No Time for an Update Episode #2

I have no time for an update, so I thought I'd post something I wrote in March of 2003.  I was going to post a link to the article, but it doesn't seem to exist anymore on the interwebz (404'D!  File NOT found!).  This was originally published in "The Skyliner," a newspaper put out by my Alma Mater, North Greenville University (though it was still North Greenville College when I graduated--I was actually in the very last graduating class of NGC before the name change).  NGC/U's little motto/slogan is "Where Christ Makes the Difference," which I would say was pretty much true for most of the time I was at the school...

But then all the money-donators at my college tried to ban flip flops because they thought flip flops weren't hygenic or professional or something stupid like that.  This resulted in mass hysteria, including a satirical letter to the editor by a certain socially awkward flip flop wearer. 

Foot Nudity Ravages North Greenville Campus

"I transferred last semester to North Greenville. What attracted me to this institution was the belief that North Greenville was set apart from other schools by high Christ-centered values. The moment I set foot on campus (no pun intended), I found this belief to be sadly untrue.

I was shocked and appalled when I realized that the students of North Greenville College were allowed to wear such revealing footwear as sandals. Not only were all students allowed to show daringly excessive toe cleavage by wearing these sandals, but also no one seemed to mind in the slightest that the entire student body was being allowed and even encouraged to practically flaunt their entire foot by wearing such a shoe as a flip-flop, also known as a THONG shoe. The thought that the school is only now making such a rule as against demonic footwear is quite frankly alarming. The dangers of flip-flops are obvious. How many of my Christian brothers and sisters have confided in me that they suffer from this dreaded addiction, foot pornography? The allowance of flip-flops on NGC's campus has only served to heighten this problem that has caused so many Christians to stumble. If you ask me, it's about time flip-flops were banned.

The problem of foot nudity is not the only reason flip-flops should be forbidden. Flip-flops are a constant distraction in my classes. The revealing nature of the flip-flops diverts my attention from the professor. When I go to my room and try to study, I find it difficult to concentrate because images of nude feet constantly float through my mind. I have even been having trouble sleeping at night because of flip-flops. When I close my eyes, all I see is FEET! Thank you, once again, NGC, for banning flip-flops.

I know that many students at NGC have expressed great anger at the banning of flip-flops, and quite frankly, I find their reaction troubling. After all, sandals are, and have always been, the DEVIL'S shoes. As Christians, we are to always follow Jesus' examples and he would never wear such a sultry shoe as a sandal. Of course, one must wonder what John the Baptist meant in Luke 3:16 when he said"that one was coming whose sandals he was not worthy to untie."

I think those students who have a problem with the new flip-flop rule need to seriously reevaluate their beliefs. It makes sense that NGC should begin implementing this new rule right now. Flip-flops are attracting the "wrong kind" of people to NGC, and repelling those students who actually yearn for a Godly atmosphere and a Christ-centered education, free of feet.

Those who wear flip-flops, yet profess a faith in God, are doing much more harm than good. I, personally, don't want to associate with anyone who wears flip-flops. This new anti-flip-flop movement excites me greatly. Those heathens who wear flip-flops will be eventually forced to leave, which will make more room for Godly students who understand that it's our footwear Jesus cares the most about. It is certain that the condition of our shoes is what is most important to God, even more important than the condition of our hearts. North Greenville is finally beginning to realize this, and I am very glad that the school is taking action against flip-flops, so that the flip-flop wearers will go back to the heathen lands from whence they came.

I would again like to express my full support of the anti-flip-flop movement. I, for one, have seen too much partial foot nudity. It is wonderful to know that I can be a part of this wonderful, flip-flop hating school. Long live North Greenville College: Where FOOTWEAR Makes the Difference!"


A few weeks later, we were allowed to wear flip flops again.  I like to think that I had a little something to do with that.