SAA Ep. #32 Shopping for Awkwardness

There are two places that I normally shop for all my groceries.  Wal-mart and Target.  Both of them Super.  Now, it's true that I will occasionally visit a Lowe's for a half gallon of milk or something, but I generally stick to the Super Target and Super Wal-mart--because they're Super!

Wait.  Let me pause to explain something for anyone who doesn't live where I live, because the last sentence of my first paragraph might not make too much sense.  When I first moved here, someone told me they were going to Lowe's to get some milk.  I was like, "Since when do home improvement stores sell milk?  Are you drinking white paint without your knowledge?"  See, everywhere else I've lived, Lowe's has been a home improvement store.  I think my dad used to have an affair with that store...but that's neither here nor there.

The thing is, where I live now, there are places known as "Lowe's Foods."  There are lots of them.  In fact, there are at least two Lowe's Foods on the way home from two of my jobs.  I literally cannot drive home from work without passing at least two of these grocery stores...and I live within 20 minutes of where I work.  So sometimes it's just more convenient for me to run into a Lowe's to get a half gallon of paint...or milk...or whatever.  We also have a Lowe's home improvement store, which has added to all of the confusion--especially when I try to give people directions. 

I'm not very good at giving people directions.

Well, there are several other places where I can buy groceries in this area.  There are Food Lions and Aldis and Krogers, oh my!  There's also this really uber expensive grocery store that caters to those I like to refer to as "Grocery Snobs."  This grocery store is called Harris Teeter.  I've probably only set foot inside a Harris Teeter like...twice, even though there are THREE Harris Teeters within a five minute drive from where I live.

One of my excursions to Harris Teeter was this week. They've got this triple coupon thing going on all week.  I was thinking...hmm.  I have coupons.  Hmm.  I could have them tripled.  Hmm.  I could save money like those "Coupon Snobs." 

Turns out, I didn't do my research.  They're only offering that coupon tripling thing on coupons with a face value of 99 cents.  The vast majority of my coupons were for $1.00.  That 1 freakin' cent is what got me.  The few coupons I did have for under $1.00 were already expired...because I fail at shopping. 

Add to this disaster was the fact that Harris Teeter is just like the Taj Mahal of grocery stores.  I don't belong in the Taj Mahal of grocery stores.  I belong at Wal-mart.  I seriously wandered aimlessly around the aisles like a lost puppy.  See, I can navigate Wal-mart like a pro.  I'm almost as good at finding my way around Target (I just get confused because they don't have an official craft section, so what's a girl to do when she NEEDS glitter glue?!).  But at Harris Teeter, I kept having to look at those little "aisle guides" like an amateur.  I never could find the peanut butter...not that I needed it, but that store was totally freaking me out, and peanut butter felt safe.

And the "Grocery Snobs" and "Coupon Snobs"??  They knew it.  They could smell my newbie-ness.  They knew I didn't belong there.  They were all getting their 99 cents or less coupons tripled, or else they were so rich they didn't have to care about saving money.  I'll bet they even knew where the peanut butter was...if a store that hoity-toity even has peanut butter...which I'm starting to doubt.

Okay, so apparently they do.  But it's that ostentatious peanut butter...the organic kind...with organic Valencia peanuts.

CURSE YOU HARRIS TEETER! 
YOU MOCK ME WITH YOUR OSTENTATIOUS PEANUT BUTTER! 

I found out they do have pickles, and they weren't THAT expensive.  And I thought, eh, what the heck?  I could go for some pickles.  Then one way or another, I mysteriously found myself in the ice cream aisle (funny how that ALWAYS seems to happen). 

I figured that ice cream at Harris Teeter would cost me a literal arm and leg, which might mean it was the only ice cream in the world that would actually help me LOSE weight.  But to my surprise, the Harris Teeter "brand" non-ostentatious ice cream was only about $2.50.  $2.50 for ice cream is a good deal.  And it was even "light" ice cream, so I bought some.

Then came time to pay for my stuff.  This was confusing to me.  I didn't have a cart; I was carrying a basket.  And I didn't see anywhere to put said basket.  Even the checkout lanes mocked me.  So I just awkwardly stood in line holding my basket, letting the "Grocery Snobs" in line ahead of me think their nasty nasty thoughts about me. 

Fortunately, I was saved by a dashing cashier who informed me that his line was empty.  I must not have noticed because the social awkwardness was making me hyperventilate.  The cashier took my basket from me so I didn't have to worry about it.  I appreciated that.

He also noted that I didn't have a VIC card (one of those cards that grocery stores give out to make you think you're saving money, when all along the stuff you're buying is cheaper at Wal-mart WITHOUT any kind of special card) and offered to just give me the VIC card discount on the stuff anyway.  Then he noticed what I was buying.

Pickles.
And.
Ice Cream.

Dude totally thought I was pregnant.

Some people have mad coupon skills.  I am not one of them.  From now on, I'm sticking with what I know.  Wal-mart and Target.

Super.