"Just Sayin'" Episode #1: Ignorance is Bliss??

What's more awkward than a socially awkward person?

A socially awkward person who doesn't even realize that he or she is socially awkward.

I'm just sayin'.

SAA Ep. 5: Adventures in Pizza Delivery!!!

Between college and seminary, I had a short gig as a pizza delivery girl. As if that's not embarassing enough, I was a pizza delivery girl who wasn't very good at her job.

On one instance I went to the wrong house. No big deal (because honestly, that happened to me a LOT). Except for it just so happened to be New Year's Eve, and I am pretty sure I interrupted a married couple in the middle of their...shall we say..."celebrations." Yeah...

On another instance, I delivered pizzas to a college dorm. Now, I used to go to this particular college, but it was years prior to my pizza delivery experience (I went to two undergrad schools--the college in question was a school I hadn't been to in about six years). This college was a Christian school with fairly strict rules about keeping girls out of boys dorms and vice versa. But I knew from my previous experience that the dorm I was delivering the pizzas to was, in fact, a girls' dorm. So I walked into the dorm and proceeded to deliver the pizza to the correct dorm room. I was not quite at my destination before two things happened. One, a nice security man came chasing me down the hallway. Two, I turned around and saw a guy walking down the hallway in a towel. I was able put two and two together fairly quickly, and I realized that this dorm had, in fact, at some point in the past six years been changed into a guys' dorm. I wasn't supposed to be there. The security guy wasn't angry--but he made fun of me a lot.

On a lighter note, the guy in the towel looked *slightly* more embarassed than I did.

Embarablast from the Past #2: The Man Upstairs

My roommate and I have a neighbor who lives in the apartment directly above us. He is a very nice elderly gentelman who just happens to only have one arm. He lost one of his arms as a teenager in some kind of farming accident. Sometimes my roommate and I jokingly call him "The Man Upstairs."

One day "The Man Upstairs" was outside carrying things from his van to the front door of my building. He was struggling somewhat with all the things he was carrying, mainly because he only had one arm with which to carry it. I was getting out of my car and I thought he might need some help.

There were many things I could have said to express my desire to help this elderly, one-armed gentleman. The thing that I said was probably the worst possible thing I could have said to express my desire to help this elderly, one-armed gentleman.

Loudly, I exclaimed, "Sir, do you need a HAND!?"

As the last word came out of my mouth, the horror of what I had said rushed over me. I'm only completely sure the realization of what I said was apparent from the expression on my face. "The Man Upstairs" smiled at me and politely declined my help. I entered my apartment as quickly as I could and wallowed in my utter embarassment.

SAA Episode Four: Air Travel!

So I traveled this weekend to visit family. I'm no stranger to air travel, but it's been a couple of years since I've flown. I pretty much went into this thing knowing that somewhere along the way I'd find myself in some kind of amazing social awkwardness.

It wasn't as bad as I thought. In fact, I can't remember a single truly embarassing incident from the first day of my travel. I would like to mention that I saw a nun with a much nicer cell phone than mine--something about nuns and cell phones just made me inwardly giggle. I don't know why.

Anyway, on the trip back, there were a few minor incidents. I tried to go through the metal detector before the man said I could. Then when I backed up I bumped into this other airport employee guy. Both of them were really sweet about it, and I've learned over the years how to play off my social awkwardness. Apologize and smile. If you smile the right way, and the other people aren't just total ogres, they'll realize you're just socially awkward and laugh pleasantly at you. And you know, if you make a person smile, even if it's because they're politely making fun of you, it's still kind of nice to have brightened their day. And at 6 in the morning, everyone's a little socially awkward anyway.

Ok. So the really fun part was when I finally boarded the first plane I was on today. It's still prior to 7 a.m. at this point, so everyone is tired and cranky (you know...like total ogres *see above*). I'm in like row 15 near the back of the plane. I get on the plane with my two massive carry on bags. I make it to my seat. I'm against the window and there are these two dudes between me and my seat. They start to stand up while I try to find a place for one of my carry ons. There's no where available. The two dudes grumble at me like two total ogres and sit back down. The flight attendant is like, "Take your bag to the front of the plane." The One problem. There's still like thirty people coming down the narrow aisle trying to get to their seats, and I'm trying to go the other direction. And those aisles are not made for two way traffic. So I bump into people and get a lot of grumpy total ogre faces.

I finally get past all the people, and one of the flight attendants cheerfully announces, "So everyone, we have on board a couple of our country's service men. Stand up if you're in our armed forces so we can recognize you. So these army guys stand up and everyone applauds, and I'm still standing in the aisle like a fool trying to make it to the front of the aircraft. There's no where I can duck down to sit. I just have to stand and pretend no one can see me, because dude, I'm DEFINITELY not a soldier of any kind.

I finally make it to the front of the plane and three flight attendants have to help me find a place to store my bag. Meanwhile ALL the other passengers--I'm guesstimating about 120 (20 rows of 6 seats)--have already taken their seats and are waiting on ME to get my stuff together and take my seat. It wasn't too much longer before the flight attendants found a place for my bag (which, I might add, was not any bigger than most of the other bags--I was just in the last boarding group and didn't get first dibs on storage), and I was able to take my seat (you know, after getting the two total ogre dudes to stand up for me again so I could huddle against my window and cower in my social awkwardness). The flight took off and arrived. All was cool.

My reward for all of this social awkwardness? The total ogre dude sitting next to me fell asleep and was apparently having some kind of really cool dream. He kept moving his legs like he was running--like a dog having a dream. I thought it was awesome. I would have told him so, except that would have been awkward.

Yeah.

Air Travel. It's always an adventure!

Embarablast From the Past #1: I Fell For Him...Literally

So when I was 18 years old, I had this MAJOR crush on this guy. I went to a Christian college where we had assemblies twice a week called "Convocations." One day, this famous professional athelete of some sort came to speak, and so the entire gymnasium was PACKED. There was no room left on the bleachers, so I had to sit on the floor.

I didn't mind so much, because the man of my 18-yr-old dreams was sitting on the floor nearby. Well, the speaker started speaking, so I tried to listen. He spoke for a very long time. I was only somewhat aware of the fact that both of my legs were falling asleep.

When the man finally got done speaking, he wanted us to all stand up and pray with him. So everyone stood up. I stood up. Only my legs were both COMPLETELY numb, so they wouldn't support me. I started flailing LOUDLY while everyone else in the gym was growing quiet and serious for prayer time. I somehow managed to spastically lower myself to the floor, but it was already too late.

In slow motion, I could see every eye of every person in the entire gymnasium--practically the entire school--turning their eyes towards me. The man of my 18-yr-old dreams looked at me like I was the craziest person he had ever seen in his life.

I tried to play it off like I was just full of the Spirit, but I don't think anyone really believed me.

The end.

Embarrassing Confession #1: Toilet Tarantula

When I was a kid, I used to be afraid to use the bathroom because I imagined there was a "Toilet Tarantula" that ate all my pee and poop. I was afraid that if I didn't hurry up, finish my business, and flush, it would climb up the hole and bite my bum.

Sometimes I still think about the Toilet Tarantula, and I don't linger in the bathroom.

SAA# 3: Be Careful What You Wish For

I went on another quest today. It's actually a quest I've been on for a few months. I'm questing for a Dragon.

I'm completely serious.

I want a Dragon figure/toy of some sort. I don't know what sort. I'll know it when I see it. That's why I'm questing.

I did not find said Dragon. The quest continues.

Yet, while I was walking back to my car, my quest yet unfulfilled, I started thinking. And this was my thought:

"Why is it that it's so hard to find a Dragon, anyway?"

At that precise moment, I was attacked by a dragonfly. I spazzed a little. I'm sure it was fun for any innocent bystanders who happened to be watching.

Be careful what you wish for.

Socially Awkward Adventure #2: Questing Burns Calories

The Princess (one of the girls I take care of) is turning six. When I asked The Princess what The Princess wanted for her birthday, The Princess requested a "Webkinz that looks like a horse."

Today, I embarked on a quest for a "Webkinz that looks like a horse."

The mall was my first stop. The mall is a great source of socially awkard adventure opportunities. I remember one happy occurrance a year or two ago when one of the kiosk dudes (who seemed quite adamant that I couldn't live another day without a hair straightener) FOLLOWED ME through the mall. Social Awkwardness ensued! So I knew that going to the mall today was going to be an exciting experience, no matter what.

I went to the mall because I knew of a toy store at the mall that might have a Webkinz--perhaps even a "Webkinz that looks like a horse." I went after church. The mall stores don't open until 12, and it wasn't 12 yet. So I wandered aimlessly through the mall. It was then I discovered that my destination, said toy store, no longer existed. One of those weird athletic logo stores had taken its place. Needless to say, this store did not have any "Webkinz that look like a horse" or any other type of Webkinz.

After doing some more aimless wandering through a few mall stores (I think Mall Security thought I was up to something), I realized that none of the stores had any "Webkinz that look like a horse." It is strange that whenever I'm NOT looking for Webkinz, they seem to be everywhere; when I AM looking for Webkinz, they are elusive. I think Webkinz must be magical and evil and tricksy.

So I abandoned my search in the mall and drove around to about three or four other potential locations. One had Webkinz, but none that looked like horses. Another was closed. Another was supposed to be open, but they were closed just especially for today so they could do inventory. QUESTING THWARTED! DENIED! REJECTED!

Sooooo....I came home without fulfilling my quest, but I feel as though I burned plenty of calories in my endeavors. I'm sure that counts for something. I'll try questing again later. I will try to capture the evasive "Webkinz that looks like a horse," but I fear my ventures will prove useless. The Princess might not get a "Webkinz that looks like a horse."

I'm sure it will scar her for life.

Socially Awkward Adventure #1

Just in case you were wondering if a typical shelf in a typical used bookstore could support the weight of a typical 135 lb. socially awkward woman who happened to lean against it...

...the answer is NO.

Every Day is An Adventure

My name is Ruth. Ruth is not that common of a name among people my age. I am not an old lady. Contrary to popular belief, people named Ruth are not always old ladies. One day, if I live long enough, I will be an old lady, and my name will still be Ruth. Maybe then all people named Ruth will be old ladies, but right now it is not the case.

...however, I do knit.

I'm thirty years old. I haven't always been thirty years old. Once I was a kid. I was an awkward kid. I was the kid who licked the monkey bars. I don't know why, so don't ask. I grew into an awkward preteen who couldn't ride a bike and couldn't do a cartwheel. Heck, I could barely tie my shoes. I grew into an awkward teenager who sat on the bleachers during gym class writing emo poetry before emo poetry was cool. Actually, at that point, I don't even think emo had been invented yet.

Well, the awkward teenager grew into an awkward grown up who still feels like a monkey bar licking kid sometimes. I'm thirty years old. I've had thirty years of awkwardness, thirty years of uncomfortable social situations, thirty years of embarrassment.

After thirty years, something really remarkable has happened: I've gotten used to it. Not only that, but I've learned to value my social awkwardness. I used to see it as an inconvenience; now I see it as a gift. I mean, anyone can go to the post office to get stamps, or anyone can go to McDonalds to get a value meal, or anyone can drive to the airport to pick up a friend. It takes the truly socially inept to make an adventure out of any situation.

I've been through so many embarrassing situations that I'm practically immune to embarrassment now. And with all the social awkwardness in my life, I've decided I needed a place to record my adventures. I hope you enjoy reading about the awkward things that happen to me. Maybe you can relate, or maybe you'll just feel a lot more normal after reading the things that happen to me. I dare say there are fellow adventurers out there!

And it's okay. I know that I'm a weak fool. The thing is, God uses the weak and foolish to shame the strong and wise (1 Cor. 1:27). There's hope for all the social awkward adventurers. So happy reading, and happy adventuring!