tell you that they think it's preferable to be an extrovert than an introvert. Even if they don't tell you this, it's often evident from people's attitudes that they think it's better to be extroverted than introverted. But I'm an introvert. I'm Socially Awkward Girl, after all. That's not to say I don't love people. I've got a LOT of friends. I just need some time to get to know people before I "come out of my shell."

So whenever I am thrown into a new situation where I don't know people all that well, I come across as someone who has no personality whatsoever. I don't talk much. When I do talk, it's usually just to answer another person's question as succinctly as possible. I used to feel guilty about this, and once I even tried to do something about it. It was then that I realized that it is not a good idea to try to force myself out of my shell.

I need my shell. Actually, that's not entirely true. Other people need my shell. I have had a few friends who have tried to get me to come out of my shell before I was ready to come out of it. They didn't realize the truth that I have learned over the years.

You see, I have a theory that God knew exactly what He was doing when He gave me a shell. I do have a personality. I have a bizarre, unusual, sometimes scary personality. In fact, my personality is so strange that it comes with its own built in security device. You see, if I were to reveal my amazing and awkward weirdness to complete strangers, I would scare most of them away (that's what happened when I tried to force myself out of my shell once). God made my shell so that it chips away very, very gradually, just a little bit at a time. As I become more comfortable with people, little pieces of my odd personality appear. Over time, I come completely out of my shell and everyone realizes that I'm utterly bonkers, but at that point, it's okay. They had time to get used to my weirdness, and therefore they weren't overwhelmed by it.

You see, there's something people should know about me when they try to get me out of my shell. It takes me a while to come out of it, but once I am out THERE IS NO WAY TO GET ME BACK INSIDE. If you wish I'd come out of my shell, you'd better be careful for you wish for.

Back to the whole Facebook thing. I'm a better writer than a speaker. I make no excuse for that. It's how God made me. It's a lot easier for my quirkiness to come out when I'm updating my Facebook status, or when I'm making some random comment on a friend's wall. I think that my written insanity is a lot easier to take than my insanity in person--especially if you don't know me that well.

And if people see two different sides of me, the witty, quirky online me and the quiet, shy offline me, then that's okay, too. It just makes me seem mysterious. And socially awkward people don't get to feel mysterious that often. I mean, sometimes when I'm wearing my black trench coat, I start feeling mysterious. Then I start humming my own theme music and leaping around in time to it. And then I trip over my own feet...and poof! The mystery is gone.

...that's all I have to say about that.