Just Sayin' Episode #6: It Could Be Worse

I watched a movie today with the girls I watch.  Now, I was a little reluctant to watch said movie, not because I thought it was inappropriate for the girls or anything like that.  It's just that I have seen this movie before, and I felt uncomfortably sorry for the protagonist.  But I watched it again.  And yet again, I was overwhelmed with pity for the main character that bordered on discomfort.

"Dave" in The Sorcerer's Apprentice is perhaps the most socially awkward character I have ever encountered in either film or literature.  Granted, dude had a traumatic experience in a creepy magic store in a dirty alley in New York City, where a scraggly-haired, mad-eyed Nicholas Cage got him alone and wanted to "show him something."  I'm glad the girls didn't pick up on that being creepy, because I really didn't want to have to try to explain that to them.

But this guy grew up to be mentored (or, as scraggly-haired, mad-eyed Nicholas Cage put it, "MASTERED") by scraggly-haired, mad-eyed Nicholas Cage, so even if he WASN'T the most socially awkward character I've ever encountered in either film or literature, I'm pretty sure his chances of being well-adjusted to society were slim to none.

He stuttered.  He said the wrong thing ALL the time.  He hung out with...tesla coils. 

I'm not even sure what those are?  My sister the rocket scientist probably does.  She probably hangs out with them, too.  All I know is that they have to do with SCIENCE...and in the movie they make pretty colored sparkly lightning.  And rainbow ponies.  I might have made that last part up.

So dude was UBER awkward, at least he had a pretty cool Dragon ring.  That kind of thing would appeal to a socially awkward chick like me.  But no, no.  He ended up with the pretty girl who had it all together.  Which would never happen in real life.  I mean, cool Dragon ring or no, I'm pretty sure ANY girl (even the socially awkward chicks like me) would run away from him if he admitted that he was stalking her "in a non-threatening way" or if he cancelled a date because he was getting fondled by enchanted mops. 

So my social awkwardness?  Could be worse.  I could be that dude.  ...in pointy old man shoes.

Just sayin'.

SAA Ep. #42: The Imaginary Voiceover

The other day, I was running for the first time in 4 weeks. All right, so I was waggling (a bizarre combination of jogging and...waddling) for the first time in 4 weeks. It's not that I've gained back THAT much weight, but after about a month of not exercising, my body kind of forgot how to handle it. So I was huffing along like a fat sixty year old man in a bad sweatsuit from the '80s. And it was difficult to keep the waggling for very long.

That's when it happened. It started with a single note--a long, sweet, soft note from a french horn. Slowly, as my waggling strength waned, the note crescendoed. Then the strings joined in, ever so gently. Then came the voice. It was that movie announcer guy who died a few years ago--the one who did the GEICO commercial (he was awesome). His voice was not loud, but the depth of emotion in it was unmistakable.

And he said:

"Ruth Campbell will never be a great runner. She's not in this for the glory. She isn't in this for the speed. She doesn't care if she isn't the fastest runner in the world or if she never completes a marathon. No. Ruth Campbell runs because she loves to run. She loves the feeling of the wind on her face, mingling with the sweat on her brow. She loves the rhythm of the pavement beneath her feet. She loves the feeling she gets when she accomplishes something she never thought she could do before. She may not be a great runner, but today--TODAY--Ruth Campbell will finish this run, and nothing will stop her."

It wasn't until the voice had finished that I realized I'd just had one of those "Caddyshack Bill Murray" moments--you know--when he would hit the golf balls and pretend he was some great golfer, when he was just really some creepy weirdo with a strange hat. And I also realized something else. It's not the first time I've had one of those moments. I've had many of them. Too many to count.

I am a writer, so I have a pretty good imagination. Maybe that's why I've had so many of those imaginary voiceovers.  Like--when I'm cooking and all the sudden I hear this voice inside my head listing off ingredients, as if I were actually preparing something for a cooking show.  Or when I'm driving and I can't find the place I'm looking for, and I mentally start hearing a trailer for a suspenseful movie where the protagonist gets lost .  Or when I'm playing a computer game and picture myself as some great computer game playing genius in a world class competition.  Or when I'm bored while I'm shopping so I start pretending I'm a secret agent who will stop at nothing to find the "half gallon of milk" or "loaf of bread."

I guess I'm kind of a nerd.

Do you ever play imaginary voiceovers in your head (or out loud)?  Wanna share?

Embarrablast from the Past Ep. #11: Fly Guys

I'm not going to lie.  Superman is hot. 

I mean, the dude can manage to wear an outfit THAT ridiculous and actually make it look good.  Not just good--iconic.  Just looking at a pic of Superman makes me think of truth, justice, and the American way.  Only...according to this article I just read, Superman is no longer dedicated to "the American way."  And now that I'm actually thinking about it, since when did I really ever THINK about Superman being an American?  When did I really think about what "the American way" meant?  I guess I always just figured it sounded really cool when the television announcer said it.

Because that's the way I grew up knowing about Superman.  I saw the really old tv show with George Reeves and I saw the (NO NO I WON'T BELIEVE THEY'RE OLD BECAUSE MOST OF THEM WERE MADE IN MY LIFETIME AND I'M NOT OLD) movies with Christopher Reeve.  And I thought that the two Supermans (Supermen??) were related or something because their last names are so similar.  But I didn't read any of the comic books or anything.  My Superman knowledge came from tv and film...mostly film.

Because, again, not going to lie.  I had a thing for Superman.  That's right.  This socially awkward superhero had an epic crush on the ultimate superhero.  As an impressionable ten year old with an overactive imagination, watching Christopher Reeve version Superman fly with Margot Kidder version Lois Lane was pretty much the most romantic thing ever. 

I blame John Williams.

Then, right near the onset of my Superman crush, I saw this dreadful movie called "The Boy Who Could Fly," which I still happen to love (I even own a copy on a state-of-the-art VHS cassette).  It starred this guy named Jay Underwood, who I had the biggest ten-year-old celeb crush on ever.  I think he's a minister now, which makes him even more amazing--although he's married--and has kids--and is quite a bit older than me--and has absolutely no idea who I am. 

Anyway, the movie is about a boy.  A boy who could fly.  As you can see, they were really creative with the title.

The movie features this one "dream sequence" where the lead girl flies off into the sky with the lead boy and has a little romantic scene.  Aww.  The writers quite obviously stole the idea from Superman/Lois Lane.  ...even the music sounds suspiciously similar to John William's miraculous musical mood manipulation.

I ate that stuff up.

So when I was about ten years old, I decided that when I grew up, I was going to find myself a flying boyfriend/husband.  He would come to my balcony and carry me off into the night sky.  We would go soaring together over the city lights, and in the background there would be an orchestra playing some kind of amazing love theme just for us.

I guess I wasn't thinking about how my hair would get messed up or how even if by some miracle there WAS an orchestra playing for us, we wouldn't be able to hear it over the rushing wind.  I'd get cold.  I'd get dizzy.  He would have to take me back after only a few minutes because I'd probably get airsick and barf all over him.  Romantic?  Eh, not so much.

But just when I reached my teenage years and should have realized a relationship with Superman would never work, that epic 90's "Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman" show came out.  And, once again, I was a goner. 

Superman was my kryptonite. 

I was somewhere around the age of twenty when I FINALLY realized that it wasn't a good idea to hold out for a flying hubby.  I wanted to be Lois Lane, rescued by that superhuman hero.  Only, that's not what I needed.  And I eventually came to realize that I'd already been rescued--that I never needed a flying man in bright tights and a cape.  I just needed a Savior, and I already had Him.  The dreams I had that weren't based in reality faded, and visions were set in their place--visions that had nothing to do with theatrical romance or epic John Williams music.  The only way I would ever "fly" would be by following Him. 

I guess that's cheesy, but that's how my 20 year old mind worked it all out. 

And now that I'm thinking about it, would I really want a superhero/flying hubby who fought for "the American way"?  Do truth and justice even fit in the same sentence as the phrase "the American way"?  Because the American way is pretty messed up.  It has little to do with truth or justice.  Basically, the American way is pretty selfish.  Is that what Superman was all about?  No.  So maybe that's why he's an alien now.  I mean...like an alien to the U.S.   I mean...oh nevermind.

Maybe I've missed a lot by not reading the comic books, because the recent ones sound like they're pretty political.  Perhaps I would have never developed a Superman crush at all if I had read the comic books.  Nothing kills romance faster than politics. 

Hmm...maybe if John Williams wrote a stirring political musical theme....

Nah.

Embarrablast From the Past Ep. #10: The Red Box Machine

Today, I had my second experience using a Red Box machine.  My roommate and I are making Easter a movie day, and I really wanted to watch "Tangled" with her.  So I got it from the Red Box machine (the fact that I'm calling it a "Red Box machine" should probably tell you something about how out of touch I am with dvd rental technology).  It makes me think of my first experience with a Red Box machine....

My friend had a dvd she wanted me to return for her.  She was like, "I don't get off work till 9, and this dvd is due back in the Red Box at 9 or I have to pay an extra dollar.  Can you take it by for me?"

I said, "Sure.  Which Red Box machine do I need to take it to?"

She looked at me kind of weird and said, "Um, it doesn't matter which one you return it to.  You can return them to any Red Box."

I said, "Oh."

And then I took the dvd and stopped off at a grocery store to drop it off.  I located the Red Box machine and went to put the dvd in.  It wouldn't go in.  I pushed and pushed and turned it every different direction I could turn it, and I couldn't get that blasted dvd to go back into the Red Box machine.  I was too embarrassed to ask for help, and even then, everyone seemed busy.  Only they were probably watching me...and laughing...silently. 

Of course, I think everyone is watching me.  STOP IT!

So I went back out to my car and called my friend.  "The dvd wouldn't go back in the machine.  I couldn't get it in the slot!"

She said, "Did you press the "Return dvd" button?"

Awkward silence.  Then me, meekly.  "No."

I hung my head, went back into the store, walked by all the people who had just witnessed my epic battle with the Red Box machine, relocated the Red Box machine, and pressed the "Return dvd" button. 

The dvd went in the slot.

The end.